p r e t e n d
angels - within temptation
...
.
"We're over."
I love you, you know that?
I know that I've told you that so many times before, and we both know I wasn't even serious half of those times, but I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I mean it. Sometimes I wonder if you're aware of that, and I want to drill it in your head over and over so you'll never forget – I love you. I know you probably think I'm just being melodramatic to win your sympathy, but really, Vaughn, I mean it.
"I want nothing more to do with you."
Look at you, standing there coolly and calmly staring at me with those cold amethyst eyes of yours – who knows what's going on under all those silver tresses? – with a hand on your hip and a smirk on your lips. How can you smile like that when I'm right here in front of you, trembling like a frightened puppy, bawling my eyes out, with my heart torn to shreds? You're ripping my heart apart, Vaughn. I hope you know that. I know you know that; what I don't understand is why you're doing it. I see your lips moving and I hear your voice speaking, but I don't think I want to hear it.
"I never loved you."
For some reason, I feel extra-dense today. I heard what you said, but I don't get it. I don't understand. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I keep replaying your words over and over in my head, but nothing falls in place. Somehow, I understand the individual words, but when I try to string them together… they don't make sense at all. Are you sure it's in English? For all I know, you might have spoken Latin or German or Elvish. I swear, I don't understand. I don't get it.
"It was all just an act. A lie, to put it bluntly."
Do you remember that time when you and I went out for dinner and there was this guy who hit on me? You suddenly snapped and acted like a deranged psychopath out for human flesh. Then you shrugged off your jacket and draped it around my shoulders, and you told me you don't want anyone staring at me like the guy did. That meant a lot to me, Vaughn, it really did. Did it even mean anything to you? Or was it just a part of your "act"?
No one's that good an actor, Vaughn. Not even you.
But then again, I guess I don't really know you.
"I was bored and you were the perfect distraction."
I inhale shakily and shake my head, both to clear it and to deny everything you just said. It feels like someone's running a scalpel all over my heart and my fingertips are tingling and we both know why. What I don't get is why you're lying to me. Why are you telling me these things? You don't mean them and I know it. You're lying. Is this some kind of sick joke? Has April Fool's Day been moved?
If this is a joke, you'd better stop it right now. It's really hurting me, you know. I bet you're wondering why I'm not laughing yet, because I never fail to laugh at any of your wisecracks, even though sometimes they're not funny at all. I'm still waiting for the punch line, Vaughn. You get to that, and then I'll laugh. I swear I'll laugh even though my eyes are horribly red and swollen and my cheeks are stained with tears. I'll laugh.
Please stop smirking at me like that. It makes you look like you don't care. But you do care, don't you? Of course you do. Do you remember that time when I got so sick, and I started blurting out things like, "The three-toed sheep wants a baked banana" and "I have an angry flying hotdog sandwich under the toilet seat"? You were so worried back then. Don't tell me you weren't, because even my feverish brain could register the growing panic in your eyes when I asked you who you were. I still laugh whenever I remember that, and I would laugh now but I'm already crying and I don't want to laugh and cry at the same time.
You've always been a good liar, Vaughn, and I'm speaking from experience. I've seen the way you lie your way out of the chores Mirabelle asks you to do, and by Goddess, if I didn't know you better, I'd actually feel sorry for wasting your time. "My aunt's in the hospital and I really need to see her." I would've felt sorry for you, but Vaughn, I know for a fact that you don't have an aunt. There's something comical about that, but right now I'm just too distressed to care.
You're claiming that you never loved me, but I know you're lying. You loved me once and it doesn't matter if you don't love me anymore – you loved me once and that's enough. I've seen it in the sparkle in your eyes when you look at me, I've seen it in the corners of your mouth when you smile at me, I've felt it in the warmth of your fingertips when you entwine my hand with yours, I've felt it in the strength of your arms when you hold me. Your tongue may lie, Vaughn, but your actions don't.
I know you're lying. I know it.
But then again, maybe I'm just deluding myself. Maybe it was all part of the act.
But I won't deny that no matter how (supposedly) false they are, your words hurt. Badly. That's why I'm crying. Hey, you're supposed to hold me when I'm crying. You're supposed to wipe my tears away and run your fingers through my hair and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Don't just stand there and act like you're enjoying this. Please…
I want to stop crying, but the tears won't stop falling. Now you're looking at me with faint annoyance because I've been crying for a while now and I haven't said a thing. Believe me, I want to say something. I've got a lot of things to say, you know, but my voice won't work. And you've got the nerve to be annoyed – you're the one who made me cry in the first place.
You know what would make me feel better? If you suddenly smile and laugh and yell, "Gotcha!"
But I guess that won't happen, would it? Well, that's okay. I was pretty happy while we lasted, but all good things must come to an end. I guess I worked pretty well as a distraction, seeing as we lasted so long… can't I just be your distraction forever? Think about it. It's a win-win situation: I'll get to be with you, and you'll always have your distraction – you'll never get bored again, Vaughn!
Here I go again, deluding myself. Hell, there are hundreds of women out there begging you to notice them. To you, I was just one of them. I'm replaceable, aren't I?
You probably think you're wasting your time waiting for an answer that wouldn't come. You're right – no answer would come, because there's no need to verbalize it. We both know it: I'm letting you go. That's why I'm not stopping you as you turn on your heels and walk away as casually as only you could do. That's why I don't scream and run after you as your retreating figure slowly disappears from my line of sight.
You mean the world to me, you know, you really do, so I'm letting you go now and do as you wish. It hurts me, but I'll be fine. We'll both pretend none of this ever happened. We'll pretend there never was an 'us'. You'll pretend you never got bored to begin with, and I'll pretend I never lay awake on my bed most nights thinking of how I could be better for you, because none of that ever happened, right? Right.
Then maybe, just maybe, I could pretend I never knew you and I never loved you.
And then maybe I could pretend I'm not hurting.
Because I am.
...
a/n:
Yeah. Short random little thing I wrote on the spur of the moment. Slightly based on the song Angels by Within Temptation... with an emphasis on slightly. :D