Author's Note: I'm BACK! Who missed me? Anyone? Well anyways, this is my first attempt at Harry Potter fanfic. So please be nice. I hope you like it.
P.s. Rated M for a reason Kiddos. Language, content, sexy Hogwarts boys, etc...
DISCLAIMER: I really own nothing. Not the characters. I really don't fully own the storyline. I only own my various revisions and tweeks of the set storyline. In this context however, it is owned by me and my twisted little mind. Enjoy!
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Chapter One:
Le Serpent dans les pantalons*
There was an odd calm that surrounded the young man that morning. An eerie calm that he had never really known to exist. Especially nowhere around himself. Looking around, he took in the cheery faces that were off on their own. Busying themselves with their day to day routines and whatnot. He drew in a deep breath, expanding his chest before releasing it and headed into the train station.
It was rather busy for the first of September. But that thought comforted him rather than annoyed. Busy meant that there were still people around. Still people living and breathing. And that was the best thought by far.
Not to draw attention to himself, the young man of eighteen, stepped back. Standing there only a breath of a moment before he made haste for the wall between the Platforms 9 and 10. And as people passed by that exact spot, the male vanished as if the wall sucked him up.
Platform 9 ¾ was far more busy than that of its Muggle counterparts. People were shouting at one another to hear over the roar of the Hogwarts Express. Some were laughing and joking. What made him smile the most was that he could feel the happiness that radiated off of them. They were safe. No more imminent death hovering over any of them. No. Just the promise of another tomorrow was what fueled these people now. That in itself was better than anything in the world. At least to him.
Dragging his stuffed trunk behind him, he dropped it off at the luggage area. He held onto a black duffel bag that held his robes and other things to do on the train. Exploding snap, Wizard's Chess, and various assortments of goodies that he had shoved into their early that morning.
He then stepped onto the train. Eager beyond belief to see his two best mates. It had been months since they've seen one another. At least in a one on one sense. After their victory at the end of the War, they had each been pulled in various areas. Press, book deals (coughHermionecough) Order of Merlin celebrations, weddings, funerals, etc. The list really went on. But no matter what they still tried to keep in touch.
Continuing down the narrow corridor of the train a smile broke out into his face. He had grown over his seventeenth year. Having to live basically on the run and fight for his life on more than several occasions. But his face still held the oval shape that it had in his early youth. His eyes were still an emerald green and still covered by the thick frames of his impossibly ghastly old glasses. His untidy black hair was still as untidy as ever. It was tousled and left alone as though he had simply rolled out of bed moments before arriving. His taste in clothes had thankfully grown. Having spent a great deal of time with his godson's Grandmother he had let her dote upon him. She had no more daughter nor husband. So if it pleased her than he allowed it. He was just thankful to have something of a family. After so long.
He had chosen to wear loose dark blue jeans. They were no longer the 5 sizes too big ones that his cousin had dropped into his lap while eating another chocolate coated donuts and complaining that they had been shrunken and he refused to touch them. These fitted to his lean and athletic legs. And hugged his waist as if they were almost another skin. His torso was dressed in a fitted gray shirt. Covered with a dark green light jacket. He may not look completely stylish. But at least his clothes fit him and he had finally grown out of his tall, lanky awkward phase.
Stopping at a compartment he could barely contain his excitement. Pushing the door to the side he was immediately enveloped into the arms of someone. Someone that smelled familiarly like violets and old books. Bushy hair brushed against his cheek and his arms found their way around her body.
"HARRY!" The female voice cried. She held him tightly and he allowed it. He had missed her as much as she had missed him. After a few minutes she pulled away and he came face to face with an almost eighteen year old Hermione Granger. Her hair was a bit darker and now slightly more tame in lose curls instead of the usual frizz. She wore a light blue long sweater. It came down to her thighs. Her legs were covered, however, in black tights. She looked rather mature. That was Hermione.
"Hullo Hermione." He said with a small smile. She smiled brightly and sat back down. Harry was then allowed to his other mate, Ronald Weasley. The boy's hair was still it's usual fire red though it was trimmed now. His attire was simple enough. He wore jeans and a dark red shirt that had his initial on it. Apparently Mrs. Weasley had branched off from doing sweaters. "Ron." Harry said, his grin still in place.
"Hey mate." Ron replied. Harry took a seat across from the pair and eyed them cautiously. They appeared to be rather far from one another. Though after the War he had been sure he'd seen them snog. Hadn't he? "What's up with the pair of you?"
Hermione shot a look at Ron and then softened as she looked at Harry. "Nothing Harry. Why do you ask?"
Harry scoffed. "I saw you after the War. Snogging, weren't you?" Hermione blushed and Ron grunted. "So why is it you can't look at one another now."
"Because Ronald, decided that there were somethings that weren't waiting for." Hermione practically spewed. Not looking at Ron but really not caring how blunt she was. Harry looked at Ron and saw his mouth open as if to retort but quickly thought better of it and looked out the window.
Harry took a deep breath before deciding to steer the conversation into a completely different direction. "So Hermione, Head Girl?" He asked as if it needed to be asked. They were finally going to complete their final year, having not done so last year. What with being on the run and all. Hermione had convinced him to even though he didn't want to. He didn't see a reason to. Until Hermione assured him that he wouldn't like being an Auror only because of who he was. It wasn't enough. He wanted to know everything he could to become a great Auror and he would help to stop anyone from getting as powerful as Voldemort. Ever again.
Hermione brightened at the change and pulled out her badge. A large smile graced her lips. Showing off her perfect teeth. "Of course Harry!" She paused and cast a look at Ron before looking back at Harry. "And you Head Boy?" She asked in a somewhat hopeful tone.
Harry grinned and pulled out his matching badge. How had she known? It wasn't like he was smart. Though his grades in Potions had exceedingly helped him out. Not to mention everything he had learned over the course of his seventeenth year. All of which he had explained in great detail to Professor McGonagall. Thus earning him the coveted title.
"Brilliant Harry." Ron said in amused tone. Harry let out a silent sigh of relief. He really thought Ron would get raging mad. But when he didn't it made Harry ease even more.
"Thanks Mate." Harry replied. He laid back in his seat with a smile.
"So Harry," Hermione began fidgiting a bit in her seat. "Have you spoken to Ginny?"
Ron looked at Hermione and then met Harry's eyes. Harry nodded and licked him lips before replying. "Yeah we had a long talk a few weeks ago. We decided to just be friends." Hermione nodded in understanding and Ron simply shrugged as if he didn't care one way or the other. "After the War, we both just realized with the danger approaching we were really just seeking comfort in one another..." He trailed off. A big part of him had wanted it to work with her. But in the end, she was his family. And that just wasn't the type of relationship he wanted.
"So who you going after then?" Ron asked.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ronald! Not every male is like you." She spat venomously.
Harry looked at them both again before clearing his throat and speaking again. "Actually I was thinking of giving Cho Chang another go.:" Both his friends just looked at him in shock. He sighed. "Well we spoke a bit over the break. She was coming back to Hogwarts on a teaching assistant internship." Hermione sighed and Ron grinned.
"Blimey Harry! Haven't you been after her since 4th year? I thought you gave up after your date." Ron asked him.
Harry shrugged. "We both admitted that that wasn't the right time for us. With Cedric and Umbridge...I just really want to try again. I mean I really like her."
Hermione frowned. "You know absolutely nothing about her."
Harry looked out the window. "All the more reason for me to get to know her."
Hermione grumbled. But Ron shot his a look of encouragement.
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The first week was coming to an end and Harry had finally gotten comfortable at Hogwarts again. He and Hermione had their own dorm. They had their own portrait, (Albus Dumbledore) and their own Common Room. It was decorated much like the Gryffindor one. Only this one had more shelves and only two desks. More shelves meant more books for Hermione. Harry didn't mind, he was just happy to sharing the room with his friend and not someone begging him for an autograph.
He'd gotten so many requests that week. For autographs, pictures, kisses, proposals of marriage and even some very unsavory ones. One girl made the mistake of asking Harry to take her virginity. In front of Hermione no less. Needless to say the girl had to be taken to the Infirmary. Ron simply asked if Harry would've agreed. Thus earning him a slap from Hermione. Harry just kept his mouth shut.
Quidditch was in full swing. Thankfully, Harry could continue it this year. He had forgotten how much fun it had been. And even more how much he loved every minute of it. He was Quidditch Captain still. And their first tryouts were for that Saturday. Their team had a few openings. With the exception of Keeper-Ron , Chaser- Ginny, Seeker-Harry, Beater-Richie Coote, and Beater- Jimmy Peakes; Harry still needed two more Chasers and a few alternates. In case anything happened. Harry was hoping that nothing would. But with a game like Quidditch you just can never really be sure.
The morning of Saturday, Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with Hermione and Ron. He and Ron were talking strategies while Hermione, every so often, would point out various small details that Harry should either include or deduct. She may not like Quidditch, but Hermione was a genius. And Harry liked to have her input. He wished she didn't have a fear of flying because he was very sure Hermione would make a great Chaser. Hell even a Beater!
Ron was saying something about the game when Harry looked causally over and saw Cho Chang sitting with the Ravenclaws. Even though she was a teaching assistant she still liked to sit with her peers. Talking to people she used to hang around. She was smiling and laughing. Harry felt his face heat up as he watched her. "So Harry!" Ron interrupted him thoughts and Harry looked back over at him. "How are you going to win Cho this time?" He asked with a grin.
Harry frowned and sighed. He knew he could never really compare to Cedric. SO what could he do to make her see him as more than a friend? He honestly had no idea what to do anymore. He knew that he really really liked her. There had to be something. He was Harry freaking Potter for crying out loud. "I don't know mate. But it'd better be good."
Tryouts were going well. Considering the Quidditch stands were filled with students. He understood that every one was eager to move on and get back to the happy things about Hogwarts, but honestly, did it have to be while he was conducting tryouts? Some of the people trying out weren't even Gryffindors. Harry struggled to control his anger.
On the bright side, Cho Chang was present. She was in the stands with some of her younger friends smiling at him. He scanned and saw Hermione near the bottom shooting him a look of encouragement. He silently thanked her for being there before turning his attention back to the new people.
Three down. Four to go.
Two to go.
Last one.
The last person to try out for the Chaser position was a young girl named Maria Rolencroft. She was slim and had long blonde hair. She was two years younger than Harry and looked rather pitiful. But Harry learned never to judge a book by the cover. He was going to at least give her a chance.
She took to the sky with her Nimbus 2001. She flew gracefully enough. She had speed and agility which counted for a lot. Needless to say she was better than a lot of the others. However, the girl couldn't catch. Every time Ginny threw a ball her way, the girl would fumble with it and drop it.
Harry frowned. Why couldn't things just work out for him? He saw Hermione look at him again. He gave her a small shrug and she sent him a smile. She moved her head indicating Maria. He rose a brow and she chuckled. Nodding again in the girl's direction Harry got the idea.
He didn't have a uniform. One hadn't come in for him yet. His last one was lost and he had grown out of it anyway. McGonagall said he would have a new one by the time Gryffindor had their first game. So he went into the old locker room. He sifted through old uniforms before he grabbed onto Oliver Wood's. Oliver was bigger than Harry was. And far wider. But Harry shrugged it on anyway. It was baggy and barely held onto his hips. He almost felt like he was wearing Dudley's old clothes again.
Walking back out onto the field, he grabbed his Firebolt, new and improved and darted into the sky. He came up beside Maria. "Stay focused Maria. I'm going to toss you a ball and you will catch it. Keep your eyes on me and pay attention to where I am throwing it." The girl gave a small nod and Harry took off. He flew and came roundabout until he was a bit a ways from Maria. He made eye contact and tossed the ball at her. Just as it reached her, the girl let out a timid hand and caught it. Cheers came from the crowd.
Smiling at her Harry spoke. "Good work. See all you needed was a bit of practice." The girl blushed and headed back down.
Believing the tryouts were done, a few other people came out onto the field with their brooms. Having some free time a few groups came out and tossed balls at one another. Harry hovered in the air longer. The weather was calm and peaceful almost. He soared around on his Firebolt.
Most of the students stayed outside. They enjoyed the air as Harry did. Only the Professors broke from their fun to return to the Castle. Harry saw Hermione and Ron on the ground waiting for him. Harry smiled and made his way down to them. Out of nowhere, Harry was knocked off his broom. Having been caught off guard, Harry slide off the broom but still held it in his hand.
Harry landed on the ground only a few feet beneath him. He landed on his side and let out a chocked groan. Everyone was clambering wondering if he was alright. The boy that knocked Harry off came down beside Harry and apologized. "Sorry Man, wasn't looking." He said with a shrug.
Harry waved him off. Seeing that Harry was alright, everyone just watched him as he got up. What no one had anticipated was the fact that Harry's pants had fallen off. Taking with them the required jock strap type coverings that he also put on. Of course he knew he wouldn't need them, but it had been ritual and so he did it automatically.
So when Harry Potter stood up everyone saw his package. Most girls fainted. A few guys' mouths dropped. All in all, everyone was rather surprised to see the large serpent that Harry Potter had kept hidden to himself all these years. Harry immediately dropped to the ground pulling his pants back up. But it was too late. Everyone in the field had seen his penis. Harry was mortified and took off from the field back to the castle.
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His feet had quickly carried him back to the Head Dorm. He made it in good time considering everyone was till at the field with their mouths hanging open. He was sitting on the couch in his own clothes when he heard a tentative knock at the portrait. "Harry. It's me." Came Hermione's voice.
He didn't say anything and soon he heard the door open and in came Hermione and Ron.
"HARRY! Why didn't you tell me you had such a large..." Ron started but what interrupted by Hermione.
"Ron!" She hit his arm. "Don't be such a prat. Can't you see how utterly horrified Harry is. He was just humiliated! Have a brain Ronald!" She sat beside Harry and rubbed his shoulder. "Oh Harry! Are you alright?"
He looked at the fireplace still and sighed. "Obviously not."
Hermione continued to rub his shoulder. "Harry...I don't know what to say to comfort you. What if I cast a Memory charm on everyone to make them forget?" She suggested.
Harry's face jolted her way and he looked into her brown eyes. Had Hermione just said she would break rules for him? Then he saw her lips curve into a small smile. "Knew that would get you to look at me." Harry soon broke out into a small grin.
"Thanks Mione." He wrapped his arm around her giving her and awkward hug before releasing her. He looked back over at Ron who had taken up an empty seat across from them. "What am I going to do now?"
Ron grinned. "Isn't it obvious? This is how you get Cho." He said happily. Hermione groaned and Ron continued. "Mate you have a huge, erm, gift. I'm pretty sure that is going to attract a lot of girls and one of them is going to be Cho. Man Harry, she is going to be all over you."
Harry sighed. "I don't think that's how it works Ron."
"Of course it is! Girls love men with large packages..." Ron said.
Hermione scoffed. "Oh please. Some of us actually fall in love with the person. No matter how large," She looked at Harry with a blush. "Or small," she looked pointedly at Ron and he frowned looking down, "They are." She crossed her arms over her chest.
"Thanks Hermione." Harry said. It was nice that she thought that way. But he had to agree with Ron. Most girls were rather shallow. Weren't they? He hoped something good would come out of this whole incident. Especially if that something was Cho Chang.
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Fin.
I only mean this chapter, so calm down. Okay so this is the start. Yes I know the whole concept was stolen from that show on MTV. Hard times of RJ Berger. What can I say? I was watching this show one day and this story came to me. However it won't be the exact same. You'll just have to read more and find out. Gosh it feels good to be back. Please leave comments and anything else. Except flames. I honestly can't stand that. If you don't like, don't read. Simple enough isn't it. Though I am up to 3 thousand words already And this is only the first chapter...Hmmmm...
So chapter title is in French. Loosely translated it means: The Serpent in the Pants. Aren't I hilarious?
Xoxo ArsenicQueen.