This fic is close to my heart. To many truths are spilled. I hope that I do a good job at writing it. I'm taking liberties with my story. Just an FIY.

I don't own. J K Rowling does. ----Disclaimer. Ooooh what now?

(AN: The italics are random flashbacks and the flashbacks have no order to them.)

Preface:

Sighing was what he found himself doing a lot lately, this man sitting at her bar. He just arrived on the stoop a year ago yesterday out of thin air. And every Thursday since then he sat at the same table and ordered the same thing. Three shots of Firewhiskey and a small glass of Butterbeer, which normally was left untouched. Every time he left her wondering after his past, about the girl he spoke of rarely on the off time that he got drunk enough. About his Alicia.

Tonight she was going to ask her customer of his past. A breach of policy she was sure, but she needed to know of his hurt. After months of his presence she just needed to know.

So calmly she made her way over to his table, his drinks in hand. But instead of just setting them on the table as normal, she sat down across from the haunted man.

"Whatever it is that you have to say, Sarah I do not want to hear it." He said without lifting his eyes from the small book in his hands.

"I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk to someone. And if you do, I am here." She said before standing up and going back to her work.

That night as she made her way around the room her gaze would constantly search out his face, making sure he was as alright as someone so lonely, so hurt could be, but she didn't return to his table. So it wasn't until closing when she was putting up the chairs that she noticed the small leather bound book in the center of the table. Curiosity won out in the end and she sat heavily in the chair, pulling the small book her way, opening it to its marked page.

~Journal entry #354~

This hasn't happened in a long time. Me writing that is. I think the reason
is because I haven't had a good enough reason to cry and let any emotion
flow since HE left me, broken and confused as I was. Now however, I am
confronted with his memory daily, in the halls, the classes. Happy memories
flood my brain, only to be conquered moments later by sadder ones. So far, I
haven't let a single tear fall, an ounce of weakness show, but I know not
how long I can last. What would you have me do though? I know I should
be stronger then this, they taught me to be stronger then this, but how can
I be strong, how do they expect me to move past this?
I just don't know.

-Alicia Alwen, Slytherin, year six.

"Alicia was my life." A soft voice said from behind her right shoulder, causing her to jump. She then turned and connected her hazel eyes with his silver ones.

"Will you tell me of her?" She asked, the pleading in her voice surprising even her.

"To do that, I have to read you the thoughts in this book. I have to dwell in the past a bit longer. And I am not sure if I can." He said it so softly she wasn't sure she had heard him correctly. "But I guess it is time to talk. So I will try." And then he too sat down and grabbed the Journal, opening it to a colored string she hadn't noticed before and he began to chant. Slowly she realized that he was taking her waking mind with him into the memories, to the past. But she wasn't afraid. She wanted to know after all.

Prologue:

End of Year Five.

Or

The Beginning of the End.

~Funny~

It is funny to think about. The only time that I find peace, where my mind doesn't constantly remind me of last term, is when I am doing what I'm doing right now. Studying for Transfiguration. The reason it is so funny to me is because I hate that entire subject. I hate how good I am at it, how much it made me just what he wanted me to be.

Perfect. Now I'm thinking about him again. And with his memory comes the attachment of my ex best friend. Sadly though this story of mine isn't like any of those Muggle stories of heartbreak. Nor is like any of the wizarding stories you see at the Centre De Fiction. Mine is truly one left in its lonesome. Well for as far as I can tell. You want to know why? Because my best friend was a boy.

Jacob Ortauré to be precise. The famed Ravenclaw Keeper. Yeah him. And if you know who he is, then you must know who I am. Alicia Alwen. Slytherin fifth year and Seeker. I can't believe I threw a game for that idiot.

"I can't believe it." I muttered to myself as I put the last flourish on my essay.

"What?" Came a voice from the direction of the pile of books I had stacked around me in towers. Now as I know for a fact that the books I pulled from the shelves don't have a strong masculine voice that sets my hair on end, I was instantly put on guard. Slowly I stood up to peer over the wall. There on the other side of the mountain, was a mess of platinum hair spilling over into the face of the boy who sat there scribbling away on an essay much like mine. No need to guess who that was.

"Why are you at my table, Ortauré?" I asked the boy, trying to sound as pissed as I was, my eyes narrowing while my left hand gripped my wand tightly.

The blonde in front of me looked up with a bored expression. Just as the last time we had seen each other. His normal muddy brown eyes, hollow and bruised as if he hadn't slept in weeks his normally perfectly spiked locks sticking out in many directions. But sadly I just didn't care anymore about this boys well being. All I wanted was to know why the broken boy was following me. Again.

~Raven with the Snake who loves the Lion~

"Ali, Mournstar, love, how are you doing this morning?" Jacob Ortauré asked as he sat down next to me at the Slytherin table, gaining the glares of the houses finest. But the Ravenclaw was oblivious to it all, for he only had sights for the lovely snake I am, his best friend, Alicia Alwen. But I didn't even appear to notice his presence as I scribbled away at my favorite past time. I had told him once that I planned on being a writer of sorts when I became of age. He had laughed at the thought. So I planned on showing him that I meant it. So instead of looking up, I continued to voice my thoughts on the paper instead of out loud to him.

Jacob is sitting at my table again. I wonder how Sirius is going to take him being with me every where now. He's been such a great boyfriend that I don't think he'll mind my best friend hanging around all the time. But still its starting to even grate on my nerves. I don't get him anymore. Its like he is always on the verge of telling me something, something important, and then he goes of on some tangent of how we don't spend enough time together. Weird...

"Ortauré. Ali love, may I have a word?" The voice of Sirius Black brought me instantly back to Earth, and my head snapped up. "No Ortauré. She doesn't need an escort to talk to her boyfriend." Sirius added as Jacob made to stand up. Slowly I stood and followed my loving boyfriend, shooting Jacob an apologetic look. When I reached Sirius I grabbed his hand firmly and smiled boldly at him. With one glance back at Jacob, I noticed a small frown etched on his face. But then I was out in the hall and Sirius was tugging gently on my hand, a large mischievous smile plastered on his face, his eyes alight with something akin to old Dumbledore's twinkle.

"Sirius, where are we going?"

~*~

"I wasn't aware that this table belonged to you. I'm sorry. But every other one is full so you will just have to deal with it." The Ravenclaw sneered at me with perfection. He sure had hung around with the Slytherins to much if he had that down pact.

I looked around sharply to see that indeed every table was full. I guessed it was because of the OWL's and NEWT's, that were happening that week. Which of course was the reason I had been in here for the past four hours. Hissing sharply I turned back to the table, wand in hand. With a wave of it all the books that I wasn't using anymore soared back to their rightful shelves, with another my bag packed itself. Throwing it over my shoulder, I scooped up the rest of the books and stalked to the front desk to check them out.

An hour later found me down by the lake, staring out over the placid body of water as the sun descended.

~Revenge is sweetness~

Sighing, I pulled my un-tamable curls up into a messy lopsided bun. I had been studying for hours. The end of terms exams were next week. And I needed to get it all in my brain as fast as I could. This was all Sirius' fault. If he hadn't been distracting me, I would know most of this already.

"What cha doing, love?"

Speak of the devil. Sirius Black sat down across from me with the ease of someone who had just fallen from a cloud.

"Studying for McGonagall's test tomorrow. You know the one that you took today? And could help me on...." I trailed off suggestively, eyeing him hopefully, but knowing that he would just smile as he was now and say,

"Sorry love. You know I love breaking the rules, but I can't help you with this one."

I smiled gently as I leaned over to kiss my wonderful boyfriend. "Merlin, your perfect. You know that right?" I whispered an inch from his lips. Then I smirked as an evil idea formed in my head. Leaning forward just a bit more I waited for his eyes to close before retreating and patted the top of his head as if he were a puppy I was praising. "To bad now I have to punish you for being a meanie and not helping me." I smiled as I stuck out my tongue.

~*~

Once I reached my dormitory I regretted going there. All the eyes in the room turned my way in sneering evil. They all knew what had happened and they just wouldn't let me forget it.

"Hey Alwen. Did you see Black today? Wasn't he just gorgeous?" Celina Malfoy asked, cruelly rubbing the salt into my wounds.

Celina use to be a friend of mine. Back before him. We grew up together. I even use to have a crush on her older brother, Lucius before he turned to the Dark Lord and married Sirius' cousin, Narcissa. But now all I got from her was sneers and cruelty.

But I guess that was my fault too. She stopped talking to me when I first started dating Sirius. I didn't even know she liked him. She could have told me.

But that's in the past now.

I ignored the taunts thrown my way as I staggered to my bed. I laid down after closing my curtains and pulled out my wand. I put up an impressive amount of protection and silencing spells, before reaching under my bed for my music box.

~Our Song~

"I have something for you." Sirius said smiling. "For our anniversary." He added pulling out a neatly wrapped box. I tore into it slowly, relishing the feeling of happiness and contentment I was being washed in. Slowly the paper receded to reveal a beautifully painted chest. The detail was perfect, just like us. A crystalline blue dragon wrapped itself around a beautiful black rose. It moved just as every other wizard made product is want to do, and the Dragon roared as my hand neared the clasp.

"It's...perfect." I said slowly, my appreciation in my voice.

"You haven't gotten to the best part, Alicia. Open the box. Just tap it and say 'Forever together. This life and next.'" Sirius said doing just that. Slowly the clasp unhitched itself and the lid popped open. As soon as the lid was up the music started to play and I recognized it imediately. It was my favorite melody, and our song. Bokura No Love Style.

"Right in front of your eyes, I chatter with other girls
Oh no, no, no
I want you to show jealousy on purpose
Oh yes, yes, yes

My darling please, love is
My darling please, something that
Burns more intensely with a little injury

This is our LOVE STYLE,
A LOVE STYLE that is the shape of our love
I need you, I want you, forever
This is our LOVE STYLE,A LOVE STYLE that goes on wherever
You are mine, I'm yours, forever, only you, love you

Perhaps I've gone too far, did I really make you mad this time?
Oh no, no, no
I'll hug it better, so let's make up
Oh yes, yes, yes
My darling please, this bond
My darling please, is something
Strong and deep enough to overcome your fears

This is our LOVE STYLE,
A LOVE STYLE that perseveres on
I need you, I want you, forever
This is our LOVE STYLE,
A LOVE STYLE that goes on whenever
You are mine, I'm yours, forever, only you, love you"**

~*~

The next days exams passed quickly. The only one that seemed to want to last more then an hour was Potions. That is until I read the first question.

1) What do you get if you mix eye of newt with Elmeric?

Easy. You get a melted cauldron. You shouldn't mix Elmeric with anything that was once a cold blooded creature, you moron.

Now all I could do was hope that I did well enough to get into the Newt level classes I needed and that the train ride home tomorrow was uneventful and free of certain people. Of course luck wasn't entirely on my side. I boarded the train before any of my classmates, hoping to take a compartment for myself. I found one quickly and put my things over my seat, pulling out my books at the same time. I sat down and began to read. I was pleasantly surprised when the train started moving and no one had joined me. But barely two minutes after I noted this the door swung open and in filed three of the most annoyingly uptight girls I had ever met. Lily Evans, Gryffindor year six. Rai Ling, Ravenclaw year five. And Mia Longbottom, Hufflepuff year six. I don't even think they saw me.

I guess it would be because of the disillusion spell I had cast over me so that Jacob couldn't find me out. But that would only be my back up guess. None of these girls knew I existed.

"Okay Lily, now that we are alone, want to tell us why you slapped Sirius yesterday? Not that you don't have any reason to." Rai asked her copper haired friend, and I started to look at her in shock. Couldn't I get away from him, ever?

"Well you see, I just found out from James of all people that Black had been dating someone for the first term of this year. Up until a week before Christmas break, that is." Lily said softly, looking almost in my direction. I shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to give myself away.

"Really? Who?" Mia and Rai said at the same time.

"Alicia Alwen." Lily said, this time looking directly at me, her eyes boring into my heart, and slowly the tears swelled in my eyes before falling into their river beds.

"Who's that?" Mia asked dumbly, causing both of the girls across from me to look at her.

Rai was the first to comment on the other girls absolute idiocy. "She is the Slytherin Seeker and one of the smartest witches in the whole school apart from Lily and myself. How daft are you to not know that Mia?"

"Rai don't be such a prat. After all we do have a guest." Lily smiled softly and with a flick of the wand I didn't even know she was holding, I popped back into existence. "Hello Alicia."

"Hi..." I said slowly, whipping furiously at my cheeks.

~Meet My Friend~

I looked at Celina and sighed. I was very tempted to just say no. After all she had been ignoring me for the past six weeks. But she was right, it was time.

"How about I ask him later?" I asked her as I watched Sirius walk in with his best friend James Potter and to the entire halls great surprise Lily Evans.

"Well would you look at that. Little Jamise listened to me." Celina muttered with a smirk, causing me to give myself whiplash just so I could look at her fast enough.

"When?" I asked my eyes wide. "When did you talk to James Potter?"

"Well I had to talk to someone didn't I?" She sneered, implying not for the first time that morning that her self induced silence was my fault entirely. That it had been me, not her that initiated it.

"Sure. But why Potter?" I asked, my eyes narrowing. Its not that I didn't trust her around a pureblooded Gryffindor, it's just I didn't trust her around a cute rich famous pureblooded Gryffindor WHO was in love with someone else and would forever hate himself if he did something with a lowly Slytherin. She enjoyed making people feel like that, and I liked James enough to not want that.

"I don't know. I was bored yesterday and so went to the library to check out a book I need for my potions essay, and there he was, his head in his hands. I think he was surprised when I asked him what was wrong, but he told me his problem. I told him to grow up and act mature. Looks like he's doing what I..."Suddenly she stopped talking and I watched as a slight pink hue worked its way over her normally pale features. Turning in the way she was looking I saw James and Sirius heading our way, both with gigantic smiles on their faces.

"Morning love." Sirius said leaning down to kiss my cheek, but I was quicker. I turned my head and kissed him full on the mouth. When I pulled back a second later I was smirking.

"Morning to you to love." I said casually, acting as if nothing had happened. "Have you met my friend, Celina Malfoy?"

"Malfoy huh? Where you at Cissy's wedding?" Sirius said smiling, yes smiling at the girl.

~*~

I watched the three girls around me. They were gazing at me as if I was some rare animal at some muggle zoo somewhere. I guess perfect Miss Evans hadn't been expecting me to be crying. Or in muggle clothing. Surely they didn't think that I would just be perfectly fine when they brought up the boy I had been totally in love with who just up and...

"Happy now?" I asked, the venom in my voice clear even though I was barely speaking. My question was met with a stony silence. "I said are you happy now? Now that you've seen the lowly Slytherin cry?" My eyes must have flashed black, because I watched as the three girls around from me leaned back suddenly, none of them speaking, but none of them showing fear. I studied them then. Lily Evans was a sixth year entering her seventh and final year. She had wavy copper hair and bright emerald eyes that echoed her love for all things. Rai Ling was in my year, we had quite a few classes together. She had once tried to talk to me back in third year, I guess I had been mean cause she never did try again, until now. She had her ebony hair up in a wonderfully done angel plait, her brown eyes where glaring at me. And lastly there was the stupid Hufflepuff Mia Longbottom. She had caused me a load of trouble with Sirius, what with her blonde hair and baby blues eyes, she was one of the most gorgeous girls in school. To bad she didn't have a brain to go with it. "Well? Are you? Or are you going to just sit there and stare at me all day?"

"Oh goodness, Alicia. Have you seen yourself lately?" Mia asked daringly in my opinion.

"No. I don't even care about looks." I said slowly, trying to understand why she had asked me. "And since when did you have permission to call me by my given name?" I sneered.

The compartment was filled with a tense silence after I said that as no one had an answer for my question. And suddenly I felt bad for snapping at these girls. And I sighed. Loudly.

"Look, Alwen. I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that you would be crying. James just said that he saw you come into this compartment. I wanted to talk to you, to let you know that it isn't your fault that Sirius is a pig. That Malfoy is a skank. That you have people who would like to be friends with you if they were allowed." At this Lily moved her hand to indicate the other two and herself. "I myself would love to befriend someone as smart and talented on a broom as you." She smiled and suddenly all I wanted was to smile back. But I couldn't. I couldn't because I didn't remember how to anymore. So instead I grimaced.

"Pfft. Why would I want to be her friend?" Rai asked with a sneer. "She's just a stuck up bitch who oh so sadly got hurt. Oh boo who. Get over it." And I glared. But surprisingly a smile widened itself across her pretty face. "Just kidding Alwen. I just want to know if I can beat the crap out of him for you. I mean just cause I'm a Ravenclaw doesn't mean I can't. If you think about it, I'm the only one here who could get away with it."

"Well if she is to be the fourth to our quartet, then something needs to be done about this whole not caring thing." Mia looked me up and down again. I just knew I would have a hard time liking this girl the most.

~The Disappointed~

Sighing was all I could do lately. I mean what else would an attractive young woman do when her equally attractive boyfriend was constantly MIA or constantly making excuses to leave? Exactly. And of course as I rounded the bend before our normal meeting spot I wasn't that surprised that he wasn't there as usual.

I didn't want to think about how he had slowly been drifting away from me ever since I introduced him to Celina. I didn't want to notice how they smiled at each other. I also didn't want to think that the "break" he had wanted had anything to do with any of it. But her mind wouldn't let her think of another thing.

On top of that my wonderful mind kept telling me that it was all my fault. I introduced them. It was all my fault.

"Alicia?" Jacob's voice asked nervously and I looked up. I wasn't until he touched my cheek that I realized they were wet. "Why are you crying, Alicia?"

"Its all my fault!!" I wailed, throwing myself into his arms, my tears falling faster then before.

"It's not your fault Alicia. It's his fault for being a self serving pig like most guys are." He said rubbing my back slowly. "And her fault for going after him when she knew he was yours. For hurting you like that."

"But, Jacob. I must have done something wrong, something that he didn't like that gave her the opening." I was still crying heavily and all my words came out strangled and I was surprised that he could even understand me.

"At least hes telling you now, instead of months down the road. Though waiting this long was still hurtful enough in the end. In my opinion he should have told you a month ago when this all started." Jacob said squeezing me closer, not noticing my sudden stiffness.

"A-a month!" I squeaked. "He's been see-seeing her for a month!" I pulled away from the stunned blonde. "But I just introduced them a week and a half back! They-they just met!" I was hysterical by now. They had known each other. Had been seeing each other for weeks. And...and! "Oh my god! Jacob! You knew! You knew and you didn't tell me?" I slapped him so hard I think the whole castle and grounds heard the echo. "How dare you call yourself my best friend. You are nothing, nothing to me. You are worse, worse, then he could ever be. You betrayed me. I HATE YOU!" And then I was running as fast as I could.

~*~

"Part of your 'quartet'? I don't think so." I said quietly. All my fight was gone. All my misdirected anger was vanishing slowly. And to tell you the truth, the idea they had wasn't so bad. But I was a Slytherin. And I wasn't exactly one of them. I wasn't the most gorgeous or smartest or popular. I was just a Slytherin Seeker who got dumped by a guy that no one knew I was dating for a year and a half. Why would they want me to be part of their inter-house relations quartet?

"Because you are beautiful, smart, and talented. Thats why." Lily said reading my mind. "I've actually been meaning to talk to you for a while now. Since the end of last year. You were hard to get to though. Ortauré was very protective of you."

Jacob. The reason I was in this compartment. The boy I was hiding from. The one person I would never forgive.

"Okay. What would being in this quartet include?" I asked with just a little interest.

"Well first off you have to dress the part, Alicia." Mia said smirking. But it fell off imediately when she saw my glare. "I mean Alwen."

"Okay so dress the part." I said slowly, secretly smiling as I pulled out a small book. It was my journal of course. But they didnt need to know that.

By the time we arrived at the station the list I was making showed the following.

1. Dress the part. I think this mean to impress....

2. Boys we have dated (or are dating) are off limits. PERIOD.

3. We meet twice a week during a meal to discuss currents and gossip. I'm going to hate this part.

4. The Marauders are losers. (except Remus)

5. You have to get good grades.

6. And lastly you must treat your sisters (Lily's word not mine) with respect and trust their decisions. I think this one was added for me benefit...but I wont argue just now.

"Okay. Well I guess I'll be in this group of yours then. I guess I'll be seeing you next year. Have a good summer." I said before walking off the train, my head turning in all directions to locate my parents.

As I sat in the passenger seat of my mothers rented and enlarged corvet I thought of everything that had happened on that train. Wow next year is going to be interesting isn't it?