Rachel was not usually one for relaxing, she had far too much on her plate to do things like nap in the middle of the afternoon. But it was summer, and it was warm in the grass of her backyard, and Blaine had convinced her to live on the edge and do nothing with him all afternoon.
Blaine could convince her of a lot of things.
Like cheating on her boyfriend, betraying her best friend and potentially destroying her relationship with everyone she knew. But she knew the risks and still took the chance, because he was worth it. Worth the weird looks from Kurt, the fights with Finn over how she spent her time. Not that she thought either of them knew the extent of what was happening, choosing instead to believe that an increase in time spent at the Hudson-Hummel house simply meant Blaine and Rachel had become good friends.
After all, Blaine had reassured Kurt that he was 100% gay. And Rachel had assured Finn that she would never stray again. Sometimes, she reasoned, it was okay to lie, if it meant protecting those you care about.
"Rachel, I have to tell you something," Blaine told her quietly, fingers tracing small designs on her arms as they lay in her backyard. She hummed quietly, letting him know she was listening. "I've been thinking about it for awhile, and I think I'm going to leave Dalton."
She sat up quickly, turning to face Blaine. "Why would you leave Dalton? You love it there!"
"I do," he admitted. "But, I barely get to see you as it is, and transferring to McKinley would give us more of an excuse to be around each other."
"You're not leaving Dalton for me," Rachel stated. "I won't allow it. If we- we'll figure something out." He smiled up at her, amused as he pulled her back down to the grass with him.
"I'm not transferring just for you," he told her.
"Not Kurt, right?" She asked warily. She hated to be jealous, but she didn't like others having what she saw as hers. It was hypocritical of her, given that Finn was supposed to take her out to dinner that night for their three month anniversary, but she couldn't help it.
He hesitated a bit before answering. "I think transferring to McKinley would be better for me. Don't get me wrong, Dalton has a far better academic curriculum, but it's sheltering. I'd be better prepared, socially at least, if I switched schools."
"That didn't answer my question," she accused softly.
"I'm going more for you than Kurt," he promised. She realized he could be lying, just the same as they both lied to their boyfriend's day in and day out, but decided ignorance was bliss and choosing to believe him.
The school year started slowly. As a senior, Rachel had chosen a more difficult course schedule in hopes that it would prepare her for life in college. She was focusing on school, glee, and the drama club-which she rejoined the first day of school.
"I barely get to see you now," Finn whined, but Rachel scoffed.
"I don't complain about you being in football Finn, and I told you-this is my year to focus on getting out of Ohio, on getting into New York," she reminded him, glancing around the busy hallways.
"I still miss you," Finn mumbled, leaning down to kiss her quickly. Her heart softened, and she was about to respond with an 'I love you' when Blaine caught her eye from where he was talking to Kurt down the hall.
"I have to get to class," she said instead, kissing Finn's cheek before darting off.
Being at school with Blaine was different. They had an excuse to be around each other now. Half their scheduled classes were the same, they were in the same lunch, they were both in glee and drama. It felt like they were around each other more than they were with their respective boyfriends.
It should have been simple for Rachel. She loved Finn, but she couldn't deny that she had chemistry with Blaine. And had that been all their relationship was, sneaking around to fuck whenever they got an opportunity, she probably wouldn't have been so snippy with Finn. But there was so much more to her and Blaine, or at least so she was starting to realize. She had never started this with the intentions of falling for him, and yet now she couldn't figure out a way to stop that exact thing from happening.
It hurt to see him in the halls, an easy grin and an arm wrapped around Kurt's waist. It hurt to watch them kiss each other before class, to watch them duet in glee. It hurt that Blaine had told her he wanted to spend more time with her, yet the only time they did seem to spend alone was for sex, not romance. Which, she reminded herself, was what their secretive relationship was for. For Rachel to explore what she liked before trying things with Finn, for Blaine to figure out exactly where he lay on the Kinsey scale before he went to college. They had real relationships, public relationships-those were the ones they were to use for romance and love. Theirs was purely physical. Two friends just helping the other out.
She wondered if he was having sex with Kurt, who he liked better, who made him unhinge more. But this made her lash out at an otherwise unsuspecting Kurt, so she tried not to dwell on these thoughts. Instead she sat, watching, becoming angrier and angrier with no way to let it all out.
She felt like she was going crazy.
"Your duet with Kurt today wasn't as strong as they normally are," she told him one afternoon as they headed towards the auditorium for drama practice. They were putting on West Side Story, playing the leads of Tony and Maria. Finn and Kurt weren't exactly pleased with the situation, but there wasn't much they could say against it.
"I'd rather have her making out with Blaine than some other drama nerd," Finn had shrugged when he heard the news that the leads were supposed to be in love. "At least Blaine is gay, and like, dating my brother."
"I wasn't as into it today as I normally am," Blaine replied lazily now, flipping through his script as they walked into the auditorium, the rest of the drama club there and waiting.
"Well, you better be into practice today Anderson, because I'm not being held back by your subpar performance," Rachel replied haughtily, and while he raised an eyebrow at her comment he didn't say anything as they joined everyone on the stage, once again ready for another long day of pretending to be in love.
Maria was a role Rachel was born for, she had practically memorized the script at the age of 10, knew all of the music and choreography before the first week of rehearsal was even finished. Blaine fit well for the role of Tony, and while he lacked her natural ease at slipping in and out of character, he was believable, and he was talented, and she couldn't have hand picked a better costar. They had an easy back and forth flow, their chemistry came almost too easy for them. One of the smaller roles, a sophomore who wasn't half as talented as Rachel, had remarked on it one day before Rachel silenced her with a glare.
The last thing she needed was for some 15 year old hot shot to ruin everything she was trying to keep together.
They were now a month and a half into rehearsals, most of the cast forgoing the use of their scripts to try and see how far they had gotten with memorization. Rachel and Blaine were the only two who actually got through the entire rehearsal without cheating and running off stage to grab a spare script from a stage hand.
"I'm surrounded by amateurs," Rachel complained off stage while she was waiting for her next scene, Blaine chuckling next to her.
"It is a high school production Rach," he reminded her, glancing around before placing a small kiss on her forehead. She lived for these small moments, so much more intimate than any amount of sneaking around could be. It was when he did things like that, or when he squeezed her hand before walking on stage for his next scene, or when they sat on her bedroom floor laughing for what seemed like hours at the look on Finn's face when he found out that watching Star Wars wouldn't count as extra credit for his astronomy class. It was the little things that made it feel like Blaine cared for her, that this was more than just two friends who occasionally spent their time naked. And if she could find a way to tell him that this is what she wanted, that she wanted all of him and not just the part of him she could take, things might change, things might be better.
But then Kurt or Finn would come around the corner, or call and see how rehearsing lines was going, or ask if they were finished with their AP English assignment, and it was back to the real world, the world where they both had boyfriends they loved.
Rachel was beginning to think the real world really, really sucked.
"This is ridiculous," Rachel sighed as she unbuckled her seatbelt, trying to calm her nerves.
"Your house was on my way over," Blaine shrugged, reaching over to squeeze her leg gently before getting out of the car. "They're not going to think more into it than that." Rachel glared at him, ready to argue that yes, they possibly could, but got out of the car nonetheless.
"Why didn't you and Finn do this project earlier anyways?" she asked, taking a mirror out of her purse to triple check her appearance as they headed up the front steps of the Hudmel house.
Blaine shrugged as he reached the door, knocking twice before swinging it open. "Why do today what you can put off til tomorrow?" he grinned, heading into the kitchen where they could hear Finn and Kurt already arguing.
"I told you not to make the hot chocolate in the microwave," Kurt sighed, waving as he cleaned up what looked like a mess of hot chocolate spilling everywhere from the counter.
"The mug was too hot to hold," Finn said, walking over to Rachel and kissing her, grabbing her hips to pull her closer before she could pull back with a slight laugh, patting down her hair and glancing over at where Blaine was watching with an amused expression, Rachel's annoyance settling in even more when he pulled Kurt over and kissed him quickly.
"Okay, Kurt, I do believe we have a marathon to get started on," Rachel said, clapping her hands so that she didn't have to see the two kiss anymore.
"We should probably get started on our project," Blaine agreed, though he wasn't really looking at Finn. Rachel dropped her gaze, she hated being in a group like this, sure she was going to fuck it up somehow and everything would come tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop it. She tried convincing herself it was easy, just like playing a part, but the longer their affair went on, the more real it became to her, and the harder it was to keep it locked up.
Finn sighed heavily behind Rachel, squeezing his hand where it was on her hip tightly before kissing the side of her head and nodding. "Let's go work in the basement," he nodded towards the door. "More room down there."
"Don't do anything we wouldn't do," Kurt laughed, and Rachel gave a small smile at the joke as Blaine kissed Kurt again on his way to the door.
"Oh, dudes, can you bring us some hot chocolate? Like, real hot chocolate? With the little marshmallows?" Finn asked them before grinning and heading down the stairs.
"Guess we're making hot chocolate first," Kurt said with a grin, and Rachel grinned back. She could do this, spend the night with her best friend without letting it out that she was sleeping with his boyfriend-something she wasn't even doing with her own.
"Let's make them cookies too," she decided, heading towards the cabinets as Kurt flicked on the iPod. Their movie marathon could wait.
By the time 9pm rolled around, Finn was disgusted and Blaine was bored, and they had decided to crash Kurt and Rachel's movie marathon.
"You guys are supposed to be working on your project," Rachel huffed when they interrupted Funny Girl.
"Well, maybe I wanted to see this movie again," Finn retorted as he flopped down next to her on the couch, pulling her towards him as Blaine sat on the other side of her, Kurt leaning against his legs on the floor. She shot a glare at Blaine, as if this was his fault-everything was his fault in her mind-but tried to focus on the movie again.
Her focus wasn't there at all. She could feel Blaine next to her, feel his body heat and just knew without even looking at him that he was smirking, that he knew she was uncomfortable with this and still moved even closer to her. She felt as one of his hands fell to her ankle, rubbing small circles as they all watched the movie. Ignore it, she told herself, trying not to notice how his hand moved slowly upwards, still innocently, nowhere that if Finn or Kurt noticed they could call them out for their behavior, but she knew what he was doing. She just didn't know why.
She shivered a little against Finn when Blaine's hand reached just behind her knee, trying to feign it off as coldness when Finn looked at her, Blaine's hand suddenly gone from her skin. "Chilly," she explained, and he nodded, grabbing a blanket from the side of the couch and handing it to her with a smile. "Thanks," she said softly, leaning her head down on Finn's arm, her hands holding onto him as if he was a life preserver and he could save her from Blaine. The blanket was warm, too warm, but she couldn't just change her story, not now. And when Blaine's hand went back to its previous location, she closed her eyes and tried to figure out what to do.
She cursed herself for wearing a skirt, especially without tights. It was the middle of October, what had she been thinking? Of course, a replay of the afternoon's events before Blaine brought her to their boyfriends house went through her mind, and the skirt was justified once more. But now as his hand snaked its way up her legs, slowly so as not to alert the others, she regretted not deciding to wear pants, or for not changing into her pajamas sooner.
When his fingers traced the edge of her skirt, she moved her own hand away from Finn, pretending to stretch before reaching under the blanket and moving Blaine's hand away, glaring at him as subtly as she could. What the fuck are you doing, she wanted to yell at him. They were never this-this brazen, not in front of Kurt and Finn. They kept their sexual relationship as hidden away as they possibly could, and it was like Blaine was trying to throw that out the window all at once.
"I don't feel like watching a movie anymore," Rachel announced when Blaine's hand moved right back to where it was, standing up suddenly and letting the blanket-and Blaine's hand-fall.
"We could always play with the xbox?" Finn suggested, and Rachel shook her head, pulling Finn off the couch.
"I have a better idea," she said, standing on her toes to kiss him, her eyes focused on Blaine as she did.
"I don't know Rach," Finn said awkwardly. "I mean, you know, just-"
"I think it's a great idea to split up into couple time," Kurt suggested, hopping onto the couch next to Blaine, Blaine's arm winding around Kurt's hip as Rachel leaned in closer to Finn. "Dad and Carole won't be home for a few hours, and then you two can go back to finishing your project and Rach and I can finish our marathon."
Finn looked hesitant, but Rachel's mind was made up. If Blaine could play games, so could she. She knew 'an eye for an eye' was a horrible way to live, but it was rapidly becoming her motto. "Let's go," she whispered, grinning up at Finn before pulling him towards the stairs. Finn gave the other two a small shrug before following her, his pace quickening now.
"What's up with you tonight?" Finn asked with a low chuckle as Rachel attached herself to his lips, dragging him over to his bed as soon as they hit the second floor.
"I was just thinking," she replied, unbuttoning his polo before sliding it off of him, "that maybe-it's time?" she asked, wondering vaguely if he would even be able to tell that she wasn't a virgin anymore, that that ship had sailed a long time ago, and if he did what her excuse would be. She supposed she could pin it on Jesse, and their fling the previous spring.
"Time?" Finn asked, his voice slightly higher as she untucked her blouse from her skirt, unbuttoning it quickly.
"For us, to, you know, progress to the next level," she answered firmly, her voice only shaking slightly. She wasn't even sure why she had put this off for so long, though she reasoned that sleeping with two guys made her feel dirty in a way that cheating on her boyfriend to sleep with someone else didn't even do. Sleeping with both of them, however, seemed wrong.
But Blaine had pushed her buttons, had pissed her off and turned her on all at once, and it was something she couldn't take out on him. Except, of course, with Finn. She pulled Finn's face back to her own, kissing him gently before he pulled back. "Not that I'm not all on board for this," he said quietly, his hands trailing softly down her sides, sending a slight shiver down her back at his hand on her bare skin, something she never really got used to, "but this is skipping a step or two. Are you sure?"
"Positive," she replied, wiggling out of her skirt before attacking his belt, her mouth trailing kissing along his chest, biting gently here and there. "I mean, you want to don't you?" she asked hesitantly, suddenly shy at the thought that maybe this wasn't something Finn wanted to do.
He made a noise that could only be considered a growl, knocking her onto her back as he climbed over her, her hands fumbling with his jeans. "More than you could ever know," he assured her, and she let out a laugh, trying to hush the part of her brain that hoped Blaine heard it on the floor below.
Rachel had thrown her overnight bag in Kurt's room shortly after their cookie making adventures, and when Finn had fallen asleep (almost instantly) she walked back down the hall in one of his teeshirts, large enough to cover herself until she could shower and clean herself of the thought that she slept with two very different boys that night. She was grateful that Finn hadn't noticed anything off about her performance, like that she shouldn't have been skilled at all, but she supposed at 17 neither of them were really supposed to have any expectations of what was happening.
"Rachel?" Blaine's voice called as she went through her bag, freezing automatically when she realized how little she was wearing.
"What?" she snapped, glancing over at the doorway to where Blaine was smirking. "Why aren't you downstairs with your boyfriend," she accused, venom practically oozing out of her mouth at the word.
"We finished up before you did," Blaine shrugged, still leaning against the doorjamb. "I said I was going to change into some sweats so that I was more comfortable when Finn and I went back to our project. I didn't think you'd be in here."
"Yeah, well, I wanted to shower," she muttered, going back to her bag and picking up some pajamas.
"Right, well, don't let me stand in your way," he replied, not moving from his spot.
"I wouldn't dream of it," she retorted, trying to keep calm. She wanted to call him out for his earlier actions, wanted to tell him what an asshole he was for trying to do anything with the other two right there, but Finn was only on the other side of the room, and the last thing she needed was for him to wake up and overhear her.
"Have fun," Blaine taunted as she stood and walked towards Kurt's bathroom, his voice light and teasing and smarmy and it broke down her resistance not to snap.
"What the hell is wrong with you Blaine?" she hissed, spinning around to face him. His eyes widened a bit, but he didn't say anything. "You sit there and say they won't suspect anything, but then you go and-you just, you try and put your hand up my skirt while they're right there, and it's like you're trying to get caught!" she seethed, her eyes narrowed at him as he walked further into the room, closing the door quietly behind him as he walked over to her.
"I didn't like seeing Hudson all over you," he shrugged, tilting her face up to look up in his.
"You're the one all over Kurt!" she snapped back, but his hands on her face were sending her into a reluctant calm, and when he leaned down to kiss her-gently, tender, something they rarely allowed themselves-all of her anger vanished.
Until he pulled back, and she remembered where she was and what was going on. "No, not here, I have to go shower," she said almost to herself, shaking her head to get out of the fog that always seemed to wash over her sense of reality and right versus wrong when he was around. "Just, go away," she said even quieter before heading into the bathroom, slamming the door perhaps a little too harshly at the slightly hurt look on Blaine's face as he stood in the middle of Kurt's room.
"We're only a week away from opening night people!" Mr. Ryerson yelled as Jake, a junior with an average voice, flubbed his line once again. Rachel was off stage, waiting for her scene coming up. They were trying to have a dress rehearsal, and it wasn't going over well. "Do it again!"
Rachel watched as Blaine went back into character, trying his hardest not to roll his eyes at Jake's subpar performance.
"Whatchya been taking tonight?" Jake asked, moving around the stage in an unnecessary fashion.
"A trip to the moon," Blaine replied, ever the Tony he was cast as. "And I'll tell you a secret. It isn't a man that's up there, Doc. It's a girl, a lady." Rachel was hypnotized, as she often was when Blaine was performing. He was amazing, between nailing down the lines and his general air of charisma, she was amazed the rest of the school wasn't throwing themselves at him. She watched as he moved around the stage, watched as he outshone Jake by a million.
She had barely noticed more dialogue had passed before she heard her favorite lines, the lines that had always hooked her even before it was Blaine saying them. "Doc, I'm in love," he was reciting now.
"How do you know?" Jake asked, moving out of her way so she could stare unashamedly at Blaine, watching as a grin crossed his face, his eyes finding hers for just a second before he delivered his next line.
"Because," he said, half a shrug forming before continuing. "There isn't any other way I could feel." Rachel took a deep breath, remembering that it was a play, these words were Tony's and not Blaine's, that they were about Maria and not Rachel.
In a 11 days, all these words would be in the past, and she'd never have to talk about how much she loved Blaine again.
"You were fantastic," Finn grinned at her, kissing her quickly before Kurt pushed him out of the way, hugging his best friend tightly.
"You guys truly made us worried you were in love for a second," Kurt grinned, and Rachel let out a shaky laugh, gripping the flowers Finn had brought for her tighter as Blaine's hand tensed on her back. Opening night had been a massive success, the show actually having sold out-though she supposed with the amount of press around school they had been doing for it, she shouldn't have been surprised.
"Seriously, I am psyched for tomorrows performance," Finn said, squeezing Rachel's hand as he beamed at her.
"And Sunday's," Kurt reminded him.
"And Sunday's," Finn repeated. Rachel just smiled at the two, glad when her fathers came over to separate the rest of them a moment later. "I'll talk to you later," Finn promised, and she nodded, trying not to physically pull away when he leaned down to kiss her again.
"I can not believe that you told Finn it was illegal to bring someone from outside the cast to the cast party," Blaine chuckled two nights later as they lay around someone's basement. A couple of freshman who had been in the chorus were singing karaoke-badly-in the corner of the room, and Rachel had a vague suspicion that Jake and his friends were getting high from their spot on the couch.
"Well, I just-I needed some space," she shrugged, taking a sip of the beer that had been graciously provided by the older sibling of whoevers party they were at.
"Yes, it must be horrible for your boyfriend to want to spend time with you," Blaine joked, and she didn't respond, instead choosing to down the rest of her beer. It was disgusting and she knew that she'd regret it, but she could always skip school the next day, her fathers would never imagine their baby girl was suffering from a hangover instead of a bad cold.
"Things are complicated," she shrugged, not really wanting to go into specifics. "Besides, I don't see Kurt anywhere," she shot back, twirling the empty bottle in her hand now.
"Well, I couldn't very well bring him after you so effortlessly lied to Finn, now could I? I didn't want you getting in trouble."
"You didn't seem to have any problem with that before," she muttered, pushing herself off the wall and trying to find where exactly the cooler full of alcohol was.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow as he trailed behind her.
"Nothing," she said nonchalantly. "Nothing at all. Where's the alcohol and beers?" Blaine chuckled, leading her to a small room off the side of the main one, grabbing two more beers for them and handing her one, ducking low to kiss the side of her mouth quickly before she pulled back.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, settling for opening her bottle for her when she struggled with it.
"Oh no, not at all," she replied snarkily, draining half the bottle in one go. "I'm only having a secret affair with my best friends boyfriend who's supposed to be gay, and my boyfriend has no idea so he wants to have sex all the time now, and I feel like a horrible person for sleeping with two guys at once, and then of course there's all the feelings-"
"Feelings?" Blaine interrupted, snapping Rachel back to attention before she could go on.
"Yes," she replied, less sure of herself than before. "Anger, betrayal, jealousy, feeling like I'm a horrible person who can't believe she ever agreed to this-this arrangement," she stuttered out, being sure to keep things like confusion and love out of the mix. The less she told Blaine, she had decided long ago, the better. The less emotionally attached their situation was, the easier it would be to remove herself.
But that was far easier said than done.
"Jealousy?" Blaine asked, an eyebrow raised, and she sighed in frustration before storming out of the small room and into the bigger one. With more people around, the less likely she was to spill things she didn't want to.
"I don't-why do you even care," she replied, heading for the center of the room and draining the rest of her drink. She was still a light weight, the alcohol affecting her quickly.
"Rachel, please, you know I care," Blaine said quietly, and she would have thought it was her imagination if she hadn't seen the words leave his mouth. "Just-come with me," he said, grabbing her wrist and leading her up the stairs and out the front door, the cold November air hitting hard and fast as they stood in the front yard, the clouds warning of snow above them.
"What?" she snapped, crossing her arms across her chest. Her coat was inside, and she didn't want to be out there long. She didn't want to be around him anymore, the feeling that their relationship-whatever their relationship was-was a bigger and bigger mistake.
"Why would you ever be jealous?" Blaine asked, fingers playing with her hair as he pushed some behind her ear.
"Maybe because seeing you and Kurt all over each other all the time is nauseating? Please. You two are hardly in love-your relationship is one of convenience more than anything," Rachel ranted, barely aware of what she was saying, the words spilling out like word vomit before she could stop them.
"And you think it's fun for me to see you and Finn all the time?" Blaine asked, but his voice wasn't accusatory, not like hers was.
She let out a shrill laugh, pulling away from him. "Funny way of showing it Anderson," she bit out, "since you've never once even hinted that anything I do has any effect on you at all."
"Of course it does," Blaine stated, his voice still trying to stay calm.
"No, it doesn't. You don't care that I've been sitting here trying not to fall for you and doing so regardless, that it makes my skin physically crawl every time you do so much as touch Kurt's arm, that I would break up with Finn in an instant if it meant that you would be with me. You don't care that I'm completely in love with you, because to you I'm just an experiment."
"I think we passed experiment a long time ago," Blaine said, his voice harder now.
"Even if we did, it doesn't change that you're so hopelessly head over heels for Kurt and I'm left in the cold," she snapped, turning back towards the house and ignoring his pleas for her to come back, grabbing her coat and sneaking out the back door before walking home, her heart pounding the entire time as her words repeated over and over in her head.
She didn't speak to Blaine for a week, avoiding him as often as she could and attempting to wrap herself up in Finn. Kurt commented on the fact that they hadn't so much as talked since the cast party, joking that maybe they hooked up and didn't want to acknowledge it. Rachel had rolled her eyes, letting out an annoyed huff before storming off, Finn suggesting that maybe "it's just that time of month," with a conspiring wide eyed look.
She didn't bother correcting him, it was at least some sort of an excuse and allowed her to be a bitch to all three of them without too much repercussion.
Blaine didn't say a word about it.
Rachel hated math. She hated it with a passion that rivaled her passion for musicals and fame, and thus ended up asking for a pass to the nurses office with relative regularity. Her math teacher didn't say anything, Rachel was still getting an A regardless, the room was quieter with her gone, and Rachel could go and use the time to work on song writing or deciding which solos she'd use for whatever Mr. Schuester's lesson for the week was while pretending to nap.
"Rachel," Blaine hissed as he pulled her into an empty classroom on her way to the nurses office, startling her and almost causing her to scream.
"What the fuck are you doing Blaine?" she hissed, rubbing her wrist where he had grabbed her. He flashed an apologetic face towards her, shutting the door behind them as she moved to sit on one of the desks, vaguely aware this was the room used for Freshman health and wellness.
"I wanted to talk to you, but you've been ignoring me all week-"
"Usually when a person is ignoring you, it means they want to be left alone," she shot back, but he rolled his eyes.
"Rachel, can't we just talk about this? Like, without the hostility?"
"Are you still with Kurt?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, knowing full well that he was after having watched the two practically make out during the entirety of their lunch period.
"I-Rachel, I can't just-"
"You told me you were coming here more for me than him," Rachel seethed, the anger she had been trying so hard to hide for the past few months bubbling over the edge. Rachel wasn't good at keeping things in, wasn't good at not letting all her emotions out. She couldn't keep herself in check anymore, and once more the word vomit was ready to spray out, only this time she couldn't excuse it with alcohol. "You said that you wanted to spend more time with me, and yet the only time we do spend together is when we're fucking."
"We just spent two months spending every afternoon together!" Blaine defended, but Rachel shook her head, scoffing at his excuse.
"Because we were in an extracurricular together. Not because you wanted to spend time with me, not because you care about me as a person, as something more than a-god, a booty call," she shuddered as the words hit her, the sudden awareness that that was all she was to him nearly swallowing her whole. "God, I am so, so stupid," she whispered, feeling tears well up in her eyes.
"No, Rachel, please that's not at all-"
"Yes, Blaine, it is," she said, blinking back the stinging in her eyes, the overwhelming sensation of desperation washing over her. "It's exactly what I've been to you. I've been here, stupidly falling for your charm and your wit and your talent and you've just used me because it was easy, because I was there. I could have been any girl to you, whereas you were the boy to me. So fuck you Blaine. Fuck. You. We're done." Blaine opened his mouth and closed it, and through her own watery eyes she might have made out a few tears of his own, but she was too busy storming past him, arms tightly wound around herself as she ran as fast as she could to the nurses office, promptly throwing up as soon as she entered the small room and asking to go home.
She couldn't be around him any longer than she already had been.
She lay in bed for three days, wallowing and allowing herself to play hooky after 12 years of nearly perfect attendance. She had never skipped school intentionally before, not because she wanted to go but because she knew that skipping would ruin her chances of getting into the school of her dreams. But she deserved this, and her dad's didn't think anything of her staying home for a few days.
"Wore herself out," she heard them say as they passed by her room one night, laying in the dark on her bedroom floor.
Finn had tried coming over, but she didn't feel like being around him, told him to tell Kurt that it's okay not to come over, she's contagious and no one should be around her right now anyways. He seemed to take her word for it, leaving her to a Barbra marathon with a bowl of vegan soup and a quick kiss before he darted out of the house. She was continually amazed at how easily the lies slipped out now, how she could tell him complete bullshit without a blink of an eye and he'd still take her word for it. She was even more amazed at how the guilt had gone away, how she never felt bad anymore.
"It's his fault for believing me," she muttered, going back to Yentl, though her heart wasn't in it, her mind busy wandering between trying to figure out exactly when she had gotten in so deep, though if she was honest it had been ever since she first met him the previous year at Sectional's, which sent her into a we've only known each other for a year and he's sending me into this spiral tailspin, requiring digging through the freezer for something sweet to eat while her dad's were still at work.
Halfway through Funny Lady, the sequel to Funny Girl which wasn't nearly as good in Rachel's not-so-humble opinion, she found herself on her living room floor, staring at the ceiling and tracing memories, her hand moving in circles in the air above her as if she was in some sort of drunken haze.
There were the obvious highlights of their relationship, their kiss last February before he started dating Kurt and their date that didn't go nearly as well as either had hoped, the play, their friendship through Kurt and Finn.
But then there were the things that most didn't notice, or pay any attention to. Like the first time Blaine asked Rachel if she wanted to hang out, just the two of them. It had only been a couple weeks into summer, and she had been busy trying to collect together everything she would need to apply to the colleges she was going to apply to, as well as spending time with her new relationship once more with Finn. She had been surprised, but when he admitted he had a weakness for Barbra, how was she to turn him down?
And the first few times they hung out, it had been purely platonic. She had pushed aside thoughts of Blaine and her ever being together like that, had to once he made his declaration of sexuality, once she had gotten back together with Jesse and then Finn. They had laughed and gossiped and sang along to musical after musical, and Rachel ignored the weird flutter she had when he took her hand and they danced around her basement.
They were just friends.
She continued telling herself this for two weeks and three days before anything happened, sitting in the backseat of her car. Kurt and Finn had been with them, but when Carole and Burt demanded their presence at home, Rachel had offered to bring Blaine home. Which is how they ended up sitting in his driveway, laughing and talking about whatever flitted through their brains as it rained outside and they waited for the eventual pause in the downpour.
The rain didn't stop, and when Blaine caught Rachel by surprise with a kiss, she didn't stop him either. Didn't think to stop him as he slipped her shirt over her head, didn't think to stop herself before her hands were exploring more of Blaine than she had ever done with Finn.
She thought it was a one time thing, something they'd never talk about again.
She had been half right, and now she snorted at the thought as the credits rolled on her movie, snapping her back to reality. It wasn't June anymore, she had been stupid enough to let their tryst last nearly 6 months, and it was time to get back on her feet as the diva with big dreams and a real relationship with the boy she loved.
Or at least, the boy who loved her.
Rachel thought she managed to come back with more her than she had been before, being polite and civil with Blaine so that their sudden animosity wouldn't be a source of questioning but focusing on school, glee, college deadlines, and Finn.
Blaine tried to talk to her about things, but she shoved him aside, a polite smile on her face and ice in her tone as she explained that she shouldn't talk to him outside of class or glee, because she had a boyfriend and a relationship she was trying to keep, thank you very much. After a couple weeks, he stopped approaching her, and she was ignoring that it might have hurt more now when their conversations didn't go further than small talk.
"Spring break is coming up," Kurt announced one day in mid-January as they all sat down at lunch, Rachel pushing food around her plate in an effort to at least look like she was maybe eating.
"It's still like, four months away," Finn argued, and when Kurt shot him an annoyed look he quickly shut up, stuffing more fries in his mouth.
"It's two months away Finn. March 30th is only two months and 17 glorious days away," Kurt mused, going off in a daydream for a second, Blaine chuckling on the other side of him while Rachel busied herself by pretending the scene at the table full of Cheerio's was insanely fascinating. "Anyways," Kurt finally said, snapped out of his reverie by a semi-annoyed Finn, "I was thinking that we should go to New York, to see colleges and stuff."
"Um, dude? How are we going to afford that for all four of us?" Finn asked, still chomping away at his food.
"I wasn't asking all four of us Finn," Kurt replied with slight annoyance. "Are you looking into schools in New York?"
"No?" Finn offered, "I already got into Ohio State. With both a music and a football scholarship. Why would I give that up?"
"Then I clearly wasn't saying you should go with us."
"Who, exactly, is us?" Blaine asked hesitantly, his eyes veering towards Rachel as she once again busied herself watching Santana laugh at something Brittany must have said.
"You, Rach and I. I've been saving up enough money for a short trip from working at the garage all these years-"
"I don't know how with all your clothes you spend money on," Finn shook his head, but Kurt ignored him.
"And I think I want to check out FIT and Parson's and see which one I like better before I make a decision on which one I want to go to. And Rach could stand with taking a tour of NYADA, since she's a shoo in over there. Plus, it'll give us a feel for what it'll be like next year, the three of us taking over Manhattan," Kurt practically squealed, clapping his hands as he finished.
"I'm not sure," Rachel said quietly, she felt like whenever Blaine was around she was always quiet, but she couldn't bring it in herself to be louder in front of him.
"What are you not sure about? It's New York City, Rachel, it's our dream. It's already settled."
"I think I'll just stay home," Blaine shrugged, and Finn held out a hand to high five him, once more ignoring Kurt's glare.
"You can't just stay home," Kurt practically seethed. "You have to come with us." The three of them turned to look at Kurt, but Kurt just huffed and stood up, muttering "Fine, stay here, stay here next year and we'll never see each other and we'll just end up one of those high school couples who couldn't handle the real world," before storming off, leaving the rest in a stunned silence.
"Well shit," Finn finally said, causing Rachel to roll her eyes and Blaine give a short wave before darting off after Kurt.
"Rachel, please come to New York with me," Kurt whined a couple weeks later, laying on her bed and doodling around the edges of his homework while she tried to focus on her own.
"I already told you, I don't think my dads will allow it," she told him distractedly. In truth, her dads would love for her to go, would probably fund both of them to go and wait anxiously to hear all about what it was like, where in the city the campus was, what the dorms were like, if she was excited about spending the next four years there.
"Rachel, I'm literally begging you. This is something I never do, and I will literally get on my hands and knees and grovel if I have to. Come with me." She shot him a look, trying to show her annoyance, but he had the saddest look and it was as if he sensed her potential weakness, jumping off the bed and crawling over to her, opening his eyes impossibly wide to portray sadness. "Please?" he drew out, and she gave him a small smile.
"I'll ask them tonight during dinner," she caved, laughing when Kurt jumped up and down, throwing fists in the air.
"WE'RE GOING TO NEW YORK," Kurt cheered, louder than necessary as he pulled her out of her chair, spinning her around the room until they both collapsed on the floor, dizzy and laughing.
The next two months went by impossibly slow. Rachel waited impatiently for her acceptance into NYADA, Kurt got both his main acceptances, Blaine got his acceptance to NYU. She was the only one left, and she refused to open any other college letters until that one came.
The day before they were headed off to NYC, it arrived.
"I'm nervous," she told Finn, who was practically jumping up and down in excitement. He had been content with his own plans for months, having signed on early for the football team at Ohio State. When Rachel called and said the letter arrived, he had driven over quicker than he ever had before, tugging Blaine and Kurt with him. She wasn't exactly thrilled with Blaine's presence there on this, the most important moment of her life, but under the pretense of them being friends she didn't put up a fight.
"Look at the size of that envelope," Kurt scoffed, squeezing her shoulder. "You got in."
"They'd be crazy not to accept you," Blaine offered quietly.
"Just open it babe," Finn promised, nodding at her. She took a deep breath, trying to focus on her boyfriend before her eyes inevitably slid back to Blaine, ignoring that it was only once he had smiled encouragingly that she ripped open the envelope, letting half the papers fall on the floor as she took in the first sentence. "Well?" Finn asked after a minute of complete silence, and she looked at him, wide smile on her face.
"I got in," she whispered, the three of them piling up on her for a giant group hug, laughing at any doubt she ever had and Kurt yelling "WE'RE GOING TO NEW YORK" over and over.
"We are in New York City," Kurt flailed quietly as they wound their way around the sidewalks in Central Park.
"Kurt," Rachel laughed, holding her friends hand, "we've been here for two days now. We've seen Parsons and FIT. We have an appointment to look at NYADA tomorrow. And in five short months, we'll be living here."
"I know!" he squealed, his face lit up with happiness. "I just can't believe we're finally going to be here," he elaborated. "Like, full time. For example, say it's Sunday morning and I want to meet up with you, I can just be like, 'hey Rach, meet me at Tiffany's, I'll bring the coffee if you bring the bagels.'"
"Or, 'Kurt, they're sitting outside the Gershwin signing autographs, meet me there now.'"
"Or, 'Rachel, I can't sleep, meet me in Times Square," Kurt giggled, swaying their hands dramatically back and forth as they passed the carnival area.
"Or, 'Kurt, I'm pretty sure I got off the subway 7 exits too early, come find me?'" Rachel said, and they both erupted into laughter. It felt amazing to be in the city, Rachel feeling light in a way she didn't think was possible. This place was her home, and she wanted to be there more than anything else.
"What are you going to do about Finn?' Kurt asked after a couple minutes, swinging them towards the old carousel and the baseball fields.
"What do you mean?" she asked, looking towards the little kids with their parents and nanny's waiting for their turn on the carousel.
"I mean, what are you going to do when you live here and he's still in Ohio?"
"I mean, I suppose we'll have to break up," Rachel shrugged. She hadn't thought about it much, her relationship with Finn not nearly as important as it was supposed to be. "I don't think we'd survive the long distance thing. We barely survive the close distance thing," she let slip without meaning too, spotting a small café and pulling Kurt towards it.
"I thought you guys were doing well?" Kurt asked, grabbing menus from the stand and finding a table in the corner overlooking the baseball fields, a group of kids running around the bases as Rachel sat down on his left, perusing the menu before answering.
"We're doing-" she started, pausing when she looked up to see Kurt's raised eyebrow.
"How about I make you a deal," he offered after the waiter came over and took their order and their menus. "You be completely honest about you and Finn, and I'll be completely honest about Blaine and I." Rachel bit her lip, unsure if she really wanted to hear about Blaine and Kurt. The fact that her natural instinct was to milk Kurt for details about every tiny problem they had just so she could sweep in and fix them and steal Blaine away told her that she shouldn't agree, but Kurt was her best friend. She couldn't ignore his problems.
"Deal," she finally agreed, taking a deep breath. "I love Finn. Or, I did. He was the first guy I ever really loved, and I thought when we got together again that we could make everything last and it'd be the perfect fairy tale romance. But it wasn't, at all," she said, sighing dramatically. "I just wanted something real and wonderful and worthwhile, and I feel like we just never took off after National's last year."
"Maybe you didn't really want Finn," Kurt suggested softly. "Maybe you wanted, like, the idea of Finn. The security of him."
"Pot calling the kettle black," Rachel retorted, a little stung by the truth in his statement.
"What are you talking about?" Kurt scoffed, but Rachel just rolled her eyes.
"If it had been any other gay boy that you ran into, would you have fallen for them just because they were there, and they were gay, and it's better than being lonely?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. I, I love Blaine," Kurt stuttered out, but Rachel just stared at him until he broke. "Okay, fine. So maybe I forced myself into feelings for Blaine. Granted it didn't start like that, but when he said he loved me-yes, I freaked out. And I realized that I didn't love Blaine, I loved the idea of him. But I love him now."
"You love Blaine, the person, and not Blaine, the idea?" she asked, her heart aching the longer this conversation continued. She was letting out her accusations without consequence now, the things she had been silently observing for a year pouring out without a stopper to them. "You love him unconditionally, and enough to get through another 4 years of college and even after that?"
"I don't know!" Kurt finally snapped. "I don't-it's complicated." He quieted down for a second as their food was delivered, the two of them munching silently as they looked out at the view, of the buildings behind the baseball fields, of the juggler doing some sort of performance a little ways away. "I love having Blaine, because he makes me feel secure," Kurt finally said, snapping Rachel out of her trance. "I love having Blaine because he's a great person and he makes me feel loved. But no, I don't suppose I really love Blaine enough to stay with him through college and beyond."
"How do we get into these messes?" Rachel sighed, twirling her straw in her water.
"If only I knew Rachel Berry, if only I knew."
Rachel was exhausted when they came home late Thursday night. She was looking forward to crashing in her bed and sleeping until late the next morning, figuring she'd unpack and do laundry the rest of the afternoon before going over to see Finn.
What she hadn't expected was for Blaine to be sitting on her bed when she walked in the door.
"Um," she articulated, halted in her doorway when she saw him, laying there reading a book.
"Sorry for the intrusion," he said, no trace of humor anywhere on his normally happy face. "But I have to tell you about something and it's kind of important."
"It couldn't wait?" She finally asked, finally coming into her own room and dropping her bag on the floor. "It was a long flight and we didn't really sleep that much this week."
"You're going to want to know about this," he told her, and something in his voice made her pay attention.
"What is it?"
"Well, you know how Finn and I decided to hang out while you were gone," he started, and her body immediately tensed.
"He doesn't know, does he?" She asked quietly, and he shook his head.
"No, it's-it's not that," he assured her, but he wasn't looking at her anymore and that made her even more wary. "Anyways, Saturday we hung out and watched some basketball and then Sunday we played football with a bunch of the other guys, and Monday we-"
"Get to the important part Blaine," Rachel sighed, "I don't need a rundown of every day."
"Well, we hung out pretty much every day, which was the point of the rundown. So I figured when I got the new Call of Duty today, he'd want to play, so I went over." He stopped talking and Rachel hesitated before moving to sit across from him on her bed, blocking the rush of memories of the two of them in various other positions on the very same piece of furniture before she could let them take over.
"Tell me," she said quietly, pushing him to get whatever it was he didn't want to acknowledge out.
"He wasn't alone," Blaine finally said, looking up at her. "I went up to his room, because that's where I figured he'd be. And he was. He just-wasn't alone." Rachel closed her eyes, taking in Blaine's words, her heart beat going erratic as she tried to process them.
"He was-" she asked, and he nodded before she could finish the sentence. "I don't understand."
So, Blaine, finally over the awkward initial admittance, told her all of it-how he thought he heard weird noises, but knew her and Kurt were sitting in JFK waiting for their flight, so he walked in. How he was stunned to find Santana there, Finn and her half-dressed across his bed. How when Finn saw him, he tried to bumble out an explanation while Santana let herself out, how Blaine threw a punch towards Finn out of reflex, showing her his hand to prove it, how this nearly escalated into a full-fledged fight, how words were exchanged between the two. How if it hadn't been for Kurt, he might have told Finn about his relationship with Rachel out of spite, but he managed to leave before the words spilled out.
It was silent for a few moments while Rachel worked through her thoughts, "What do I do?" slipping out almost silently. He shrugged, seemingly out of words.
"I used to think it was simple," Blaine half joked. "You find out your boyfriend is cheating, you dump him. But after-"
"It's a little more complicated now," Rachel agreed, cutting him off.
"I just thought you should know," he said quietly after a few minutes. She nodded, her fingers lightly brushing over his knuckles where the evidence of his violence lay.
"I think I just need to be alone for a bit," she finally responded, and he nodded with a quick 'of course'. He stood off her bed, hovering for a second before kissing the top of her head and darting out the door.
As fucked up as things were with Finn, Rachel couldn't believe she spent the rest of the night analyzing that.
Rachel put off going over to Finn's as long as she could. She spent her afternoon doing laundry, framing her acceptance letter, cleaning-anything to avoid the confrontation sure to follow.
She wasn't even upset anymore, not really. Their relationship had been a sham since the first time she kissed Blaine, once she started lying to Finn about what she was doing all those afternoons spent with him. She should have ended it then, but she enjoyed the security of having Finn still, someone that loved her unconditionally. It was shock more than pain that had her emotional the night before, and now she just wanted to sever the tie quickly.
She sighed, putting the rest of her clothes away and looking around. She couldn't avoid it any longer. She had to break up with Finn.
She knocked before letting herself in, heading up the familiar staircase to Finn's bedroom. She wondered momentarily if she'd get to come to this house again-if Kurt and her would spend time together there, or if Kurt would even want to see her period. The thought saddened her more than her break up with Finn, which reassured her that she was doing the right thing as she approached his door, knocking lightly.
"Come in," Finn called, sounding distracted. She opened the door, venturing in only enough to lean against the wall next to it. "Rach," he cried, his voice anguished as he moved towards her, a look of sadness and pain coloring his features more than the black eye Blaine had delivered.
"Don't," she said quietly, moving just out of his reach. "I just came here to make things official."
"Blaine actually told you?" Finn asked, his voice incredulous as he put his hands in his pockets. "You two barely speak for months, but as soon as I fuck up, he runs to you." Rachel winced internally, having been in denial for so long that perhaps no one had noticed the silence between her and Blaine.
"We haven't-that is beside the point Finn," Rachel tried to explain away.
"Why? Because no ones allowed to bring up the weird vibe between you and Blaine without you getting huffy and Blaine looking upset?" Finn countered. "You know, Kurt and I used to joke that it was like you two were dating more than you and I were. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe that was the case."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Rachel replied, narrowing her eyes, her heartbeat speeding up to an almost unhealthy speed.
"I think you do Rach. I think that something happened between you two, but I turned an ignorant eye because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to hurt Kurt. Forget me, how could you do this to Kurt?"
"Nothing happened!" Rachel practically screamed, her eyes watering as she tread the thin line between keeping calm and completely unraveling. "You're the one who was caught cheating, not me!"
"Yeah, I got caught. But I wasn't the only one cheating, was I?" Finn moved closer to her now as she tried to keep calm, because they didn't go this long without getting found out only to fail now.
"I never cheated," she lied with a shaky breath. "And I didn't come over here to argue with you, I came over to break up calmly like adults."
"Why? Why should we break up? We're even now. We can work through this."
"Even if we were 'even'," she scoffed, using air quotes around the word, "it doesn't change the fact that we just don't work together anymore Finn. And in a few months, I'm heading to New York-"
"With Blaine," Finn interjected.
"And Kurt," she added. "We've just come to the end of us now." The room was silent for a minute, Rachel trying to catch her breath. "You'll always be my first love," she said after a couple minutes. "But first loves are supposed to end." He didn't say anything, and she leaned up to kiss his cheek before heading for the door, emotionally drained.
"Before you go find Blaine," Finn seethed, his voice taunting and almost cruel, "you may want to see if he told Kurt about your little whatever it was when they broke up this afternoon." Rachel paused and pushed back a fresh wave of tears before running down the stairs and into her car.
Rachel walked into her house fighting off the tears that threatened to fall, wondering how it had gotten this bad, how Kurt would react, how she couldn't lose Kurt-wouldn't lose Kurt-because of Blaine. She knew she shouldn't have done anything with Blaine, should have pushed him away, should have ignored her feelings, should have told him to stop.
She wouldn't let this affect her relationship with Kurt.
"Hi," a quiet voice startled her as she passed her living room to go towards the kitchen, her brain so set on wondering how to fix everything with Kurt that she didn't see him sitting on her couch.
"Kurt?" she asked hesitantly, her voice a few octaves higher than normal.
"I figured, after the day we've had-breaking up with our boyfriends-we could stand for some sort of night out," he suggested, and she merely nodded, following him out to his car.
"How did Finn take it?" Kurt asked as they turned into the mall, practically deserted for a Friday night.
"About as well as expected," Rachel shrugged, still feeling nervous even though Kurt seemed perfectly normal. "He didn't want to break up, but-it's supposed to be simple, right?"
Kurt let out a hollow laugh. "Things are rarely simple," he said, looking at her with a small smile. "Especially in our life."
She bit her lip and nodded. "Right, well, in the end I said that he was my first love, but when it came down to it, we want different things anyways. Even if it wasn't Santana now, it would be New York in a few months."
"This is true," Kurt agreed, parking the car at the entrance near Claire's, Rachel smiling to herself when she realized it.
"What about you and Blaine?" she asked after they wound their way inside, the mall strangely empty of people.
"Well, he seemed to think I was kidding at first," Kurt chuckled to himself, Rachel throwing a side glance his way, nervous to hear about this. "But in the end I think the point was made."
"What did you say to him?" She asked, unaware if she should ask the more pressing question of 'what did he say to you'.
"The 'we don't love each other like we used to' thing that you and I talked about in New York," he told her. "Blaine didn't say much, which I suppose made it better-easier. It wasn't full of drama and all that."
"And you're, you know, okay?" she asked, and Kurt nodded with a smile, slinging an arm around her shoulders.
"I am better than okay. I'm great. I have my best friend, an entire mall full of clothes, and my dad's credit card. I think we shop our feelings away," Kurt grinned, and Rachel laughed, the weight feeling like it was lifted off her shoulders as she leaned into Kurt, feeling okay for the first time since she saw Blaine the night before.
School was uncomfortable, to say the least, when they started back up on Monday. Finn wouldn't look at Rachel or Santana, Santana was on the opposite side of the room from Brittany, Blaine wasn't sure where to sit, and Rachel and Kurt sat in the front row, trying to ignore everyone else.
It seemed to go that way for the next couple weeks. Finn would avoid Rachel, Blaine would avoid Kurt, and Rachel and Kurt would generally just try to stay out of everyone's way. Rachel had a new calendar, and every day she was one step closer to being in New York-this time for good.
Towards the end of April, the senior Prom Queen campaigns started. "Surprised you're not running," Rachel joked as Kurt got his books from his locker after school.
Kurt laughed, which was her intention, and when his focus was back in his locker she gave a small wave to Blaine. They had sort of come to an unspoken agreement-there wasn't any hostility between them, but as long as Kurt was around, they couldn't be anything. She wondered if this was what it would be like, the three of them in New York, completely losing track of Blaine while her and Kurt attended schools merely blocks apart. "Besides," Kurt said, snapping her out of her thoughts. "I'm not going to prom."
"You're not?" Rachel asked, eyes wide. "But-but you were going to be my date," she whined.
"I have an interview with someone from Parsons, so I have to go down to Indianapolis to meet with them. It's about a really important scholarship, and besides-after last year's drama, I don't really want to go through it again." She nodded in understanding before pouting some more. "Rachel," Kurt said when he finally closed his locker. "Cheer up. I know you already have your dress, but this is more important than prom. It's-"
"New York," they said in unison, smiling at each other.
"I'll figure something out," she assured him, running through a list of potential candidates in her head, a part of her almost hoping Jesse St. James would come in and save the day once more.
"You look really pretty," Mike said with a small smile as they danced, and Rachel smiled back appreciatively. After clearing it with Tina that she had really gotten over Mike, that their split had been amicable and she was perfectly happy with Artie and of course Rachel should ask Mike to prom, she had done so. Rachel was sure that Mike was as surprised at himself for saying yes as he was that Rachel had asked in the first place.
"Thank you," she told him, "You look really handsome tonight." Mike flushed a little, spinning them around effortlessly. One of the perks of going with Mike was that he was a fantastic dancer, even beyond Rachel's talent. It was something she had always admitted about him, and over dinner he had told her all about how he started dancing as she listened, genuinely interested.
She tried not to focus on the rest of the room, on Finn dancing with Harmony-the Rachel doppelganger in personality and dreams if not physical looks, on Kurt's absence, on Blaine talking to Puck off by the punch. She had almost asked him to the prom, almost taken a very big chance that just maybe he'd say yes, that maybe they could start over, but even if Kurt wasn't there he would have found out.
So she had asked Mike, who was proving to be a very good date.
When the song was over, he stepped away, asking if she wanted a drink. She nodded, a quick "Thanks," falling from her lips before turning to look at the stage. They had hired a band this year, and a reasonably good one at that. She was glad she didn't have to spend the night performing, instead getting to enjoy her senior prom like she should have.
She walked through the dancing couples, trying to figure out what was taking Mike so long with her drink, when Blaine appeared in front of her. "Hi," she said, startled at his sudden appearance.
"Dance with me," he requested, his tone sure and confident like she hadn't heard in so long, too long.
"I-Blaine, I'm here with Mike, and I don't think that's a good idea anyways," she said, though her heart was practically begging her to shut up, to walk into his arms, to take any piece of him she could get.
His smirk was working too well on her, and she felt like her knees were going weak. "I know," he said. "But I also know that you'd rather be here with me." She opened her mouth to defend herself, but it was the truth, and the even bigger truth was that she could never hide it. Finn had known, Kurt probably knew, Blaine knew. Even Mike, standing behind them now with just one cup, raised it at her with a smile. "Dance with me," Blaine repeated, and Rachel sighed dramatically, trying not to show how excited she was to even talk to him, much less dance with him, feel him again.
"Fine," she said, and he pulled her close, regardless of the tempo of the song. "What are you doing?" she mumbled when his hands wrapped around her waist, her own arms winding their way around his neck automatically.
"Dancing with you," Blaine answered seriously. They were silent for a minute, the song changing once more, back to a romantic ballad, their pace finally making sense with everyone else. "Did you know that Kurt and Finn knew?" he asked after a few minutes, and Rachel was so shocked she didn't know how to respond. "I'm going to take that as a 'no'. Kurt accused me, when we broke up, of hooking up with you behind their backs. He used it as a reason for staying with me, weirdly enough, but I figured you must have known since you two have stayed so close."
"He never told me he knew," Rachel said quietly. "He never even mentioned it." Blaine nodded.
"Well, I think he thought it was just a physical thing between us-that we were just fucking behind their backs, not that we had legitimate feelings." Rachel took a deep breath, unsure if she wanted to keep rehashing everything in such a public domain.
"That is what happened," she said quietly, focusing on the black of his tux, the wall behind them, anything but his face as she tried to will herself not to cry.
"No," he finally said, a finger raising her chin to look up at him, a small smile playing at his lips. "That's never how it was."
"But-"
"No. You've had your say, quite loudly if I remember correctly," Blaine shushed, their dancing stopped but neither moving apart. Rachel was sure if she let go of him she would faint right in the middle of the prom. "You said that you were just any girl to me, but that was nowhere near true. You were the only girl Rach. The only one I wanted to be with. And Kurt-Kurt was my safety. You were strange, and different, and adventurous, and risky. I stayed with Kurt because it was easy, and simple." She took a deep breath, trying to remember to breath as he continued to talk. "But you're the one I've wanted all along. You're the only one I've wanted all along."
"Why didn't you say anything?" she finally allowed, trying to keep her composure, trying not to believe the things he was saying-because if she believed them, she'd be in even deeper than she thought was possible.
"I was scared," he shrugged.
"And now?"
"I'm not," he answered simply. She nodded, content with that for now, and lay her head on his shoulder as they resumed their dancing. She would deal with the rest in the following days, but for now, all she wanted was to let herself be wrapped up in his arms.