Watch your feels.

#sadstuckish #feelings #dad #poorjohnbeybeh #rain

disclaimer: I don't own any of the Homestuck characters, all due respect goes to Andrew Hussie. so does your soul

the Old times

I stared frozen still when I saw him. I could feel Roses' eyes staring at me as I stifled a gasp.

It was everywhere, the blood. The once pure white floors were now stained with the sickening red. I wanted to be sick. I'll never forget the feeling.

My heart was crushed at the sight. Rain splashing on my head as I quietly took in the scene.

The air had that tropical rain smell to it, the kind when there's a good thunderstorm approaching. I loved the smell, but the rustic scent that mixed with it began to disorientate me.

I blinked back my tears and stood tall, ready to fight.

It was a rainy day and the middle of November. The air had a crisp touch to it, but I couldn't care less. I was already so cold that I couldn't feel my fingers.

I ran inside my lonely house, shrugging off the wet coat and going into my room almost immediately. I collapsed onto the bed and laid there for hours, I couldn't tell if I was awake or not. It didn't really matter, if I was awake then I certainly wasn't bothered.

Instinctively my hand went to my phone and turned on one of my favorite songs, though it wasn't really a song. It was a quiet piano song that I didn't know the name of, with a gentle rainy storm in the background. The sound filled the entire room and shut my mind down.

It had been a whole year, a whole year of an empty family life. I missed him and it hurt so much. Sometimes I wished I could move on, just to escape the pain, but then I'd feel guilty. Still, the pain was crushing. It's like trying to breath with a car on top of you, worse though because you cry and it makes it harder to bear. Sometimes it overpowers you and you can't move, speak, or think. Other times it just hits you out of nowhere and then you want to be alone.

I don't now how people live with it for so long, I never will. The feeling will never pass, screw what they say. They don't know. They can't know, and it's better if they don't. It's not a thing you want to share with others, even if you want it to be gone.

They wouldn't like it. They, being them, the ones who caused all the pain. It's not their fault though, it's yours. You did it, you killed them. If it weren't for you they'd be here, by your side. You want to be greedy and have them back at any cost.

You'd give up your heart for them, and for the pain to go aswell.

Sometimes you wanna die. Just curl up and let yourself fade away. I tried it once. I just laid on my bed, listening to depressing music. They said I was dying when they found me, I was taken to the hospital. I begged for them to stop and let me die, they wouldn't, they don't understand! They think you'll be fine if you try, I tried, and it makes it worse.

They give you the pills, the papers, a pat on the back and a call to your friends to keep an eye on you. They expect you to move on... no...

You can't. End of story. Impossible. Fucking bullshit!

You keep a calm and happy expression infront of others. You do something really cool every once in a while, you know, to trick them. Then you mope. You just do it. It's a daily thing for you.

Of course, it's hard when it's the day they left. It's my first time experiencing it, and it's so hard... worse than usual.

You get up suddenly, not knowing why, and you run. You keep running till you break down in a faraway and quiet place. For me it's the meadow behind my home. So you sit or stand there, tears pouring as you stare into the sky. The rain hits close to your eyes or in them, but you ignore it. They are now mixed with your tears, gone forever. You then scream, just yelling your feelings out to them. Everything that's been bottled inside is thrown out. You scream and beg and sob.

Then it's silence and you ask why. You repeat it over and over. You demand an answer that you'll never hear. Unless you're lucky, if you are then you'll grow tired and fall over, sirens flash and scream at you but you smile blankly.

Then you expect to wake up and see them, to be with them forever, but you don't. You don't wake up either way, you are stuck in your head. It's dark and scary here, but not lonely. They visit often and tell you about their day and how they want to you wake up. You won't. You have to wait till they let you go, and it takes them two years to do it. You're sad yet happy when they say goodbye, and then you wait as the beeping slows. Things are darker now, but then they get bright.

You're now in the meadow, and it's still raining. You think that it was a dream, that you're back in that horrible, empty world. That is, until you see them. They stand a few feet away from you, a blank expression. It stops raining and turns into a drizzle. As they take a step toward you your heart shatters and you sway on your feet. They notice and run forward, bending down when you drop down. They say your name, several times, and you look up.

You smile and you whisper their name. They smile sadly and nod. You laugh as the tears stream down, body shaking and your breath struggling. You scream and distant thunder booms in protest. They just hug you and say it's alright. You cry and pound your hands against their chest, saying everything that you thought about them.

How you're sorry you did it, how you hate them for leaving you, how you love them and missed them. Everything.

They say it'll never be that way again, you're together now. You still fight them, trying to get out of the hug so you can be alone and cry. They don't let you to, and it makes you happy.

You wake up later in the meadow. You push yourself up onto your elbows and look around. The grass ruffles beside you look to see them lying beside you, having held you until you slept. You stare at the sky, watching as a bird flies lazily with the others. Grass dances beneath you and gets blown into the wind to drift. You let out a sigh and lie back down. The grass tickles your nose and sneeze which wakes them. They stare at you before you both laugh.

That's how you spend the rest of your days.

Together...

...

xoxo