Not enough.
A/N- just a trigger warning this story contains suicide, wrist cutting and mentions of eating problems. also i am on AO3, with the same stories :) anyway home you enjoy!
Phil's POV
I can just see the little light particles shinning through the tiny gap in the closed curtains. I wonder where Dan could be. When I awoke this morning the familiar heat that is usually next to me, was no longer there. Over the past few years, the shape of Dan's body, his scent, the feel of his hair, have become home to me. When we went on tour, I was constantly happy-at home-just because he was there, next to me, holding me, telling me he loved me. It has been about half an hour since I awoke, just thinking. Mainly about Dan. About how he has been acting recently. He has been acting up, not talking as much, distancing himself from me, not being his usual- mostly happy self. To be honest, I am starting to get extremely worried about him. I have tried asking him about it a few times, be he just brushes it off, saying he's fine, that I'm being paranoid, then the distance between us is pulled farther apart, like two people playing checkers, at the beginning of the game, we where where moving together, like the checkers, but then as the game goes on the pieces move to the other side of the board, distancing them-us- farther apart. I new we where far from the breaking point, it wasn't us I was worried about, it was him. I was worried about what he was doing to himself, no like cutting or starving himself or anything, but mentally. Not even Dan could understand Dan's brain, and It would get to much for him sometimes, he would constantly overthink stuff, delving in deeper than anyone should. I had helped him through his worst times, shortly I could help him get through anything he's going through now, couldn't I?
I only get up, when the sunlight moves so its shinning directly into my eyes, and when I realise that I haven't heard anything from outside the room since I awoke. This isn't unusual, as Dan is normally sitting on the couch, arms resting in the back cushions, browsing Tumblr or Twitter. I slowly pull the blue and green covers of of my body, and the cold English air hits my skin, causing me to shiver. I pickup a zip up jumper from its resting place on the back of a chair that is sitting on the end of the bed. In fact, its not even my jumper, its actually Dan's. it was disposed their last night as he was getting ready for bed. I press the material to my nose before slipping it over my bare chest. It smells like Dan, the strangely nice scent of Aloe-Vera and cologne, that only Dan could pull off. I quickly glance at myself in the mirror, not that I actually care about what I look like, but I check anyway. I am in the hoodie I just put on, a pair of trackies that I wore to bed, and my straight black hair falling slightly over my eyes. I open the bedroom door, and it creeks a little, alerting anyone in the house that a door is being opened. I wonder into the kitchen, and grab myself a mug, filling the kettle up wit water, before setting it down to boil. Then I place a tea-bag in the mug, and wonder into the living room, expecting to see Dan there, sitting on the couch, but instead I am greeted with an empty room. "Dan?" I call through the house.
No reply.
I try again
Still no reply.
I start to panic and call his name one last time, before leaping into the living room and searching for anything that may mark that he is still in the house. A key, a phone his laptop. Instead what I find is something I wasn't expecting. An envelope with my name on it, clearly in Dan's handwriting. I quickly open the envelope, eager to see if the paper has ant sort of answer to where he is, if he is even out. Yeah, he's probably in the bath, or on the toilet or something, and just didn't hear me. I open the envelope anyway, and am greeted by a folded piece of lined paper. I unfold it and see that the page is full of Dan's handwriting I get to reading, wanting-no needing to know what was on this page, my mind has already gone to the most reasonable explanation, he probably had a headache and took a walk, yeah, he was just letting me know, but why wouldn't he just send a text instead?
My eyes stars skimming the page, taking in every messy stroke and dot on the page.
Dear Phil,
My Phil.
I want you to know that I love you, I always have, and always will, no matter what happened, or happens. I will forever be yours, no one will replace you. I don't even know how I got so lucky. I was just a follower, just someone who liked your videos, and you. And you picked me, out of everyone who had contacted you, and commented in your videos, you picked me. And I am forever grateful. I also want you to know that you make me happy, even when I thought it was never possible to smile again, somehow you made me, not only smile, but laugh. But it jut wasn't enough. Out of everyone I know you are the only one who has truly accepted who I am, for every little thing, from the way I have breakdowns, to the way I lie on the floor and complain. No one I know have accepted me for those things. My own family doesn't even accept my sexuality. Your company was always enough for me to keep on going, to make me stay another day, but this time it wasn't, and I'm sorry about that. I went through my bad times, and the had the best years of my life, but every good thing has to end Phil, Philly, my lion. This time everything became to much. Those small things suddenly became bigger, they took over every waking minute of my life, constantly worrying, thinking. Those things kept on getting bigger and bigger. And all those all thoughts came back to me. I let down everyone Phil, I am not who everyone wants me to be. I let them all down, I flunked Uni, I basically live on the internet, have no social skills, and don't even have enough money to pay rent. Of cause I never tell you any of these things, because it will just let you down even more, let my friends and family down. I am so sorry Phil. I am so sorry that you weren't enough this time, sorry that I wont be here for your 31st birthday, sorry that I wont be here for our 7th anniversary, sorry that I wont be there for Phil is Not on Fire 9, sorry that I will never get to marry you, sorry that I will never see Dabs first day of high school, sorry that I will never get a dog with you, sorry I will never get to go on radio with you again, sorry that I can never be the person you expected me to be, even if you accepted me as I am, I still let you down, the list keeps going. On and on. I'm sorry I am doing what I am doing, but it got to much for me Phil, it was to hard. Lastly I want you to know that I don't fear death. i don't fear what comes after I, the only thing I fear is what will happen to you, Phil please understand me, I am not being selfish, I am doing what I need to do, it will make everyone's life's better, they wont have to deal with as much. But please look after yourself Philly. Please. No matter what happens promise me Lion. Look after yourself.
Goodbye Phil
-Your Bear
WHAT! I drop the paper, my hands are shaking violently, and bend down to pick the letter up, quickly re-reading it to make sure I read it right. 'Goodbye Phil' I already feel my face is soaked with tears and I can taste the salt. Dan was going to commit suicide. Maybe he already has. I feel my knees start to buckle, but I force them to stay mostly upright. I quickly run through the house, panicking. I have to find something. I have to. Something. Anything. Some sort of evidence to where he is, I open every room in the house, finding nothing, until there is only one room left-the bathroom. Run over to the bland white door, and pull on the handle, but it doesn't open. I try again, but I get the same result. Why is it locked. We never lock any doors unless one of us is in there.
Dan.
No.
I literally sprint over to the kitchen and ruffle through the key draw, barely able to see because of the amount of water that is leaking from my eyes. I finally find the right key, and once again, sprint to the bathroom door, it takes me a few seconds to actually get the key in the lock, and I had to use the left to stabilize my right hand, they where that shaky. Finally I manage to turn the key, and I almost fall through the door. What I am greeted with is not a pretty sight, in fact its not a sight at all.
What I see in front of me is the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life. I see a plain white bath, with my lover in it, fully clothed, the water is stained red, and there is a kitchen knife on the floor, dropped from his left hand. His body is pale, and he is staring up at the celling, eyes not moving, chest not rising and falling, body not twitching. My knees give way, and I collapse to the ground, gagging and sobbing at the same time. I can't bear to look at what is before me. All I can think about is him. Dan. Dan. Who has been taken from me by death. Dan who kissed me on the Manchester eye, Dan who spend hours cuddling with me and watching anime. Dan who promised to never leave me. I end up vomiting all over myself and the bathroom floor, but I don't care. The only thing I care about is now gone. The crying has now turned to sobs and screams, screaming at Dan for leaving me, screaming at myself for not stopping him, for not realising, screaming at the pain in my chest where Dan used to be. I don't know how long it is before I am moved of that floor, but I know its not me who moves my body, it is someone else. I don't even care anymore, I don't care if it is a robber, or a murderer, or the fucking queen, all I know is the one and only love of my life is dead, and it was all because I wasn't enough to keep him alive.
I wasn't enough.
A/N-
Tumblr- simon-the8thhorcrux
AO3- The8thHorcrux
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