Foaly Goes Shopping (set between The Eternity Code and the Opal Deception) hope you enjoy- actually written by my brother who has done a BRILLIANT job. NOT A FOALY/ROOT shipping it is purely for laughs.
Disclaimer
Root: Okay Foaly, it's your disclaimer. Anything that doesn't come out of your mouth will come out of your paycheck. Got it pony boy?
Foaly: Yes Julius.
Root: Well get on with it, and you call me commander or else…
Foaly: Okay then, commander. I do not own the book Artemis Fowl. Nor do I own you, nor me, nor any kleptomaniac dwarf (nor do I want to). I also don't own…
Root: COULD YOU START THE STORY OR WILL I HAVE TO FORCE IT OUT OF YOU WITH MY BUZZ BATON!
Foaly: Oh well.
It all started when Julius Root, commander of the Lower Elements Police decided he wanted to get Foaly, the mastermind LEP techie out of his big, ugly, purple face (I HEARD THAT FOALY!) so Root allowed Foaly to have a nice two week holiday in a five-star hotel in a five-star district in Atlantis.
Foaly woke up the next day feeling like he had just found out that he had the winning tickets for every lottery in Haven. He did what a centaur has to do every morning then decided to say a quick goodbye to his friend who was at the police plaza, Captain Holly Short.
He found Captain Short, who was just about to enter Root's office when she saw him.
"Good morning Foaly," she said, "Why are you so late?"
Holly looked up at him and saw the look in his eyes. Holly was a metre tall, even short in elf standards (by a centimetre). She was obviously about to be going on another LEPrecon mission as she was wearing her jumpsuit and most of her auburn crew-cut hair was covered by her helmet.
"You're on holiday, aren't you?" she groaned.
"Will you miss me speaking to you over the helmet intercom?" he asked sarcastically with a large smirk. Holly sighed looking wistful.
"Yeah, I suppose," she said, not really paying attention to what she was saying. Foaly glanced at her worriedly.
"Artemis Fowl?" he asked. Holly nodded miserably.
"I just don't know if it was the right thing to do, what if he has gone back to being a jerk? What if he discovers the fairies again and regains his lost memories? Or what, Frond help me, if I need his help?" She said. Foaly snorted.
"Yeah like that's going to happen. Anyway you'll have me on your side, what ever you do. Even if you murder someone!" he exclaimed, not realising the truth of what he was saying.
Holly rolled her eyes and was about to retort but their conversation was interrupted by a red faced elf with a cigar clenched between his teeth. "Horseboy, I suggest you get out of my sight within the next ten seconds as there is a pixie who really does like the idea of having your job."
"Julius, would you really want a pixie that wants world domination on your side?" Foaly replied. "Actually, why would she want to work with a beetroot?"
Root's face seemed to swell and turn purple like a beetroot. Foaly knew better than to be anywhere near Root when this happens. So with a quick goodbye, he turned and galloped for the exit.
Once Foaly was home again, he began to pack. He truly was excited. The hotel was next to the greatest electronics shop under the Earth, Lower Elements Electronix (LEE). He had been there once before, but that was with the LEPrecon on a mission to capture a troll who had suddenly turned up there. The only gizmos that hadn't been vaporized were as broken as something that had been stood on by a troll, which is precisely what happened to them.
Three days, five bruises and a visit from the medical warlocks later, Foaly was packed and ready to go (note to self: always have spare tin hats). He had decided to take his private shuttle since there was at least one kleptomaniac dwarf on every one of the public shuttles. And take my word, you do not want to be near one when the build up of gases inside their bodies becomes too much, because they let it out. Foaly was okay at driving shuttles as he had only crashed his five times.
Foaly survived the long trip to Atlantis (with a bit of luck) but he had a slight problem finding the hotel. Though it was hard for him to miss it. The chrome 18-storey building was covered with giant electronic billboards reading: 'Foaly, the hotel's here'.
He found a place to park the shuttle and he trotted inside the hotel. The entrance room was free of furniture and instead the walls were covered with plasma TV screens with the words: 'Hi Foaly'. It obviously made Foaly feel very important and free instead of being pushed around by a beetroot (PONYBOY, I'M STILL HERE YOU KNOW!)
A talkative sprite led Foaly to his hotel room.
"Oh frond!" he exclaimed when he saw him. "Can I have your autograph?'
"Um..."
"But you're the greatest technician under the Earth!"
"Yeah, well…"
"Please, pretty please, can I please have your autograph?"
Fortunately, Foaly didn't have to answer him because the sprite fainted at the door of Foaly's room.
The place was clean of furniture and other junk and instead it was covered with loads of different kinds of technical gizmos. Foaly was in heaven. It took him only two days to unpack his twelve items (8 of which were tin hats) and he spent the next day playing with every electronic item in his room. He then decided to go sleep. Tomorrow's a big day, Foaly thought blissfully.
Exactly twelve hours, 45 minutes, 18 seconds and 79 milliseconds later, Foaly was standing at the entrance of the LEE after breakfast at Spud's Atlantis franchise. The large building was made out of huge tinted laser-proof windows (they were added after the siege of the shop by a horde of angry goblins with softnose laser rifles) and a plasma screen hung above the door going on about the shop's latest sales.
He went inside and began to examine everything. Everything. The entrance door almost brought him to tears of joy. The way it slid so gracefully, so automatically. He was as excited as a pixie who had almost achieved world domination (I wonder who that would be?). And the only customers were dozens of centaurs; smart, intelligent, gifted and clever centaurs, just like Foaly (MORE LIKE PARANOID AND RATHER ANNOYING!)
Foaly examined every object until he had taken in every detail. He grabbed a hover-trolley (so advanced) and grabbed every item in stock. There were hundreds of products. Plasma screens, V-boards, Neutrino 3000s, triple barrelled-blasters, projectors and many other electronic gizmos that made Foaly want to sing.
Foaly trotted over to the counter where a centaur in a spotless uniform was waiting for him. The attendant started unloading the trolley and put the items on the counter where their price automatically came up on a computer. He looked at Foaly as if he was the first customer in ages.
"Ah, you seem like a computer genius," the centaur said with a warm smile. "Oh yes, my name's Bob by the way, just plain ol' Bob."
"Well 'plain ol' Bob', you seem to know your masterminds," Foaly answered.
"Hey! You're Foaly, the LEP technician!" Bob exclaimed. "How long have you worked at the Operations Booth?"
Foaly was too busy examining a large red button behind Bob to answer. It was the plainest thing in the store. No keyboard, no interactive parts, not even a screen! Foaly was curious about it. What was it for? In fact, Foaly was so curious that while Bob was busy putting the products Foaly had bought into electronically tagged shopping bags, Foaly leant forward and pressed the large red button.
Immediately, sirens wailed and a pre-recorded voice was directing customers to the emergency exits. Bob screamed and ran away with the other centaurs. What an interesting panic button, Foaly thought, it hasn't been upgraded yet. They still have last century's version. He was about to grab his bags and leave but then he heard a voice over a megaphone outside. Unmistakeably the LEPrecon. Unmistakeably Captain Holly Short.
Foaly realised that he had made a mistake. Especially when the LEPrecon burst through the entrance door led by (gulp) Commander Julius Root. Root looked around for a moment and then spotted Foaly. He began to turn a deep shade of purple.
"WHAT IN FROND'S KINGDOM ARE YOU DOING FOALY!" Root yelled. He stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and then continued. "I GAVE YOU A TWO WEEK VACATION AND YOU BLEW IT! THE SHORTEST AMOUNT OF TIME AND YET YOU FIND A WAY TO RUIN EVERYTHING! DO I HAVE TO KEEP YOU UNDER MY NOSE EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE? AND BELIEVE ME FOALY, THAT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME SO I GAVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROVE YOURSELF AND YOU BLEW IT! YOU ABSOLUTELY MUCKED IT UP!
By now, the LEPrecon team looked quite bewildered. Root was breathing heavily, his face now only a tomato-red shade. Foaly rolled his eyes at Root and sighed. No one dared to tell Root that the sirens were still going because he would then take all his anger out on that one unlucky person. Except Foaly.
"Julius, the sirens are still going, there's a button to stop that though," he explained with a cheeky grin on his face. That was Foaly's second mistake. Root's face turned into a beetroot again (FOALY!).
"GUESS WHAT PONYBOY!" Root shouted. "THAT BUTTON TO TURN OFF THE SIRENS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! AND IF YOU DON'T PRESS IT RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I'LL COME OVER AND PRESS IT WITH YOUR FACE! AND YOU CALL ME COMMANDER, OR ELSE!"
Foaly was lost for words. But not for actions. Foaly reached over to the panic button, in very slow-motion, with a sarcastic strained look on his face, until Root started yelling at him so Foaly instantly pressed the button and the sirens stopped.
It began to get quite messy when Trouble attempted to inform Root that the sirens had stopped, causing Root to take out his anger on him, this making Corporal Grub Kelp back up Trouble. This soon turned into an argument with a lot of nasty words that would have made a swear toad jealous.
Foaly soon was involved in the quarrel due to a witty comment. Let's just say that this was a horrible mistake and it lost him his holiday and three months worth of his paycheck.
The Moral of the Story
Root: I expect there is a pretty big lesson to be learnt, isn't there Foaly.
Foaly: Oh good! I've come up with a good moral Juli- uh, commander.
Root: Well get on with it. Your prize for a good moral is getting your paycheck back.
Foaly: Wow Ju- commander! That's a big prize!
Root: Yes ponyboy, and that's because I doubt you'll get that prize. Get on with it Foaly!
Foaly: Okay, the moral of the story is that the only thing you get out of teasing Root is a lot of fun!
Root: ARRGH!
Thanks for reading PLEASE PRESS THE PRETTY GREEN BUTTON BELOW TO MAKE ME HAPPY! NO FLAMES PLEASE!