Author's note: This came to me in a dream, just like all my good ideas.
Puberty hadn't been kind to Steve. Sure, he appreciated being that little bit taller than he had been the previous year and he was insanely proud of the single chest hair that had finally sprouted but there were parts of growing up that he didn't care for. His voice cracked embarrassingly often. It seemed to have a mind of its own. It would choose the most inopportune time to go from his normal childish tenor to a squeaky mouse whenever he answered a question in class or attempted to flirt with a pretty girl.
But the worst part of puberty by far was the acne. It had started with one little angry red dot his chin then it was joined by friends. Soon there were more zits in varying degrees of eruption all over his face. Some even grew on his neck, chest, and back.
A particularly painful face-demon had taken up residence at the corner on his left nostril. It was so red and swollen that he could see it out of the edge of his vision. If his glasses slipped a little the nose-piece would bump it causing his eyes to water.
His mom had lovingly bought him every acne soap and cream their local CVS offered, but to no avail. One had burned his skin making it red and peel like a nasty sunburn. One contained snail slime that was supposed to moisturize and cleanse but was so sticky that Steve had to wash his face three times before he got it all off.
His saving grace was a late-night infomercial starring a wondrous new solution that claimed to miraculously clear skin. The ad showed a parade of sad acne-covered faces, the "before pictures" next to beautiful, happy faces, the "after picture." Steve was skeptical at first, but desperate. All those clear faces, they wouldn't lie about that, would they?
"For the low low rate of $49.99, you too can be free of embarrassing acne forever!" A cheerful teenage celebrity promised. "I used to be afraid to leave my house so no one would see my hideous skin. Now thanks to "Clear," I have my life back."
Testimonial after testimonial showed similar stories. Steve was convinced. Unfortunately, his mom "wouldn't spend that kind of money on snake oil", so now he just had to find a way to make the money.
After weeks of picking up lost change and doing increasingly odd jobs at Roger's behest, Steve finally had enough money. $49.99 plus $12 shipping and handling was the exact amount required for the miracle cream that would save his love life. At the horribly awkward age of fourteen, he needed all the help he could get.
One cashier's check and two to four weeks later, Steve had the little silver and blue tube in his delicate hands. He followed the instructions as directed and, low and behold, it worked. After only three days, Steve's zits were clearing up. He was starting to feel like a human again instead of a pepperoni pizza.
The problem was that the girls at his school seemed even more repulsed by him than usual. He couldn't understand it. His acne was clearing up, girls should be lining up around the block to date him.
He was also plagued by the hint of a smell. It was somewhere between an overripe banana and sweaty gym bag. He had checked his breath, his deodorant, even his socks. He chalked it up to his imagination and carried on.
One morning he woke early and caught Roger peering into his medicine cabinet. He was squeezing little blobs of toothpaste onto his finger then slowly licking them off with a groan. No! Steve thought frantically. That's not toothpaste!
Steve ran to grab the half-empty tube out of the alien's hand.
"Roger!" Steve scolded angrily. "That's my special face cream. You can eat it!"
"Oh, can't I? Just watch me," The alien squirted out another blob and raised it to his mouth.
Steve dove and tackled Roger, knocking him to the ground. The precious tube tumbled slowly through the air and landed in the open toilet with a PLOP!
"If I can't have it, nobody can!" Roger shouted and reached up to flush the the toilet.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Steve's scream could be heard for miles.
Roger turned to Steve with an evil smile. "What are you so upset about? That stuff made you stink."
THE END