I wrote this for my brother's birthday as a novelty, parody piece which expresses our collective displeasure at how crap Mario is and how crap his life is, too.
Mario's sad eyes bore down into the sheer opaque darkness that stood before him; he was edge and not just the edge of the cliff.
A single tear rolled down his tired, aged face and he rubbed his sore backside. It was burnt and so was he (metaphorically). He recalled the way it had bounced across the lethal lava land after
a small blunder on his part and then everything had gone dark.
He leaned over as his feet hurt, hastily emptying the dense yellow material from inside of each shoe. His feet had been grated by the coarse sand which resided inside each foot-shaped vessel and it hurt. It really hurt. Mario's mind threw back to the time he had been captured
by the great whirlwind and chucked carelessly into sand which then enveloped him. He still felt the way his arm had strived for air, but alas, it had been pointless.
But then, everything was pointless it seemed to him.
Suddenly, Mario fell to the floor, just missing the edge of the cliff and throwing up a deep purpley-emerald vomit which quickly congealed on the floor; probably a side effect from the poison in the hazy maze. His head hurt too, but he wasn't sure if this was due to the poison or the countles times he'd involuntarily jumped against a wall and then not understood how he came to be jumping that way.
Swallowing back the remains of his vomit (which had unpleasantly amalgamated at the back of his throat), he choked out a sob as he, for not the first time, reflected on how truly pathetic he was. What was he, if not a glorified plumber, with excellent gymnastic abilities? Oh, and he had mad punching skillz too. They weren't much use anyway when it felt curiously as though he'd been dropped in a vat of oil recently. He thought back to all those pointless, monotonous deaths all because he slid and slid and could not stop; why did friction escape him so?
All of this for a princess, who didn't even try that hard to escape; all of this for some cake at the end and not even the suggestive kind, which actually meant sex. Was it worth it?
No. Nothing was worth this.
How was he supposed to beat that tough, spiky dinosaur with his rather odd, but no less impressive teleportation skills. Why, that laugh could strike fear into the most hardy folk. Mario simply couldn't do it anymore.
With a shakey step, Mario put one foot forward and leaped in the abyss.
Finally, the end was nigh.
And then there was nothing until...
"I'm a-back!" he exclaimed cheerily, while he died, but only inside.
Finally, he knew; IT NEVER ENDS.