a/n: inspired by both jason mraz's "if it kills me" as well as the wonderful so you think you can dance routine choreographed by travis wall and performed by jeanine and jason.
vi
If It Kills Me
"Evans, I need to see the patrol schedule," James said, leaning over the back of the overstuffed burgundy couch.
"Why?" she said, not looking up from her NEWT Potions notes.
"Thomas Goldstein can't remember when he was scheduled, and he asked me to find out for him," he replied, holding an arm out. Lily didn't answer. Instead, she pulled the wrinkled parchment from her bag and glanced at it.
"You patrol tomorrow from seven to nine, Thomas," she said loudly. Remus looked up from his textbook, raising his eyebrows at James. He just shrugged.
"Lily, darling," said a new voice. Lily, Remus, Sirius, and James all looked up to see Brady McLaggen crawling through the portrait hole. The former three were observing the newcomer, but James already knew who it was. He was more concerned with the fact that Lily smiled when she caught his eye. If Sirius had waited a second longer before punching him in the arm, James would have seen that the smile didn't reach those bright green eyes. But he didn't.
"Prongs, I'm going to nick some food from the kitchens. You in?" Sirius stood up, blocking James's view of the embracing couple. Tossing his own parchment onto the table in front of him, he silently stood up and left the Common Room with his best friend.
"And then Marlene threw the book across the room at me and stormed out," Sirius finished as he grabbed another piece of bread. "I swear, that girl is loony."
"I can't do this anymore," James said suddenly. "I just can't."
"Do what?" Sirius said, putting his bread down. James looked up at him, and Sirius knew what he meant. "Look, Prongs, it's tough. I don't know what it's like to be that obsessed with a girl, but I've spent the last seven years watching you tear yourself up over something that you really can't control."
"But I can control it!" James thundered, pounding his fist on the table. "Or at least I could have! All I had to do was not act like such an arrogant arse around her and I know she would have given me a chance!" With a loud sigh, James plopped his head into his open palms. "And now it's too late," he muttered. "She's happy with McLaggen."
"You don't know that," Sirius began, but James cut him off.
"Yes, Padfoot, I do. I watch her every time he comes in the room. I've never been able to make her smile like that."
"Then there's only one thing to do," Sirius said.
"And what is that?"
"Do you remember when you were both fourth years and she told you that she hated you more than she hated anyone in the world and that she would never, ever, go on a date with you?"
"Would you forget something like that?"
"Good point," muttered Sirius.
"Why are you bringing this up?" James asked sharply, staring at the table in front of him.
"Do you remember what you said to her right after that?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I've tried to block most of those memories out of my head."
"You said that you would find a way to her..." Sirius trailed off, waiting for James to take over.
"If it killed me," James whispered. Sirius wasn't entirely sure that James had said anything at all.
"And you still love her, right?" James continued to stare blankly ahead.
"Yes."
"More that Quidditch?" James smiled a little.
"Yes more than Quidditch you arse, and you're still the only one who knows that," he replied. Sirius smiled.
"Then keep trying, Prongs. You'll win out in the end. Brady McLaggen is a twit anyway, we both know that. And not just because he's dating Evans." James smiled wider this time, taking a swig of his Butterbeer.
"Bloody hell he's a prat! Pretends he can't flipping tie his tie, just to get a girl near him," James cried. Sirius snorted.
"Come on, Prongs. Let's get out of here before we start painting our toe nails."
"Agreed, Padfoot, agreed."
"Did you watch McLaggen during Quidditch tryouts?" James clutched the top of a chair in the Great Hall, trying not to collapse from laughter. "Did he honestly think I'd kick you off of the team and give him your spot?"
"I know," agreed Sirius, his bark-like laugh echoing through the room. Some of the students looked up, wondering what the two Marauders were planning now.
"Thick as a stone wall," said James, attempting to breath. "Not to mention the fact that he can't fly worth shit."
"Potter," snapped a voice from behind him. He still couldn't breath, but not it was for an entirely different reason. He turned slowly to see very red Lily Evans.
"Yes, Evans?" James attempted to keep his face as calm as possible, but he could practically feel Sirius laughing even harder.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't mock other students in the middle of the Great Hall. Especially the ones I happen to be dating."
"Maybe you shouldn't date guys who are so easy to make fun of." James swallowed, mentally slapping himself. He had just lit the firecracker, and he knew it. Hell, though, it had been awhile since he had gotten Lily Evans really riled up.
"You-arrogant-toe-rag!" She sputtered, her hands forming fists. "When will you get it through your impossibly large head that I am allowed to date whoever-I-damn-well-please and you should just keep your bloody nose out of my business?" By now, every head in the Great Hall had turned to watch the blowout.
"Don't swear in the Great Hall, Evans, it sets a bad example," James replied, smirking. "Wouldn't want to upset the little first years now would we?" He watched as her face phased from anger to downright rage.
"I'm warning you, James Potter," she said quietly, her face inches from his. He struggled to control himself. "If you don't butt the hell out of my life with the exception of your Head duties, I will make sure that you can't reproduce." She didn't move, and he sure as hell wasn't going to. He could feel her warm breath on his chin, and it gave him goose bumps.
"What was this about reproducing, Evans?" He muttered quietly.
"Ugh!" she yelled, turning away from him. Before he knew what he was doing, he grabbed her arm and pulled her face close to his again. Her eyes were on fire. His other hand flew to the back of her head and he pressed his lips on hers. His whole body was alive, his heart pumping like he was flying. The gasps that echoed through the Great Hall registered somewhere vaguely in the back of his mind. He was kissing Lily Evans and Lily Evans was kissing him back. For one moment, his life was as perfect as it could ever be. And then, as usual, everything fell apart again.
"You-arse!" Lily screamed, shoving herself away from him. Without bothering to listen to what insults she was planning on throwing at him, he released her arm and ran from the Great Hall. James ran all the way back down to the Quidditch pitch before he realized it had begun to rain. He grabbed his broom from the shed and kicked off the ground, not seeing the small shape of a redhead who had followed him out to the pitch.
"She followed you out, you know," Remus said later, as the four Marauders sat on their respective beds in their dormitory. Peter looked nervous, but Sirius was still laughing.
"Man, mate, I never knew you had that in you," he said. "You two were yelling, and then, BAM!" James slid his glassed down his nose, rubbing the corners of his eyes.
"I've blown it completely. It'll never be the same," he groaned.
"She wanted to talk to you," Remus tried again, but James didn't really believe him.
"I don't need to hear her call me an arrogant toe-rag again," he muttered.
"I don't know, Prongs, but to me it looked like she was kissing you back," Sirius grinned. James felt his cheeks grow a little warm.
"She was just shocked, that's all," James said, standing up. "I'm going for a walk."
"James, it's three in the morning," Remus said. James shot him a look, and he didn't say anything again.
"Take the cloak," Peter piped in. James slid out the door and down the stairs. He was doing just fine until he stubbed his toe on the corner of the fireplace.
"Bloody hell," he muttered. "Damn fireplace."
"I know you're there, Potter," Lily said from the couch. James froze, hoping she would decide she had just hallucinated. "And if you ever kiss me in front of the entire Great Hall again," she continued, "I might-"
"I get it, Evans," he snapped, pulling the cloak off. "I'm sorry I kissed you. I don't know what made me do it, but it was mistake. Pretend it never happened, I'll apologize to McLaggen, and we can go back to being the Head Boy and Head Girl who act civilly toward each other when necessary." Lily looked taken aback.
"That's not what I was going to say," she began again.
"Save it," said James, disappearing under his cloak again. "I know you think I'm an arrogant toe rag, that you'd rather date the Giant Squid than me, and that I'm an arse. I don't need you to tell me again." He made it to the portrait hole when he heard someone on the stairs.
"Prongs, mate," Sirius called, Lily still sitting on the couch. "Remember, if it kills you…"
"I'm going to kill you, Padfoot, if you eavesdrop again," James called back. But as he wandered through the castle, he couldn't help but feel a little less angry.
"One more thing, guys," Marlene McKinnon said as she stood up from the table where the Marauders, sans Peter, were pretending to study. "Lily broke up with Brady today, so don't mention him when she comes back from the library." James's head shot up, and he ignored the mocking look Sirius gave him.
"Why?" he asked a little too quickly. Marlene raised an eyebrow at him.
"She won't tell anyone. Not even me, although I can pretty much guess," she said. "But she dumped him. Ask her about it and she'll hex you. She's been really touchy ever since you kissed her, Potter. Hell, I thought she was going to hex me," she smiled. "By the way, Black, are we still on for a snog later?" Sirius grinned.
"If you insist, dear," he batted his eyelashes. She rolled her eyes and sauntered away, Sirius staring as she went. "Bloody hell," he muttered. James paid him no attention, his mind racing at three thousand meters a minute.
"Don't do it," Remus said warningly when Lily crawled through the portrait hole ten minutes later. "Don't ask her out, Prongs." But James had already left his seat.
"Hey Evans," he said quickly. Considering this was the first time they had spoken publicly since the incident, most of the Gryffindors were paying attention.
"What do you want, Potter?" she asked. He noticed that her buttons were off and that she had puffy bags under her eyes. Apparently she hadn't been doing a lot of sleeping. He began to ask her out, but the words caught in his throat. That had never worked before; why would it work now?
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he said slowly. Lily looked up at him, her green eyes large. "You look tired."
"Lots of exams," she replied. James nodded, trying to think of something else to say.
"What would you say to a game of Exploding Snap with the Marauders? It's much more exciting that Transfiguration," he offered. Lily's forehead furled as Marlene appeared from nowhere.
"Here that, Lily? Exploding Snap with the Marauders. Sounds like a blast," she said as she wrapped an arm around her comatose friend.
"I guess I could take a twenty-minute study break," she said quietly. James had to concentrate to keep from jumping in the air.
The twenty-minute study break turned into an hour and a half of constant laughter from the table in the back corner. Almost all of the other students had gone up to bed, and even Remus had retired to the dorm. When Sirius and Marlene disappeared to find an empty classroom, James and Lily were the only two left in the Common Room. Since Exploding Snap wasn't playable with just two people, they stole Remus's Wizard Chess set and began an epic round of games. Lily beat James every time; this was less because James was terrible at Chess and more because he loved seeing her smile as she took out his King yet again.
"Yes!" she squealed, jumping up. "I beat you again!" James relaxed back into his chair, grinning. There was nothing on Earth better than Lily Evans winning a game of Wizard Chess. "That means that I win the bet," she continued. James looked up in alarm.
"What bet?"
"The one we made at the beginning of the game, remember? You have to do whatever I say," she grinned. James raised his eyebrows, fearing the worst.
"Now, you have to promise to keep your end of the deal, regardless of what I ask, okay?" And suddenly her face was inches away from his again. James had to time his breathing to keep from hyperventilating
"Whatever you say, Lily," he replied. A moment of silence passed.
"Kiss me."
"What?" James had to resist the urge to check his ears for earwax.
"Kiss me, James," she said. "Like you did in the Great Hall." James still sat there, his mouth hanging open. "I need to know that I made the right decision." And suddenly everything grew a little clearer. She had broken up with McLaggen because she loved James, even if she didn't know it yet.
And so he kissed her as passionately as he could.
Time passed; perhaps it was a second, maybe it was a whole day, neither of them were quite sure. But when they finally broke apart, Lily looked terribly alarmed.
"You're James Potter," she said quietly.
"You just noticed?" James joked, still smiling. Her eyes were wide with fear.
"I just asked James Potter to kiss me," she whispered. "Oh Merlin." And with that, she took off up the stairs to her dormitory. James didn't know what to think.
"Told you," said Marlene. "You owe me a Galleon." James practically jumped out of his skin. Sirius and Marlene were standing at the portrait hole, both grinning wide.
"How long have you been there?" He sputtered, his cheeks growing warm.
"She'll come around," said Marlene, walking over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "I know she will. She already is." Sirius had followed Marlene, and he pulled his friend from the chair.
"If it kills you, mate, remember," he said. Marlene looked at him, but he shook his head.
"No, I remember that," she insisted. "Fourth year, James, you said that you'd find a way to her if it killed you." James felt his face grow even warmer. Marlene's eyes lit up.
"That's adorable, James Potter," she said. "Take a note from this guy, Black." And with one last wink at Sirius, she followed Lily's path up the stairway.
"This might actually kill me," James groaned as he and Sirius made their way up to their dormitory.
"POTTER!" Lily roared as she ran down the corridor, her red hair flying behind her. James had been animatedly reenacting a move from the previous day's Quidditch match, but turned around when he heard her shout.
"Why on Earth did you just miss the Heads meeting with Dumbledore last night?" She said, fuming. James felt his stomach drop. Last night was a full moon.
"I'm sorry, Lily, I completely forgot," he said quickly. "I was in the library studying with these guys and-"
"Studying, Potter? Were you actually studying? Because I checked there, and none of you stupid Marauders were to be found," she hissed. James looked at Sirius, who shrugged and looked at Remus, who looked pained for a moment, but then nodded. James raised his eyebrows, but Remus just nodded again.
"Come with me, Evans," he said, grabbing her arm. "I'll explain when we're somewhere private."
"No way, Potter, I am not going anywhere private with you," she said, attempting to pry his fingers off of her arm. It was no good, though, and soon the two of them were sitting in an empty classroom.
"Potter, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" She said, folding her arms tightly across her chest.
"Remus is a werewolf," he said. He waited for the explosion, but nothing happened.
"And that explains where you were last night how?" He gaped at her. "Oh, close your mouth," she said impatiently. "I've known for awhile, I'm not thick. I don't care. I do, however, care where you were last night."
"Well, when Sirius, Peter, and I found out about Moony, we wanted to help," James started slowly. "So in our third year, we-"
"Please don't tell me you run around with a werewolf once a month," she warned. James gulped.
"Sorry."
"Do you know how stupid that is?" She shrieked, throwing her arms in the air. "Not only could you get yourself bitten, but you could get yourself killed! Are you that arrogant, Potter, to think that a bloody werewolf can't hurt you?"
"Shut it, Lily, or someone will overhear you!" James said, clamping a hand over her mouth. She glared at him, crossing her arms again. "I'm not that thick, Lily. I don't go running around with a werewolf every month. At least not without protection," he said. She raised an eyebrow. He released his hand from her face gently.
"And what kind of protection could possibly be enough?" She asked, still glaring. Without a word, James pulled his wand from his pocket and pointed it toward himself. Ten seconds later, a full grown stag was standing in his place. Ten seconds after that, James Potter reappeared.
"Bloody hell," Lily whispered. "You're not registered either, are you?" James shook his head. Before she had time to respond, someone rapped loudly on the door.
"Come on, Prongs, we've got Transfiguration in two minutes, and McGonagall will kill us if we're late again," Sirius called from the other side of the door.
"The nicknames!' Lily said.
"Yeah," James replied, grabbing his book bag. "Prongs for me, Padfoot because he's a dog, Wormtail because he's a rat, and Moony because, well, he's a werewolf. You can't say a word," He finished.
"Was it hard?" James looked at her. "Becoming an Animagus," she explained.
"More work than anything. It really helps Moony, though, so I'm not going to complain." He opened the door and joined his friends, but not before he heard Lily say one small thing.
"Perhaps you aren't so bad after all, James."
"She really is going to kill me, I think," he muttered to Sirius.
"And then add the lacewing flies," Remus said as he leaned over Sirius's shoulder, reading his essay. "Really, Padfoot, do you ever pay attention in class?"
"Not if I can help it," he muttered, scratching a line of ink through the sentence. "Merlin, I'm never going to finish this essay."
"At least that's the last thing you've got," said James, briefly looking up from his textbook. "After this I've got to fill out a stack of bloody Prefect point forms," he complained. "That should take most of the night."
"What do you add after the lacewing flies?" asked Peter, furiously writing his own essay. Remus sighed.
"Can I talk to you for a moment, James?" His eyes shot up, meeting her green ones.
"Of course," he said, practically jumping from his chair. She took his arm and led him out of the library, stopping in a deserted corridor.
"Look, James," she started. "I'm sorry for making you tell me the biggest Marauder secret."
"It's okay," he said quickly. "You probably wouldn't have accepted any less of an excuse for my missing the meeting." She smiled a little, but he could tell she was nervous. What was going on?"
"You're right. But I didn't pull you out here to tell you that," she said, gazing up at him. Her eyes were on fire again. "I've been watching you, James Potter, and you've changed."
"Not really," he said. "I'm the same as I've always been."
"Yes, you are, but it's different. You've become more… refined. And I never realized how loyal you were," she blushed. "And I just… well, I wanted to tell you…" she trailed off, looking at the floor. Was he actually making her nervous?
"What is it, Lily?"
"Have I killed you yet?' James's heart skipped a beat.
"What are you talking about?"
"In our fourth year, you said that you would find a way to me if it killed you, and I just wanted to know, have I killed you yet?"
"Well, I'm still standing here, right?"
"Good," she said. And then she kissed him as hard as she could. He felt like he was flying again.
"Wait a minute," he said, pulling away. "Say it."
"Say what?" Lily attempted an ignorant look, but her knowing eyes gave her away.
"Oh fine," she muttered. "James Potter, kiss me again." And he did.
An hour later, they made their way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Sirius, Marlene, and Remus were all chatting on the couch.
"That's another Galleon, Black," Marlene smiled as she saw the James help Lily through the portrait hole. Sirius groaned and began to dig through his pockets.
"Have you asked her to hold your heart in her hand yet?" Sirius called across the room to the blushing couple. Lily blushed, but James let out a joyful laugh.
"She's had it for ages," he said. "But now, she's given me hers as well."
"James Potter, if you are ever that sappy again, I may actually kill you," Lily said, smacking him on the arm. He just grinned. He had finally succeeded.
a/n part two: i know that the scene between james and sirius at the beginning is a little sappy, but here's why: sirius is really great at giving harry advice. i figured that was a skill he's had all along. if you've taken the time to finish this story, please review!