We own no one but our own people
A/N So thanks to all of the 'Her Negotiation' post fics, many including Elliot coming out of the blue to save Olivia, me and Liv Cassidy (FrannieMaeRocks on twitter) decided to make our own Post Her Negotiation fic to include Elliot swooping down, literally, and saving her. So please read, review, laugh, and enjoy. But mostly laugh and enjoy :-)
Elliot Stabler lay awake, sexily, in his bed as he had for the last 72 hours, 53 minutes and 29 seconds. He thought about his past and the uncomfortable bed sores that were firming on his hard as steel ass but mostly about the past. He sighed heavily like a teenage girl who was looking at a shirtless Daniel Radcliffe picture. He sighed again, sexily as always, this time expunging so much air he had to gasp for more.
After his minor moment of absolute terror, he turned on his side and he gazed at the picture on his bedside desk. In front of all the pictures of his children, his wife, he sexily gave a disgusting revolting shuddering nauseating shudder at the thought of her, his Great-Aunt Milly, the autographed Edward Pattinson photo, was a picture of HER. Then, in front of the picture that held the three letters, there was a photo of Olivia Benson.
Kathy, or as he called her "Crashy" because of how she'd crashed his hopes and dreams by getting knocked up in high school, hated that photo; although Elliot could never understand why. It was only a picture of him and Olivia naked, embraced in one another arms kissing and making love in the ocean while Justin Bieber's 'Baby' blasted over the portable speakers and 'Screw You Kathy!' was written out in the sand beside them. She was simply jealous of Olivia's amazingly super mega foxy awesome hot looks.
Elliot again sexily reached out and took the photo from the stand and looked at it with longing and desire and with so much intensiveness, he frightened himself and he threw the picture across the room shattering the frame and screaming in terror at what he saw in the reflection.
Luckily he kept a copy of the same photo inside his desk drawer, one that did not reflect his sexy oceany blue orbs.
As Elliot stared at it, reminding himself every so often to blink, he thought about what his life had been like since he left her and didn't return her calls, her emails, her texts, her sky writing, her Facebook messages, her Twitter direct messages, her MySpace friend requests, her AOL IM's, her Blackberry Mobile Messages, or her requests to play Scramble with her. His alter ego "Mrs. Pittman" was his best kept secret. Who would expect that he would be using a woman's screen name?
A wise man once told him to never tell girls you like them; it makes you look like an idiot. And since all he wanted to do with Olivia was take her in his arms and kiss and caress her and tell her how much he loved and worshiped her, he couldn't because then he'd look like an idiot.
So he remained silent until he was able to think of something other than 'Olivia I love you and I wanna marry you and have sexy times and have your coffee eyed colored babies!' and it was literal hell for him every night. Literally. He watched Gigli, Jack and Jill, and Dare Devil on a nightly basis until his sexy sapphire envying eyes had tears and blood of sexy emo-ish anguish gushing out of them.
Tonight was no different. After the final credit had rolled and Elliot's retinas were too dried out not to look at the photo any longer because he forgot to blink for too long, Elliot turned off the TV and settled down into bed.
He had just sexily closed his retinas of azul beauty when a loud ringing went off in his head.
Elliot's eyes flew sexily open, and he knew there were only two things in the world that made that loud a ringing in his ears; High Blood Pressure and his Super Save Olivia Spidey Sense!
His Super Save Olivia Spidey sense hadn't gone off in nearly two years! Olivia needed him! Him and his ass of steel and his eyes of blue glowing perfection! No one else could save her! Only he could! He was so excited he tweeted that he was off to save her in caps lock letters with ten explanation points and a '8-0' emoticon to prove how scared he was for her and only had time to retweet three 'Surprised Patrick' pictures!
Elliot tried to jump out of bed, sexily, but suddenly a hand clutched his bulging muscular arm. Elliot snapped his head back, whimpered in pain from the whiplash, and glared down at the one restraining him.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!" Kathy, unable to talk in a low volume of voice screamed in the most unsexily way Elliot had ever seen.
"My Super Save Olivia Spidey Senses are tingling. I need to go save my Livvy Love!" He explained hastily, but sexily in a sort of anxious but not too anxious way to stop sounding sexy way. "Even if she is Team Jacob!"
"BUT YOU'RE MY HUSBAND!" screeched Kathy who was just wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and plannin' and dreamin' his kisses will start along with Olivia not surviving this encounter so that her husband's Super Save Olivia Spidey Sense's would go away forever.
"I'm sorry but I must go save her! I'm her only hope!" cried Elliot sexily as he jumped from the bed, crashed into the night stand and stood quickly back up again, putting husbands on his hips and looking off sexily into the night.
"YOU'RE NOT SAVING THAT BITCH!"
Oh hell to the motha' freakin' no! Elliot turned and grabbed Kathy's leg and began slamming her down on the ground, whipping her back and forth on the floor. "YOU!" smash "DO!" smash" "NOT!" smash "CALL!" smash "HER!" sexy smash "THAT!"
Elliot smashed her down one more time, leaving her gasping for breath as he walked away.
"Puny Blonde."
Elliot reached the window and stared off into the night sky but since it was New York City it wasn't really night-ish per say.
"Faster than a speeding bullet unless it's shot at me or shot in a room where it could ricochet and hit me!" he muttered sexily as his hands went to his shirt. "More Powerful than a moving locomotive unless I hit my head on a smaller version." He began to rip his shirt, revealing the ultra-mad super sexy shirt below. "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound unless someone pushes me off them!" His shirt ripped even more. "Able to tell when Olivia Benson is in trouble unless it happens at a jail, a bus terminal or an airport terminal! I am...!"
He paused his sexy words for dramatic effect as the shirt finally ripped off revealing a tight dark blue sexy Superhero outfit underneath. "STD Man!" ('Stabler Totally Destroys Man' couldn't fit on the costume, leave him alone!)
Elliot pressed play on his iPod and a choir of Angels began singing praises of him to the heavens.
Making sure his hair plugs were firmly attached, Elliot sexily opened the window and went up, up, down, up, down, down, slightly up, way down, left, left, right, down, up and away!
Elliot sexily flew to his loves apartment in the amount of time it takes for you to realize the Lego you stepped on is still firmly implanted in your foot when you step down again, his sexy X-Ray blueberry colored eyes seeing through her building to know just how evil the dude who was with her really was.
"Gazooks!" he sexily cried as crashed through her building and came to a stop outside her door.
"I, STD Man (stop snickering, it wouldn't fit on the shirt!) need backup!"
Elliot hastily but still sexily pulled out his phone and dialed Brian Cassidy's number, awaiting anxiously for him to pick up
SCENE CHANGE! THIS IS A SCENE CHANGE! DON'T FORGET IT'S A SCENE CHANGE!
Brian Cassidy unsexily smirked at the thirty-four hookers he had in his bed, all of them loaded and infested with diseases and nastiness and ickyness and all sorts of horrid disgusting things.
"Oh, Cassidy," hooker number 19 moaned as caressed his totally UNSEXY body. "I just love how you're able to sleep with all of us and then some at the same time Easter Sunday in the Toys R Us parking lot on Christian Orphans visitation day!"
"So hot," Hooker number 27 purred in hookerish agreement.
Cassidy merely unsexily smirked. "No, hooker number 19 and 27. Thank YOU."
Just as Cassidy was about to unsexily screw 102 holes, bonus points on who does the math, his phone rang.
"DAMMIT!" Cassidy screamed frightening Hooker number 31 and 12 in the process. Cassidy answered the phone, letting out an unsexy sigh. "What do you want, Stabler?" he sneered in a very unsexily way.
"That's STD Man (I can hear you laughing, knock it off!) to you, Buddy!" Elliot snarled like a rabid dog about to be shot by his twelve year old master because his mom was too much a cowardly bitch to save her son the agony of having to kill his pet. But still sexily. "And I need help! My Super Save Olivia Spidey Senses were tingling and she's in trouble! I need you here. Now. Like Now Now. I just looked beside me and you aren't here, what's the deal?"
Cassidy sighed angrily as he pushed Hooker 3 and 16 off of him so he could sit up. "Look, STD Man, (I give up! Laugh all you want, Jerks!) I don't like Liv all that much. I like my hookers. I could care less if she gets murdered or raped or abused or tortured or burned or branded or anything else that might happen to Olivia that a large majority of people won't know until September. Now let me get back to my Hookers."
"But I thought you loved her!" gasped Elliot.
"No! I mean come on, I wouldn't go to an Art Show with her. That proves I don't love her seeing as how every single man in the universe would gladly go to an Art Show with their girlfriend. Nope. That right there proves I don't give two shits about her and only want her for sexy-times. She's a beast in bed, don't ya know? See ya. Off to be with my Hookers. Who I screw. On a very daily basis."
With that Cassidy hung up the phone and turned back to his hookers.
SCENE CHANGE AGAIN! DON'T FORGET ABOUT THIS OTHER SCENE CHANGE!
Elliot slammed the phone down on the ground, stomped on it, body slammed it, and lit it on fire with a flame thrower, all very sexily I may add, before he picked it up, took such a deep breath he felt one of his lungs burst, before he called Amaro.
ONCE AGAIN SCENE CHANGE! I KNOW YOU KNOW BUT STILL IT'S A SCENE CHANGE!
Nick Amaro, who knew that all was completely right in the world with no issues, no shits to give, knowing absolutely everyone and everything in the world was okay, slept soundly like a baby whose mother had given her half a bottle of Benidryl.
A phone call woke him up from his complete and utter and fantastical peaceful bliss and he answered it, smiling, "Amaro. How can I help you on this fine amazing perfect night."
"A-man-ro, it's me!" Elliot cried, "Elliot Stabler AKA STD Man, the bigger, better, most perfect partner anyone in the world could ever have!"
Amaro gasped in delight as he flew up in bed. Not really flew but moved quickly as only STD Man could actual fly and since Amaro is an unsexy loser he doesn't get to.
"My Grace!" Amaro squealed like a ten-year-old girl getting her first bra. "How can I serve you on this most fantastical amazing perfect night in which no one is hurt?"
"Olivia's hurt!"
"Drat! I thought for sure my Super Save Olivia Spidey Senses were finally working!"
Elliot glared at the phone with so much anger and ferocity that it frightened him once more and he threw it against the wall with a scream of fright. After remembering that his therapist told him reflections can't hurt you, Elliot picked up the phone again, remembering to glare at the wall so the scariness wouldn't reflect back. He put the phone back to his ear and growled like a wolf. Or a big cat. Or a large mouse. "You don't have Super Save Olivia Spidey Senses, liar! You don't care about her! You're at home sleeping when everyone who's ever read Teen People knows you stay awake every minute of every hour thinking about your crush! Why aren't you awake thinking about her, Alejandro!
"
"I'm sorry!" Amaro cried like a little bitch. "Please forgive me, STD Man! I am not worthy of my post! I'll be right over to help her!"
"No Alexio! Because you lied to me and lying's mean and mean people don't get to be Superheroes so there!"
With a sexy nod of acceptance, Elliot hung the phone up and put it back in his pocket. Just as he was about to go breaking doors down and rescuing Olivia, there was a deep throated bark before... Dun dun DUN!
The Diva, better known as Frannie Mae! She came running up Olivia's stairs and sat in front of Elliot.
Elliot, who could talk to the animals while in STD Man mode said hello in a sexy way to Frannie. "Hi there," the dog spoke excitedly. "I'm Frannie. I like Frisbees. Frisbees are fun. I have one. It's green! I like when the other blonde who isn't important enough to appear in this story throws for me I love my blonde because she's nice she takes me for rides in the park I also- SQUIRREL! … I also have a super power to sense bad men!"
Frannie sat on the carpet, peering up happily at Elliot who gazed down sexily at her. "I may have use for you, Frannie," he mused, rubbing his five a clock shadow in such a sexy intense intelligent way it made Frannie swoon. Or she just had gas. Elliot wasn't really a dog lover so he didn't know for sure but he bet it was swooning. "We're gonna kick the door down and go running in there without a plan, can you handle that?"
Frannie nodded and Elliot beamed like a weird homicidal British Clown who lives in the sewers. He turned towards the door dramaticly and sexily got into his crouching tiger hidden dragon sleeping Chinchilla walking Cairn Terrier warrior stance. "You ready, Frannie?" he asked, bobbing like a World of Warcraft Character would do when left alone for too long.
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" she panted.
"THEN LET'S KICK SOME ASS!"
Elliot let out a battle cry that could be heard throughout the entire state of New York with the minstrels from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for musical encouragement. Still letting out his battle cry Elliot ran at the door, using every single ounce of strength that he possessed, slamming into his wooden foe with the greatest might mankind had ever seen!
He bounced off the door and sobbed for thirty minutes as he held his bruised soldier.
But afterward when the crying was done and the One Direction band-aids had been applied Elliot turned the doorknob and opened it with a ferocity that will be remembered throughout the ages!
He heard screaming coming from his Livvy Love's room and his Super Save Olivia Spidey Sense's room were on high alert once more.
Sexily walking around every obstacle in her living room such as the couch and the lamp and the coffee table, although the latter did give him a little trouble, with an ease that Gods would be jealous of, humming the Secret Agent theme song to himself with Frannie at his heel, taking the occasional break to lick herself, Elliot reached the bedroom and flattened himself against the closed door, panting rather seductively. Damn, he was so hot.
Elliot gazed down at Frannie and nodded curtly before they both spun around so they were facing the door.
"On three!" Elliot staged whispered, "we break the door down."
"Wait," Frannie protested, "do you mean on three or after three?"
"On three."
"So after two?
"No, we're going on three."
"It's the same thing."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is, STD Man!"
"No it's not, Frannie the sidekick!"
"Will you just go on three to come in and rescue me!" Olivia barked from inside her room.
Elliot cleared his throat and bowed his head in shame. Sexily, of course. "Sorry," he muttered through the door. After a long moment of self-awareness and repentance Elliot and Frannie boldly faced the door again. "Alright. On Three. One... Two... Three!"
Elliot grasped the door knob and swung the door open and raced in like an adjective that's really sexy with Frannie leaping in afterward.
Lewis, who was on top of Olivia, and half of a milometer away from raping her. "How's that for great timing?" he thought to himself with a smirk as he got in his sexy intimidating pose.
William Lewis AKA The Beast AKA The Third Richard White AKA The Second Lowell Harris AKA the most hated villain in the entire SVU fandom jumped of the bed, grabbed Olivia and held him in front of him as a hostage.
"Elliot!" Olivia cried joyfully, beaming with the biggest beaming beam she had ever worn in her life, her chocolaty coco puff colored eyes shining brightly even though she was being held hostage and was THIS close to being raped. "My darling, you came! I knew your Super Save Olivia Spidey Senses would be tingling!"
"It did, Olivia," Elliot affirmed. "I'm sorry for not talking to you for two years and for not accepting your Scramble request."
"The fact you hurt me more than any man alive has ever hurt me doesn't matter now, you're here! With me! In this room! About to save me! I love you with all my heart, Elliot!"
Elliot flashed an uber sexy smile which is two steps above mega sexy and three steps below ultra-super uber mega sexy smile. "I promised you I'd never leave your side, Olivia Jayne-Magdalena-Hargitay-Mariska-Hermann-Mansfield Benson!"
Olivia blinked in confusion. "But you did leave."
"You forgot to renew your subscription."
Olivia hit herself in the head. "Oh, my God, how could I have been so stupid! You mean those little paper things inside the magazine-! Oh I knew I shouldn't have thrown them out!"
Elliot nodded. Sexily (duh). "It's okay because I am here now, my Livvy Love and I shall save you from this Beast!"
"Yeah, I don't think so," the Beast growled in an intimidating horrifying frightening way as he took the gun from Olivia's head and pointed it at Elliot.
"Guns!" Elliot gasped, taking one step boldly back. "My one weakness alone with Gilato and hair plugs!"
"Don't worry, STD Man!" Frannie shouted triumphantly as she stepped in front of Elliot. "I'll save you!"
Frannie snarled and growled at the beast, her white teeth shining like Colgate tooth paste that she bared at him. Without another moment Frannie leapt with a deep throated bark and landed beside the villain and licked his hand, resting her head up against his thigh.
"What the hell!" Elliot shouted. "You said you had a second sense for people who are bad!"
"The Blonde said it not me," Frannie corrected. "He seems perfectly okay in my opinion."
The Beast chuckled as he repositioned the gun at Elliot's head. "What are you gonna do now, STD Man?"
Elliot shrugged. "I mean usually nothing until someone else comes in and saves her. I mean truth be told I never really saved her personally, that usually falls to Fin or Dean Porter or herself or she was never in any real danger but damn it I'm her savior and you're gonna let her go because I'm gonna give you an intimidating glare!"'
Elliot threw the most intimidating gaze she could muster, avoiding all mirrors and shiny objects that could reflect his look of pure and utter intimidation.
The Beast blinked before he looked down at Olivia. "Is this seriously all this guy has?"
"Pretty much. And he looks great in a pair of jeans," she sighed dreamily.
The Beast considered her words for a moment before he nodded. "Alright then."
He pulled the charger back on the gun, stunning Olivia, Elliot, Frannie, who was still loyally by the Beast's Side, and the pigeons perching on top of the window sill.
"Wait wait wait wait," Elliot protested sexily with just a wee bit of fright. "That's not how this is supposed to go! I'm supposed to overpower you and save her and lock you up for life then heal her sexual assault fears with sexy times!"
"Dude... My nickname is The Beast. You really think I have to play by previously established rules?" He took aim at Elliot's sexy head. His finger began to squeeze the trigger.
BOOM!
All at once several things happened that will be explained in greater detail as you read on! 'Shoot to Thrill' by ACDC came blasting on from all directions and Olivia's bedroom wall was blown in the most kick ass fiery explosion mankind had ever seen!
Then, in a 'WOOSH!' of hard core bad assness, a man in an indestructible red and gold iron suit, with 'Knicks' painted across the golden face mask followed by fireworks of red white and blue, cheerleaders, hawks, Stan Lee, and Navy Seals all cheering him on.
The Man in Iron who shall be called that thanks to copyright laws, held up his red ironed hand, which was glowing with bad assery and without giving The Beast a moment to even blink, blew him away in a white hot fiery ball of extreme bad ass missile light, devouring and killing him instantly!
Elliot, who had been blown back by the blast of awesomeness in a non-sexy way, gasped at the Man in Iron from the floor. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded not in awe but in anger.
The Man in Iron turned towards him and his mask lifted, making Elliot gasp in fear. "The name's Warren Leight. And this is my show now, Bitch."
Elliot stammered uncontrollably for several moments. "Bu- bu- but I don't... HOW?!"
Warren shrugged. "All very simple, Elliot."
"STD Man!"
"You see, Elliot," said Warren, igniting an angry flame inside Elliot that was growing less sexy by the minute. "You chose to leave the show. Of your own accord. No one forced you. I came over and, well, people agree I saved not only the Show but Olivia as well. I gave her not one but two boyfriends, a partner who doesn't have severe anger issues, someone to have girl time with..."
"You... you ruined me, Leight!"
"No you ruined yourself. I was all set to save you as well but you choose to leave. You could have had a new female partner, drama with Olivia being your captain but you wanted to leave."
"Bu- Bu-... But I'm Elliot Stabler!"
"Yup. And ninety nine percent of the fandom is over you. Sorry, man, but it's time to move on."
Elliot glowered at the show runner as he stood up. "Prepare to feel my wrath, Leight!"
Before Elliot could have thrown his mightiest glare at Warren, Elliot was blown away in a light of hardcoreness, blowing him all the way to a shitty sitcom on Fox and 5 Episodes of True Blood.
A moment later Amaro and Cassidy sprinted in, both with their guns drawn. "Cassidy," Olivia sighed happily as he ran over and took her in his arms. "I thought you were busy with your 34 hookers?"
Cassidy gave her a look of confusion. "No. Why the hell would I be busy with Hookers? I had sex with one and fell in love."
"It was Elliot," Amaro grumbled. "He's the one's who's been turning us against each other and giving us horrible personalities."
Warren shook his head. "Don't blame Elliot, my boy. Blame Elliot's fanatic psychotic fans."
All three nodded in agreement and Olivia, still wrapped in Cassidy's arms gazed up at Warren.
"Will we ever see you again?"
"In September."
"And will you save me come September?"
"We'll see," was all he said before he, his fireworks, his Hawks, Stan Lee, and Navy Seals all flew away leaving Amaro to be an amazing partner, Olivia and Cassidy living happily ever after, and Elliot Stabler never heard from again.
THE END!