Lance knows Keith's life hasn't been easy. Subconsciously, he knows this. He knows this because he sees the way Keith flinches from unexpected physical contact, hears the way Keith is silent when the rest of the Paladins tell stories about their families, can almost taste the fear in the air when Keith freezes in the clutches of a flashback. News flash: Keith is just as likely to suffer from a traumatic flashback as Shiro; Keith's just better at hiding them.
But Lance has caught him out a few times. Seen the way he tenses almost imperceptibly and then freezes, gaze caught on something only he can see in the distance. He'll start to breath heavier and bring his hands up to clutch at his biceps, arms crossed defensively in front of him. Maybe like he's holding himself together, trying to keep all the breaking apart little pieces in place. Keith is very quiet when he has a flashback, and maybe that's why none of the other Castleship residents have noticed when he's going through one. Or maybe they have and they just haven't brought it up to Lance. Either way, Keith is good at hiding his PTSD. But Lance knows he has it, goes through it.
Lance knows this subconsciously.
The problem with Lance knowing this subconsciously is that sometimes (read: oftentimes) his subconscious and conscious don't collaborate. Pidge would say that he just tends to ignore what he knows, and Hunk - the traitor - would probably agree with her. If he's honest with himself, Lance knows he has a tendency to ignore a lot of things that he knows, simply because they don't fit in with his carefully constructed plans and ideals and images.
Which is probably how Lance finds himself snarking at Keith again, for no good reason.
They're in one of the Castleship's many common rooms, all of them. Shiro and Keith are lounged on one of the couches, half dozing and conversing in quiet voices. Hunk is tinkering with some hand-held mechanical contraption and Pidge is fiddling with the Altean version of a wall socket. Lance is sprawled over another couch, watching their two resident Asians.
Keith and Shiro look so completely comfortable with each other, and that's another thing subconscious Lance knows; that Shiro and Keith have known each other for longer than the rest of them. There's an unspoken, but not hidden history there. It makes Lance a little jealous. Shiro is this legendary hero figure in his mind and the thought that Keith might know Lance's role model more intimately than him, might share a past with him, irks Lance.
The real Keith that subconscious Lance recognises doesn't fit in with the image of Keith that conscious Lance created back in their Garrison days. Which is why he snaps at him and tries to force him back into Lance's carefully crafted little box of hot-headed simplicity.
Keith and Shiro are talking about why Keith left the Galaxy Garrison, and it sounds like a long over-due conversation that they're only just finding the time to get to now, or maybe Shiro's only bringing it up now because Keith's pretty relaxed, on the verge of falling asleep and teetering on the edge of open vulnerability.
"Keith, I'm just sad you threw away your future like that," Shiro whispers."You had such an amazing talent and you worked so hard to be there".
"I know, Shiro. I did want to stay there, but... they just... the things they said...".
"Well, if you hadn't left, then I s'pose I wouldn't have had anyone around to save me," Shiro smiles gently, privately, at the Korean boy. He seems to sense that the topic is hard for Keith to talk about, or that maybe he's just losing the battle with unconsciousness.
It frustrates conscious Lance that once again Keith is the centre of attention, the epitome of great and the recipient of praise. Lance has worked twice as hard as Keith and has plenty to show for it, but it all pales in comparison to ace pilot cadet Kogane's accomplishments. Keith didn't even graduate Galaxy Garrison; if they ever return to Earth, Keith's got no future as a pilot or space explorer. All because the kid has a discipline issue the size of the Castleship and a violent temper to go with it. But then again, Keith is amazing ace pilot cadet Keith and will probably be able to get whatever he wants if he returns back to Earth and just bats his eyelashes apologetically enough at the right people. Will probably get Shiro on his side too. Just like old times. Prodigies like Keith, who never have to put any effort in, always get things given to them over hard workers like Lance.
"Pfft, you forget Shiro, it wasn't just Keith who saved you that night," Lance doesn't move from his slouched position on the lounge, careful to maintain his air of nonchalance, but inwardly, he's seething and he wants to prove that Keith isn't all he's chalked up to be.
Shiro startles and looks over to Lance, seemingly surprised that Lance was listening in to his conversation.
"Oh, I'm sorry Lance, I know you guys were there too," he tries to appease, smiling reassuringly at the Cuban teen.
For some reason, that smile rubs Lance wrong. It's not as tender, as intimate as the one he gave Keith. Even when Shiro's attention is on Lance, he still can't win against Keith.
"I'm just saying, Keith isn't as great as everyone thinks he is. I mean, if it wasn't for Voltron, where would you be right now, Mullet? Alone, in a rundown shack in the middle of the desert, with no future ahead of you".
Lance knows it's a particularly mean and hurtful comment, but he doesn't really care right now. He doesn't care that Shiro's eyes widen in shock. He does care that Keith is awake now and looking at Lance with a stony expression, not revealing anything that he may be feeling. Lance wants to break that mask, watch that expression crumble into pieces to reveal the ugly feelings underneath.
"It's only what you deserve, y'know? Hard work always pays off and when I get back to Earth, I'm gonna have a career waiting. We all are. Except you. Because none of the rest of us were discharged. Because we worked hard to get where we were and didn't think we were better than anyone else just because we were born with talent".
"Lance, stop, you have no idea"
"Don't you defend him, Shiro," Lance snaps, interrupting the older Paladin. "He's always had it easier than the rest of us, all because he was born with a talent that the Garrison wanted. The instructors always favoured him and compared us to him. And he acted like he was better than us, because you didn't have to work like the rest of us, isn't that right, Kogane?"
Keith is pale, except for his neck, which is flushed red, like all the blood has been drawn from his face to his throat. He doesn't blink as he maintains eye contact with Lance, confused betrayal evident in those uniquely plum coloured eyes.
"You don't know anything about me, Lance. You can think what you want," he grits out, as if it physically pains him to speak.
Lance snorts derisively and raises himself to sit up, one leg crossed over the other, elbow balanced on knee, and chin balanced on hand. He doesn't break eye contact with Keith and he can see the imaginary hackles rise. The Korean boy rises from the couch to stand above Lance, arms crossed over his chest and shoulders hunched inwards. It makes him look like he's trying to protect himself from something, and Lance knows he's close to snapping, to dropping that mask. So he pushes a little further. Because conscious Lance loves to ignore subconscious Lance when he's trying to warn himself that he's about to overstep and land himself in a world of regret.
"I know you're nothing, but some prodigy who's never had to work hard a day in his life and got everything handed to him. I know you think you're better than everyone else and that's why you couldn't be bothered to talk to anyone at the Garrison. And that's why you never had any friends. Shiro thinks you're special for some reason, but if he'd just stop paying so much attention to you, he'd notice that you're not the only one, and that the rest of us got so good coz we spent hours and days and years training our butts off to get to"
"Lance! That's enough!' Shiro's growl interrupts him so suddenly he loses his train of thought.
He's still looking at Keith and now that he's back to himself and not ranting and raving, Lance can see the damage his words have done. Subconsciously, he knows Keith is gullible and vulnerable when it comes to things people say about him or to him. But today, Lance has been ignoring a lot of things he knows subconsciously.
Keith's not looking at Lance anymore. The smaller boy hasn't moved from where he is, but he's hunched into himself more and his face is downcast, eyes lowered. Lance can see his fingertips are white where they grip at his jacket.
Lance recognises that he's screwed up, maybe irreversibly. He's moving to get out of his chair and reach towards Keith when the Korean teen flinches, seems to come back to himself, and then turns away.
The Red Paladin leaves the room before Lance has even got his feet properly underneath him.
The most awkward silence Lance has ever experienced settles over the room. He can feel the combined weight of several very intense glares on him, but nothing feels as horrible as the stabbing guilt inside him. He wants to collapse back into the chair he just vacated, but he knows he should follow after Keith and apologise before he's had too long to stew on Lance's words. He's moving to exit the room when Shiro stops him.
"He doesn't want to see you right now, Lance".
The words are flat, monologue.
"But I"
"Just leave him alone! You've done enough damage and I know him better than you'll ever know him Lance and I know for a fact that he doesn't want to see you so stay. away. from him"
Lance is taken aback, stopped in his tracks, because he's never seen Shiro so intent, so deadly. The Japanese man's gray eyes are ablaze and roiling with a storm of emotions. His face is grim and his body tense, like he's ready to physically put Lance down if the Blue Paladin even breathes in Keith's direction. It's the look of a mother lion defending her cub, and Lance realises in that moment that he will never be able to compete with Keith for Shiro's affection, that Shiro will never look like that over Lance.
Lance lets himself be cowed and collapses back into the chair beind him. He sighs heavily and brings a hand up to rub at his eyes, which feel gritty. The silence reigns over the room for a few moments longer and he wallows in it, in the weighty judgement of it.
"How bad have I screwed up?" he exhales, suddenly exhausted. He doesn't look at anyone as he speaks.
Nobody answers him straight away. He doesn't push for an answer. Pidge returns to her fiddling (read: destroying what is probably an ancient and irreplaceable piece of Altean relic technology).
"Keith has never had anything handed to him his entire life," Shiro's voice is subdued and how can it sound so dead, but so full of sorrow and remorse and agony at the same time?
"Yeah," Lance sighs again. "I guess I knew that, but I don't know, something about his attitude always rubbed me the wrong way and I just get... jealous of all the attention he gets".
Lance doesn't want to admit it, but he figures they can't judge him any more than they already are.
"He's earned that attention. Through hard work and blood and sweat and tears. A lot of people don't see it. But I have. And I can honestly say, that if Keith's getting praised, it's because he's earned it. ...He doesn't even like it".
Silence again. Lance knows he's completely at fault here. He shouldn't have assumed anything about Keith, who he never even had a conversation with back at the Garrison. He was just drawn in by all the rumours and convinced by that surly aloofness that the whispers couldn't be anything other than fact. He saw this boy, who was all the things that Lance wanted to be - smart, fit, pretty, talented - and he hated him for it.
"Why is Keith like that? Why is Keith the way he is?"
That's Hunk, having put down his mechanical do-whacky and now looking to Shiro. Shiro looks at Hunk, steadily, as if judging him, judging his worth. Then their leader looks at Pidge, and judges her, and then Lance. They must all pass the test, because Shiro settles further back into the couch, crossing his legs underneath him and folding his arms across his stomach, leaning forwards.
"It's not my tale to tell, but Keith will never tell you and it might help you to understand why he's like he is".
Shiro tells them a story too horrible to be true. No one person can be that unlucky. Lance and Pidge and Hunk listen in morbid fascination as Shiro describes a life full of hardships they had never even imagined til now.
"Keith's an orphan. He has no living family, and none of his foster families officially adopted him, so he was a child of the state until he turned eighteen".
Shiro tells them that Keith's mum disappeared when he was only a baby. Abandoned her family. Left. Then his dad died when Keith was six. Some sort of accident. Keith was picked up from school that day by social services and moved to an orphanage. He stayed at the orphanage for six months before he was fostered by his first family.
"Keith's been through about ten foster homes. By the time he turned fifteen, he'd pretty much been given up on and he stayed at the orphanage until he turned eighteen and left".
Shiro tells them about monsters - horrific creatures hiding in the disguise of ordinary, caring human beings. Shiro tells them about nightmare families and drunkards and pedophiles and how can one poor orphan boy be so unlucky and cheated by the very system supposed to protect him? Keith's first foster family was kind and lovely and generous, but they had two children of their own, both older than Keith, and a baby on the way. When the baby was born, they didn't have time to care for Keith. It was a simple, easy decision to hand Keith back to the orphanage to be someone else's problem.
Keith's second foster family was a middle-aged woman who lived on her own. All of her own children had grown up and moved away, and her husband had passed away some time ago. She loved Keith and he loved her back the way only an innocent, trusting child could. A year and a half after Keith started living with her, the woman died in a car accident.
Shiro tells them about Keith's third foster family. A drunk and his unfortunate wife. She was too scared of the husband to protect Keith. Social services was only notified after Keith's third visit to the hospital, after his collarbone was broken in two places and his right arm in three. Beatings for any little mishap. For a not-perfect grade. For not cooking dinner to perfection, or cleaning the house. For just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Shiro doesn't hold back anything. Shiro tells them about Keith's seventh home. When Keith was thirteen. A middle-aged man, lonely because he had no family of his own. The short story is that that man is now in prison for at least a decade more and when, if, he gets out, he will be on a very specific list for the rest of his life. The long story is that Keith is a survivor of rape. When he was only thirteen. That man, that disgusting, vile monster, raped a thirteen year old boy. A thirteen year old boy who was too skinny and small to defend himself; held that boy down and used him for his own pleasure while that boy struggled and cried and hurt and didn't understand. Shiro tells them Keith stayed at that foster home for eleven months.
"Keith still gets nervous round grown men. Espeically if they're built big. The reason Iverson never got in Keith's face is becuase he knew Keith's history".
"Keith joined Galaxy Garrison after he turned eighteen. He had to wait till then coz he didn't have a guardian to sign for him when he was underage. That's why he's older than you guys, even though he was in the same grade".
Shiro tells them Keith spent his last few years in the orphanage sneaking out to visit the local library. To learn about space. To get into the Garrison. He worked hard on his grades in school. Worked through his lunch breaks. Didn't have time for friends. Didn't know how to make them anyway; his trust in people was all, but gone by then. Keith used to stay up late into the night, reading by the light of a tiny torch he'd stolen from a store, hidden under the covers of his bed so the orphanage matron wouldn't catch him or he wouldn't wake the other kids.
Shiro tells them that Keith never had any friends in school and that he didn't know how to make any when he arrived at the Garrison. Was too nervous of big, loud groups; too focused on studying, training and learning space and flying and astrophysics to learn people. He was running himself into the ground when Shiro found him.
"I ran into him in the gym. In the middle of the night. When he was supposed to be in bed. He looked like he was ready to break. But I'd heard about this crazy kid who was beating all my simulator scores and I just, don't know, ended up taking him under my wing".
Shiro tells them how he coached Keith, tutored him, taught him. Not just about space and flying and astrophysics, but also about life and people and friendship. Keith was wary, temperamental, testing, and some days, downright antagonistic. Shiro never gave up. They became friends - closer than brothers - told each other everything. Keith told Shiro about his life. Shiro taught Keith self-defence and martial arts. They trained together, studied together, ate together, flew together. Keith blew out all of Shiro's simulator scores. Shiro promised they'd fly together one day. Shiro promised he'd come back from Kerberos.
"And then the Garrison declared us dead, and I guess that was the last straw for him".
Lance remembers that day. The day Keith was discharged from Galaxy Garrison. One hour ago, if you'd asked Lance what he remembered about that day, he would have told you he remembered Iverson stopping Kogane in the hallway, pulling him up for some sort of infringement or other. He would have told you he remembered Keith snapping back at the instructor, deliberately antagonising the man. He would have told you he remembered Keith punching Iverson, unprovoked and rash and dangerous and wild.
Now, if you asked him right now, what he remembers about that day, he'll tell you about how Iverson all, but cornered Keith in the public hallway, and how he stood over the Korean boy. Tell you about the way Keith hunched protectively into himself and leant away. Tell you about the watery eyes and the cracking, breathy voice. He'll tell you how he noticed Iverson lean closer to Keith, and how Keith seemed to panick and flinched away and struck out. How Keith fled the scene before Iverson could even regain his feet.
Lance remembers that day because the day after that, Lance was moved from cargo class pilot to fighter. It didn't matter that the only reason he was moved was because ace pilot cadet Keith Kogane was gone. No, he used to remember that day after as the day Lance finally got what he deserved, what he'd worked so hard for.
In hindsight, did Lance really even work that hard for it? Did he really deserve it, after all? The thing is, back at the Garrison, Lance always had time for friends and goofing off and weekend excursions. Did Keith? Did he ever see Keith out in the town on their days off? Did he ever see Keith sitting through the entire lunch break with a group of friends, instead of alone at the farthest table in the cafeteria? Did he ever see Keith even smile?
Once upon a time, he thought that was because Keith chose to be aloof, chose to act all high-and-mighty and better than everyone else. Now, he knows better. After however many months in space together, Lance knows Keith struggles with understanding social etiquette and cues. Recognises that loud crowds make him anxious and unannounced touch startles him badly, maybe even scares him. Maybe Garrison Keith - no, not maybe, definitely - definitely Garrison Keith was the same. The same anxious, scared, confused boy just trying to find his place in a world that has turned its' back on him every chance it got.
By the time Shiro finishes telling them what he can about Keith's life, Lance feels sick. The things he'd said to Keith; Keith doesn't deserve any of it.
Shiro gives him permission to find Keith. Warns him that Keith might not want to talk to him, but that it's been long enough for Keith to calm down that he probably won't roundhouse kick Lance's head off his shoulders. Probably.
He finds Keith on the training deck, which isn't really a surprise. It is a place Lance doesn't spend much time at, unless it's for group training, and isn't that just rich. Keith is going against the gladiator when Lance walks in, the Cuban teen being careful to stay close to the walls and away from the fight. Keith's sword is a blur as he swings and twirls it with deadly intent and skill. Keith is fighting with a ferocity that honestly scares Lance and he is hesitant to interrupt the other boy lest that fury be turned in him. But Shiro had said Keith wouldn't hurt him.
...Probably.
Keith launches himself at the gladiator, twisting in mid air and planting both of his feet into the droid's torso and kicking it away. He twists again while airborn to land in a crouch, and then swings his body viciously around to hurl his sword at his opponent. The sword crunches into the droid's chest and the force of the impact flings the robot back a few feet. Lance watches as Keith rises to his feet and stands, watching the droid with intense eyes, his slender chest and shoulders heaving with heavy pants and sweat dripping down the back of his neck. But then those intense violet eyes slide over to him.
Everything Lance has prepared to say is swept away.
"What do you want, Lance?".
He doesn't sound enthusiastic to see the Cuban teen - Lance doesn't blame him - he sounds more put upon, like Lance is stopping him from continuing to beat the ever-loving shit out of the poor, powerless robot - which. he probably is.
Lance fumbles to say something, anything, but the words that come out of his mouth make no sense.
"Hurry up and say whatever you wanted to say or leave," Keith growls impatiently, looking like he's gearing up to start the next simulation round.
"I just... just wait, wait... I need to say I'm sorry," Lance fumbles, desperate to get Keith to stop for just a minute and listen to him.
"You need to say you're sorry? Or Shiro made you come say sorry?".
"I need to," Lance states firmly, finally managing to get his metaphorical feet underneath him. "I shouldn't have said any of what I said. It wasn't true, any of it, and you didn't deserve it.
"Shiro told us what happened. To you, I mean. He told us about your past. And how crappy it was and honestly, I don't know how you did it, man, how you made it through all that-"
'I don't need your pity, Lance," Keith snarls, brows furrowed deeply. "Shiro shouldn't have told you that".
"It's not pity," Lance insists, because he wants Keith to understand what he's trying to tell him, and it's not pity that he feels for him. "You're too strong for that".
And that stops Keith, makes him freeze and his mouth drops open just a little, face transforming into a look of timid curiosity.
"I'm glad Shiro told me. Because I had all these... ideas about you and none of them were true. You've been through so much and you never let it stop you. You made something of yourself. i was wrong when I said you've never had to work for anything in your life. You've worked harder than anyone on this team to get to where you are, to just survive. So I'm sorry for saying what I did. The last thing you need is another person trying to drag you down".
He stops because he could go on for hours, but Keith is watching him intently. He still seems hesitant, like he's not really sure what to make of Lance's speech. Lance knows now why Keith would be hesitant to trust him, to trust any of them - except Shiro, of course - so he waits and gives him the space he knows he needs to process everything.
Keith doesn't reply straight away, and Lance waits patiently, knowing he owes Keith at least this, as much as he just wants the other boy to say something, do anything, yell at him, hit him, walk out, anything. Eventually, Keith heaves out a sigh and moves towards Lance. His expression betrays nothing of what he's feeling and Lance braces for that roundhouse kick that's probably coming.
He's not expecting the head that thunks onto his chest. His hands instinctively come up to steady Keith, gently wrapping around his biceps oH WHAT KEITH IS IN HIS ARMS...kinda. But WHAT THE CHEESE is going on here? Keith is either ignorant or uncaring to Lance's mental freakout and just sighs again, nuzzling his head into Lance's tee, hair tickling the taller boy's jaw.
"S'ok, you didn't know...".
It's easier when Keith is talking, because that says to Lance that he's still here, still aware - aware of what he's doing? - so Lance can just. Stop his brain. Stop all the unnecessary thinking and just focus on what he needs to. And quite obviously that is Keith himself.
Lance thinks how amazing it is that Keith - touch-starved, timid, PTSD Keith - apparently trusts him enough to want a hug from him. This isn't Keith hugging him; it's Keith putting himself into Lance's personal space and searching for a comfort he doesn't know how to ask for, that he's probably never had from anyone else before - except Shiro.
He moves his arms to wrap one around the small of Keith's back, and the other around his shoulders, noting how tiny the other boy actually is. He tightens his arms and leans into the unorthodox hug, hoping this is what Keith wants, needs. It mustn't not be, because Keith hums appreciatively and his hands clutch at the sides of Lance's jacket.
He knows it isn't this simple, that no matter what Keith says, he can't be forgiven so easily. It's definitely not the worst thing he could have said, but it doesn't make it okay. And it doesn't make it okay just because he didn't know better - though if he'd listened to subconscious Lance, he might have paid better attention to the signs that were just as clearly telling him a story like Shiro just did.
It's not okay just because he didn't know, and Lance says as much, mumbling the words into a head of dark, feather-soft hair. Keith hums again, not seeming inclined to answer properly or move. Lance lets him stay where he is, lets him enjoy the contact while he can, while his ghosts are away and he can enjoy simple touches like these.