Title: Sanctuary
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Family
Rating: T
Characters: Benny Colón, Jason Bull
Summary: Bull saw him breaking, but, for once in his godforsaken life, he didn't know what to say when it mattered the most.
Pairings: None
Warnings: Depression, attempted suicide, mentions of self-harm, anorexia, anxiety, extreme Bull/Benny friendship, probably OOC Bull and Benny
Word Count: 9,210 words
Author's Note: So I realize now that the characters are a bit OOC, but I could never get them right, so this is how it came out. For the sake of the story, I think it came out generally okay. This is meant to be a one-shot, but if you agree, I have a plan to make it a two, maybe three, shot. Let me know. Until then, I hope you enjoy.
Bull saw the signs before anyone else.
Then again, he was the psychologist here, so it was only natural that he noticed. Yet, at the same time, he was the psychologist. Therefore, he should have said something, should have done something, but he didn't. Why? Because, for the first time in his godforsaken life, Bull didn't know what to say.
This was not a situation in which Bull could use his witty remarks and charming smile to solve the problem. No. He needed to approach this delicately, and despite the fact that Bull had many counseling sit-downs with his clients, he wasn't exactly the most heart-to-heart guy around. He mainly left that job to Chunk.
But still, this was his brother-in-law. Well, technically, he was Bull's ex-brother-in-law but something of a brother nonetheless. So why did he hesitate? Why did he just let this happen? Why didn't he do something, anything? Why was it so hard for him to just sit his best friend down and talk to him, ask him what was wrong? Why didn't he tell him what he was thinking: that if he needed anything, all he had to do was ask?
If he had, Bull wouldn't be listening to the heart monitor right now.
It was a tense Friday when it first started. Chunk had brought the whole team coffees of their own specific tastes, each so unique to the other. It was a very appreciated gesture as the team had had an unbearable and stressful week. A case involving the murder of a man named Kyle Sorin, who had died from cyanide poisoning, needed to be solved. The wife had been accused, but, with Bull's supposed all-seeing eye and wisdom, they had proved her innocence and found the real killer, a mistress who was angry at her love interest refusing to leave his wife and for breaking off their secret relationship.
While it was an all-around tiring case for them, it had taken its toll on Benny the worst. Everyone suspected it was because he had exhausted his every effort into the case, but they couldn't help but think it was more than that.
Benny had become the attorney for Mrs. Sorin since she had fired her original lawyer for suggesting that they should strike a deal with the prosecution. Her own lawyer didn't believe her, so what choice did she have? Thankfully, Benny had agreed to help, although he didn't really have a choice since this was his job and Bull had volunteered him to do it without even asking.
Speaking of Benny, where was he?
Bull looked around the office, searching for his brother-in-law. Well, ex-brother-in-law. Bull didn't know why he still called Benny that. The marriage between Bull and Isabella was long over, yet Bull still referred to Benny as family in his head. Granted, the whole team were their own little family, but there was a little more connection between the lawyer and psychologist. There was a bond there that the others didn't even come close to touching. It wasn't favoritism, but there were just some things that Bull would only discuss with Benny and vice versa.
Well, at least that's what Bull had thought.
"Where's Benny?" Marissa asked, interrupting Bull's thoughts.
Bull looked up at her, only to see the whole team staring at him as if they expected him to know the answer.
"Not sure," he replied honestly.
"Maybe he's just running late because of traffic or something," Chunk suggested. "I mean, I got stuck behind some mess on the highway earlier."
"Yeah! That accident on I-90, right?" Cable exclaimed.
Chunk nodded. "Yeah. It was pretty bad."
"It was a three car pileup," Danny informed. "From what I heard, some guy was speeding and hit a patch of ice. He crashed into the car in front of him, who spun out and hit the person beside them."
The three of them carried on with their conversation, but Marissa wasn't paying attention, and, evidently, neither was Bull. Their boss was back to gazing at the door, and Marissa had a feeling he wasn't going to look away until Benny walked in, safe and sound. The story of a three car accident wasn't exactly making things better.
There had been some snowfall throughout the week, making the roads slippery. Black ice had become a major issue with the nearing zero degree temperature. Marissa knew Bull was already assuming the worst, and she was getting a bit anxious herself.
It wasn't like Benny to be late, even if it was only five minutes. The man was very punctual, and the one time he had come late beforehand, he had apologized profusely to Bull, even though it hadn't been his fault. Benny had gotten into an accident, nailed from behind by another car. It had been winter at that time, too, and the car behind him had been going a bit too fast, unable to stop once he hit a patch of ice. Benny's car had lost control on the slippery road and was sent over the sidewalk and into a gate. Benny had hit his head pretty hard on the wheel, but all he escaped with was a severe migraine, thank God. He had been a little over an hour late since the police had decided to take their time, but Bull hadn't cared. He was too busy fussing over the fact that Benny didn't call him, hadn't gone to the hospital, and had insisted on coming to work with a migraine so severe that Benny couldn't see straight.
So Marissa supposed Bull had reason to worry.
And when she saw Benny walk through that door three minutes later, even she was definitely worrying.
He had looked tired, absolutely exhausted. He had looked dead on his feet. There were light grey bags under his normally lively eyes. His usual straight-backed posture was slightly hunched over as if he couldn't be bother to carry his weight. The suit he wore was slightly wrinkled, and his tie was marginally askew. His hair was a bit ruffled, and he just looked completely worn out.
Marissa saw Bull physically tense up, sensing something was very clearly wrong. She could see his concern and anxiety shoot through the roof, and she wasn't too far behind. The conversation between Cable, Danny, and Chunk stopped abruptly, and Marissa didn't have to turn around to know that Cable's jaw had dropped, Danny's grip on the table had tightened, and Chunk's eyebrows were raised. She had started wringing her hands, and she could see that Bull had pressed his lips into a tight line.
Despite how sick he looked, Benny still managed to walk up to them, a smile on his face that didn't even remotely resemble his usual grin, and say, "Morning, guys. Sorry I'm late."
He looked like he was about to say something else, but Bull had stood up swiftly and said, "Benny, come with me, please?" but it hadn't really been a question. Benny slowly nodded and placed his briefcase on a chair, following Bull out of the TAC main room.
Marissa turned to Cable, Chunk, and Danny once the two men had left. Their concerned faces held bits of shock in them, and Marissa had no doubt her expression looked the same. They were all thinking the same thing.
What happened to Benny?
Benny couldn't help but wince at the waves of anger radiating off of Bull. Last time he had seen Bull this annoyed was when he been late because of that stupid accident. Bull had ripped him a new one for coming into work instead of calling him and going to the hospital. Even though Benny had insisted he was fine, Bull had still dragged him to the hospital after Benny had passed out from the pain of his migraine.
However, Benny hadn't been in an accident this time. He had no excuse for being late. Truth was, he had overslept. He had slept straight through his alarm clock and had woken up six minutes before he was supposed to be at work. Needless to say, Benny had thrown on the first pieces of clothing he could find, not really caring if they matched or not. He had driven as fast as he could, still being mindful of ice patches and other crazy drivers on the road.
When it was obvious Bull wasn't going to say the first word, Benny muttered,
"Hey, I am sorry, you know."
Bull had stopped walking and whirled on him so fast, Benny had involuntarily flinched and stepped back. Bull's height of six feet two inches naturally towered over Benny's measly five feet six inches, so Benny thought he had every right to be afraid of this giant. Benny felt intimidated by his own best friend on a good day. Right now, Benny tried as hard as he could not to show he was downright terrified.
Even so, Bull clearly saw it because the taller man stopped and bit the inside of his cheek. A hint of emotion that Benny couldn't quite catch flashed across Bull's face before he said,
"Benny, the fact that you're late is not what I'm concerned about."
Benny pursed his lips and looked away, glanced everywhere but at Bull. He didn't really know what to say.
"What happened, Benny? Was it another accident?" Bull's voice was soft, and it was completely devoid of any accusatory tone, but Benny still resisted the urge to flinch again. He felt so disappointed in his own self, and he couldn't begin to imagine what Bull thought.
Benny swallowed thickly. Was it really so wrong to wish it had been an accident and not his careless lack of responsibility that made him late? He was already angry at himself. Did Bull need to bring this up again?
'Of course he does,' Benny thought tiredly with an internal sigh. Bull was his boss and he needed to know what happened.
"I, um...I overslept."
God, it sounded even more pathetic out loud. What kind of an excuse was that? Judging by the expression on Bull's face, Benny could tell he sounded just as pitiful as he thought.
"You overslept?" Bull questioned, a disbelieving tone coating the sentence. He looked surprised, and Benny hoped this conversation would change direction soon.
"Yeah," he muttered.
Bull let his gaze wander over Benny. The shorter man looked so tired, and Bull would have thought he was losing sleep rather than catching up on it. Based on the fact that Benny looked so worn, Bull would bet everything he had that Benny had, in fact, lost sleep and went right through his alarm to make up for it.
And, for God's sake, that terror.
Benny was downright terrified of him, and Bull hadn't the faintest idea why. Benny was trying to hide it, but it seemed like the lawyer often forgot his best friend was a psychologist, trained to see emotions like these. Benny was hiding something from him, something big, but he didn't want to tear down his clearly uncomfortable friend even more, so he decided to let it go.
"Benny," Bull started quietly. He didn't want this conversation to end, but for Benny's sake and pride, he had to. Benny looked up at him, and Bull could see a brokenness that would go unnoticed by the rest of the team but all so clear to him.
"You do know it's okay that you're late, right? I mean, you've only been late once as far as I'm concerned, and that wasn't even your fault," Bull reminded. "So if you overslept, that's fine. I'm actually not all that surprised you did."
Benny narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"
Bull raised an eyebrow in a manner that clearly said, 'you are joking, right?'
"Did you really think I didn't notice how much you exhausted yourself over this case. You spent hours searching for the right words to say without so much as a five minute break in between for the past four days. You had every right to be tired, so you oversleeping is not that much of shocker, Benny."
Bull saw Benny swallow thickly again, and he was really starting to worry. Something was wrong with Benny, something really wrong.
"Yeah, but-"
"Benny, no," Bull interrupted. "It's fine. Stop worrying about it. You're here now. Just call me next time. How many times do I have to tell you that? Pretty sure I told you that last time. If you're running late, call me."
Benny nodded, but Bull clearly saw that Benny was still angry with himself. Bull hated it. Benny held such high standards for himself, and when he couldn't reach them, he would tear himself down, become so angry with himself until he thought he was good enough.
Unfortunately, that wasn't often.
Bull could predict the next events like he was looking through a glass ball. He knew what Benny would do to himself, what he was thinking. It was an actual textbook situation, and, yet, despite how by the book the problem was, Bull had no idea how to stop it.
He should've known better than to let Benny go a whole weekend by himself! What had he been thinking?!
And now, as he watched Benny throw himself headfirst into another trial, Bull knew he had made a grave mistake.
Bull hadn't known it was physically possible for someone to lose so much weight in three days. On Thursday, Benny had fit his clothes perfectly. Now, on Monday, the man looked like he need clothes a size or two smaller. How? How could Benny accomplish something so terrible in three days? Bull just wanted to drag him to the side, force food into him, get him to talk, something, but for some reason, he hesitated. God, he couldn't do it. Why? Why was this so hard for him all of a sudden?
The team shared devastated looks with each other when Benny walked in on Monday, and this time, he wasn't late. But Bull would have rathered him be late than looking like this.
Those light grey bags under his eyes had darkened, and his clothes hung so painfully, obviously loose. His hair was still a bit messy, but he couldn't bring himself to think about that. He was more concerned about his friend's weight. Benny had never been heavy or overweight, he had always been the right size, but this...God, it was like he was trying to disappear before their very eyes.
Bull could feel the team's critical eyes on him, silently demanding that he fix this, but when it was clear he wasn't, they tried to do it themselves.
Marissa would bring Benny lunch that he would push away when he thought no one was looking, but Bull always was. Chunk would joke with him and Benny would smile, but the smile would fade away as soon as he thought everyone's backs were turned, but Bull's never was. Danny would talk with him and Benny would respond happily like normal, but he shut his mouth tighter than a clam when he thought no one wanted to listen, but Bull always did. Cable would often hug him and Benny would return the embrace every time, but he would hold himself in shame when he thought everyone was gone, but Bull never left.
As far as Bull was concerned, Benny never noticed his watchful eye because he knew that as far as Benny was concerned, Bull didn't care what happened to him. God, that wasn't true at all. But Bull could see why he thought that was.
His friend - no, his brother - was fading right before his very eyes, and Bull was doing nothing to stop it. Was he not the doctor here? Was he not trained to fix situations like these? What was he doing?
Nothing! He was doing nothing at all! Why? Why couldn't he pull Benny aside and say, "I'm sorry it took me this long to say it, but, Benny, I do care. You can't keep doing this to yourself. What is going on? What is so bad that you can't even tell me?"
Benny's once lively self was fading so fast, Bull was sure that it would only take a couple more days before his best friend became a walking shell of emptiness.
He really didn't want that to happen.
That Wednesday, Benny came in smiling all on his own. It was a real smile, not one of those fake ones so paper thin it would fly away with one breath. For a moment, Bull believed whatever had been eating away at Benny had finally been resolved. That is until…
'Oh my, God...What the hell is that?'
Why...Why was Benny's arm bandaged? It wasn't obvious at all, his suit jacket covered it up, and Bull wouldn't have noticed if his sleeve didn't roll up the slightest bit when Benny reached for a notepad and paper, ready to write his closing argument for the new case.
'No, no, no. God, please, no. Don't tell me you're smiling because of that, Benny.'
This had gone for too long, gone way too far. This needed to end now. He couldn't let Benny do this to himself. He couldn't let this drastic action be the source of Benny's happiness. Oh, God, Bull felt sick just thinking that.
Bull was pissed. Not at Benny - God, never at Benny - but at himself. Why had it taken this long for him to do something? If he had done something earlier, it wouldn't have gone this far. The two of them hardly talked nowadays, and Bull could hardly imagine how Benny felt. He probably felt so betrayed, alone even. He probably felt that Bull wanted nothing to do with his problematic self, but there were so many flaws with that thinking. First off, Benny was not problematic, he was anything but, and second, Bull was never tired of Benny, no matter how much he joked about not valuing their friendship. But that was all they were: jokes. Benny couldn't do this. He couldn't.
Bull finally sucked it up and came to a decision. After court today, Bull would take Benny aside during the celebratory dinner - because Bull knew they were going to win - and talk to him. This couldn't go on. It should have never gone on to begin with.
The whole team was angry at Bull. He didn't blame them. They all gave him the cold shoulder. This was all his fault. He needed to fix this. He needed to help Benny.
God, he wanted to.
The celebratory dinner was mainly Chinese food and cheap drinks, but it was still a victory in the team's books nonetheless. Bull stood back with his own glass of champagne and watched Benny interact with the others, his smile not as bright as this morning. Bull knew exactly why.
Benny was feeling that urge again. Bull saw it during trial today, and it nearly cost them the case. Benny had continually rubbed at his injured arm, the injured arm that everyone had failed to notice except for Bull, which he supposed was a good thing in its own sick way. God knows what Benny's reaction would have been if someone pointed it out.
But his anxiety didn't go unnoticed by the jury and courtroom. Benny always rubbed his arm under the table, trying to hide it from everyone, but even the client, who they all hated because of his attitude, had hissed at him to quit it.
Bull had wanted to strangle the man right there and then, but he had settled for a glare and a quiet,
"Leave him alone or you definitely won't be winning this trial."
Their client had shut up very quickly, not without a glare of course, but the damage had already been done. Benny had stopped rubbing at his arm and tried to hide the crestfallen look from ever reaching his face.
The closing argument was delivered as powerfully as every other time Benny said it, but as he walked back to his seat, Bull had seen the pain in his eyes. Bull had cursed himself mentally. How could he have let it get this far?
He took a deep breath, setting down his glass before walking up to the team. He caught Chunk's eye and the man nodded minutely, letting Bull know that he approved of what he was going to do.
Bull rested his arm around Benny's shoulders. Even this movement was hesitant and Benny had tensed under his touch.
"I'm going to steal Benny from you guys for one moment," Bull had announced, a slight grin on his face, hoping to convey some ounce of normality and calmness before effectively tearing down Benny harder than he ever had before.
The team nodded and smiled, thankful that Bull was actually going to fix things despite how late he was.
Bull could see the betrayed look when Benny realized the team wasn't going to help him, and Bull began to feel that much more uncomfortable. The others hadn't seen Benny flinch, but Bull guided him to his office, away from the music and chatter. It was there where Bull sat next to Benny on the futon and said,
"Benny, this has to stop."
"What does?" His tone was nonchalant, but his eyes told Bull he was scared and starting to feel claustrophobic. Bull needed to calm him down immediately.
"Benny, you know exactly what I'm talking about." Bull's voice was soft, understanding, but Benny wasn't hearing any of it.
"I don't know actually."
"Benny, what is going on?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
Bull almost snorted in response. "Ah, yes. The old 'I'm fine' trick. Benny, you and I both know that never works and it definitely won't work on me."
"Bull, it's nothing. I'm okay," Benny replied, but his voice was pleading, desperate. Bull could see his eyes darting around, looking for the nearest escape, but the door was the only exit and Bull had deliberately sat himself between it and Benny for this very reason.
"Ah, you said 'it,' meaning there definitely is something."
"Bull, stop!" Benny snapped, all but shouting. "Stop reading into things that aren't there!"
"It is there, though, Benny," Bull answered calmly, looking Benny directly in his eyes. "There is something wrong. You know it, I know it, the team knows it...So stop, please. Please, stop pretending like everything's okay and tell me what's going on. What happened?"
Bull could see Benny hesitating. God, he was so close.
"Bull, stay out of it." It was a warning. He was telling Bull to back off. Bull was approaching way too fast, and Bull knew it, but he couldn't help himself. He needed to help Benny.
"Benny, you know I'm not going to just let this go."
"Bull, stop-"
"Benny…"
"Jason, please, for the love of God, stop."
Benny never called Bull "Jason." It was that name that made him hesitate, and it was that hesitation that allowed Benny to slip past him. By the time Bull had gained control over his mind, Benny was already walking fast out the main room, headed straight down the hall.
Bull stood up immediately, grabbing his phone from the table. He had an eerie feeling he was going to need it. He really hoped he didn't need it.
Benny was gone by the time Bull had maneuvered his way through the crowd and into the hallway. Feeling his heart sinking, Bull sprinted down the hall, looking in every room for his best friend. He approached the bathrooms and pushed open the door to the men's room. Just as he was about to push open the first stall door, a puddle of red on the white floor caused him to stop. It was from the last stall.
Bull felt his whole world come crashing down on him as he slowly pushed open the stall door. His mouth went dry at the sight. Benny had unwrapped the gauze on his arm and managed to slice both wrists open. A red-stained pen - a pen of all things - rested beside Benny. Blood was flowing freely, and Benny was already almost unconscious.
For a moment, Bull was frozen. Benny was actually dying in front of him, by his own hand. Wait a minute...He was dying.
Bull rushed forward, slipping off his tie from around his neck. He wrapped the article of clothing around one of Benny's wrists and tied it off as a tourniquet, but there wasn't a tie around Benny's neck for once, so what was Bull supposed to use to stop the blood flow on the other wrist? He could use toilet paper, but that was too thin. It was better than nothing at all though.
Bull was in the process of unwrapping almost a whole roll of toilet paper when Chunk came into the bathroom.
"Bull? You in here?"
"Chunk!" Bull called, relief flooding through him. "Last stall, get over here!"
Chunk rushed forward at the urgency of Bull's voice and immediately felt sick at what he saw. Bull had wrapped his own tie around Benny's wrist to stop the bleeding and was attempting to use thin pieces of toilet paper to protect the other one. The toilet paper wasn't working as well as the tie though.
Chunk usually complained about how expensive his suits and ties were, how valuable they could be, but none of them even came close to how priceless Benny was. There were thousands of ties, but only one of Benny.
And that's why Chunk did not hesitate for a second before sliding next to Bull. He was already ripping off his tie and tying it tightly around Benny's exposed wrist. As he did that, Bull was calling 9-1-1 while using the other hand to keep pressure on the wound. Chunk did the same.
The pressure caused Benny to emit a small moan of pain that crushed Chunk's heart, and when the stylist looked at Bull, he could see his heart crumble as well.
The call didn't take long, and once it was over, both men had hands soaked with blood.
Benny's blood.
It made both of them sick, made them want to throw up and cry. But they didn't. Benny needed them. And they would be there.
"Benny. Benny!" Chunk called out.
The shorter man slowly blinked open glazed over eyes. He was very out of it, but they needed to somehow keep Benny awake.
...Ch'nk?" he murmured, slightly shifting away from the two males.
"Yeah, yeah, it's me. Bull's here, too."
At this, Benny began to struggle, attempting to pull his arms away from them. "...What are you doing? Stop."
"Benny, quit moving!" Bull growled. "If you think I'm just going to let you die here, you better think again!"
"Stop, please," Benny whispered, still pulling his arms away. His face was becoming pale very quickly, and the two men were not liking it.
"Benny, we can't let you bleed out here," Chunk insisted. He pressed tighter on the wound to keep Benny from moving, soliciting another moan of pain from the other man.
"Benny, please, for God's sake, stop moving. We're trying to help you. I won't let you die here!" Bull snapped, but his worried voice cracked at the end, emotion getting the best of him.
Benny just wanted this to end. He wanted everything to end, yet his two friends refused to let that happen. Some friends they were. Benny didn't mind Chunk being there despite his attempts to save him. It was Bull he was worried about. Bull's name fit him because he was as stubborn as one. If Bull didn't want Benny to die, then Benny wasn't going to die despite his desperate wishes to.
There were footsteps running down the hall, calling Bull's name. Chunk stood quickly and ran outside, directing the paramedics into the bathroom. Everything else was a blur to Benny as his eyes slowly closed shut for what he hoped would be the last time.
It had taken hours of waiting before Bull was allowed inside Benny's hospital room. Chunk was ordered to go home a long time ago. Bull had washed his hands several times, trying to scrape off blood he knew was no longer there.
Now, sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair with nothing to do but listen to the incessant beeping of the heart monitor, Bull was overcome with guilt.
It was his fault. It was all his fault. If he had said something sooner, they wouldn't be here. Benny wouldn't be in a hospital bed looking smaller than he ever did before. He had thinned out to a point where the doctors struggled to find a way to safely insert an IV. His hospital gown hung so loosely on his body that Bull wasn't even sure if Benny was even there. How? How did Benny manage to destroy himself so much in less than a week? Bull hadn't thought it was possible, but now he had living and breathing proof in front of him.
'But only a few hours ago, he wasn't really breathing and he sure as hell wasn't living.'
And it was that thought that finally broke the Bull.
Tears flowed from behind his glasses, his stifled sobs echoing in the white, lifeless room. He hadn't really realized how close he was to losing Benny until now, until he saw his best friend lying so still in this bed that seemed too large for his small form. The white bandaging on his arms would be taken off, but he knew the scars would never fade. They will always be a reminder to all of them how close they were to losing a member of their family.
Bull reached out and held Benny's hand in his own. He just wanted Benny to wake up. He wanted to tell Benny how sorry he was, show him how much he really did care. He wanted to help him, to figure out what had caused this predicament in the first place.
How Bull prayed it wasn't his fault.
Bull wiped away his tears, cleaned his face. Just as Bull was about to close his eyes to rest, a small groan sounded from the man. Bull shot up in his seat, almost waiting impatiently for Benny to open his eyes.
"Come on, Benny. You got this. It's okay," Bull gently coaxed, his grip on Benny's hand tightening.
Those brown eyes slowly opened and blearily blinked as he looked around the room. "Where…?"
"You're at the hospital, Benny," Bull replied quietly.
"W-What? Why am I here?" He asked. The heart monitor started to beep faster, and Bull could see the panic in Benny's eyes.
"Benny. Benny! Benny, listen to me. You have to calm down. Relax. You're fine, okay? You're okay. You have to relax," Bull soothed, placing his other hand on Benny's shoulder with his grip becoming tighter still on Benny's hand.
"Bull, I can't be here. I shouldn't be here."
"No. You are exactly where you need to be. You need to be here. With us."
"Bull...I am so sorry," Benny whispered, his heart monitor slowing and tears building up in his eyes. Even so, Benny refused to let them fall.
"It's okay, Benny. You can cry. I am not here to judge you."
It was Bull's soft and understanding tone that caused the first tear to fall. Once the first tear fell, there was no stopping the ones that followed. Benny used his free hand to cover his mouth and nose as he looked away and attempted to stifle his cries. Bull removed his hand from Benny's shoulder to instead wrap it around Benny's hand as well. Now both hands were holding Benny's as he watched the younger man cry.
"Bull, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to get this bad," Benny choked out.
"Yes, you did," Bull whispered, but his voice held no malice or accusatory tone. "You knew it would get this bad, maybe you didn't want it to, but you knew it would."
Benny didn't reply.
"Benny, I'm not angry with you, really. I am more concerned and worried that anything. I'm also sorry."
Benny looked at him wide-eyed. "Sorry? For what?"
"For not helping you when I knew you needed it," Bull answered simply. "For not being a friend when you needed me to. For not offering a hand when you fell. I'm sorry for not being there for you."
Benny swallowed thickly and looked down. "There was nothing you could have said to change my mind, Bull."
"You know that's a lie. You were probably so alone, Benny, and I didn't offer one bit of comfort. You were going through a tough time, and I didn't even ask if you were okay," Bull reminded, dropping one hand but continuing to hold on with his other.
Bull could feel Benny's grip on his hand tighten. He was getting somewhere.
"I should have told you."
Bull furrowed his eyebrows. "Told me what?"
"What had happened. I just didn't think you'd care."
"Benny, why wouldn't I care? You're my best friend. Of course I'd care." Bull's tone was almost disbelieving. Despite his training, despite his education, the situation was always different when it was someone you cared about. You'd understand why they did what they did, but the shock and disbelief would never go away.
"...They told me so."
'They? It was another person, people even? Someone else caused this?' Bull had several thoughts going through his head. 'Who did this? Who, Benny?'
"Who's 'they,' Benny?" Bull tried to sound patient, he really did, but he was sure some anger had slipped through.
Benny flinched. "Bull, forget it."
"I'm not going to forget it, Benny. If they hurt you, I'm not going to let it go. Who is 'they?'"
Benny hesitated. He hesitated longer than Bull wanted him to. Who was Benny trying to protect? Why was he so determined to have Bull stay away? He had said he wanted Bull to know, but now he was holding everything back. Why?
"It was from the Sorin case."
Bull paused. "The Sorin case? The one from last week?"
Regardless of the fact that Benny had run himself nearly six feet underground with that case, the trial had gone fairly smoothly. The jury was easy to figure out, and the trial had gone well. It was just the lawyers that made everything go to Hell. They were a pack of vicious wolves that blocked every move the TAC team made.
"Yeah. That one." Benny's voice was quiet. He was clearly anxious, tense. He didn't like this conversation, but he knew they had to have it sooner than later. Benny figured his recovery would be much easier if the conversation was had sooner.
"What about it?" Bull asked, silently urging Benny to continue.
"Those lawyers. I've dealt with opponents with worse attitudes, but these guys didn't like to lose."
Anger in Bull flared up. "What did they do?" His voice was hardened with vexation. Bull would find those lawyers and made sure they regret everything they did to Benny.
"It was the day before closing arguments. They found me walking back from the coffee shop. They cornered me on the sidewalk, threatened me. I stood my ground, but, Bull, the things they said…"
"What did they say?"
Benny had gone to a cafe to get the team lunch, but it was really Bull who forced him to go. He had thought Benny had needed a break from everything, just a nice walk to relax his mind, but it seemed Bull had thrown him to the dogs instead.
"They told me how you hated losing, how I better be careful to make sure I didn't screw up. They said if I screwed up, I'd lose everything like I have before: my job, people I care about, called me expendable. They threatened everything. They demanded that I step down, and I guess that only threw on more pressure. I had to make sure I didn't lose. As much as hate to say it, it wasn't about Mrs. Sorin anymore-"
"It was about proving them wrong," Bull finished with a sigh.
Benny swallowed and nodded, looking away again.
"Benny, what those lawyers said could not be more wrong. Sure, I hate losing, but I hate seeing you beat yourself over it more."
Benny looked up, surprise and glimmer of hope in his eyes. Bull pounced on that desire, desperate to show Benny he cared because he cared so, so much.
"Benny, I sent you to get that coffee so you can relax. You were stressing yourself out way too much. You were losing sleep and you didn't take breaks unless one of us forced you to. I didn't mean for you to get cornered by those lawyers, didn't mean for you to hear those lies. If we had lost, yes, I would have been upset, but I would have known you tried, and there was always a next time. I wouldn't fire you over it. You can't win them all. I care more about you and the team than winning a case. The last thing I wanted you to do was nearly kill yourself over it."
Benny recoiled at that, and Bull swallowed back the instinct to pull back into a hug. God, he felt so terrible for what Benny had endured, what he had gone through alone. The lawyers that did this to him would pay. Bull would make sure of that. But for right now, Benny needed him more than ever. And Bull would be there to help him.
It had been about an hour since Benny had woken up. A couple of nurses had bustled in and out, checking on machines and asking Benny how he felt, but there was still no sign of the doctor. Bull was beginning to become annoyed. What kind of hospital took this long for a doctor to respond to a patient? It was ridiculous, and Bull was about to go to the nurses' desk to find out what was taking so damn long when Benny's stomach growled quietly. At that moment, he knew something more important had to be addressed.
"Hungry?" Bull asked with a slight smile. The smile soon faded when Benny shook his head.
"No, no, I'm okay."
Bull was going to put a stop to that. "Benny, don't lie to me. When was the last time you ate?"
Benny hesitated. "Don't remember. But that was because I never had an appetite," he added quickly.
Bull could feel his jaw drop slightly. "You...You don't remember?"
"...No…"
"Benny, you can't do that! You need to eat, you know. You can't just starve yourself!"
Benny shrugged one shoulder, finding a loose thread on the sheets more interesting than Bull. "Worked well enough for me," he muttered, but it wasn't meant for Bull to hear.
It didn't matter. Bull heard it anyway.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, Benny?"
Benny bit the inside of his cheek. "Didn't like myself. I changed it."
Bull had to hold back a scoff. Was Benny actually serious? Did he not realize that he had been perfect the way he was, and that the team wouldn't have changed him for the world? Of course he didn't. Benny couldn't. Not with what he was going through. Why was it so easy for Bull to forget that?
"You were fine the way you were," Bull replied calmly. "We wouldn't have changed a thing about you. How could you destroy yourself like this?"
"I didn't destroy myself, Bull." Benny's voice was hostile.
"Benny, take a good look at yourself! Do you look healthy to you? Do you look good in your eyes?" Bull exclaimed, trying to reel in his anger and praying Benny could hear his worry.
"...You won't like my answer."
"Oh, God, Benny…" Bull whispered, placing his face in his hand, trying to figure out how in the world he was going to fix this.
"We love you, okay? We really, really do, but this...this isn't you," Bull said, glancing up at his best friend, who refused to look at him. "You're way too thin, Benny. It's not healthy. You'll make yourself sick like this. Benny, please eat something. You can't ignore food forever."
Benny opened his mouth to speak but stopped. Even the thought of food made Benny want to throw up. The truth was, he wanted to get better. He wanted to be who really was, but was it worth the risk? That day, when the lawyers ripped into Benny on the street, he had never held so much hate for himself as he did then. He hated everything about himself, everything and anything. He hated the way he looked, he hated hearing his voice, he hated his inability to write a good argument...he despised himself.
Now Bull was here, telling him that he had been perfect when all Benny had seen were his flaws, his imperfections, his mistakes. Was it really worth risking it all again just to be what? Perfect? Happy? Normal? What if he went back to who he used to be and ended up hating himself all over again? He didn't want to go back through the pain, to risk going through this whole cycle again.
But he wanted to be him again.
God, why was this so hard?
"Benny?"
And there goes Bull again.
Never had Benny seen him so emotional, so heartfelt. Benny wouldn't deny that he had missed his best friend. Throughout Benny's destruction, they had hardly talked, barely spared a glance at each other. Benny had felt Bull's eyes on him when he wasn't looking, but whenever he glanced to him, the gaze was averted, and Benny was feeling alone all over again. It didn't feel right. The two of them normally joked with each other, gone to grab drinks at a bar after a case, but that didn't happen this time. Why? Because Benny had left as soon as possible. He had rushed home to be with who? No one but his depression?
"I want to be better...I really do."
"Benny, I'm here. I want to help you, but you have to let me."
"Okay...yeah…."
"I'm going to get something for you to eat. Can you be alone for a little while?"
Benny nodded. "Yeah. I'll be okay."
"Do you want me to call Izzy?"
"No!" Benny shouted. He immediately lowered his voice at Bull's raised eyebrow. "Please, no. I don't want her to see...I don't need to hear what she has to say right now."
And Bull understood because he knew how...passionate Isabella Colón could be at times.
"Alright. I'll be back as soon as I can, Benny."
And he was gone. And Benny was alone.
His stomach growled painfully as Benny began to realize the damage he had done to himself. He knew this wouldn't all go away within the week. This could take days, weeks, even months to resolve. He knew he had to get help, had to do something to fix this, to fix him. And he was sorry. He really was. He didn't mean to tear them apart like this, to worry his teammates, his friends, his family. It had all gone so wrong so fast. He had torn down everything he stood for in five days. It was only five days, but never had he felt so isolated.
If Bull hadn't intervened when he did, who knew how long it would have last?
He couldn't do it.
He had only eaten three spoonfuls before his stomach began protesting. Only three.
Bull had brought him some soup from the hospital's cafeteria, hoping this would be easier on Benny's stomach, but as the shorter man buried his face in his hands, they both knew it wouldn't be easy at all.
"It was only three," Benny murmured from behind his hands.
"Benny, that's okay. Just try a little more. Don't rush it."
"It shouldn't be this bad."
"Benny, you deprived yourself of food for days. Your stomach needs to grow accustomed to eating larger meals again."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing."
"Right. Sorr- Damn."
"Just relax and try again when you're ready."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. The more you tell yourself you can't, the more you start to believe and end up not actually being able to do it."
"What?"
"Benny, just relax and try when you're ready."
"You keep saying that over and over again."
"And you keep apologizing and berating yourself. I guess we're both like broken records then."
"I won't disagree with 'broken.'"
"Benny…"
"Right." He had to bite back another apology.
Benny stared at the bowl of soup in front of him. He wanted to eat it, it was the first step to becoming healthy again, but his body seemed insistent that he starve. Each spoonful sent an undesired wave of revulsion and nausea through him.
Benny lifted the spoon to his mouth again and took another quiet sip of the slowly cooling soup. His stomach revolted against the liquid. Benny had to lean forward, his arm resting on criss-crossed legs, hand covering his mouth. One hand was holding his stomach and his eyes closed shut. He heard Bull stand up.
"Benny?" His voice was full of alarm.
"I feel like I'm going to throw up."
Bull had crossed the room back and forth with just four strides, trash can by the bed just in case. He rested a hand on Benny's back, massaging smooth circles as Benny fought down his nausea. He needed to keep this down. He needed to get better. If he just pushed himself as much as he had degraded himself, he could be better in no time.
"I want to get better. I do," Benny whispered, biting back a groan as his stomach flopped again.
"I know you do, Benny. I do, too."
The nausea passed after a few more seconds.
"I think I'm okay for now," Benny muttered.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure."
Bull nodded and moved back to his seat. His eyes were full of sympathy as Benny slowly pushed the bowl of soup away.
Benny wanted to cry. This was so much more difficult than he thought it would be. Why was it so easy to tear himself down but so hard to build himself back up? He didn't understand. He just wanted to go back to work, to be normal again.
But he knew nothing was ever that simple.
Benny had been awake and coherent for nearly eight hours when the doctor had finally come in. Bull had been so angry that the doctor was practically banned from his own patient's hospital room. Benny had tried to reason with Bull, but the man's words had been:
"If it has taken him this long to come see his patient, he obviously doesn't care. Therefore, he's not needed."
Benny, though he would never admit it, felt his heart warm at the fact that Bull was standing up for him, protecting him. It wasn't as if Bull had never stood up for him, it was just uncommon. He normally left Benny to fight his own battles, and Benny actually didn't mind that. Being shorter than most men, Benny needed to have a larger than life personality and a loud voice with an attitude that spoke volumes. Having Bull tower over him like some guard dog was only going to make things worse. Not to mention that Bull attracted his own trouble on a daily basis. His witty remarks and sarcastic tones often rubbed people the wrong way and irked them to no end.
Either way, the doctor had left and the nurses did their routine checks. They were the only staff that Bull didn't hate. However, night was closing in fast once more, and Benny's eyelids were growing heavier by the minute.
"Go to sleep, Benny."
"Only if you go home, Bull."
"You know I'm not leaving you here alone."
"Why?"
"You know why."
There was silence for a moment.
"Nightmares aren't uncommon after an experience like yours."
"Bull…"
"What?"
"I am so not in the mood for one of your little psychology lessons."
Benny heard Bull laugh.
"What?"
"'Psychology lessons?'"
"Yes. Psychology lessons. Instead of joining TAC, you should've become a psychology professor."
"Definitely not my style."
"You would've had me fooled," Benny replied sarcastically, shifting so that his back was to Bull.
There was silence that followed. Concern raised in Benny when he didn't hear Bull reply.
"Bull?"
"Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good." Benny could hear the smile in Bull's voice, and he had to grin himself.
Yeah. They were fine for now.
Bull knew it was going to happen sooner or later. He just didn't expect it to happen just ten minutes after Benny had fallen asleep.
"No...no, please...stop."
Benny's anguished moans snapped Bull out of his thoughts. The older man reached over and took one of Benny's hands into his own before gently shaking the lawyer with his other hand.
"Benny," Bull called soothingly. "Benny, wake up. It's just a dream, Benny."
It took longer than Bull would have liked, but Benny eventually opened his eyes, tears streaming down them. Bull hesitated before pulling Benny into a side hug. He could feel the smaller man shaking. The entire time, Benny refused to look Bull in the eye.
"So I can finally go home?"
"Yup."
"Really?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Already?"
"Benny."
"Sorry."
"Benny…"
"Right. No apologizing."
"It's okay. But you have to get in the wheelchair."
"What? Why?"
"Hospital procedure."
"I injured my arms, not my legs."
"Hey, I didn't make the rules," Bull replied, raising his hands in defense.
"Yeah. You only demanded that I be released now because I could have the same care at home as I do here because you fired my doctor."
"...I didn't make the rules."
Benny rolled his eyes as he sat himself down in the wheelchair. "So where's the nurse to wheel me out?"
Bull looked at him, his eyes narrowed in confusion. "I'm wheeling you out," Bull replied slowly.
"Oh." Benny rubbed the back of his neck. "You don't have to. You've already done enough."
"I do it because I want to," Bull answered. He grasped the handles of the wheelchair and began pushing it out of the room.
"You do it because you feel guilty."
'Why is it that I feel like every time Benny and I take a step forward towards recovery, we take two steps back less than an hour later?' Bull thought with a sigh in his mind.
"I do it because you're my best friend, Benny. You're going through a tough time, and I want to help."
'I want to prove to you that those lawyers were wrong. I want to show you you're not expendable.'
"Yeah, right. No one in their right mind would want to spend their free time with a problem like me."
Benny couldn't see Bull's face, but an angry and confused expression contorted Bull's features.
"...What...What the hell, Benny?"
"Bull, that wasn't supposed to be said out loud," Benny defended, the surprise evident in his voice, as if he really didn't mean to say it.
"You shouldn't have been thinking about it anyway." Bull pushed the wheelchair into the empty elevator before hitting the Lobby button. He positioned the wheelchair towards the exit and stood behind so he could see Benny's face in the door's reflection and vice versa.
"I know. It's just difficult, you know?" Benny scoffed and closed his eyes. "No...No, you don't know. You've never been as screwed up as me and I pray you never will."
Bull reached over the back of the wheelchair and squeezed Benny's shoulder. "Benny, you're not screwed up. And we will get through this. I promise. You're not alone."
'I'll make sure of it.'
Author's Note: So that is Sanctuary. I hope you enjoyed. Please let me know if you want a second chapter involving Benny's recovery and some more Benny/Bull friendship! Also, let me know if you think it a good idea to write a story about the accident Benny had gotten into that was referenced in the story. Until then...Thank you for reading!