Love from jealousy – part 1

By Fishiexy

Disclaimer: Kyle XY is the property of ABC family and no copyright infringement is intended.

Kyle's thoughts in italics

Despite her somewhat inebriated state Lori was still able to locate Declan amongst the many dancing bodies in the flickering bonfire light. It was like her senses were tuned to him. She knew they were having problems, but she couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk to her; why he was avoiding her. Well, he wasn't going to get away from her tonight! She was going to speak her mind and find out once and for all what his problem was. It looked as if he was having a fairly serious conversation with Charlie Tanner. If she got over there quickly, he wouldn't have time to make yet another emergency exit!

She waded through the sea of bobbing heads dancing to the loud rock music and came to a stop rather unsteadily in front of Declan, her intoxicated brain momentarily causing her to see two of him. She blinked to clear her vision and thoughts. She needed this to come out right. She didn't just want to cause yet another argument between them. He wasn't looking at her, his head following Charlie who had just rushed off.

'You suck!' She announced loudly.

Declan jumped and turned towards her, eyes wide.

'What?' He asked, surprised and confused.

'You heard me!' She slurred. 'There is absolutely nothing rational or intelligent or remotely kind about the way you've been treating me.'

'Lori, I…'

'Let me finish!'

She needed to get this off her chest. It had been eating away at her since Kyle had come back, since Kyle had come home.

'I feel hurt, angry and at the moment, a little drunk so I'm here to tell you that you suck!'

That hadn't come out right at all! You suck! How juvenile was that? But it was how she felt Goddammit, and she wanted to let him know she wasn't pleased with him or their situation.

He sighed.

'I know I've been crazy…If I could figure out how to explain it, I would.'

He seemed to know that his recent behaviour had upset her yet he didn't elaborate further. His expression reminded her of how Kyle sometimes looked at her when he didn't understand what was happening to him. He appeared anxious, confused and almost like he was in pain. Although she was angry at Declan she still really cared for him and just wanted to find out what the matter was so they could fix it and get back to the easy going, fun relationship they used to have, before Kyle went away. She didn't know what the problem was but it just always seemed to keep coming back to Kyle.

Her tone softened.

'Well how are we supposed to be together if you can't even talk to me about what you are going through?'

He closed his eyes, bit his lip and then hung his head. He couldn't look at her. He looked away, around, anywhere accept at her. Realization suddenly dawned and her stomach turned upside down. This was why he had been avoiding her. It wasn't just that he didn't want to talk to her, he didn't want to be with her, period.

'Oh my God! You want to break up!'

She watched him trying to avoid her gaze and felt the tears start to well up.

'This is the one place where the silent treatment is not going to fly. If you want to break up, you're going to have to say it.' She said firmly.

He had to tell her to her face. She needed to know that that was what he really wanted. She looked up at him, willing him to deny it, but she knew in her heart that she was right. She felt her face start to crumble. It was only a matter of time before he said the words. He finally plucked up the courage to look her in the eye and said to her grimly…

'I want to break up.'

She took a deep breath, composed herself and wiped away a tear trying not to smudge her make-up. She looked up at him again.

'And I suppose a 'why?' would be asking too much?' She asked in what she thought sounded a reasonable voice.

'I just, um…I can't!' He blinked and swallowed. His Adam's apple bobbed. It looked like this was hard for him too, but Lori didn't care. That wasn't an explanation. If she was going to be dumped she at least needed to know the reason why. She got angry again.

'Well that's great, really nice, really mature. And it doesn't matter anyway.'

She started to move away. She didn't know how much longer she could hold it together and she didn't want to give Declan the satisfaction of seeing just how much he had hurt her.

'I've already erased you.' She told him. She flicked her hair over her shoulder and looked him directly in the eye. It was a comment designed to hurt him as much as she was hurting inside.

'You and me? Never happened!' Her voice cracked as she turned and ran to Hillary before subsiding into tears.

I looked at myself in the mirror for the second time that night. I touched the skin over my face and felt my shoulders and chest, still amazed at the fact that I had walked into a burning building and had come out with my clothes on fire yet I was unharmed. Just as Tom Foss told me that I would be. It seemed that Foss believed in me more than I believed in myself. And Nicole had seen what I was capable of and had looked at me with such disbelieve and shock and had come to me for an explanation and I couldn't give one to her because I didn't understand it myself and I didn't want to have to lie to her.

The face that stared back at me from the mirror outwardly appeared the same as it had always been, but there were subtle differences. I could manipulate my body's temperature but my hair was not under my control. The ends were singed and had fused together into small clumps. I ran my hands through it. The strands felt coarse and brittle. Tomorrow, I would ask Nicole to cut it, then no one else would see the evidence of what I was capable of. As for the rest of me… the same green eyes, dark eyebrows and eyelashes, the same long nose and pink lips and white teeth… it just all looked a little more 'lived in'. I felt older, but not necessarily wiser.

My life seemed to be getting more complicated and less under my control day by day. What with Foss's gruelling training sessions, his constant pushing, both mental and physical, his desire to see Adam Baylin's dream fulfilled…He seemed to believe that it was all possible, that I was some sort of saviour, that I could somehow change the world or was I just the vindication for his guilt over letting Adam die? Foss may have believed in me but I wasn't so sure that I could be what Adam had foreseen.

I just wanted a normal life, a life that belonged to me and one that didn't involve getting up at four in the morning and lying to my family and friends. But even when I had told Foss that it was over, my life was far from normal and certainly wasn't easy. Charlie was still lying to Amanda and Declan wasn't speaking to me or Lori and then there was that strange 'connection' I felt when Charlie was trying to pick a fight with me before the fire started. I just wanted to be ordinary, but as Nicole had told me, I was anything but ordinary…

I heard voices in the hall. I didn't need to concentrate on my hearing to know who was talking and what they were saying. They were not trying to keep the volume down. I could hear Lori stumbling around and by the slurring of her words deduced that she was drunk. She was doing a good job of explaining herself to her parents and they only managed to get a few words in before she stumped up the stairs and took herself to bed. Now I closed my eyes and let the distant sounds and vibrations flow into my senses. Nicole was worried, about me as well as Lori and was trying to calm Stephen who was angry and disappointed in his daughter and Lori was crying into her pillow. What had happened to her tonight? I put my shirt back on and quietly crept up the stairs to her room.

Lori became aware of a soft tapping on her door. She ignored the sound. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone tonight. But then a slow, deep voice called her name and before she could tell him to go away, Kyle was in her room.

'Lori? What's the matter? Are you ok?' He asked her hesitantly.

She lifted her head to look at him, wiping her eyes as she did so. She was going to tell him that now was not a good time, but his face swam nauseatingly in front of her and she felt the world shift on its axis.

'Oh, God!' She groaned squeezing her eyes shut and putting her hand over her mouth.

'Lori?' Kyle asked again, worry evident in his voice.

She felt the bed dip as he sat down next to her. Closing her eyes had not helped her nausea and in fact seemed to be making the whole situation worse. She squinted up at his concerned face trying to concentrate on something solid, on Kyle, to ease the dreadful spinning sensation.

'What happened tonight? He asked her gently.

She thought back to her conversation with Declan at the bonfire that had happened just a few short hours ago and relived the awful sickness she felt in her stomach when she realized that he wanted to break up with her and felt again the embarrassment of not having predicted it, of not knowing what was coming. She closed her eyes and mentally kicked herself. All the signs were there, but she had just chosen to ignore them. How long had he wanted this? How long must he have hated her? She felt the tears begin to start again and brushed them angrily away. She was pathetic! She sat up slowly so as not to increase the sickening spinning sensation and shrugged as if to imply that it wasn't important.

But then she felt Kyle's gentle touch on her arm and he was looking at her with those blue-green eyes and she could see the concern and worry for her, but could also see the guilt and fear. He knew! Had someone told him? Declan? Hillary? Or maybe it was just because he was Kyle and could read peoples' minds! But then another thought popped into her head. Could he be feeling guilty because it was his fault? Declan hadn't been the same since before Kyle went away. He had been acting strangely, secretively and he had stood her up on more than one occasion and it had just got worse when Kyle left with the Petersons.

'Declan broke up with me!' She hiccupped.

'Lori, I'm sorry!' Kyle said sincerely.

She shrugged again as if to say it was no big deal and brushed her tears away once more.

'I mean it's fine to break up if that's what he wants but the least he could do was to give me an explanation why. He just told me that he couldn't! I know it hasn't been right between us for a while but I never thought it was so bad that he couldn't stand to be with me any more.'

She looked up at him, tear tracks and smudged mascara streaked across her cheeks.

'Kyle! What happened out there in the woods on that day we went to UW and what did you leave for Declan in that box when you went away with your parents? It's just that he hasn't been the same since you left and it just got worse when you were away. I thought he would get over it when you came back and you told us you were staying for good, but now he's not even talking to you. Kyle! What's going on?'

I tried to get my thoughts in order, to give Lori some reasonable explanation for what she perceived and I knew to be the truth: That Declan had dumped her because of me, because he couldn't understand the secrets and lies that I had involved him in and the danger that I had put him in. And he didn't understand because I had refused to explain it to him.

'Kyle?'

Lori was pleading with me to tell her something, anything to help her understand why Declan had just abandoned her.

'There was nothing in the woods that day, at the coordinates I found, but Declan wouldn't believe me. And the box of things I left him was just some of the few souvenirs I had collected over the months I had been with you. I thought that it would be something to remember me by.'

I felt awful lying to her but Foss had warned me of the dangers of anyone else finding out about me, about what I was and where I came from. It was bad enough that Declan and Nicole knew the partial truth. I didn't want to put anyone else in danger. The people at Zzyzx had already killed Adam Baylin which meant they knew about me. I couldn't put my family at risk as well.

'I didn't realize that I would be back with you so soon. I thought that when I went with my parents…'

I let my voice tail off and left the statement hanging. I knew that Lori would understand, but I felt even guiltier for using a lie against her. I had told Foss that once I came home, the lying would be over, but now it just seemed to be spinning out of control. I looked at Lori and watched the recognition and guilt flood her face, even in her drunk and confused state and with all the pain she had endured tonight, she was considerate of my feelings. She touched me on the arm.

'Kyle, I'm so sorry, I didn't think! And I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories about your parents. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt Declan and I know how you hate lying. God! It's just… he's turned me into this horrible person and now I'm hurting my family… Mom was really worried and Dad was angry and disappointed and the things I said to you, the things I accused you of…' The tears started again.

'Why couldn't he tell me? Why? God, I hate him!' She sobbed.

I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain, pain that I had unwittingly caused. I took her in my arms and held her close while she sobbed into my shoulder.

'I hate him, but it doesn't matter anymore, 'cos I erased him. It never happened.'

She cried while I rocked her gently stroking her hair and rubbing her back.

'It never happened.'

She muttered over and over as she fell asleep in my arms.

'I erased him. I erased him.'

The next morning at school Hillary found Lori getting her books out of her locker. She touched her on the arm.

'Hey! How are you today?' She asked gently.

Lori turned towards her.

'Delicate. I'm feeling very, very delicate.'

Hillary grinned.

'Well, you did have rather a lot to drink last night and let's not even mention the emotional trauma you suffered…'

'I'm glad to know you find this so funny.' Lori said sarcastically. 'And I'd appreciate it if you could keep your voice down. My head's killing me!'

'I'm sorry, but seriously, are you ok?'

'Well, it's still all so raw and I keep going back over it in my mind wondering whether it was my fault or if there was anything else I could have said or done…'

'Lori! The guy wouldn't even talk to you! There was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault.' Hillary reassured her.

Lori shrugged. 'I guess…' She didn't sound convinced.

'What you need is a new guy.' Hillary told her.

'Are you joking, Hillary? That's the last thing I need! I've had just about enough…'

'No, I don't mean a guy, guy, I mean 'the perfect guy' to make Declan jealous. You've go to let him know that he wasn't the be all and end all of your life and there's bigger and better fish in the sea!'

'Well, as I see it, there are two things wrong with that theory.' Lori told her rummaging in her locker.

'The first being that the phrase 'the perfect guy' like 'military intelligence' is an oxymoron, however, I'll let that slip for the moment because it's too early in the morning for philosophical discussions. But the second and much more important point is that there is no such thing as a perfect guy, let alone 'the' perfect guy.'

'Look! I know that and you know that, but Declan doesn't know that.' Hillary said slowly as if Lori was being particularly dense today.

'Is all he knows is that he's dumped you and instead of moping around you're already out having fun with a gorgeous guy and you've forgotten about him already. Guys hate it when you do that. They always think that they are the most important things in the universe. You gotta let them know differently.'

'Is that what you do?' Lori asked suspiciously.

'Works every time and makes me feel better too. Life's too short to get depressed over a guy!'

'Maybe you're right, but I refer you back to point two in my aforementioned argument. Where am I going to find a perfect guy?' Lori raised her voice then winced.

'Ok, I am so going to have to remember to keep the volume down!'

'Those are just details, but we're agreed on principle then?' Hillary asked her.

'Whatever! Just do it quietly!' Lori told her putting her books in her bag.

'Did you manage to get past your folks last night because you were stumbling around pretty good when I dropped you off?' Hillary asked changing the subject. She'd give Lori some time to get used to her idea.

Lori shook her head in embarrassment.

'They caught me creeping up the stairs and I'm sure I was grounded for like, the rest of my life, but at that point, I didn't really care. I just had to lie down before I fell down. God! I felt so ill and my dad's face was a picture! After that, things got a little hazy…'

She frowned, trying to remember.

'What is it?' Hillary asked her.

'Nothing really, it's just weird. When I woke up this morning I was wearing one of Kyle's shirts!'

'Kyle? Why were you wearing Kyle's clothes?' Hillary asked surprised.

'I don't know! I mean, I know I was shit faced and probably couldn't even have remembered my own name if you had asked me last night, but you think I would have remembered getting undressed and putting on someone else's clothes wouldn't you? And where did I get one of his shirts from? I mean, I don't exactly keep them lying about my room. That meant I had to have gone back downstairs into Kyle's room to get one of his shirts to wear and I just don't remember doing that. And for the life of me, why would I do anything like that?' She looked at Hillary, bewildered.

'Only your complex, strange little psyche can answer that question! Which shirt was it?'

'Excuse me?' Lori asked.

'Which shirt did you choose? Was it the black one that makes him look all dark and mysterious or was it the blue one that matches his eyes or the plaid one that makes him look like a farm boy…'

'A farm boy? Kyle?'

'All wholesome goodness in that yummy body!'

'Hillary! I can't believe you! You just licked your lips!'

'Stop changing the subject. Which shirt were you wearing?'

'I can't remember! I just know it was Kyle's.'

Hillary sighed dramatically.

'It's not right that anyone as clueless as him can be so beautiful… Somebody needs to corrupt that boy soon.'

'Yeah, well, just as long as it isn't you.' Lori told her firmly.

Hillary continued as though she hadn't heard her warning.

'Those dreamy eyes with their long, dark lashes…' She put her hand over her heart and her face took on a wistful, longing look.

'And those delectable pouty lips just aching to be kissed, that thick, messy hair that makes you want to run your hands through it and that adorable innocent expression…'

'Blue! Blue! It was the blue shirt, ok? God! I can't believe you!'

Hillary smiled. 'Well, I'll see you later now that we've finally got that annoying memory problem cleared up. And remember the three little letters…T.P.G. The. Perfect. Guy!'

'And my three little letters to you…' Lori flung back at her.

'B.A.V. Born. Again. Virgin!'

'I'm serious Lori.' She called out over her shoulder.

'T.P.G. Watch out for him! He might be just around the corner!'