Disclaimer: Neither Bleach nor its characters belong to me
Warning: super angst-y
Enjoy the bitter-sweetness
How could you leave me? After all this time, after everything that's happened, you leave me now? When I need you so much?
-
You promised me forever, you swore. And I-I believed you! You were so unlike anyone I had ever met and, that night, as we lay dying in the rain, not only did our souls become one, but I gave you my heart. My heart. You saved my life. You gave me life. But now...I'm alone--well, sort of--and I miss you and I need you more than ever. Am I supposed to do this without you?
-
I laid in bed, alone, last night. Your scent still fills the room, the sheets, your pillow. I almost wanted to cry but all my tears have been used up. I'm empty. I can't bring myself to throw away your toothbrush that shares a cup with mine in the bathroom. I can't lower the toilet seat that you left up. Your dirty clothes still lie in the hamper, unwashed. Your coffee mug still sits on the counter top, where you left it.
It just doesn't seem real! It's as if you'll walk through the door any minute now and you'll yell at me for putting myself in danger or you'll surprise me from behind and wrap your strong arms around my waist and press distractingly sweet kisses to my neck while I'm trying to make dinner... It feels as if you are still here...
But you're not.
-
They tell me that I need to be strong, that I can't let the pain consume me, control me, if not for my own sake then for the sake of your child. Our child: the only thing I have left of you. He grows every day and he's strong, like you, I can feel it. But it just makes everything bitter-sweet. My love for him and my love for you are so immense, it hurts. And then I miss you so much there's this dull ache in my chest and I know it upsets him as well. I need to forget you--for now, at least--so I can focus on him. I'll die if I lose you again.
-
You made life so...worthwhile. You showed me how to have fun and how to live and how to love...
Don't worry, I haven't forgotten. I will give our son a great life. I just wish you were here to make new memories with me, with our son. He'll be here soon. If you were here, you'd be poking fun at how big I am and you'd be taking full advantage of the fact that I cannot move enough to come after you. It makes me smile, thinking about it. But I know how excited you were, how much your eyes lit up with wonder when I told you. I miss your hands, how they touched the small bump of our child in my belly with such gentleness and care and love, and yet they were the same hands of the fiercest fighter in history.
You would have been an amazing father, and the fact that you'll never get the opportunity makes the sadness return.
-
Everyone's hovering anxiously now: your sisters and father, my brother, Renji, Inoue and Chad and Ishida, Urahara and Yoruichi. I think they're all more nervous than I am. I'm ready, though, and I'm sure: every thing's going to be okay. Well, as okay as it will ever be with you not here, where you should be, with me.
-
It hurt more than I thought it would. I really wanted, needed you today, to be with me, to hold my hand, to reassure me. At one point, through my tears, I thought I saw you standing next to me, but I blinked and you disappeared.
The pain was overwhelming at one point, and I just wanted it to end, for it all to go away. It was too much, piled on top of the pain I had accumulated losing you. But when I heard his cries--yes, I was right, he is a boy--all sadness and all pain and all grief exited my body and I was filled with this vast, infinite love for our son...you wouldn't believe it.
He's beautiful; he has your hair and my eyes and your strength. He reminds me so much of you it almost hurts, and I can't take my eyes off him. When they put him in my arms, all I could do was marvel over him. He is the product, the proof, the paragon of our love, this tiny, vulnerable, trusting bundle in my arms. He will know how much we loved each other, how much we loved him, be sure of that.
I wanted to name him after you, after his father, but I knew if you were here you'd never want to subject your son to "strawberry." It was difficult to pick a name. I hadn't even though about it these five months since you...left; I always just called him "our son." His name is Kazue; it means "blessing." I thought you would like it. That's what he is: he is my blessing. He is the best gift you could have ever given to me, and my heart swells with love.
Everyone's been so supportive. My brother's been here for two weeks and says he will stay for as long as I need him. Karin and Hitsugaya finished the nursery for me. Your father--and I know this will shock you--has been so supportive and has gone out of his way to make everything a bit easier. Renji hovers, but he does not know what to think of babies quite yet. Yuzu's offered to live with us awhile; she says there will be many sleepless nights in my future. I think, though, that I want to do this on my own.
I can't help but dwell on the fact that it should have been the three of us going home, together. A family.
But it's not.
-
Now, I am alone in the nursery. I'm sitting in the rocking chair you flew out to buy the day after you found out we were pregnant. Our son is sleeping in my arms. (He has a peaceful spirit, I can tell already.) Even though I'm so full of love and happiness, there's still that dull, ever-present ache; I miss you so much, Ichigo. I wish you were here, with me, with us. But I know I can't be sad any more; for Kazue, I have to pretend my missing you doesn't render me incompetent, incomplete, because I'm missing my other, my better half. He needs me, all of me, so, until I find you again, I have to lock you away in my heart and I have to be able to smile when Kazue asks about you. So I can relate the stories of how we met and how you saved me and how you stole my heart fondly, without grief or sorrow. We'll be reunited soon, Ichigo, I can feel it. Our love is not bound by death or life or any state in between. It is limitless and knows no bounds.
Until then, be at peace, and know that I will always love you.
Until forever.
Remember, I did warn you about the angst-y-ness...