Hold his head close. Let him try to stop the shaking. Stroke his shoulder when he gives up.

Whisper his name, "Geoffrey…"

I know what it's like to be the oldest.

I get that.

But understanding isn't going to change anything, isn't going to absolve you of a crime you had every right to commit.

But I'm the oldest. And I'm trying not to think this is stupid-

Run a hand through his hair, touch his neck, let your fingers rest there-

because I should feel the same way, I should be breaking down a bit, but I'm not.

I get it.

You had to go. Anyone in your place would have done the exact same thing, would have dropped everything and gone-

Drop your chin to his skull. Kiss-

I know I would have. I would cross the country in a heartbeat if I heard he was alone somewhere. And I would not think twice over killing anyone who tried to stop me.

They're precious.

I can't describe it in any other words, any better words. How sharing blood with someone makes the center of your world shift. It's not something we ever talked about-

His name: don't forget it, "Geoffrey."

I wish we had.

Did you know he loved you? I'm not talking about friends or peers or soldiers, brothers in arms. He would have held you like this if you had asked, had suggested, even thought; he would have known, or even chanced a guess, just to press you close to him and feel your weakness move his body.

It's a sweet thing.

Move a hand down his back, run a hand up and down hard, steady. Let every muscle know you're here. Every muscle needs to.

It's too late now though. We're on opposite sides and that cannot be changed, even if you come back one day, even if you tell him:

I'm sorry.

It's over.

I missed you.

I love you.

Anything, everything.

You've been gone too long already. And I promise I'll listen-

Forget that you're smaller, that you have been for years. Make your lap fit him. Make your fingers meet at the base of his spine. Absorb him until he's ready to face the day again.

This is your brother. Do not let go-

but you understand. Anyone in my place would feel the exact same way, would feel worse than the lowest demon on earth for the anger stuck in her throat-

Crane your neck, nose to temple. Kiss-

You know you would. And I would understand.

You are the gentlest knight who will ever ride under my lady's colors.

I loved you with him and we are less without you.

Feel his breaths even so you know when to relax your grip.

Let him slide away to face you. Look and find your eyes in his.

Say nothing.

When you come back I'll be there. I'll wait my turn to take your hand, probably even hug you-

Run a finger across his cheek. It doesn't have to be wet.

Every word, each syllable will be true when I try to explain: it's a sweet thing.

But understand-

Watch him leave you, empty. Play with a finger and study the floor. Forget.

He didn't need you.

When that day comes and I cannot return your smile.