A/N: This is a fill for a Mass Effect kinkmeme prompt: Just had a super cracky idea. In my headcanon, Saren had a bit of celebrity status in his early days as a hotshot Spectre. Maybe this young stallion inspired a few celebrity crushes amongst his admirers! And so, because reasons, young Saren does a full nude spread in the Playgirl/Fornax magazine. He's hot and he knows it, whatever.
A few decades later, and Commander Shepard has a guilty secret. That edition of Playgirl/Fornax is her favorite. And it's making her job stopping Saren... difficult.
Bonus option #1: It's also the rest of the crew's favorite.
Bonus Option #2: Saren finds out.
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, nor am I making any money from the writing of this fic.
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"Commander."
Kelly's voice crackled over the comm in the cargo bay as Shepard wrapped up her daily workout. She finished her rep of sit-ups with ferocity and jumped up to her feet, stepping forward into a lunge; stretching her long, muscular legs.
"Go ahead." She held the position, wiping the sweat off her hairline and smoothing back the flyaway's protruding from her messy ponytail.
"You've received a new message at your private terminal," responded the cheery voice.
"Thank you, Kelly."
Shepard grabbed a towel off of a table in the makeshift training room, coiled it around her neck and took the elevator up to her cabin. She unceremoniously plopped into her desk chair and hit the message button as she began peeling off her clothes. She wiggled out of her olive green BDU's, tossing them onto the floor, her standard issue black tee quickly following it. She leaned forward in her black sports bra and panties and stared at the screen.
From: Captain Anderson
Commander Shepard:
We've received intel regarding the death of Nihlus Kryik and the missing colonists on Eden Prime. Evidence points to the involvement of Saren Arterius. I've uploaded the intel to the Normandy. We want you to review and present to the Council immediately. Be warned, Saren may be present at the Citadel awaiting his next Spectre assignment.
Saren?! Shepard fell back against her chair in disbelief. The universe's most elite Spectre? The council's golden child? She pulled up the intel Anderson provided, green eyes scanning the screen as she analyzed the information. She had to admit, the evidence was quite compelling. Saren was accused of pulling the trigger on fellow Spectre, Nihlus. The dockworker who witnessed the act was questioned by Alliance officials who found the accusations to be sound. This led the Alliance to believe Saren also had something to do with the missing inhabitants of Eden Prime.
Saren might be there at the Citadel? She frowned and chewed her lower lip before pushing the comm button at her terminal. "Joker?"
"Commander?"
"Set a course for the Citadel," she instructed.
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Shepard clicked the straps of her leg armor, securing it in place, and marched up the ramp to visit her pilot. She put her hand on the back of Joker's chair and peered out at the Citadel through the Normandy's cockpit window.
"Okay, just so we are clear. You are going there to accuse Saren Arterius, right? THE Saren Arterius!?" Joker exclaimed as he peered up at Shepard, eyes wide.
"That's the one," she responded grimly. "We think he might have something to do with the events surrounding Eden Prime, so I'm just going to have a nice little chat with the Council about it."
"Oh man, this is huge!" Joker threw his hands into the air for emphasis. "Do you know he posed for Fornax circa 2160? It was the biggest selling issue! It was probably downloaded by a billion subscribers off the extranet. The guy totally pocketed a shit ton of credits for that!"
Shepard removed her hand from Joker's chair and shifted uncomfortably.
"Actually, Jeff, the Fornax issue in question sold approximately 50 billion copies in the Milky Way alone. Data for other known galaxies is insufficient due to illegal downloading," EDI interjected.
Joker shifted his gaze back to Shepard. "See?! Hey listen….would you be able to…" Joker reached for something under his seat and Shepard froze.
"Joker, please don't tell me that is what I think it is."
"Listen, if you could just get him to sign it…"
"WHAT!? Absolutely not! I am Commander Shepard. I am a respected Spectre. I can't just march up to Saren with Fornax Issue 2160SA and look him in those crazy, glowing eyes…." Her voice trailed off at Joker's expression.
"Wait, wait, wait a sec. How did you know what the issue number was?" Joker eyed Shepard suspiciously, adjusting the brim of his hat.
"Uh..what?" Shepard suddenly became very interested in the shoulder plating on her armor. "EDI said it."
Joker furrowed his brow. "No, she didn't." His grey eyes lit up. "Oh my god. You have a copy of the issue!" He sat forward in his chair and examined her flustered face. "Wait, are you….wearing LIP GLOSS?"
Shepard scowled and looked away, her face reddening. "What? No! I…" She sighed in defeat. "Just don't tell anyone, okay? I have to be professional about this. This is serious business."
"Yea? So is this!" Joker flicked his wrist and the centerfold of Saren popped out at her, the explicit Fornax pages flipping down one by one until it brushed the floor to reveal his fully nude portrait. Joker had somehow managed to get a physical copy of the issue. There was something about the colorful, glossy pages that eclipsed the holographic version you could store on your omni-tool.
Shepard froze and blinked at the image in front of her, hypnotized for only a moment before she came back to her senses. She shook her head and reached out for the magazine, glancing over her shoulder to be sure no one else was around. "Joker, are you crazy?!" she hissed. "Put that away!" It was true and she couldn't help but feel slightly ashamed; Shepard kept that edition of Fornax stowed away on every ship she ever served on. Hell, it got her through all the lonely nights in N-School. She would concoct various fantasies involving the Spectre, each one of them ending with her in Saren's bed. She knew she wasn't alone; she caught a few of the other young recruits giggling over a copy of it back in the academy. Even the xenophobic cadets couldn't deny that it was sexy.
Saren Arterius was a god.
"I mean, you can't deny it. The guy is a stud," Joker said, mirroring her thoughts. He pulled the magazine away from Shepard and gazed at the picture with a sigh.
"I have to agree with you, Jeff. His physical attributes are quite pleasing." EDI leaned over the arm of her co-pilot chair to get a better look at the centerfold. "Further analysis suggests his genitals are approximately 2.59 times the size of the average male Turian."
Joker shot EDI a look and hastily folded the pages back up, gently placing the magazine underneath his seat. He snorted, "It's not the size of the tool that matters, EDI. It's how you use it!" He looked over at the AI, a smug expression on his face.
EDI stared at Joker for a moment as she processed this. "Jeff, if what you say is true, then please explain why the phrase 'bigger is better' exists."
"I hate you."
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The sound of boots pounding the immaculate, marble floors of the Presidium turned heads as Shepard and her squad made their way to the Council. Her confident air didn't give away her inner thoughts; her stomach was in knots. What if Saren really was on the Citadel? It took a lot for Shepard to be unnerved. But coming face to face with the Turian? The temptation to reach out and touch her fantasy…the one person she quietly lusted after…
"He is here, Shepard," Tali said breathlessly, sending Shepard's nerves on fire.
"Where?" kaidan looked around, eyes narrowed.
Shepard spotted him, in all his magnificent glory, standing tall next to the Turian Councilor, Sparatus. His silver armor and sharp facial plates shone under the Citadel's manufactured sun giving him the appearance of a divine being. The two Turians were deep in conversation and Shepard felt a sudden wave of panic. What would he think of her? Could she keep her cool? She quickly smoothed her hair down to capture any strands that had escaped her signature bun and quietly smacked her lips together, spreading the pink gloss across her plump lips. Her eyes lingered over his form, appreciating his muscle tone and battle-scarred appearance. He looked to be in better shape than he had decades ago, if that was even possible.
A familiar beep pulled her from her thoughts. She glanced over at her squad mate and watched as Tali discreetly fiddled with her omni-tool behind her back. Suddenly Shepard realized what the sound had been. "Tali, are you….did you just turn on your vid camera?"
"Shepard," Sparatus purred when he spotted her. Shepard's attention snapped to the Turian and she nodded her head at him in acknowledgement, hands at her sides in true, military form. His mandibles flared as he approached her and gently took her hand in his. She silently chuckled at this; she always suspected that the councilor had a thing for her and she loved to play along.
Shepard smiled at Sparatus and covered his large, warm hand with her free one. "Councilor," she responded, returning his intense gaze under glossy eyelashes. She glanced at Saren behind the Councilor's shoulder warily, his bright, blue eyes glared at her condescendingly. Her stomach flipped. She shifted her eyes back to Sparatus. "I have some information I think you might want to see." She gently pulled back from the Councilor and held a hand out to Tali, awaiting the datapad that contained the evidence.
"Tali?" Shepard shook her hand in the air. There was no response.
"Tali? The datapad?" She turned and looked at her squad mate who was staring in the direction of the Turians.
"What? Oh! Oh, sorry Shepard!" Tali fumbled with the datapad she was holding, placing it clumsily into Shepard's hand. She tilted her head downwards and shifted around, nervously tapping at her omni-tool.
"Saren?! A traitor? Impossible. Your sources have been mistaken." The Councilor's mandibles slackened before tightening back up again, his eyes flashing angrily at the datapad.
"With all due respect, Sir, the Alliance questioned the witness thoroughly and followed all the necessary protocols," Shepard calmly responded. Saren hissed and tore the datapad from Sparatus's taloned fingers. He glanced at it briefly and snorted before throwing the datapad back at Shepard.
"Councilor," Saren snarled, "this is preposterous. The Council's investigation concluded that Nihlus Kryik was killed by an unknown hostile force. If the Alliance had done any kind of valid research into the matter they would have realized that I was sent there to investigate his murder."
Saren shoved past the Councilor and stood threateningly over Shepard, his nearly seven foot frame looming over her. He brought his face down to hers, eyes blazing. "I don't need to justify anything to YOU. I don't care if you are a Spectre; the Humans have no business in the Council's affairs."
She narrowed her eyes at him and without thinking, pointed a finger into his cowl. "Get out of my face." She felt his low growl vibrate through her and couldn't help but feel her body temperature rise; she was incredibly turned on by the closeness of him. He abruptly pulled away and bumped into her shoulder, walking past her and her crew.
"This is a waste of my time," he shouted harshly. "Councilor, please notify me when my next mission is available."
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The music was pulsing and Shepard breathed a sigh of relief as she entered Flux. Damn, she needed a drink. Sparatus had downloaded the intel from her, but expressed extreme doubt and annoyance. She had a feeling that the Alliance evidence wouldn't even be seen by the other Councilors. She spotted some of the Normandy crew sitting at a table and went over to join them. "Enjoy it while you can, folks. Shore leave ends in T minus ten hours!" She removed some of her gear to reveal a black tank top and a pair of green, standard issue BDU's, tossing the armor onto a chair at the table. She watched as Tali, Liara and Ashley made their way to the dance floor.
kaidan reached across the table and grabbed Shepard's arm. "Let's go, Commander," he said with a smirk.
Shepard snorted and grabbed the shot glass that was sitting in front of Wrex. "I'll need this first," she said before downing the green liquid, ignoring the Krogan's protests. Laughing, she followed kaidan to the middle of the club, joining up with the girls. For a moment, Shepard allowed herself to let loose, swaying to the upbeat, electronic music that buzzed through her body. Two hours and five shots later, Shepard felt completely uninhibited. Her hair, which had been freed from its bun, bounced along to the music.
She suddenly felt kaidan's breath on her neck. "Oh, great. Look who decided to crash the party," he grumbled in her ear.
Shepard followed kaidan's gaze towards the entrance.
Saren was here.
She felt excitement course through her. His piercing eyes were scanning the room, looking for something. His stare fell on Shepard and he remained unmoving while Shepard stared right back. She danced with even more vigor, making sensual movements with her body; she was putting on a show for him and she was too buzzed to care. After a moment, he jerked his head to the side indicating that she meet him in a quieter corner of the club. She turned to kaidan, "I'll be right back." She ignored his disapproving glare and made her way through the crowded dance floor.
Saren walked towards her, grabbing her arm roughly when they met, dragging her even further from the crowd. He pushed her up against the wall in a dark corner of the club. Shepard's heart started pounding and all she could think about was that god damned centerfold.
"Shepard," he said, voice deep and harsh, his grasp tightening on her. "I don't think I need to remind you that I am a Spectre. My work is for the good of the entire universe. The accusations you made earlier are not only insulting, but simply idiotic. Though I suppose I wouldn't expect any less from the Alliance," he spat out at her.
Not wanting to appear that she was being intimated, she allowed her gaze to trail down his body and slowly back up again to his pale, unmarked face. Saren's demeanor changed into something more aggressive.
"You know, Shepard," he drew out her name in a way that made her shiver. "I've been following your career since you began the ICT program in the Alliance." He forcefully moved a knee in between her legs to spread them apart and her breath hitched.
Shepard steeled herself. There was no way she would let him have so much control over her. "Is that so? Well, I've been following you, too." She gasped as Saren reached around to the back of her neck and jerked it to the side, leaving her throat exposed. He trailed his tongue lightly over her skin, feeling her racing pulse underneath. Shepard let out a soft moan. He took the opportunity to thrust his armored pelvis into Shepard's body, pleased with her response.
She boldly grabbed the back of his fringe, knowing very well what that does to Turian males, and whispered in his ear, "Do you know many times I've pleasured myself to your Fornax centerfold?"
A deep, aggressive growl erupted from Saren. "You know," he purred in her ear, "you are the first woman bold enough to bring that up to my face." He paused to smell the arousal coming off of her. It was intoxicating. "Most females; turian, human, asari, whatever the species may be, are intimidated by me and what I've done. But you…." His voice trailed off as he slid a razor sharp talon underneath her tank top strap, sliding it down off her shoulder. "It is what makes you so appealing to turians. Your strength, your fearlessness; qualities that we hold in high respect. The Councilor can barely keep his…attraction…for you in check. It is sickening the way he fawns over you," he snapped, eyes angry.
"You don't approve," Shepard stated, matter-of-factly. "You hate humans." Wanting to push his buttons, she lied, "Well then, you would hate to hear how Sparatus and I have gotten to know each other on a….personal level." Saren's eyes flashed angrily and the hand holding her waist tightened. "It's true what they say about turians. They are the best lovers," she murmured to him. She felt his body tighten up. Sensing her opportunity, she suddenly let out an exaggerated yawn, glancing at her omni-tool. "Wow, where did the time go? I think I'll go rent out a room for a few hours at that ritzy hotel in the Presidium. Get some sleep on a quality bed before I head back to the Normandy." She broke away from him, smirking when she felt his breath on the back of her neck; he was right on her heels.
Tomorrow she could go back to fighting Saren. But tonight? Tonight, she would finally live out one of those fantasies…