Lilies of the Valley
(picking up a small bit from the book Dragonfly in Amber, page 893)
Prologue
"Name him Brian", he said, "for my father". With a push, he sent me toward the opening.
But with that push, I grasped his hand in utter surprise, not even myself knowing it would happen.
"Claire"! Jaime stammered, the bitterness echoing in his voice. I know what I'd just said to him, that I would go, that I would cut out my heart and live without it for the sake of this child, but, something within me wouldn't let my carnal mind go forward with the decision.
"Jamie", my trembling voice cried out, "Jamie".
His stern look of pain from buildup of the situation was clearly present, as he held his hands on either of my shoulders with an undertone urgency saying go. The Red Coats weren't near this cottage, as they'd probably not concerned themselves with savaging the bouts around them as the eerie aura of depression and war filled the air.
I could help but continuing to cry. I wanted to die with my husband. I loved this brute, red headed Scot more than I could comprehend, though my actions of past hopefully had conveyed that live long message to him.
"Jamie", I sobbed again, as I could feel the flush of bitterness in my cheeks. He stared down at me waiting in the final moments of our lives to come to pass, it would seem.
"Come with me". Hearing myself say that, brought the slightest bit of light into my heart. In an alternate universe, none of this was reality, and both myself and my husband were free from this agony.
I clung to that gentle refuge as I begged him to consider such preposterous suggestions.
My heart could only feign bravado for so long.
"Claire", he muttered. The incapability of betraying promises and leaving debts with his life unpaid was clear upon his expression. I refused to accept it. I couldn't decline the attempt to try! I had to save my love.
My beloved. Jamie was going to live, and I was determined to make that happen! If he were going to die, I would, too! Damn this child if it meant a life without Jamie!
He didn't say anything. His composure had broken, as he bended his will to my request. I cupped his hand into mine, as tears continued to run down my face.
I couldn't stop it from happening. I guided him out of the door opening. In his large hand was his dirk, and I watched it as I pulled him the direction of the stones.
All we had to do was make our way and go toward that bloody, god forsaken hill.
To me, that hill was the epitome of my life's existence. Without it, I'd not no life's heaven, nor hell. I was obliged to it, but refused to go to it again if it would again cause me a second lifetime's worth of a heaven and hell. No, thank you!
And there we were. Jamie reluctantly followed me up, slowly, the mud from the damp hills were apparent on his boots, as we'd climbed inherently without care.
The infamous buzzing sound roused the memories that happened only a few years ago.
"Sassanach, it's no my place", he trailed off. Grief would strike me yet again at the breath of his words. I wouldn't have it! I was beginning to bloody sob again.
The coldness of the air and the heat of my run caused an unignorable throb in my temples.
"You could try", I choked back my tears. I grasped hold of my reluctant husband's hand and pulled him toward the forsaken stones of ancient.
The whirl of their cry and power sung to me like a forgotten song I'd been familiar with in a past life.
With all the strength of the moment I could muster, I clasped his hand tightly in my own, and with my free hand, I lifted my skirts to watch my steps. In the distance of our silences, we could hear explosions in the background.
"It has begun", he scowled. His eyes never left my face. He'd believed all the outrageous things I've told him about me and my accidental journey through time, but of all things, he was dead set on this being our end? How dare he!
"I love you", I swallowed, as I brought my tear ridden face to his, and brushed his lips lovingly with my own. I brought our mouths together in a possessive manner. I wanted more, and by God, I was going to have it.
"I love you", he'd repeated back to me. For once, I was glad he wasn't fighting me. In our gloom and distraught situation, with my bit of faith in what I was aiming to do, it brought warmth and gladness I could find freedom in.
It was almost as if I were reaching a bliss, such as when one reaches a sexual orgasm. A release of all worry, and a surrender to its pleasure was pretty much unavoidable in most instances – that was what my clinging hope was.
In that moment, I'd taken in what I assumed to be merely seconds, that felt like an entire lifetime's worth of a breath. I stared at Jamie Fraser. I looked at his face. I looked that the lines that built themselves into his features. I took in the sight of his beautiful eyes of the dark blue sky, that at some point sparkled with a light of passion and honour for life. I noticed the rough stubble that decorated his face. I noticed the worn and tattered appearance about him that I also carried. He looked so wise and intense in this moment. Though no sun had shined on this day, his existence was as brilliant as such. The eccentric excitement the colours of his hair sang even in the dimness of the clouds that overhung us, and it was beautiful. He stared back at me with just as much passion.
I took my free hand and brought it to his face and caressed his rough skin with no hesitation. I wanted him to feel, in this moment, the passion I'd had for him through my touch. He brought me in this time to his lips.
"Please, Jamie", I whispered as he drew back from me. I closed my eyes, and clung to the freedom of the hope sanctuary I'd created in my mind.
He didn't answer me, as I boldly begun guiding him toward the buzzing echo of the solid formation behind me.
His gaze never left mine, as we stared at each other, but continued moving. The cold breeze felt like a kind blessing from the world as a reminder that there is comfort to be found in the most unhappy of situations, as it cooled my face in the heat of the moment. One step, two step, three step… we continued our everlasting journey of steps toward the center of the stone circle, not leaving each other's eyes.
I suddenly realized the presence of what would be the exit to this misery of war. I heard it, hollering a buzz behind me as if I were in an opera house with no one filling it but myself and Jamie. I clung hard to his hand, as I guided our grasp to stone, and felt a fall into the nothingness of what all could and could not be.