Final Fantasy VII (it's title and all it's characters) belong to Square Enix, not us!
Final Fantasy VII Ultimate Survivor
Story by: Graysen Gardner
Typed by: Bonnie Gardner
Day 1
Charlie: Hello, I'm Charlie Gibson here from Good Morning America.
Diane: And I'm Diane Sawyer.
Charlie: We're here today live, to witness an historical event.
Diane: That's right, Charlie. Today the cast from the well beloved Final Fantasy VII will arrive to participate in the ultimate survivor, a daring challenge of wits, courage, and skill. It's ultimate survivor, Final Fantasy style.
Charlie: And we'll be part of the action bringing you exclusive interviews, daring competition, and history in the making. We're just waiting for our competitors to show up.
Diane: That's correct Charlie. But lucky for us we already have one contestant here, Cid Highwind. What do you say about going over and getting an interview Charlie?
Charlie: That would be wonderful Diane.
The two give that "I'm rich and you're not" laugh and head over to Cid. He's passed out, lying face down, on the warm sand near the shoreline. Charlie and Diane approach.
Diane: Cid, oh Cid. Wake up Cid.
Charlie: We'd like to get an interview, Cid.
Cid: W-what? What the hell's goin' on? Who the hell are you? H-hey what the #!$ are you doing! Get out of my damn house!
Charlie and Diane are taken aback and exchange glances. Diane seems a bit appalled, but keeps the smiles going.
Diane: Cid this isn't your house, it's a remote island.
Charlie: You must be lost, Cid. This is where the competition is taking place, the Ultimate Survivor. You and your companions will be taking place in this competition.
Cid: The only thing lost is your sorry ass! Now get those snooty asses out of my house damn it!
Again Charlie and Diane exchange glances. They hurriedly haul out of there, away from the unpleasant Cid.
Diane: Well, that didn't go as planned.
Charlie: It must be this hot weather, Diane.
Diane: Indeed,
A couple of hours later a plane arrives and nineteen other FF7 characters make their way up the beach towards Diane and Charlie. Sephiroth is the first to walk up to them. Like vultures waiting for that damn rabbit to die Charlie and Diane swoop in.
Charlie: The silver hair. You must be the one known as Sephiroth. We've heard of you. Tell us, how was your flight?
Diane: And tell us how you plan to win this competition. Our audience is just dying to know.
Sephiroth: Piss off, morons, that's how.
Charlie: Uh, Sephiroth you're on national television. Isn't there anything you'd like to say to the audience?
Sephiroth: Would die suffice?
Suddenly a voice ran out! Charlie, Diane, and Sephiroth all turned to see Cid running towards them! He stopped short in front of Sephiroth!
Cid: Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Hello Cid.
Cid stares at Sephiroth, Sephiroth stares at Cid. Cid then grabs a beer bottle that was in his rear pocket and smashes it against a nearby rock and runs at Sephiroth screaming in a swearing fury!
Cid: Damn you Sephiroth! Damn you to hell! F#$en die!
Sephiroth just stands there watching him. As he gets closer Sephiroth speaks.
Sephiroth: Cid, I can't believe you broke your Jake Daniels bottle just get back at me.
Cid quickly stops and stares at his now shattered bottle.
Cid: Oh shit you're right! Why! WHHHHHHHHY!
Charlie: Wow! Two minutes into the competition and already bad blood and dramatic loss!
Cid: Shut the hell up and get me some damn glue!
It was then that Cloud, Reno, Barret, and many other FF7 characters started heading up towards them.
Cloud: Whoa! What a dump!
Aeris: Oh come now Cloud. It's very lovely.
Reno: It's an eye sore. What do you think Rude?
Rude: It sucks.
Charlie and Diane quickly jump into the group of the FF7 characters.
Charlie: Ah so you're Reno of the Turks. Can we get an interview?
Reno: No.
Charlie: Hm, well how about you Rude?
Charlie quickly turns to Rude holding a microphone up to him.
Rude: Beat it.
Reno: Talk to idiot Cloud over there.
Diane: Excuse me?
Rude: He's a forgetful person.
Charlie and Diane shrug and quickly surround Cloud.
Diane: Hi Cloud.
Charlie: Can we get an interview?
Cloud: Hey! Hey! I'm here to eat dinner that's it, okay?
Reno: Hey watch this! Hey Cloud your shoe's untied.
Cloud: Hey thanks.
But though Reno has set his trap, Cloud never looks down at his shoes.
Reno: Well Cloud, aren't you gonna look down?
Cloud: Why would I want to do that?
Reno: Because I just told you your shoe's untied.
Cloud: My shoe's untied?
Reno glances at Charlie and Diane.
Reno: Well I didn't make him look as stupid as I wanted to, but I proved my point.
Cid: All right let's cut the crap! What the hell are we here for anyways!
Charlie: A competition.
Cid: Hey, I don't need a smart-ass, know it all intruder to lie to me tellin me it's for a competition!
Sephiroth: (turns to Cid) Cid it's a competition.
Cid: Oh. Hey a competition with my ol' buddies! This kindda sounds fun!
It was then that Cait Sith arrived.
Cait Sith: Hi guys! Get ready to have a fabulous time!
Cid: Oh crap.
Reno: You think that's bad? Try spending a five hour flight with it.
Cid: That's it I'm taking an overdose of vacaden.
Sephiroth: You know it ain't worth it.
To top it all off, Yuffie then appeared.
Yuffie: Hi guys!
Sephiroth: (turns to Cid with his hand out) Give me those.
Yuffie: Oh come on! With all of us back together who needs drugs?
Cid: I do.
Reno: Hey Cid can I get a few of those?
Charlie: Hey no drugs allowed on the island.
There was dead silence for a couple of seconds.
Cid: H-how the hell am I going to survive without drugs?
Reno: Come on Char, this aint one of those crappy jokes you pull on Good Morning Sweden, is it?
Charlie: It's Good Morning America and I tell funny jokes.
Rude: They're shitty.
It was then that the sound of a trumpet interrupted the dispute! From the plane came along red carpet and everybody, but Cait Sith, dodged out of the way. Then Tseng, the man in charge of the four Turks, came running out of the plane!
Tseng: All hail the mighty Rufus!
Reno: Lord Rufus!
Rude: Master Rufus.
Rufus: Hi all. Long time no see.
As Rufus made his way down the red carpet towards the others he hit a bump, it was Cait Sith. Rufus stopped in his tracks.
Rufus: Tseng.
Tseng: Yes sir?
Rufus: What the hell is this lump here?
Tseng: Nothing we can't fix, right men?
Reno: We can be of service.
Rude: Gladly.
Within seconds the three Turks stared beating the crap out of the "lump."
Rufus: It doesn't seem to be working.
Tseng: Requesting one more minute, sir.
Rufus: Request granted. Take your time.
Reno: Maybe if we attack it from a different angle…
Rude: I'm game.
A punch from Rude, a kick from Tseng, and E.M.R. from Reno dislodged the pitiful Cait Sith.
Cloud: Wow! Look at the size of that rock.
Sephiroth: Cloud don't be stupid. It's just that waste of life Cait Sith.
Close by Charlie and Diane were shouting out questions to Vincent, Barret, Hojo, Aeris, and Average Soldier who had just got off the plane.
Charlie: How was your flight, Vincent?
Diane: And how are you planning to help your team win, Barret?
Charlie: Did you enjoy first class, Hojo? What about you Miss Aeris?
Diane: Please Vincent look into the camera!
But Vincent would have none of it. He took his sawed off shotgun, raised it into the air, and fired off two bullets!
Vincent: If you want to live long enough to see next year I suggest you leave me alone.
But Cid quickly broke in.
Cid: That's it! Everyone out!
Cloud: What?
Reno: Uh…
Cid: I will not have gunplay in my house damn it!
Then Cid grabbed for his spear!
Aeris: Oh my god!
Barret: He'll do it.
Sephiroth: He's loco.
Tseng: PROTECT RUFUS!
Cloud: Wow, a starfish!
Reno: Bring it on old man!
Rude: Shall I help?
Reno: No, stay close to Rufus.
Rude: (nods) On second thought I'll stay close to Rufus.
It was all Cid and Reno. Who would be victor? Reno clutched his EMR ready to strike at any time. Cid was in a drunken bottle fury mode with his spear held high. Reno quickly charged trying to catch Cid off guard! But then something unexpected happened!
Charlie: Hold it!
Charlie Gibson had jumped right in front of Reno to stop the fight! He glanced at both men to make sure they had stopped their attacks!
Reno: What the hell are you doing old man! Never get between a wolf and his prey!
Charlie: Look there is no figh……
But before Charlie could finish Reno had electrocuted him! Charlie was now lying on his back motionless! All of the FF7 characters that had made it off the plane circled around him!
Sephiroth: Damn…
Vincent: Darkness now has him.
Rude: Way to go dude! Ya fried 'em!
Aeris: Oh my he's not breathing!
Rufus: Excellent.
Cloud: Guys the starfish ain't moving.
Barret: Would you shut up about the stupid starfish!
Cloud: What starfish? Hey look a starfish!
Diane: Oh my god! Does anybody know CPR?
Tseng: Ya did the right think Reno.
Reno: Hell yah! Score one for the Turks!
Rude: Damn straight!
Diane: What do you mean by that?
Tseng: The dude's dead.
Sephiroth: It would be funny if it twitched.
Diane: He's not an "it".
Cid: It is now.
Average Soldier: Well one less burden on this island.
Diane: I can't believe what you guys are saying! How could….
But before Diane could start her speech Yuffie and Cait Sith broke their way into the circle.
Yuffie: Hey guys!
Cait Sith: What are ya lookin at?
It was if a bad odor just hit the area. The FF7 characters left the scene leaving Yuffie and Cait Sith to talk amongst themselves. Several hours later the characters, along with the others that had come off the plane; Zack, Jenova, Scarlet, Tifa, Red XIII, and Elena, met at the center of the island to make teams.
Diane: We are here for today's competition, but before we begin, we must mourn the loss of the beloved Charlie Gibson.
Turks: (coughing)
Diane: In honor of him we will bow our heads and give a moment of silence.
Cid: (burp)
Sephiroth: Sweet.
Aeris: Shhh!
Suddenly the sound of a wrapper being opened could be heard.
Tifa: Cloud!
Cloud: What?
Aeris: Shhh!
Cloud: Hey I brought these corn nuts for a reason and that's to eat them.
Tifa: Well do you have to eat them now?
Cloud: Eat what? Hey corn nuts!
Diane: Would you all shut up!
Reno: Whoa! What crawled up your butt and died?
Diane: Hey I don't want to hear another word from you mister!
Sephiroth: Can we just make the teams already?
Cid: Yeah my ass is starting to ache!
Diane: All right! All right! You're all lucky I'm not the violent type.
Tseng: (sarcastic) Oh yeah that would be scary.
Diane was pissed, but because she was on television she didn't do anything drastic. She just pulled out a card and read what was on it.
Diane: Team one will be: Reno, Rude, Rufus, Tseng, and Elena. Team two will be: Cloud, Sephiroth, Aeris, Tifa, and Cait Sith.
Sephiroth: Crap!
Cloud: Crap!
Tifa: Crap!
Aeris: No!
Diane: Uh….okay. Team three will be: Cid, Vincent, Barret, Red XIII, and Hojo. And finally team four will be: Yuffie, Scarlet, Average Soldier, Zack, and Jenova. You will be allowed ten minutes to make up a team name then you will be assigned your huts.
The teams quickly got together to discuss the names.
Diane: Well as a reporter we are going to try and get a look into these conversations.
Diane and the cameraman rushed over to team three where Barret was giving his opinion.
Barret: I think we should be called AVALANCHE!
Cid: How about no!
Hojo: You know what I think?
Vincent: Shut up old man! No one wants to know what you think!
Hojo: Hey listen here I'm the scientist, I think I know what's best for the team!
Red XIII: You're a quack!
Hojo: Am not!
Vincent: Quack! Quack! Quack!
Hojo: Shut up you're hurting me mentally!
Vincent: Serves you right you bastard!
Diane and the cameraman retreat.
Diane: Getting a little too violent over there. What do you say we check out team two?
They dash over to team two to see what's going on.
Cait Sith: The Golden Saucer!
Aeris: The Tulips!
Tifa: The AVALANCHE!
Sephiroth: SHUT UP!
Aeris: No, that's a rude name.
Sephiroth: No, I mean SHUT UP!
Cloud: I think shut up is a good name.
Sephiroth: Shut up Cloud!
Cloud: Hey I'm no team leader. Put someone else's name in it.
Sephiroth:…I need a drink.
Diane: Let's go over to team four.
They switch gears and head over to the other side of the room.
Yuffie: The Ninjas!
Scarlet: The Rich and Beautiful!
Average Soldier: The Others.
Zack: That's cool, the Others.
Average Soldier: Jenova what's your opinion?
Jenova was in a corner tweaking out.
Jenova: You will suffer! Everyone will suffer and die! You will beg your killer for your life, but he will kill you anyway and your body will never be found! You'll be lost and tortured souls. Heh, heh, heh….
Zack: Dude that thing needs help.
Average Soldier: Or a diary.
Diane: Well, were just about out of time. Let's go check out one more team then we'll leave.
Diane and the cameraman now head towards the Turks. But the Turks weren't discussing their name; in fact they were doing noting for that matter. Reno and Rude were playing cards with the others sat nearby.
Diane: What are you doing?
Reno: Black Jack. Hit me.
Rude: Bust.
Reno: Shit.
Diane: Watch your language you're on television.
Reno: So, don't you have that beep button thing?
Diane: Well…yes. Anyways, aren't you going to discuss your team name?
Tseng: What's there to discuss?
Diane: How do you mean?
Reno: What do you mean "how do you mean"?
Diane: What?
Rude: Exactly, go away.
Diane: Why?
Rufus: Leave!
Diane: NO!
The room was dead silent now, all except for Jenova who kept ranting on how everyone was going to die.
Rufus: Excuse me, I must have heard you wrong. What did you say?
Diane didn't say a word more. Neither did she dare move. The only movement in the room was Reno reaching for his EMR and Rude, Tseng, and Elena popping their knuckles. Luckily for Diane the cameraman was there.
Cameraman: Nothing, she said nothing.
Rufus: That's what I thought.
Diane didn't speak for the next couple of minutes and everyone was able to take a deep breath. Eventually Diane had to ask the team for their names.
Diane: Team one what's your…
Rufus: Turks.
Diane: Team two?
Sephiroth: Bad Blood.
Cloud: Hey I thought we were going to be "Shut up".
Sephiroth: I wish you would.
Diane: Team three?
Cid: Dark and Scary. hiccup
Vincent: I envy the dead.
Diane: Team four?
But when Diane looked over to team four Yuffie and Scarlet were tied up and gagged.
Zack: The Others.
Jenova: DIE YOU HEAR! DIE!
Zack: Dude shut her up!
Average Soldier: I'm trying, but she's scary!
Diane: Will you all just SHUT UP! I want to assign hut so I don't have to talk to you anymore!
Sephiroth: Damn woman!
Aeris: How can you be so rude?
Reno: It's easy! Just say what's on your mind.
Aeris: I think you're all big bullies.
Rude: Oooh ouch.
Tseng: Harsh dude.
Rufus: I'm tired. I need something to sleep on.
Tseng: Assign the huts A.S.A.P! Master Rufus is tired!
Diane: Team one you'll have the north hut, team two east hut, team three south hut, and team four west hut.
Reno: Finally some peace and quiet around here.
Rude: You said it.
To be continued…
By the way, Average Soldier, if you didn't already figure it out, is one of Shinra's many lower class Soldiers.