Hello. This one-shot does not contain any slashy goodness except the occasional references/hints to Remus's crush on Sirius. If that bothers you, don't read it. :)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the Wonderful J.K. Rowling, no infringement intended, and certainly no profit is being made. The title (Crown of Scars) is from a Lifehouse song so credit goes to Jason Wade. Who, by the way, is my god. :)
Enjoy the cheese!
Crown of Scars
Remus is the one who waits by the fireplace every stormy night when Sirius decides to go outside and drown his ocean of angst in the bloody lake. Later, much later when it is nearing dawn, when the fire has long since died and when Remus has frozen his bollocks off, Sirius walks in the dark Common Room and tiptoes up to the dormitories so as not to awake anyone. He doesn't notice the pair of wary eyes watching him carefully, measuring his each step, and then fluttering close once the dormitory door closes behind him, knowing that he is well safe tucked in his warm bed.
It is Remus who stashes loads full of treats in his friends' drawers, making sure Sirius doesn't starve himself to death when it's too dark to sneak out and too exhausting to do so anyway. It is Remus who learns all the complicated spells to make sure his friends don't blow themselves up. Even though he jokes it would be quite a sight. I'd be doing the world a favor, he says, but his smile gives him away. There is something about his smile. It is beautiful but not amazing. Amazing is Sirius. The way the corners of Sirius's mouth turn up and the sunlight falls on his face, illuminating his perfect sharp features, making his gray eyes glow and seem not so hollow.
Remus can't do that, though he would bloody well love to do Sirius.
There are so many things Remus can't do. So he sits in his bed, unwrapping yet another Chocolate Frog, and makes a List. A List of Things Remus Can Do. He feels like a teenage girl, sitting there biting his quill for inspiration and getting chocolate all over it in the process. He is almost about to give up and cry, cry for the hundredth time for how useless he is, when Sirius walks in, all beauty and perfect glory. Hi, he says, and Remus quickly hides the blank List under the quilt, knowing full well he is too late, but he is safe. Sirius wouldn't ask. Not that Remus knew this, but Sirius has way too many secrets of his own to expect others to tell him theirs. And he's not a bloody girl, Remus tells himself. He doesn't cry over Lists, or make Lists in the first place. God. That is Remus's job. Oh, he's so good at it too.
What are you doing, Sirius asks, leaning against the doorframe. Why aren't you down for breakfast yet? Remus blushes, then eyes the empty wrappers of Chocolate Frogs beside him, and looks up at Sirius guiltily. Sorry, he says, looking away too quickly, and brushes his hand through his mousy brown hair. Sirius crosses the distance between them and takes a seat beside Remus, helping himself to a Chocolate Frog. It's fine, why are you apologizing, I just came to check. You're not sick, are you? The full moon isn't for another two weeks. Sirius looks at him for any signs and then surprises Remus when he brings his head closer and sniffs. Actually sniffs like Padfoot would.
Remus freezes. What's wrong, he manages to ask, do I smell? Sirius pulls away at that and looks at him again, his eyes shining with suppressed amusement, and bursts out laughing when he sees Remus is not joking. It's that laugh. The one Remus can't do. The voice in Remus's head screams how fucking incomplete and useless he is, compared to the divine god sitting beside him, and Remus wants to ask the voice which side it is on, but he just bloody can't because he is too scared to hear the answer.
When Sirius stops laughing, his expression changes entirely. His eyebrows furrow and his mouth twitches, he looks worried . And Remus hates that look on his face, because he doesn't want Sirius to worry – not about himself, not about his family, and much less about Remus. So Remus pushes the voice in his head aside, at least for the now, and fakes a smile, knowing it's not even close to achieving the perfection of Sirius's Amazing Smile. Sirius still looks worried and Remus wants to ask what's wrong, and there are just so many things Remus wants but he never does them, so this time he does and he regrets it instantly.
Sirius doesn't answer. He continues looking at him with that same measured expression, goodness knows what he's thinking, and then finally opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Instead he reaches out with his flawless hand and pulls back Remus's quilt, before the latter can stop him, and uncovers The List. Sirius does not avert his clear gray eyes from Remus's face all this while, and suddenly Remus feels ever so self-conscious. Of his faint scars, his pale complexion, his lack of freckles, which is almost funny because Sirius doesn't have freckles either, but it's just not because Sirius is about to discover how stupid Remus really is. And stupid is not funny.
Sirius shifts his gaze long enough to make Remus comfortable and long enough to read Remus's neat handwriting on the piece of parchment that is The List. Of course there is no actual listing done (yet) but it is still The List and Remus doesn't know why he isn't stealing it away from Sirius' sight so he just sits there observing his Apparently-Very-Interesting-and-Useful fingers. And there it was again. That perfect laugh. Remus' insides leap around like it is some awful roller coaster ride and his eyes glance up, scared and hesitant, to sneak a look at Sirius's all too perfect face. Not hesitant to look at him, no. Remus would do that even without an excuse. He liked his eye candy. But he doesn't know why Sirius is laughing, oh of course he does. He is stupid and he deserves to be laughed at. Who wouldn't?
Sirius sees the concerned look on his face and catches his breath between the silent laughs. You, he says, are silly. Remus cringes but recovers: Not too bad, Silly is better than Stupid, he convinces himself and looks up again. Sirius is chuckling to himself and slowly tearing The List to pieces. What are you doing, Remus asks unable to hide his curiosity.
Well, Sirius answers, if we're going to list everything our beloved Remus can do … He pauses to tear the parchment into even smaller bits, and continues: The first thing we need to do is find the longest parchment in the world. With that, Sirius smiles his Amazing smile and ruffles Remus' hair, getting up to head downstairs. The roller coaster in Remus' stomach finally comes to a stop and he is just too breathless after the ride to say anything, or even think. So he listens to the voice in his head that tells him he might not be useful and exciting but he is certainly a girl, and Remus decides he doesn't really mind being this girl.