Disclaimer: I am not Capcom, therefore the characters are not mine. Thank goodness, or I'd strangle one of them. :D
Notes: This is not actually why Phoenix doesn't drive in my corner of the ficverse - but akatonbo asked once if it was, and we both laughed really hard, so it had to be written.
Warnings: Contains BUTZ LOGIC, which just isn't good for anyone. Except Larry.
License to Turnabout
"So today's the big day, huh, Nick?" Larry shifted restlessly from one foot to the other - far be it from him to stand still, even in a slow-moving line. "Finally going through with it... It's about time."
Phoenix nodded proudly. "Yep - just one road test standing between me and my license," he confirmed. "Hey, thanks again for letting me borrow your car."
"No problem! I mean, my car's sort of a beater anyway," Larry admitted, folding his arms. "How come you didn't get it back when we were sixteen? Or when you turned eighteen? Me, I couldn't wait."
"...I don't really remember..." Phoenix frowned. "I guess I just never got around to it." It sure seemed like he'd had a reason, but he couldn't quite remember...
"Fair enough - there's a lot of things in my life I never got around to. Like graduating. If I never got around to graduating, I guess I can't really call you a loser for never getting around to getting your driver's license."
Was Larry actually comparing the two? ...Even if he was, Phoenix knew there was no sense arguing with Larry about priorities. "I guess not."
"So?" Done with the philosophizing for the moment, Larry acquired that bright grin again. "What kind of car are you going to get?"
"I dunno..." Someone at the head of the line finished, and Phoenix took a step forward, Larry following. "Nothing special, I guess. The loans I had to take out for law school are just incredible - I don't want any other big monthly payments until after I'm done and can actually take clients. So as long as I get something that can last a few years, I don't really care too much what I'm driving. After that, though..." He gave a confident nod. "A whole new chapter of my life's going to begin, Larry. I'm sure of it."
"Dude, a whole new chapter of my life's beginning right now!" Larry said excitedly. "I mean, do you have any idea how awesome my life's going to be, now that you're going to have a driver's license?"
"..." Phoenix had a feeling that he shouldn't ask, but the standard Butz logic was usually at least worth a laugh. "How exactly is your life going to be improved by me having a driver's license?"
"Do you even have to ask?" Larry gave him a big thumbs-up. "You can drive me places!"
"Larry," Phoenix pointed out patiently, "you already have your own license, and a car."
Larry nodded. "So?"
"So you can already drive yourself wherever you need to go."
"True, true," Larry acknowledged with a nod, as they took another step forward, towards the DMV counter. "But I'm not talking about driving places I need to go - you can drive me to places I want to go."
"...Huh?"
"Like you can drive me and my girl and all our other buddies to the bar!" Larry exclaimed. "It'll be great! We'll totally be hanging out all the time again, like we used to!"
"Uhm, Larry?" So far, the Butz logic was escaping Phoenix. "Did you forget that I don't drink?"
"No, see, that's why you'd drive us to the bar, see? Right now, one of us has always gotta be the designated driver, and that sucks. Especially after we've had a few drinks and forget which one of us it was..."
"...Yeah, I imagine it would." Phoenix didn't think he liked the direction that the Butz logic was headed.
"But once you have your license," Larry explained, "with you being all lame and responsible and everything, we've always got a designated driver! Every single freakin' night, the rest of us can party down without worrying about it, because you can drive!"
"Okay, hold it, Larry," Phoenix began, hurriedly trying to intercept the Butz logic with real logic. "I'm in law school. I'm taking a double course load so I can get it done with faster. Every night, I'm not going to be going out to the bars to watch everybody else drink - I'm going to be at home, in my own room, studying my butt off."
"S'okay - you can study your butt off while we're partying our butts off, dude!"
"No way." Phoenix was firm. "I'm going to be studying for the bar, not at the bar. Any butts - or Butz, as the case may be - who are intending to get partied off are going to have to get their own ride."
"But Nick!" Larry protested... Then his face lit up again. "Okay, I know what we should do!"
Phoenix had a feeling he wasn't going to like this. "What should we do, Larry?"
"First, you buy a mobile home," Larry began. "Then you can drive everyone to the bar... and study in your own room while you wait!"
"That's something I would be doing," Phoenix pointed out. "Why did you say it's something we should do, if I'd be paying for it and doing all the work?"
"Aw, Nick - I'd do my part." Larry looked wounded.
"What's your part, then?"
"I'd help you paint big daisies all over it," Larry said, with another thumbs-up, "and write 'Wright Way 2 Party' on the front!"
"...I think I'll have to decline your generous offer," Phoenix told him. The line moved again, and he stepped forward.
"But why?" Larry inquired. "Daisies are schweet. Plus, you'd be the most popular boring goody-two-shoes ever."
"I'm already working towards that goal," said Phoenix. "Remember? I'm studying to become a lawyer."
Larry considered. "...Oh yeah. You've got a point."
"And I'm not going to be driving anyone to the bar," Phoenix stated again.
"...Okay." Oddly enough, Larry smiled.
"Even myself," Phoenix added.
"S'all right."
Phoenix looked at him, suspicious. It wasn't like Larry to just give in like that... and that disconcertingly innocent smile was still in place. "I'm probably just going to be up all night, every night, reading and writing papers," he added, in case Larry still hadn't gotten the point.
"Awesome." Larry was still grinning.
The line moved forward again, and Phoenix supposed he really did have to ask. "...Why do you think that's 'awesome', Larry?"
"Because if you're up all night every night already," Larry reasoned, "you'll be awake when I call you for a ride home after the bar closes."
Phoenix thought about this for a second, and wondered if there was a way to erase his number from Larry's cell phone contacts list without him noticing.
"And since you're a total prude about girls-"
"What?" Phoenix exclaimed. "I'm not a prude - I-I'm a gentleman!"
"Prude, gentleman, whatever. Point is, if I meet some hottie at the bar and she comes home with me, and we start getting it on in the back seat - well, you're a good guy, Nick. I know you wouldn't be watching us in the rearview mirror."
"..." Phoenix was sure the expression on his face had to be an interesting one. "Who would want to do that?"
"Smokey does it every time he drives," Larry replied. "And he cackles, all high-pitched. It's kind of distracting."
That was pretty much how the guy always acted, from what Phoenix remembered of the guy from the brief period of high school before he dropped out. And took Larry with him. Suddenly he remembered that graduation party he'd been invited to, just before his eighteenth birthday... where probably no one in attendance was graduating. "You know, Larry, there's these things called taxis..."
"Nope, taxis are no good," Larry stated. "Last time we did that, it was a total disaster. Benji like, puked all over the back seat, and the driver got all mad and made us pay extra so he could get it cleaned. The company stopped sending taxis out to that bar. Especially since it was like the third time in a month that happened."
The line moved forward again. There were only about three people left in front of him now...
"But if it was you driving," Larry said brightly, "we wouldn't be paying anyway, and you could just clean it up yourself! Easier on everyone that way!"
Yeah, he definitely remembered that party now, and the ride home, and the road test that had been scheduled for the next week... "Uh oh!" Phoenix said abruptly, slipping a hand into his back pocket.
"Huh? What's wrong, Nick?"
"Oh wow. Man. I can't believe I was so stupid." Phoenix muttered, pulling out his wallet and flipping through it.
"What'd you do?" Larry asked, peering at the contents.
"I forgot my license," Phoenix explained, going through the wallet again. "Man, Larry... they're never going to let me drive on the road if I don't have my license."
"...But..." Larry's head tilted in confusion. "Isn't someone from the DMV going to be with you?"
"Yeah, exactly - if someone from the DMV finds out I'm driving without a license, I'm really in trouble."
"Whoa..." A look of awe slowly passed across Larry's face. "You're right."
Phoenix folded his wallet and shoved it back into his pocket, stepping out of line and heading for the door. "Wow... Sorry, Larry - I dragged you all the way out here, and now it looks like I can't take my road test."
"That really bites, Nick." Larry nodded sympathetically as he followed. "Well, you can reschedule it, right?"
Phoenix shook his head. "You have to wait about three years between scheduled road tests."
"No way!"
"Seriously. It's the law," Phoenix said solemnly. "It'll be three years before it would do any good for you to call me for a ride home. Seems like forever, huh?"
"Sure does, but I guess you'd know..." Larry mused. "Since you're going to be a lawyer and all."
It would have been nice to be able to drive to his classes and internship, Phoenix thought as he climbed into the passenger seat. But his good old trusty bicycle... no one was going to ask him for a ride home from the bar on that.