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A/N: Written for the prompt, "You're standing in my doorway/Though he's asleep in my bed/The steady murmur/Always in my head/You're the finest thing I've ever done/The hurricane I'll never outrun/I could wait around for the dust to still/But I don't believe it ever will".
1 AM
The cell phone is ringing, I notice, it's my phone even though it's over to his side of the bed, and as I reach for my phone I make sure not to wake him. He's lying quietly in his sleep, his expression unguarded, almost innocent. The sliver of moonlight peeking through the half-drawn curtains illuminates his pale skin, white against the silken sheets, flawless skin stretched over the perfectly sculpted muscles. He could be a work of art, I muse, a sculpture made to capture the perfect beauty.
My eyes still on him, on his sleeping face, I flip the phone open and answer, quietly, quietly, so as not to startle him in his sleep. I know it's you, it couldn't be anyone but you, there are only two people in the world who would ever call me at this time of the night and the other one is currently asleep beside me.
"Senri," I say quietly, and for a moment I could swear he's stirring, shaken awake by the echo of the name he still hasn't come to tolerate. He calms down, though, and I breathe a bit easier.
"Kippei," you reply, your voice smooth and soft, and it sends a shiver down my spine. I feel guilty but I can't help it, you still have that effect on me don't you, even after all these years.
You start talking, then, you always could talk without needing me to answer couldn't you, and I indeed don't answer because I don't want him to wake. Your voice is as familiar as my own, buzzing in my ears so comfortingly, and in the silence of the night your voice is suddenly louder than his quiet breaths beside me.
One word is all it would take, isn't it. One word, and you'd take me back, you'd take me back as though I never went away at all. For a moment I'm tempted, so tempted to say it, tell you I'll come back to you. But he's sleeping beside me, and I hesitate, the words never getting out.
It wouldn't work anyway, would it; you'd be with me for a while and then leave again, nobody could ever tie you down, not even I. You're like the wind, aren't you, sooner or later you'd be leaving again because even though you love me you won't allow me to burden you.
You don't need me. You want me, true, you want me and love me and would welcome me to you, but you don't really need me. He needs me, though, needs someone who can see past the surface, see past Atobe and find the Keigo inside. And I need him, his love, his touch, his voice. I need to see him asleep beside me, knowing he won't leave, not he.
I'll always love you, Senri. You'll always be a part of my life, whether you want it or not. But I can't be yours, not anymore. I couldn't stand to lose you again, to be left behind again. I couldn't follow you and we both know it, he may call me fire but I still need something stable, something that will stay the same, and demanding that of you would kill you.
I listen to your voice, and for the moment you are the only thing I'm thinking of, the only one I remember, and I'm aching to be yours again, to come back to you and be yours even if I know it wouldn't last. You know this, you must know, I hear it in your voice, in the little pauses in your flood of words. Again I open my mouth to speak, to say it, to finally make it like past again, but I know that time is gone and I can't bring it back even if I wanted to, time has gone on and we both have to do the same.
Even as you end the call and I whisper goodnight, your voice still echoes in my head, filling my thoughts. I stare at the phone in my hand even as the screen goes dark again, wondering just why I'm still here, why I'm left alone in the darkness as your voice fades away.
There's a soft sigh at my side and I remember, flipping the phone shut as I turn to look at him. I don't know how much time has passed but the moon has moved outside the window, the beam of light now illuminating his face, the long lashes and sharp eyebrows and stray locks of hair all shining like silver in the pale light. His skin is even paler than usually, the purest white I've ever seen, the dark mark of his tear mole almost startling in contrast. His mouth is a bit ajar, soft breaths passing between his lips, and I find myself tempted to press a kiss on those lips.
I resist the temptation, though, not wanting to wake him, and I merely stretch my arm over him to set my phone on the nightstand again. I gather him close after that, running a hand through his fine hair as though to reassure him I'm still there, I haven't left. Or perhaps it's myself I'm reassuring, reminding my heart just why I linger here, why it's him in my arms and you calling me at night even as I feel his breath against my skin.
He is there, his body warm and comforting in my arms, but even as I close my eyes I still hear your voice, I still hear your words, and I wish oh I wish I was stronger or at least my heart was whole.
But my heart is torn in two, it's for you and it's for him, and most days I'm not sure who has the stronger grip on me but it's still he who sleeps next to me and I won't let go, I cannot.
I love you, but I am in love with him.