A.N. Post-ep 14X13, Chameleon
Shaken and Stirred
David Rossi walked off the sixth floor elevator landing of the Quantico building for the second time in the same day. This morning, he'd had to force himself to exit the lift. But this time, he left it with his customary, purposeful stride, his mind replaying a scene from hours ago, when he'd spotted his youngest companion at work in the conference room.
"How many hours of sleep have you gotten in the past few days?"
"I missed something. I don't know how, but I missed something."
The younger man hadn't even answered him, so intent had he been on the task he'd assigned himself. And Rossi had been so off his own game that he'd just let it go, and wandered back out of the room, and into his office, where Emily Prentiss had been lying in wait, to send him home.
I wonder if she sent young Spencer home as well.
If she had, it hadn't had any more lasting an effect than his own banishment had. A quick glance toward the conference room, and Rossi could make out the shadow of the tall, slim figure of their genius profiler.
At least he pulled the blinds this time. Applauding the meager attempt to defy authority.
Rossi stopped at his office long enough to drop off the briefcase he'd brought along to this evening visit, more by habit than anything else. Then he made his way back to the conference room, for the second time today.
"Are you still here, or here again?"
Reid barely looked over at him, but was aware enough to ask, "How are you doing?"
Which told Rossi all he needed to know.
"Well, I'm doing better than the first time you asked me that question, a few hours ago."
"Huh?"
Rossi crossed the room to his young colleague, retrieving the file folder from his hand. That seemed to get Reid's full attention.
"I was just looking at that," reaching out as though expecting Rossi to give it back. But the senior profiler had no such intention.
"You didn't answer my question. Are you still here, or here again? Have you left the building at all in the past three days?"
Reid was defensive. "I had work to do."
"So you haven't left." Rossi pulled out a chair, and indicated that his companion should do the same. "May I ask what you were hoping to accomplish by working straight through the weekend?"
Reid reluctantly took his seat. Not that he was willing to admit it, but he'd exhausted himself. Standing was his go-to way of staying awake. Sitting was likely to put an end to his effort. But he respected Rossi too much to defy him.
"I missed it. I know it had to be there, but I missed it. So I was looking for what I'd missed."
"Which was?"
"What?"
"What, exactly, did you miss?"
His young colleague appeared to be frustrated by the question.
"I…you know. I missed the connection. I didn't realize she was his daughter. I didn't even realize how many others he'd killed. I should have known he would set a trap for us, even before I saw all of those masks."
Rossi tented his fingers, and tapped them together, as he looked at his junior colleague. He'd come back to the BAU this evening specifically to have this conversation, but now that he was in it, he had to pray for wisdom.
Maybe that's why this is my go-to thinking position. Okay, wisdom, time to show up.
"Aren't you part of a team? Aren't we both part of one?" Having had to be reminded of it himself, from time to time. "Why are you bearing the responsibility of it?"
Reid thought he knew where Rossi was going, and tried to head him off.
"I know that none of us operates alone. I just….I think I should have seen it."
"Why you?"
"Because I was the one looking at the whole picture. The others were investigating pieces, and it was my job to put it together. I just didn't. I didn't do my job."
Rossi nodded silently, not in agreement with Reid, but acknowledging the correctness of his own suspicion of what had been troubling the BAU's youngest member.
"And now, you're wondering if you can't do the job any more."
That Reid didn't immediately deny it spoke volumes to Rossi. So the elder statesman pressed his point.
"You're thinking that you've lost something. Maybe an edge, maybe an few ounces of insight…"
"And look what it nearly cost you!"
Rossi's brows went up at the acknowledgement, at the same time that he felt the adrenalin rush, yet again, at the memory of what he'd endured. It was that rush, and his own sense of failure, that had pointed him back toward Quantico tonight. He had to take a few seconds to gather himself, before responding.
"Nearly, Spencer. Nearly. But I'd be lying if I told you it hadn't given me pause."
He had the younger man's attention.
"There was a moment when I couldn't breathe, and things started to go black. I was aware enough to think that might be it, that I would die in that field. And the next thing I knew, I was coming to, all alone."
Reid's voice was quiet. "He let you live."
Rossi nodded, his hand involuntarily rubbing his throat.
"He did. That's what I spent the weekend thinking about. That, but for the whim of an unsub, I would have died. He held the power of life or death over me."
Rossi's words were met with uncharacteristic silence, telling him that he'd reached the right conclusion about his young friend.
"You know that feeling, don't you?"
"That was a long time ago." Too quick to answer.
"I'm not talking about the case in Georgia. I'm talking about something much more recent. The thing that's got you lacking confidence in yourself right now."
Reid's jaw worked at something, and Rossi nearly relented. But he'd come back for a reason, and he was looking at that reason right now.
"Your career almost ended a few years ago. Your life was turned upside down. And that also happened at the whim of an unsub."
"It wasn't the same thing."
"No, it wasn't. But it had the same effect. I spent most of the weekend thinking I was washed up, that I'd lost my edge. I hadn't been fast enough, or strong enough, and I thought that meant I was no good to the team anymore. No good to the effort."
"You can't think that, it's wrong! He took you by surprise in that field, that's all. It could have happened to any of us."
"Exactly."
Seeing the puzzlement in Reid's expression, Rossi explained.
"I lost confidence because I was shaken by the experience of nearly dying, and I blamed myself. To this pair of aging eyes, it looks like that's what happened to you as well."
Reid shook his head. "It's not the same."
"Isn't it? I was physically bested, you were intellectually bested."
"But you were at a disadvantage, in that field. Trust me, I can relate to that better than anyone. Maybe we are talking about Georgia, after all."
"I'll concede there are parallels. But that's not what this conversation is about. You were intellectually bested by a woman who had the assistance of someone on the NSA's shortlist of nefarious geniuses, along with a few mere mortals. That wasn't you. It was them. And none of it changed who you are, nor what you bring to this team. From the outside looking in, I would say you've been more demanding of yourself than anyone else would ever dream to be of you, because you've lost confidence."
Reid's eyes were on the floor. "It's a little difficult to rebuild confidence when the agency you work for feels a need to furlough you on a regular basis."
Rossi snorted. "Ah, the infamous 100/30 rule. Yeah, no. That was just some HR hack's attempt to make it appear like the FBI was looking out for the best interests of an agent it had left to the wolves for the previous six months. You're not still doing that, are you? I thought you were off teaching last month because you wanted to."
"I was. And, yes, it's over. But it did shake me up a bit, to think that they didn't trust me to be able to work. I mean, I knew I couldn't come back right away. But once I was ready…"
"Once you were ready, you wanted to be back, full time. I can relate to that. So all they really did was to prolong your recovery."
"Maybe."
Rossi shook his head. Then he leaned forward, placing his hand on Reid's arm.
"Listen, Kid. The day will come when I can't keep up in the field, even if I let the young 'uns take the lead. Just like the day will come when we run into an unsub with an IQ higher than 187. Neither of those things will mean we have nothing left to offer. We can both be in this fight as long as we have the heart for it. I lost my footing, but I didn't lose my heart. I have a feeling you can say the same."
Reid's smile was wistful. "I can. I guess I just have to learn to be patient with myself."
"And to remember that you're part of a team. Not every bit of insight is spawned from our intelligence. When it's not forthcoming, that's not your failing."
Reid sighed. "I'm not ready for this to be over. One day, maybe, yes. But I'm not ready yet."
Rossi sat back, satisfied that he'd made his case. "Nor I, my young friend. And I'll tell you one other thing. If we can go through what we've been through, and come out the other side with fire in our bellies….well, maybe that's something else we can bring to the team. Some people walk away when they've been shaken…"
Reid smiled, anticipating him. "And some are stirred."
The older man laughed. "See, I told you! If you want to succeed in this business, it has to be all about James Bond. Forget Dr. Who."
The younger man chuckled, and then his shoulders fell, as some of the tension left his body.
"I'm exhausted."
"Then go home. I told Emily this morning. This is still an open investigation. We'll get our guy, because we're motivated. But we'll do it as a team"
He stayed long enough to see Reid pack his messenger bag and walk through the doors, toward the elevator. Then David Rossi left the BAU, headed home to the woman he'd once loved, and loved again. She'd been a font of wisdom for him today. But there was one thing he'd been right about.
I take care of them. They don't take care of me.