"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a good life" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
It is a truth less well known, but agreed upon by everyone who meets her, that my mother is the most insufferable woman on the planet. Just ask my sisters.
One would imagine that a woman so preoccupied with the love lives of her daughters, with a strong focus on marrying them off, might have had a little bit of a problem with her daughter's budding homosexuality, but when I announced, at the age of 15 nonetheless, that I was gay, my mother was ecstatic. Not only did she have the joy of planning the weddings of her four presumably heterosexual daughters, but a big fat gay wedding as well! And wouldn't Anne from work be jealous, after all, homosexuality is so on trend right now!
And so, for the past 13 years of my life, my mother has been planning my wedding. The woman lives and breathes to marry me off. There's only one problem; I am Cosima Niehaus, and I am chronically single.
I think it really started as a way to piss my Mom off, you know. Whenever I would date someone, I'd never bring them home. Like I could anyway, Mom would scare them off! But that doesn't fly for very long. You can't blow someone off on holidays forever. There are only so many reasons she can't meet your family. And eventually she gets tired of that and dumps you, leaving you to try into your half eaten ramen for a month.
It's not like I have time to date anyway! With the cafe, all my crazy sisters, and generally avoiding my mother. Life is hectic.
It's really no easier for my sisters either. Sarah, the oldest, had a daughter when she was 20. While our mother was initially heartbroken, and wouldn't get out of bed for a week, crying that nobody would want to raise someone else's child, she quickly changed her mind. Kira popped out and charmed the whole family with that adorable chubby cheeked smile of hers. And so marrying off Sarah, baby and all, became her pet project. One she hasn't been very successful with, and one she never stops complaining about. Then there's me, Cosima. The weird one. But like, you'll figure that out I guess. After me is Rachel, and Rachel is intense. I once told Mom that if anybody actually married Rachel, I'd cut off my dreads and eat them. Then I choked from laughing too hard at my own joke, and Mom slapped me especially hard on the back, trying to pass it off as a pat to ease my choking, but I know better. After Rachel is Beth. She's a cop, and probably the only one of us normal enough to actually get married. And finally, there's Alison, the baby of the family. She loves weddings almost as much as Mom. She has a wedding scrapbook which she keeps in a special box under her bed, complete with mock ups she had made of her in every style of wedding dress she could find. Yeah, I don't get it either.
That's the unfortunate thing about mothers, though, isn't it? You can never get away from them. They know where you live, they know where you work. I'm about 95% sure my Mom has my schedule written down in her planner, because even when I'm trying to ignore her, she finds me. The woman she be a private investigator.
"Cosiiiiiiiima, come here. I can here you clattering down the back, I know you're here!" My Mom's voice booms through The Blue Moon, the cafe Sarah and I run together. It could break glass with its severity. I flinch. The way she drags out my name makes me realise something is up. I swear the last time she did this she handed me a folder full of pictures of her friends daughters she thought might be gay, with their star signed listed underneath, because she thought 'the gays were interested in that sort of thing.'
I briefly consider running out the back way, and off down the alley, but considering I've poured my life blood into this business, and I'm the only one here, I decide this is probably a bad idea. Anyway, Sarah would probably murder me. With a deep sigh I pick up the bag of coffee beans I've been meaning to bring out, and shuffle back to the front of the store.
"Uh, hi Mom. What can I get you?" I ask it nicely, with a wave of my hand. That's more than she normally gets. I'm feeling generous today. I doubt she notices.
"Cosima, I've got such exciting news!" Her face is bright red, and honestly, it looks as though her head is about to explode.
"Uh, guess you better tell me then, Mom. You look like you're about to wet your pants"
"Cosima Niehaus!" She says, completely exasperated already "That is no way to talk to your mother! But we've got no time to dwell on that. I came to tell you right away. The brown house has finally sold, and you'll never guess who's moving in!"
"Yeah, I sure won't, so you'd better tell me."
"It's Aldous Leekie, you know! He's the owner of DYAD pharmaceuticals. He's very rich you know, very famous, respected even, and that's not even the best part!"
"Guess you better tell me what that is, too then Mom" I sigh, as I realise I'm going to be listening to my mother waffle on about these strangers for at least the next twenty minutes, and I set about making myself a latte.
"He has a step-daughter! Delphine, what I lovely name, don't you think?" She doesn't want for me to respond, and she barely manages to take a breath before she continues. "She's 27, and she works in the vaccines department of DYAD. Apparently she models in Eurpoe! She's very beautiful, I've heard! Well she must be, I suppose. She's also very single, just like you dear! But best of all, she's very much batting for your team!"
"And what team would that be, Mom?" I ask her, and I bite at my cheeks softly to stop the smirk that's inching onto my face. Although she is mostly okay with my sexuality, enough to boast to her friends privately, about her modern, fashionable daughter, talking about it in public still flusters her slightly, and its one of my greatest pleasures in life to torment her.
"Oh dear, you know, the ho-mo-sex-u-als" Her voice drops to a whisper as she drags out the last word, and I can't hold back my snort. She hears it, how could she not, and she's annoyed.
"Hmph. Be that way then Cosima. You die alone with your cats. They can eat you for all I care. Don't have any children, at least that way you won't be as tortured as I am!" My mother says, raising her hands into the air dramatically, and trying her hardest to look like a kicked puppy.
"Honestly Mom, even if this Delphine is so great, its not like she's going to be living with her parents. We'll probably never even meet her."
"But Cosima, she's staying with them for the holidays! And I've spoken to your father. He's agreed that we will host a Christmas party for the block! The whole neighbourhood, Delphine and all!" At this point my mother looks as though she may really pass out, so I usher her into a booth down the back, away from the door lest she scare away any customers, and drop my latte in front of her.
I can't believe Dad has agreed to this. I know she must have nagged at him for hours to get him to submit. Normally he likes to tease her too! Normally he sides with us. I sigh at the though. Ugh.
A few minutes later, she finishes her coffee, and gets up to leave. But not before she welcomes herself behind the counter. I laugh and point to the sign 'Employees only' but Mom only rolls her eyes.
"You don't have to listen to signs when you birthed most of the staff, Cosima!"
She pulls me in for a hug. "Now you make sure you tell Sarah about this. I hear this Mr Leekie has a son as well! Very handsome! Just imagine it Cosima, you and Sarah married to siblings. I can see it now!"
I want to tell her this will never happen, but I also want her to leave so I can start closing up, so I simply smile and nod to appease her.
"Goodbye my darling!" She shouts, happy as can be as she walks out of the store, oblivious to the fact I'm only trailing behind her so close so I can lock the door right after her. I don't want her getting back in.
I turn the radio on almost as loud as it will go, so I can plead ignorance if she comes back and knocks on the door, and head out the back to get the cleaning trolley.
I'm elbow deep in bubbles, doing the washing up, and singing terribly to some pop song when Sarah comes in, dragging Kira behind her.
"Cos, I saw Mom, and shite, how are we gonna get out of this one?" She asks me, sounding genuinely upset.
I sigh. "I don't think we can, Sarah. She'll burn down the shop if we don't go to her party"
Sarah groans loudly. "It's not even the boy, Cos! It's the party! You know how much I bloody hate Christmas. Alison will make me wear another one of those awful sweaters."
I giggle at the memory of last years Christmas card. Alison knitted us all matching sweaters. Mine had a snowflake, and I was stoned enough to be enamoured with it. Sarah's had a snowman, and somehow Alison had rigged it so his nose lit up, and Sarah was not amused.
"Aw, maybe it won't be that bad. We can always spike the eggnog" I say with a wink.
Except we both know it will be bad. It will be terrible. The only thing worse than our mother is our mother at Christmas, drunk on box wine and lamenting her unmarried daughters.
Shite indeed, Sarah.I've been watching the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and I had an idea.. Or a stole an idea.. That's close enough, right?
Anyway, Delphine is gonna make a great Mr Darcy, am I right, or am I right?