The Benjy Test
After Benjy came home and finished his homework, Adrian came over for dinner. It was a pretty normal Tuesday, Chicken Potpie Night, and I made chicken pot pies for the three of us. It was starting to become more "normal" for it to be Benjy, Adrian, and me to just have dinner together, like a family. After a nice dinner, Benjy and I sat on the couch and Adrian sat in a chair next to the couch and we all watched a movie. At about 9:30pm, when the movie ended, Benjy asked if he could talk privately with Adrian. He started to pull out a notepad and pen. I said "sure", and walked to my bedroom. I closed the door and tried to be as quiet as I could so I could hear what they were saying. After a couple of moments of silence, I heard Benjy start to talk. "Mr. Monk, you've been dating my mom for about half a year now." I thought, here it comes, the Benjy Test, Benjy's oral test to see if a guy that I dated would be "ok" for him to handle. Of course all three of us already knew that no one had passed yet, otherwise they would probably still be dating me. "So, my mom said she told you to be expecting this. It's what my mom and I call 'The Benjy Test'." A 'normal' routine of the stupidest questions that make you want to tear him apart. He usually takes out a notepad and pen and writes down nonsense words that make the guys really nervous. "No one has ever passed before. My mom has already previewed the main questions, but there are usually some new and personal questions for every different guy. If I know her, she's listening at the door, making sure there are no really bad questions and seeing what the results are, but she really SHOULDN'T BE THERE, RIGHT MOM?" It's a little scary how well my son knows me. I kept my mouth shut and tried to hear what they were saying next. "Now, Mr. Monk, this is mostly yes or no with a few long questions and long answers. All I ask of you is just to tell the truth. Ok?" He paused, waiting for his next victim of "The Benjy Test" to answer, "but answer there came none". "Alright, first question, now this is hard so just take your time before answering it, ok?" I could barely hear Monk say "OK." "What is your first name?" I knew Benjy was just joking, trying to sort of "break the ice", but seriously, that was a question you asked a two year old to see what their response was, not a person who was going crazy not wanting to do anything wrong. "Adrian." I heard him say. Benjy kidded around some more. "Veeeeeeeeeeery interesting." "What's interesting?" Monk said nervously. Benjy scribbled some things down on the notepad. "Next question: what is your last name?" "Monk." If he doesn't stop this, I'm going in there to call the test off! I thought to myself. "Alrighty then. Who am I, who is the lady in that room and what is our relation?" I'm going to strangle that boy! I thought again to myself. Adrian sighed. Benjy mumbled: 'Subject A sighs. A sure sign of...' He scribbled a mixture of nonsense words and doodles together on the notepad. "What are you writing?" Monk asked suspiciously and nervously. "PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION MR. MONK!" He sighed again. "You are Benjamin Fleming, son of Sharona Fleming, the woman in that room." Benjy mumbled again. 'Good enough.' he scribbled more nonsense things onto the paper. Benjamin Fleming, get on with the questions. I thought nervously to myself. "Ok, here is where the real fun begins. Next question, yes or no: Have you ever been married before, and if yes, how many times?" "I have only been married once, to Trudy." "I see. Did you love her, did you divorce, and/or did she die? In other words, did you love her and why aren't you 'with' her now?" I knew Benjy already knew this, and that's why I wish he didn't ask about Trudy when he didn't need to. "I loved her with all my heart, and I'll never forget her." I heard his voice start to sound like he was going to cry. "She was killed in a car crash about seven years ago." There was a moment of silence. Now Benjy was more serious. "Would you like a tissue Mr. Monk?" I heard Benjy move to the tissue box, pick it up. I then heard a tissue being pulled up from the box, and then one blow into a tissue. "Thank you." I heard Monk say very quietly. "When you're ready." Benjy said. He started to sound like a psychiatrist. There was a minute of silence. "I'm ready." I heard Monk say. "Ok. Have you ever thought about getting married again, if yes do you know if you might want to?" "I have thought about it. I think I might want to, but of course no one could take Trudy's place, but they could make a new one in my heart." "Have you ever thought about marrying my mother?" I wanted to know so badly what he was going to say next. "Yes." I didn't know what to think, but I knew I was happy. "Have you ever hugged my mom?" "Yes." "Alright. Have you ever kissed my mom?" "Yes." "Have you ever. um. you know. with my mom?" "No." "Have you ever smoked?" "No." "Done drugs?" "No." "Drank?" "Yes." "Gotten a tattoo?" "No." "Pierced anything?" "No." "Dyed your hair blue?" "No." "What about pink, or green, or purple, or orange or-" "I've never dyed my hair." "Dropped out of school?" "No." "Would you, I don't know what word to use, respect? No, that can't be right, oh well. Would you 'respect' me if I did any of those things?" "I would 'respect' you, but I certainly not be happy with you if you did." "Why?" G-d Benjy! Please stay on the subject! I thought. "Well, that kind of stuff can hurt you, your body, and your brain if you do any of those things." "Next question: Do you think whatever you may feel for my mother, is exactly love?" "I think so." "She's very different than Trudy, am I right?" "Yeah." Adrian laughed, maybe because I really was that different from Trudy. "Just how different are they?" Adrian laughed again. "The complete opposite." "What do you see my mom as?" "What do you mean?" "Describe her." "She beautiful, smart, funny, cute, spunky, sexy, hot, a little on the wild side, but that's just what I love about her." He sighed. "I guess that's the shortest answer I can give you." "You know that I like comics a lot, what comics would you mainly describe my mom as?" "I think she's a mix between Wonder Woman, Catwoman, and Lois Lane." "Why?" "Well, she does so many things that I can't believe it, it's like she has super powers." I giggled quietly so they wouldn't hear me. "Catwoman because she's feisty, like a cat, spunky, sexy, cute, and hot." Mr. Monk, I never thought you'd think that of me! Much less say it aloud, to my son! "The reason for Lois Lane please." Benjy sounded a little surprised from what he just heard Monk say. "Well, Lois Lane is smart, spunky, always getting into trouble with 'the bad guys' that Superman already warned her about and I guess I'm sort of saying, I like to think of myself as a superhero like Superman, Batman, etc." "Ok. Next question, this is really random, ok?" No answer. "Do you think my mom has a big nose?" "WHAT?" Benjy sighed. He said very quietly, "You heard me. Please just answer the question. I'm just curious." Adrian sighed. "I think your mom's nose is perfect." "Fair enough." Benjy said quietly. "Next question: what does the word 'random' mean?" "It means there is no real relation between the previous statement etc. and the next one. For example, if you pick something at random there is no specific one or right one or like the expression if you do something 'out of the blue', do you know what I'm talking about?" "Yeah." "Well that expression is the same thing as random." "Ok. Do you 'have a thing' for blondes? I mean my mom's a natural blonde, Trudy was, as far as I know, and Monica is, and you seem to like like them." "I guess I've never really thought about it. I think it's really about the personality, and the women whose personalities I like just happen to be blonde." "Do you think the average blonde is pretty, or stupid like in the movie Legally Blonde?" "No." "I guess that's good." "Just between you and me though, AND SHARONA NOW I GUESS-" He said very loudly to see if I was listening. "The blondes I've 'fallen in love with', also happen to be really hot." Benjy seemed really shocked. "You really don't seem yourself tonight. Do you feel all right?" "I've actually never felt better." Benjy seemed to be done with his questions, so Monk started to ask Benjy. "Benjy," he asked more seriously now, "exactly how do you feel about your mother and I?" "I can't lie Mr. Monk, you really are a great guy." He sighed. I knew he liked Monk, but yet he was still scared of the thought of having a new father, even though he never really had an old one. "Thank you." He said a little humbly. "I am still really nervous and scared though. My mom has never really gotten this serious with anyone as far as I know, except my dad I guess, and, well, I don't really know how I'm supposed to think and feel." I heard Benjy sniffle. "I wish I could say I understand, but then I'd be lying because I really don't understand how you fell but I'll try my hardest." Benjy sniffled again. He talked as though he wanted Monk's sympathy. "It's hard." "I can't say I grew up with just a mother, and then she started dating this guy, her boss, who has OCD, and for all I knew I could have a new father, and I have to ask questions for my mother so we wouldn't end up with a jerk." I heard Benjy start to cry. "Come here." Monk said. I could hear Monk start to cry now. Benjy's crying was muffled. I figured they were both crying and hugging like Benjy and I were when Benjy first found out Adrian and I loved each other. I started to cry too, but not loud enough for them to hear. "Can we be friends?" It was such an odd question, but Monk seemed to understand. "Sure. I'd like that." I could tell the test was officially over. I heard them start to walk to my room, I dried my eyes, even though I knew they would be able to tell I heard them. They both knocked. "Come in." I said, trying to act like I heard nothing. "It's over." "I know." I smiled. I saw Monk's jacket all wet near the shoulder, I figured that's where Benjy cried. I knew it was random, but I said anyway, "I am very sorry you didn't have the father you might have wanted." "I know. It's not your fault." Benjy said understandingly. We all hugged. Monk asked if I could drive him home. I said "sure" and on the way out Benjy smiled and said, "By the way, you passed." We all smiled. We shared another "group hug" and then I knew. I knew these were the people I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
END
"It's always times like these, when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me. Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong in your precious memory, cause I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder.if I could just see you, tonight."
-A Thousand Miles (sung by Vanessa Carlton)
After Benjy came home and finished his homework, Adrian came over for dinner. It was a pretty normal Tuesday, Chicken Potpie Night, and I made chicken pot pies for the three of us. It was starting to become more "normal" for it to be Benjy, Adrian, and me to just have dinner together, like a family. After a nice dinner, Benjy and I sat on the couch and Adrian sat in a chair next to the couch and we all watched a movie. At about 9:30pm, when the movie ended, Benjy asked if he could talk privately with Adrian. He started to pull out a notepad and pen. I said "sure", and walked to my bedroom. I closed the door and tried to be as quiet as I could so I could hear what they were saying. After a couple of moments of silence, I heard Benjy start to talk. "Mr. Monk, you've been dating my mom for about half a year now." I thought, here it comes, the Benjy Test, Benjy's oral test to see if a guy that I dated would be "ok" for him to handle. Of course all three of us already knew that no one had passed yet, otherwise they would probably still be dating me. "So, my mom said she told you to be expecting this. It's what my mom and I call 'The Benjy Test'." A 'normal' routine of the stupidest questions that make you want to tear him apart. He usually takes out a notepad and pen and writes down nonsense words that make the guys really nervous. "No one has ever passed before. My mom has already previewed the main questions, but there are usually some new and personal questions for every different guy. If I know her, she's listening at the door, making sure there are no really bad questions and seeing what the results are, but she really SHOULDN'T BE THERE, RIGHT MOM?" It's a little scary how well my son knows me. I kept my mouth shut and tried to hear what they were saying next. "Now, Mr. Monk, this is mostly yes or no with a few long questions and long answers. All I ask of you is just to tell the truth. Ok?" He paused, waiting for his next victim of "The Benjy Test" to answer, "but answer there came none". "Alright, first question, now this is hard so just take your time before answering it, ok?" I could barely hear Monk say "OK." "What is your first name?" I knew Benjy was just joking, trying to sort of "break the ice", but seriously, that was a question you asked a two year old to see what their response was, not a person who was going crazy not wanting to do anything wrong. "Adrian." I heard him say. Benjy kidded around some more. "Veeeeeeeeeeery interesting." "What's interesting?" Monk said nervously. Benjy scribbled some things down on the notepad. "Next question: what is your last name?" "Monk." If he doesn't stop this, I'm going in there to call the test off! I thought to myself. "Alrighty then. Who am I, who is the lady in that room and what is our relation?" I'm going to strangle that boy! I thought again to myself. Adrian sighed. Benjy mumbled: 'Subject A sighs. A sure sign of...' He scribbled a mixture of nonsense words and doodles together on the notepad. "What are you writing?" Monk asked suspiciously and nervously. "PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION MR. MONK!" He sighed again. "You are Benjamin Fleming, son of Sharona Fleming, the woman in that room." Benjy mumbled again. 'Good enough.' he scribbled more nonsense things onto the paper. Benjamin Fleming, get on with the questions. I thought nervously to myself. "Ok, here is where the real fun begins. Next question, yes or no: Have you ever been married before, and if yes, how many times?" "I have only been married once, to Trudy." "I see. Did you love her, did you divorce, and/or did she die? In other words, did you love her and why aren't you 'with' her now?" I knew Benjy already knew this, and that's why I wish he didn't ask about Trudy when he didn't need to. "I loved her with all my heart, and I'll never forget her." I heard his voice start to sound like he was going to cry. "She was killed in a car crash about seven years ago." There was a moment of silence. Now Benjy was more serious. "Would you like a tissue Mr. Monk?" I heard Benjy move to the tissue box, pick it up. I then heard a tissue being pulled up from the box, and then one blow into a tissue. "Thank you." I heard Monk say very quietly. "When you're ready." Benjy said. He started to sound like a psychiatrist. There was a minute of silence. "I'm ready." I heard Monk say. "Ok. Have you ever thought about getting married again, if yes do you know if you might want to?" "I have thought about it. I think I might want to, but of course no one could take Trudy's place, but they could make a new one in my heart." "Have you ever thought about marrying my mother?" I wanted to know so badly what he was going to say next. "Yes." I didn't know what to think, but I knew I was happy. "Have you ever hugged my mom?" "Yes." "Alright. Have you ever kissed my mom?" "Yes." "Have you ever. um. you know. with my mom?" "No." "Have you ever smoked?" "No." "Done drugs?" "No." "Drank?" "Yes." "Gotten a tattoo?" "No." "Pierced anything?" "No." "Dyed your hair blue?" "No." "What about pink, or green, or purple, or orange or-" "I've never dyed my hair." "Dropped out of school?" "No." "Would you, I don't know what word to use, respect? No, that can't be right, oh well. Would you 'respect' me if I did any of those things?" "I would 'respect' you, but I certainly not be happy with you if you did." "Why?" G-d Benjy! Please stay on the subject! I thought. "Well, that kind of stuff can hurt you, your body, and your brain if you do any of those things." "Next question: Do you think whatever you may feel for my mother, is exactly love?" "I think so." "She's very different than Trudy, am I right?" "Yeah." Adrian laughed, maybe because I really was that different from Trudy. "Just how different are they?" Adrian laughed again. "The complete opposite." "What do you see my mom as?" "What do you mean?" "Describe her." "She beautiful, smart, funny, cute, spunky, sexy, hot, a little on the wild side, but that's just what I love about her." He sighed. "I guess that's the shortest answer I can give you." "You know that I like comics a lot, what comics would you mainly describe my mom as?" "I think she's a mix between Wonder Woman, Catwoman, and Lois Lane." "Why?" "Well, she does so many things that I can't believe it, it's like she has super powers." I giggled quietly so they wouldn't hear me. "Catwoman because she's feisty, like a cat, spunky, sexy, cute, and hot." Mr. Monk, I never thought you'd think that of me! Much less say it aloud, to my son! "The reason for Lois Lane please." Benjy sounded a little surprised from what he just heard Monk say. "Well, Lois Lane is smart, spunky, always getting into trouble with 'the bad guys' that Superman already warned her about and I guess I'm sort of saying, I like to think of myself as a superhero like Superman, Batman, etc." "Ok. Next question, this is really random, ok?" No answer. "Do you think my mom has a big nose?" "WHAT?" Benjy sighed. He said very quietly, "You heard me. Please just answer the question. I'm just curious." Adrian sighed. "I think your mom's nose is perfect." "Fair enough." Benjy said quietly. "Next question: what does the word 'random' mean?" "It means there is no real relation between the previous statement etc. and the next one. For example, if you pick something at random there is no specific one or right one or like the expression if you do something 'out of the blue', do you know what I'm talking about?" "Yeah." "Well that expression is the same thing as random." "Ok. Do you 'have a thing' for blondes? I mean my mom's a natural blonde, Trudy was, as far as I know, and Monica is, and you seem to like like them." "I guess I've never really thought about it. I think it's really about the personality, and the women whose personalities I like just happen to be blonde." "Do you think the average blonde is pretty, or stupid like in the movie Legally Blonde?" "No." "I guess that's good." "Just between you and me though, AND SHARONA NOW I GUESS-" He said very loudly to see if I was listening. "The blondes I've 'fallen in love with', also happen to be really hot." Benjy seemed really shocked. "You really don't seem yourself tonight. Do you feel all right?" "I've actually never felt better." Benjy seemed to be done with his questions, so Monk started to ask Benjy. "Benjy," he asked more seriously now, "exactly how do you feel about your mother and I?" "I can't lie Mr. Monk, you really are a great guy." He sighed. I knew he liked Monk, but yet he was still scared of the thought of having a new father, even though he never really had an old one. "Thank you." He said a little humbly. "I am still really nervous and scared though. My mom has never really gotten this serious with anyone as far as I know, except my dad I guess, and, well, I don't really know how I'm supposed to think and feel." I heard Benjy sniffle. "I wish I could say I understand, but then I'd be lying because I really don't understand how you fell but I'll try my hardest." Benjy sniffled again. He talked as though he wanted Monk's sympathy. "It's hard." "I can't say I grew up with just a mother, and then she started dating this guy, her boss, who has OCD, and for all I knew I could have a new father, and I have to ask questions for my mother so we wouldn't end up with a jerk." I heard Benjy start to cry. "Come here." Monk said. I could hear Monk start to cry now. Benjy's crying was muffled. I figured they were both crying and hugging like Benjy and I were when Benjy first found out Adrian and I loved each other. I started to cry too, but not loud enough for them to hear. "Can we be friends?" It was such an odd question, but Monk seemed to understand. "Sure. I'd like that." I could tell the test was officially over. I heard them start to walk to my room, I dried my eyes, even though I knew they would be able to tell I heard them. They both knocked. "Come in." I said, trying to act like I heard nothing. "It's over." "I know." I smiled. I saw Monk's jacket all wet near the shoulder, I figured that's where Benjy cried. I knew it was random, but I said anyway, "I am very sorry you didn't have the father you might have wanted." "I know. It's not your fault." Benjy said understandingly. We all hugged. Monk asked if I could drive him home. I said "sure" and on the way out Benjy smiled and said, "By the way, you passed." We all smiled. We shared another "group hug" and then I knew. I knew these were the people I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
END
"It's always times like these, when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me. Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong in your precious memory, cause I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder.if I could just see you, tonight."
-A Thousand Miles (sung by Vanessa Carlton)