We were all broken a long time ago, but what makes that different from now is that we're finally realizing it. We kept telling each other carry on, carry on, carry on.
But sometimes words aren't enough to overcome the actions. Sometimes life just gets you down, and you tend to get so used to it you feel like its normal to be in this much danger. This "life" I had was a pile of trash that kept pulling my deeper and deeper in.
They just keep sinking further and further and now that they've finally reached the bottom of the heap and they've lost everything, even themselves, they realize how alone they are.
Death won't cure this. It may cut you short, but that's not where life ends. All life just travels to another place. This place might even make you think your troubles never even existed. But they're still around, back where the living are. You just left em for awhile.
I wish I could go to that place where we forget about all of the bad things in our life. To be honest, life really friggin' sucked for us. But we had each other to look up to when we felt like we were on the lowest of grounds.
But now that even my brother is gone . . . I feel like this is the only thing that'll help me. Death.
I didn't even know I wanted it until it happened; I was worried not for myself, but for Dean. My automatic thoughts went to what he will do without me. But then I remembered he's not there.
The person who killed me might look like my brother, but its only his shell and remainder of an old soul. Its cracked and beaten and deserves rest, but I don't think it ever will no matter what happens to it.
He left me for dead about ten minutes ago, buts its okay. It wasn't really him. Its a black eyed man wearing his face as a twisted version of a mask.
I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't seem to convince me too much. I keep saying its not Dean, its not the guy that would risk everything for you, its not your brother. Its not your family. You have no family anymore. But that just makes it worse. I know its not the person I used to know, and I know he's a monster now. What rips me apart is that this thing was my brother once. He's no victim. He's the thing that goes bump in the night.
Not only have I lost everything, but Dean has too. He's lost his humanity which he once took pride in. The only thing he knew he was.
I've lost almost everything, and within a few minutes. . . .I'll have lost everything. My mother, old love interests, my long forgotten dream career, my father, my sanity, my sense of hope and reality, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Adam, Gabriel, Balthazar, Garth, Dean, and all of the family I could've possibly had. And now, I'm losing my own life for probably the fifth time. And I'm not coming back.
But I'm okay with it. I'm going to be able to finally forget all of the trash that was my life. I can forget about how broken I am.
I take a final breath and close my eyes, and the pain in my gut finally goes away. The aching in my heart. The worries in my head. All gone.