I don't own anything. I wrote this probably about 10 years ago, a random bit of inspiration at the time. There are two flashbacks, denoted with italics. The second flashback is actually taken from an episode of the show, something that really happened. I believe it was a late season 1 ep, but I'm not sure of the title anymore. And the song used is "Every Now and Then" by Vonda Shepard.
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It happened again for the millionth time. I sit on the couch at his apartment finishing off the pasta dinner I had made earlier that night. I had expected him home hours ago. He knew I was going to be here. He knew I was going to be here. We had planned on this night. But as so many other nights that had passed before this one I was eating alone at his place, without so much as a phone call from him to say he wouldn't be home.
I held off eating till about nine, then decided not to let it go to waste. Now, an hour and a half later, the food is gone, save for a small plate I wrapped up and put in the fridge so he could have it whenever he decided to come home. I had already been through his small video library more times then I could count months ago, and didn't feel up to another viewing of "Die Hard" right now. I flipped channels for a while before coming to the conclusion there was nothing on. I pushed the "power-off" on the remote. Then turned on the radio to my favorite station and walked up the three steps to the kitchen. Slowly I washed all the dishes by hand. There was a dishwasher, but I was in need of something to occupy myself. The dishes managed to kill about 20 minutes, but now I was faced, again, with what to do with myself.
I wandered back into the living room and dragged a finger across a row of books on his shelf. Skimming the titles as my finger hit each book. Most had something to do with Kung Fu, Zen, or the Shaolin. Lifting one from the shelf, the cover was old and worn. 'The Art of Meditation', copyright 1948. Flipping through the book I found a page that talked of a type of Meditation I thought I had seen him doing one morning when I had awoken late. Sitting back on the couch with the book open in hand, my mind wandered back to that morning just a few months ago.
Stretching and rising I found the right side of the bed empty. How late was it? 10:14am the digital clock next to the bed read.
"Wow, I can't believe I slept so late." I mumbled to myself. I usually never slept past 9 unless I was working the graveyard shift. I pulled on a shirt and wandered to the closed door that led to the living room. The apartment was strangely silent. Had Peter left already? He wasn't due at the station until 4 o'clock. Fortunately neither was I since my internal alarm decided to take a holiday this morning.
I opened the door and was greeted by, "Morning, Kel," he said from a kneeling position on the floor. He didn't even open his eyes, much less turn to see me. I figured he heard the silent door open.
"Morning. It was so quiet I thought you left already." I walked past him on the floor and went to the kitchen.
"No. Just meditating." He replied, eyes still closed, off in his world. There wasn't much to eat, and I didn't feel up to cooking this morning. So I had the only thing Peter had in the house, cereal. When I re-entered the living room I mentioned the lack of food, but got no response. Peter's body was still there, kneeling on the floor. His mind on the other hand was in some realm of meditation I was sure I'd never begin to understand.
Thumbing through the pages one thing became clearer to me. The Peter who's apartment I was sitting in now, was not the same Peter I had fallen for a few years ago. Some things were the same, like his disappearing acts. However, these days it seemed to happen more often then before, and it was increasingly difficult to find him. Not that the changes were all bad. All in all he was slowly becoming a more stable person, but it seemed this had further reduced the time he had for me. Another problem with Peter's more spiritual self was that he was still a very emotional guy. He tended to get frustrated when things weren't just right with his father and his job.
"I always feel like I'm in the way. Like I don't really belong here." I said to the picture of a robed man in the book. I never knew quite what Peter wanted from the world, but now I didn't think he even knew. He was torn between two very different worlds. The world of a cop. A world I was a small part of. And the world of a Shaolin, not that I was sure exactly what that meant. It was a world that revolved entirely around his father. It's not that it bothered me that his father came first. After all it was his father, he should come first. But was it such a tall order to ask that he put me in his top ten. He came and went from the apartment with barely a hello, goodbye sometimes.
That was when I noticed the song that had just begun playing on the radio. I had never heard it before. As the woman on the radio moved into the chorus it immediately rung true to my life as it was at the moment, especially my on going hot and cold affair with Peter. Then as she began the second verse I became lost in it.
"My boyfriend's on the fringe
He says that I'm naive
He says this world makes him cringe
Sometimes he'd rather leave
My boyfriend's on the blink
He says he can't pretend
He's had too much to drink
And it's coming to the end
It's coming to the end
Every now and then you
were in love with me
Every now and then you came to find me
Every now and then you'd be in love with me
Surprise, surprise it's me again
It's every now and then
Every now and then you'd be in love with me
Surprise, surprise look in my eyes
It's every now and then
Every now and then you'd get down on your knees
And cry to me, 'cause once again
It's every now and then"
I touched my face and found a tear on my cheek. I hadn't even realized I was crying.
"I guess that formed during that line,'And it's coming to the end.' Is this how it all finally ends?" I ask of the wise looking elderly Chinese man in the book. I had known for a while that things with Peter weren't working. I had even nearly packed up all my things and left once. Caine, Peter's father, had come by in the middle of my packing though and made me rethink my choice.
I was pulling things out of Peter's closet and when I turned around I was startled to find Caine standing behind me. It had made me nearly jump out of my skin. "Oh, god, you scared me." I walked to the bed, "I didn't hear you. But then Peter says no one ever does." My heart was still racing and I couldn't keep the nervous wobble out of my voice. I was racing around stuffing things in my bag. Meanwhile, Caine stood still, the picture of calm. The complete flip side of me. The cause of my state was the uncertainty if I was making the right, rational choice.
"You are leaving?" Caine asked.
"I don't live here. Sometimes I stay here." Sometimes I stayed here a lot. I thought, as I told Peter's father what I needed to believe myself. My relationship with Peter couldn't be that serious if all I did was 'stay there sometimes'. Try to make it sound the way one would stay at a good friend's house when their house was being fumigated. "You collect a lot of stuff over the months," I explained.
"I need something of his. Something he has worn in the last 24 hours." Caine requested as I shoved an armload of underwear and nylons into my bag.
"Um," I glance and notice his watch on the bedside table. "There's his watch," as I bring it to Caine I look at it, "it's stopped."
"Time has stopped for Peter," he says. "This is when the influence began. Peter will come back to your heart. You must have faith in your instincts." As if he read my mind he spoke to my many doubts about leaving Peter. "Do not abandon him no matter what happens. Do you understand?" I did, yet part of me didn't want to. There were so many things going through my mind. I sort of shrugged and shook my head with a short, cut off sigh. Caine continued, "but you will be there for him?"
I closed my eyes a moment and took a breath, then said, "I've always been there for him," speaking only the truth now. I always was there when Peter needed me, and many times when he didn't as well. Caine squeezed the watch then turned and left.
When Peter came around again, looking for comfort in me I was there. A few days after that a new cycle began. He disappeared, I waited, he came back, and around and around. I suppose we all come to crossroads in our lives, where we are forced to make a choice. Except it seemed that I kept returning to the exact same intersection over and over again. And every time I did, I made the same choice. I take the exact same road that keeps leading me in circles. Now, here I stand again at
this crossroads. A part of my heart is crying, 'take that left one more time. Maybe it won't lead back here this time.'
I stood and walked around this apartment that had been something of a cold second home to me for quite some time. Book still in hand I looked down at the man in the picture once more before closing it and placing it back on the shelf. "Thank you, sir," my hand patted the top of the book.
I walked to the bedroom and began packing up all the things I had been 'keeping' here once and for all. This time, unlike a few months ago, I am calmer and orderly. In just under an hour I had collected everything and was ready to pass that old turn I always made before.
There was a pad of paper on the counter I could use. At this point a note was easier then waiting for him to come home to tell him face to face. We could always discuss it later. But right now I needed to take that step.
Dear Peter,
I am so sorry it had to end this way. But I had to do this now. I would like to talk about it, just not right now. I simply can't go through this anymore. This every now and then kind of love we have. I need more stability then that in my life. Even if it's by myself. I would like to remain friends. You will always be in my heart, Peter. I will always be there if you need someone to listen. I will always be there for you if you ever need me, and I will ALWAYS love you.
XXOO Love, Kelly
I kissed the key to his apartment and dropped it on top of the note. As I turned to close the door I blew the apartment a kiss.
"It's time to just keep going straight and see where this road leads. Be strong girl, you WILL make it." A tear ran down my cheek. "It's time to take a risk, Kelly," and with a deep breath I wiped away the tear, closed the door, and walked away.
----The End