Clint had the best timing, like, almost always. It probably came with being a sniper.
"Nice nudes," he said and put a cheap supermarket magazine which, more often than not, spread outright lies, right next to Tony's coffee mug.
Tony didn't catch more than a glimpse of the year-old photograph before Natasha, sitting at the breakfast bar across from him, grabbed it and raised an eyebrow.
"Tony Stark seen chatting with Gabrielle Lee at a gala last week in Hollywood. Is she going to give us the long sought-after remake of his nude photographs from 1987?" She read.
"I don't remember those being in your SHIELD file," Clint put in.
Tony smirked. "Maybe you should ask Fury when you next see him where they went." He grabbed the magazine back to appraise the photo. They had only chosen one out of the series, but at least it didn't look as if they had picked the worst. All dangling bits were covered by a well-placed robot. Not that Gabrielle took bad pictures.
"Hey, I looked good," he announced.
Clint and Natasha did the right thing and didn't protest.
Steve, standing at the stove since he got back from his run earlier, leant into his space over his shoulder to take a look. Tony had to give him kudos for not immediately flinching back when his patriotic gaze clashed with the naked skin of one Merchant of Death some fifteen years younger.
"Are you?" Steve asked.
Tony shook the cobwebs from his brain. "Am I what?"
"Doing a remake of those?"
"Surprisingly they're right," he grumbled. "Gabrielle did ask me if I was up for a remake."
Clint laughed loudly as if he was already imagining reactions worldwide from supervillains to presidential candidates.
"You should," Natasha declared. "Maybe you'll save baby seals," she added.
"Hey, it's art. Not a PETA campaign."
"I've drawn nudes," Steve shrugged. "And she looks like a good photographer."
Tony didn't know what part of Steve's statement electrified him more. Clint shamelessly took advantage of Tony's infinitely short moment of speechlessness.
"Gabrielle Lee won several awards as an artist and photographer. She is good."
Apparently he had had time to read the entire article, and it was not only full of trash and lies.
"Excuse me, rewind here: Captain America drew nude pictures?!" Tony burst out. "The very soul of America? Have you told the Republicans?"
Steve rolled his eyes at him. "I went to art school. I also drew nudes on request because sometimes it was the difference between paying rent or not."
"Holy crap! I don't believe it! Why did nobody ever find those drawings?!"
Steve shrugged unconcernedly. "Probably got all thrown out eventually; it's not like everyone saw it as art. Who knows. Sides, I didn't always put my name on them."
"But sometimes you did," Natasha drawled.
"Yes, sometimes I did."
Steve went back to the stove without a care.
"Hey, we could make it a team event," Clint piped up. "Steve could draw nude pictures of Tony! Nat, would that count as team building?"
"I'm sure it could, although we'd need to include the rest of us somehow. Maybe pose in the background," Natasha replied. "The media would love it."
"Oh yeah, just imagine Fox News' reaction," Clint put in enthusiastically.
Needless to say, Tony was amazingly close to being scandalized.
"You know, if I had known you all wanted nude pictures of me, I would have given you some!" He exclaimed. "There should still be a sex tape of me somewhere on YouPorn, too!"
"Dream on," Clint shot back.
"Unattainable dreams," Natasha reinforced. "And yes, that sex tape is still around."
Steve just laughed, the pretending little shit. And of course that was when Banner came in. Natasha, sweetheart that she was, pushed the magazine into his hands, which promptly woke him up from his all-night lab hung over. He didn't hulk out, which Tony wasn't sure was a compliment or not.
"Ok. Old nude photos of Tony, how is this news?" He only asked with a remarkably calm voice.
"He's gonna make new ones," Clint said.
Tony laughed. "Hold on, I didn't say I was going to. The magazine says so."
"You said she asked. Gabrielle," Steve added helpfully.
"And I didn't give her an answer," Tony replied, exasperated.
"Yeah, maybe not," Bruce remarked, getting out his mug and filling it with coffee on the counter. He tapped his own chest. "Arc reactor."
"Thank you! I knew there was a reason why we're science buddies. As much as I hate depriving the public, I have a crater in my chest, and a highly advanced piece of technology in it. I would rather not have the arc reactor out on public display more than necessary. And that's leaving out the fact that a mass of scars isn't the new sexy. Although," he raised a finger, "let me just add that my biceps and abs are still very much up to the task!"
"Everyone can see the arc reactor in your Iron Man suit," Clint frowned.
"And most people still don't know that it isn't actually a part of the suit, but a part of me. It doesn't just power the Iron Man, it powers my heart. And although people other than me are still light-years away from copying it-"
"Vanko," Natasha coughed unsubtly, earning her an annoyed look which didn't even phase her.
"-point is: I don't want it out in the open for everyone to stare at until they figure that out."
"You could cover it."
Steve put down a plate of pancakes and another one of waffles, a very reliable way of assembling the Avengers around the breakfast table quicker than when they suited up for a mission. He also looked downright serious.
"That would be a very Eve-like pose: one hand over my junk and the other over my chest. Can you imagine it?"
Steve shrugged. "Use something else."
"Steve's shield," Bruce suggested as he helped himself to some pancakes, completely taking everyone aback. It wasn't that Bruce wasn't funny or didn't show it; but that right there was practically sacrilegious. Really, only Tony should have gone there, and he hadn't even thought of it. Of course everyone started laughing. Even Steve was laughing a little and shaking his head as if he wasn't horrified by the suggestion of his primary defense and offense weapon being used to protect Tony's technology while naked.
"That would cover too much and defeat the purpose of a nude," Steve argued once the hysterics had abated.
Bruce only shrugged as if to say: I tried.
If this conversation went on any longer, Tony was going to seriously hyperventilate, he could feel it. His image of Captain America was being systematically destroyed by Steve Rogers. Piece by piece. Relentlessly.
"Eat now, talk later," Steve ordered, dropping the magazine somewhere on the couch and far away from the breakfast bar.
"I know people probably weren't allowed to talk during meals in your time, Cap," Tony protested, "but I can totally eat and talk at the same time." He also gave a good demonstration of said fact. Steve's waffles were awesome. Up there with his pancakes.
"I don't doubt it, just don't choke in front of me." He gave Tony a frown that conveyed his disappointment about such an event very clearly.
Nobody expected the photographs that came out a few months later.
What kind of pictures? The Eve-pose after all? Tony holding a model of the element he rediscovered in front of his chest? Maybe Thor valiantly covering his comrade with an arm across Tony's chest–because naked pictures are totally fine in Asgard? Natasha lying with her head on Tony's chest? The glow stick of destiny covering all bits and pieces? We'll never know, but I'm open to suggestions.