Greetings. This lovely sequel (oo, presumptuous) has pretty much nothing to do with Booshy Horror besides taking place after it and featuring a few of the same characters. It's based on Shock Treatment, which flopped on release, but which I rather like. Patricia Quinn claims that it flopped because there isn't enough sex in it. There are lots of drugs though. Lots and lots of drugs.
And mentions of magnetic earrings, which are quite possibly the most painful things in existence. I had my ears pierced just so I wouldn't have to keep wearing the bitches.
Disclaimer: The Boosh is owned by Noel Fielding (Emily's Crush no 4) and Julian Barratt (Emily's Crush no 5), and Shock Treatment is owned by Richard O'Brien (Emily's Crush no 2), though a few subplots in later chapters will be my own invention, and not based on the movie.
Sit back and enjoy, or Cosmo and Nation will not be happy. No seriously, enjoy it.
Boosh Treatment
Cheesy TV music is playing, while various employees of the Dalston TV studio are sitting in the audience stalls under a large neon sign proclaiming 'Dalston: The Pad of Pop Culture', or just going about their business. The stage manager appears and shouts orders, and Monkey, Mrs Gideon, Tommy Nooka, Graham, Neon, Ultra, Lester Corncrake and Lance Dior take their places on the soundstage, which is set up with a giant word "DALSTON" decorated in a funky modern style.
Tommy (leaning over to look at Gideon): Good luck, honey.
The stage door opens and the audience rush in, all extremely excited. Among them are the not-so-newlyweds, Howard and Vince Noir-Moon. Howard appears skittish, reluctant and quite dishevelled, and not in a sexy way. Vince just looks good, if a little frustrated.
Howard: What are we gonna do, Vince?
Vince: Don't worry Howard; everything's gonna be alright.
Vince drags Howard into the stalls and finds them seats next to the aisle. The music fades out, and the audience watches the opening titles of 'Dalston Dossier'. On the soundstage, the opening anthem is about to begin. The performers are inhabiting different environments between the letters, with Gideon in what appears to be a plush hotel room with a sexy ambience, dressed in a ballroom gown, Tommy among cameras and sound equipment, Graham what looks suspiciously like a dominatrix's dungeon, Neon and Ultra in an alley, Lester on a large leather sofa, and Lance next to him wrapped around a poledancing pole, with Monkey standing in front.
Monkey (singing): You'll find new pop stars and talent competitions,
And people with strange medical conditions
In Dalston.
Monkey leaves the stage as the song continues.
Tommy (singing): You'll find media moguls who cause offence,
Gideon (singing): And slinky, snakelike elegance
In Dalston.
Graham (singing): You'll find low-lit clubs
And a high-class sex shop,
And the people there always look hot.
You'll be number one if you can act or sing,
Graham approaches Neon and Ultra, who are facing backwards and dressed in parody cheerleader costumes, combining ripped miniskirts and low-cut tops with savage-looking knee boots, large tattoos and heavy jewellery.
Graham (singing): And Dalston girls
Will do anything.
Neon and Ultra turn round, revealing that their faces are covered in war paint and expressions that suggest that the only thing more slashed than their outfits is whoever suggested they wear them.
Neon/ Ultra (singing): You might call us a pair of cheap slags.
We look easy but we do have standards.
And you'll always know if you live in Dalston
That whores are never as bad as those who have them.
Lester (singing): If you want a life of nothing but pleasure
Lance (singing): Come and look around at your leisure.
Lester (singing): Then come back again,
Lance (singing): And again and again,
Lester/ Lance (singing): And again.
The audience joins in with the chorus, dancing in their seats, all in synch. Vince joins in, his enthusiasm spoiled only by Howard, who sits still and stony-faced.
Vince/ Audience (singing): Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,
You're the gold streets where only tramps drown.
Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,
You're the home of pop
Where life never stops,
You're Dalston where the rave goes down.
Gideon (singing): This is the Mecca of the UK,
Tommy (singing): The Holy Land without the vultures,
Gideon (singing): This is the birthplace of the glorious,
Tommy (singing): The Pad of Pop Culture.
Lance (singing): Of you're coming down, well, why wait?
Lester (singing): You'll only need one day, and you'll never go away.
Neon/ Ultra (singing): And Dalston parties don't stop for five days straight.
Vince/ Audience (singing): Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,
You're the gold streets where only tramps drown.
Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,
You're the home of pop
Where life never stops,
You're Dalston where the rave goes down.
The audience gets to their feet, and Vince drags Howard into standing, and he stands mute as Vince sings and dances with the rest of the audience.
Vince/ Audience (singing): Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,
You're the gold streets where only tramps drown.
Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,
You're the acceptable face
Of the human race,
You're Dalston where the rave goes down.
On a smaller soundstage, Leroy, who is currently recovering from emergency facial surgery, is sitting at a newscaster's desk next to Rudi van di Sarzio. Leroy's face is obscured by bandages, but not so much that the coy glances he continuously flashes at Rudi are lost.
Leroy (to camera): So, wasn't that… rehearsed. And now for (he giggles shyly) my favourite part of the show, our regular in-depth discussion with Rudi van di Sarzio, Dalston's leading Priest of the Order of the Psychadelic Monks. (to Rudi) Mr van di Sarzio, did you enjoy our anthem?
Rudi: Hmm… in a way.
Leroy: You don't sound sure? Do you perhaps feel that such screaming choruses of empty words are overly manipulative?
Throughout their exchange, Leroy is staring goggle-eyed at Rudi.
Rudi: Well, Leroy, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly. Offers of money, extortion…
As Rudi speaks, Monkey climbs up to where Vince and Howard are sitting in the audience.
Monkey: Hello Howard, Vince. Have you come for Marriage Maze?
Vince nods.
Monkey: I am exhausted from working on this documentary for Mr Boon's new show.
Vince: Who?
Monkey: Harold Boon, our new sponsor.
Vince: Oh yeah, that prick.
Monkey: Prick he may be, but is the closest thing I have found to a successful man in this town. Even my Rudi no longer uses his new sound and spends all the days doing interviews for unpopular magazine shows.
At the news desk, Rudi is finishing his interview.
Rudi: … and lies.
Leroy: Thank you, Mr Rudi van di Sarzio. We'll see you after these adverts.
An advert plays, involving Lance Dior dancing sexually and being set upon by various men and women dressed in costumes. It ends in a message proclaiming the wonders of Harold Boon's Identity Wonderdrug. As the advert ends, the studio is readied for the Marriage Maze show, and Leroy and Rudi leave their news desk for Pete's coffee stand.
Leroy: Thank you for another wonderful interview, Mr van di Sarzio.
Rudi: Leroy, I think by now you may call me Rudi.
Leroy (practically swooning): Oh, Rudi, you're so tolerant. Do you have time for a coffee break before you go?
Rudi: Normally I do not drink of the Devil's pep pills, but for you I will, if you do not mind being seen in the company of an older man.
Leroy: Well, since Lester and I separated, maturity has been something I look for in a man.
People call to them from the audience, and Monkey rushes up to them.
Monkey: Hello Leroy. Oh, you must keep up such a high standard of interview, and I will include you in Mr Boon's documentary. You are so probing.
She smiles and rushes off.
Rudi (faintly fondly): A free thinker.
Leroy (slightly worried): Nothing else is free.
They approach Pete's stand.
Pete: Heya, Leroy. Usual?
Leroy: Plus one, mate.
Pete passes two coffees. Leroy finishes quickly, but Rudi only sips. Graham approaches.
Pete: Hi Graham, you sticking around for Marriage Maze?
Graham: Course I am. You know, I used to work with that Vince.
Pete: I know, and Howard too.
Graham: Who?
Pete: Howard.
Graham looks at him blankly.
Pete: The one he married.
Graham continues to stare blankly.
Pete: You know, moustache-man, he stole your electric baton and hit you with it that time.
Graham just shakes his head.
Graham: I've heard this could be a big one for the Ape too.
They are interrupted by a voice introducing the next show.
Tannoy: And now, introducing that terrific torturemaster, helping thousands of couples to get out of the dungeon and turn their relationships into a golden shower, it's the Ape of Death!
Grinning and manic, the hideously unkempt Ape of Death bounds onto the soundstage, to the applause of the frenzied audience.
Ape of Death: Hoopla Dalston!
Audience: Hoopla!
The Ape dances over to the Marriage Maze set, where he places himself between two seats marked HIM and HER.
Ape of Death: Thank you, thank you! Before we start, I just want to tell you all about tomorrow night's great new show, The Faith Factory. And we have the host and his gorgeous co-host in the studio tonight with us. Please give a big hand to Lester Corncrake and the vivacious Lance Dior!
Vince (shouting from audience): Wanker!
The rest of the audience applaud.
Ape of Death: I really really enjoyed your commercial, Lance.
Lance: Thank you very much.
Ape of Death: Really really enjoyed it…
He stands and leers for a few moments, until Lester clears his throat.
Ape of Death: Oh, yes! Is there a great show lined up for tomorrow, Lester?
Lester: There most certainly is, Ape of Death.
Ape of Death: Great! I'll be there! Won't we all, viewers?
The audience cheer and applaud. Back at Pete's coffee stand, Leroy and Rudi watch unimpressed.
Leroy: Lance Dior with my husband, what was I thinking? Still, the weaker the man, the bigger the prick.
Rudi (pointing): Is that Vince and Howard Noir-Moon in the audience. They have always seemed such a beautiful couple. More than anyone else in Dalston, they represent the true values, of unconditional love despite contrasting personalities.
Ape of Death: And now, would the first couple who have left their marriage handcuffed and wound up whipped come down please! You!
In the audience, Vince is ecstatic and Howard is terrified.
Vince: That's us, Howard!
Ape of Death: Come on down, come on down!
Howard: I'm not going, Vince.
Vince: You've got to- everyone's watching.
They come down to the soundstage to loud applause. As they get to the set, they hesitate before the heterosexual-orientated design, before Vince sighs angrily and sits in the HER seat.
Vince: You know, everyone thinks it anyway.
Ape of Death: Okay, face the cameras and introduce yourselves.
Both Howard and Vince start talking at the same time, and then shut up, each thinking the other will speak first. Both speak together, and shut up. The same thing happens again, and they sit, glaring at each other silently for a moment.
Vince: I'm Vince Noir-Moon, and this is my civil partner, Howard.
Ape of Death: So Howard, we've been hearing some bad things about you, haven't we Vince.
Leroy and Rudi look on shocked, as Vince hesitates and Pete sniggers.
Ape of Death: Haven't we, Vince.
Vince: Oh, yeah. He needs help.
Ape of Death: Help? Let's face it, Vince- Howard's an emotional cripple!
The Ape of Death laughs hysterically, joined by the audience, and a dark, affronted look creeps onto Vince's face. Howard does his best to humour them and laughs weakly, while Leroy and Rudi are still staring, ignoring the guffawing Pete and Graham behind them.
Vince: Um, yeah, I know…
Ape of Death: It looks like Rest Home for this stupid marriage, huh?
The audience cheer their approval, and Vince smiles nervously.
Ape of Death: So, Vince, do you watch Dalstonvale?
Vince: I've seen it a couple of times.
Ape of Death: It's DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those unrivalled hypnotherapeutic neurospecialists, Doctors Anthrax and Ebola. And I think it's time Vince, that you sent Howard to them for treatment.
Vince: Look, I know he's a bit thick, and he's boring sometimes, but… neurospecialists? Isn't that a bit extreme?
Ape of Death: There's no use hesitating, we have to cut quick and deep.
By the coffee stand, Rudi whispers to Leroy.
Rudi: Have I seen these neuro-devils before?
Leroy: Probably, the Ape brought them over from Transylvania. Apparently they had a knack for converting vanilla lovers to their partner's kinky fantasies. It was that that brought them together- some bloodplay while dressed as spider monkeys got a little extreme, and they cut a deal. Surely you've seen them on Dalstonvale?
Rudi: No. I do not watch such things.
Back on the soundstage, the Ape of Death is shouting to the audience.
Ape of Death: There is only one solution- one, two three!
Audience: Dalstonvale!
Howard looks increasingly nervous.
Ape of Death: Don't go away. We'll be back after these commercials to see if Vince and Howard want to play or pass.
The audience applauds, and Rudi looks up to the 'Pad of Pop Culture' sign to see a silhouetted figure moving around behind it. On the soundstage, Vince and Howard sigh with relief. The Ape of Death leans down to speak to Vince as he leaves the stage.
Ape of Death: Congratulations, Vince. I think you've made a wise decision.
Vince: But I-
The Ape has gone before he can finish. Howard stands up.
Howard: Vince, I'm not going.
Vince: What d'you mean, you're not going? You'll ruin the show.
Howard: I don't need treatment.
He goes to move forward, but stumbles and knocks over a jug of coloured drink.
Ape of Death (shouting from across the studio): But you could use a new pair of feet, huh, stupid! Doesn't he?
The audience laugh madly at Howard. Vince snaps.
Vince: I'm sick of being humiliated by you! The Ape's right! You're going!
Howard just looks at him, stunned into silence. The adverts begin, and products flash one by one onto a screen. The first is an electric guitar.
Howard (singing): Dear Fender, oh won't you help a first offender?
Cigarette lighter, don't you put the burn on me.
Designer rollerskaters, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?
Dear music store, oh won't you help me to face life more?
Porno magazine, don't you put the dirt on me.
GHD straight'ner, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?
Vince (singing): Everything used to be okay,
But I've been devoured
And Howard, I'm cowered to say
Is on his way.
Hash-inspired baker, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?
Film by Tim Burton, oh won't you help me to be certain?
Magnetic earrings, don't you put the squeeze on me.
Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?
Tannoy: And now it's back to Marriage Maze, and for Dalstonvale fans, here is our special guest.
Johnny Two-Hats, dressed in a funked-up male nurse's uniform, naturally with two caps on, enters with a wheelchair, smiling.
Ape of Death: It's Johnny from the Rest Home!
Johnny: Hey, Mr Death!
Ape of Death: Hello Johnny.
Johnny: I've come for Mr Noir-Moon.
Ape of Death: Howard will learn to care in the surgical chair.
The audience cheers.
Johnny approaches Vince and Howard.
Johnny: Nothing serious, I hope.
Vince: No. just a checkup.
Ape of Death: Just a checkup, indeed.
The audience laughs
Vince: Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?
Johnny forces Howard into the wheelchair and pushes him out, with Vince following.
Tannoy: The Ape has done it again! Another rocky marriage is heading for intensive care.
Ape of Death: The subject is committed!
The camera and lights switch off, and the Ape mutters to the stage manager.
Ape of Death: As are we all.
Johnny leads Howard and Vince into the office of Doctors Anthrax and Ebola as the Dalstonvale credits show.
Voice-over: Dalstonvale: The Arrival. Introducing Vince and Howard Noir-Moon.
Anthrax and Ebola are sitting together at a desk. Neither is dressed as a doctor, and it can just be seen that one of Ebola's wrists is handcuffed to the desk.
Anthrax: Mr and Mr Noir-Moon, lovely to see you. I'm Mistress-Doctor Anthrax, and this is my sister and colleague, Doctor Ebola.
Ebola gives a mirthless, almost mocking smile and motions with her free hand for them to sit down.
Ebola: We understand you've been going through some pretty… dark times.
Vince: Well, yeah, we have…
Howard: Listen, there's nothing really wrong with me! Vince and I just haven't been getting along too well and I've a had a few problems-
Johnny sneaks up behind him and jams a hypodermic into his neck, and then pushes him over onto the desk, where he lies unconscious. Anthrax and Ebola lean over him, Ebola leaning only as far as the handcuffs will allow, and Anthrax shines a penlight into his eyes, but doesn't really look at it.
Anthrax: Does he do this often?
Vince: No, he's never done that before.
Anthrax: Then there's still some hope for him.
Ebola: If anyone can help him, we can.
Vince: Well, he does need help.
As Johnny helps Howard's unconscious form back into the wheelchair, Nurse Diva, who wears a uniform that was probably bought from Ann Summers, and who Vince vaguely remembers as once having an interest in Howard, enters.
Anthrax: Diva, it's about time.
Diva: Well that was real short notice, because I was seeing to your guinea pigs, a few more of them died today-
Ebola: Attend to Mr Noir-Moon, nurse.
Diva: Which one?
Anthrax: The one that's unconscious.
Diva begins to mess around with Howard's wheelchair, as Anthrax waves a contract in front of Vince's face.
Anthrax: Just a few little things, a contract to be signed.
Diva bends lover, turning so that her barely-covered behind and small black knickers are right in Vince's face. Anthrax leans over and swats her with the contract.
Vince: Could I do that later?
Ebola: Of course.
Vince follows as Diva pushes Howard away. Diva leans over to whisper to him.
Diva: Sign the contract tomorrow.
In the office, Anthrax has unlocked Ebola's handcuffs, and is pushing her way out of the door. Ebola, following, is hit in the nose.
Anthrax: Mr Noir-Moon, just a few details! Does your husband have any living relatives? Any blood relatives?
Vince: None that we speak to. Can we sort this later, please?
Ebola: Of course, dearest.
Anthrax and Ebola retreat, arm-in-arm and a little put out, into their office, as Diva pushes Howard into a ward.
Vince: So why shouldn't I sign now?
Diva: This way you get the first day free.
Vince nods as they go into the ward. He doesn't notice that the neon sign above the door reads 'TERMINAL'.