Title: Should have, Shouldn't have

Author: Omnicat

Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Junichi Sato & co's Prétear anime, up until at least episode 10.

Warnings: None.

Characters & Relationships: Hayate & Goh & Kei; Sasame x Takako in absentia.

Summary: Feelings of guilt and blame threaten to break the remaining Knights apart now that their 'heart' has been ripped from their midst.

Author's Note: Set somewhere between episodes 10 and 11, after Himeno ran away from home and Sasame joined Takako, when they were staying in the old church at night and running around town fighting demon larvae during the day. Enjoy!

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Should have, Shouldn't have

He doesn't know why and he doesn't know how, but it hurts. It hurts like his heart has already been ripped from his chest. It hurts so much he wants to scream. But this isn't his own pain – yet. This pain is brought to him from another, as a punishment, a preview. The sword has yet to strike. It's the color of amethyst, like his eyes.

And then those eyes are in front of him, and his own heart is ripped out.

Hayate shot upright with a strangled scream on his lips. A chill enveloped his suddenly exposed body as the blanket fell away. He sat up on his pew, clutching a hand to his chest. It was still hammering. Still there, aching. Just a dream...

"Hayate?"

An orb of light came floating over his shoulder, and Kei and Goh appeared from the darkness. Their footsteps echoed through the church... echoed unnaturally... Hayate looked away, squinting.

"Another nightmare, huh?" Kei said.

Hayate nodded. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"You didn't wake us."

The Knights of Light and Fire sat down on either side of Hayate.

"Then what are you doing up?"

"I won't be able to stay on my feet in the morning if I have to keep this entire place warm tonight –" Goh motioned to the chilly shadows around them. "– so I'm making house calls every few hours," he said with a weak smile, and started rubbing circles on his friend's back. Warmth began to flow into Hayate.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

They sat there for a while in silence. In Kei's soft glow Hayate could see Himeno's chest move up and down in the pew in front of him, but he couldn't hear her breathe. He knew it wasn't his ears that were screwy. The sound hadn't simply left, it had turned on them and was now trying to smother everything.

"It's all my fault again," Hayate said after a while, his voice low. "I should have noticed something was wrong with him."

There was no need to ask who he meant with 'him'. He'd been on all of their minds constantly ever since he'd left. More than ever before, in fact. Hayate felt like the embodiment of the irony of that.

"Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't have known," said Kei curtly. He was definitely not a night person.

"I should have. He was my best friend. No offence to you guys, but..."

"We know," Goh assured him, remembering with pain in his heart the previous Knight of Ice and how different things were now, with Mannen as his successor. "Don't worry about it."

"I should have known when he stopped laughing," Hayate said, balling his hands on his thighs. "He used to laugh more, really laugh. Remember? Always trying to lighten the mood, and making girls blush."

In the oppressive silence and darkness of the present, the past kept echoing in his head, from one side to another and back again. When he was young, the silver-haired Knight had loved to tease people, and could laugh about the smallest things, infecting all around him with the sound. That was, until Takako came and he was stunned into silence...

But they had all changed when they found their Prétear. For the first time in a generation, the fate of the world had been at stake. Playtime was over, Hayate had figured; time to grow up.

"I knew Takako had changed him, but I never bothered to ask about how he felt."

"Stop claiming all the blame for yourself," Kei snapped. "You were closest to Sasame –" Hayate flinched from the name he'd been trying to avoid saying or hearing or even thinking, ever since that day. "– true, but I was the mature, responsible one. I should have seen it too."

"And me," Goh added, gripping Hayate's shoulder. "We survived too, remember? We've been there too, all along. Right by your and Sasame's side."

"Even if you felt isolated, you know we never thought of pushing you away. You two –" Kei pricked Hayate in the chest, right where it hurt. "– brought it onto yourselves. You with your thick-headed over-sensitivity and Sasame by walking around like a lovesick puppy. It's entirely his own fault that she's treating him like a dog on a leash now."

Hayate jerked his shoulder from Goh's suddenly heated grasp. "Ah, dammit, Goh!"

The spiky-haired Knight quenched the fireball that had almost scorched Hayate in his fist as he jumped up, hissing: "Shut up, Kei."

"What is it, can't handle the truth?" the Knight of Light taunted, looking up at Goh unfazed by his blazing temper. "I'd love to be there when she commands him to heel and bark. I'm willing to bet he'd do it too."

"Shut up!" Goh's exclamation was just a little too loud, and he quickly looked around to see if no-one had woken up before turning to Kei again and hissing: "Just because you don't have a heart –"

"Stop it!" Hayate stood up and swirled around, knocked Goh back into the pew and pushed Kei, who had wanted to rise as well, down. His throat burned, his voice was hoarse. "Haven't we suffered enough losses already? This is not a time for internal conflict."

Kei and Goh glared at him, then looked away into the darkness. Hayate knew he needed to say something, but he couldn't find the words. This had always been the job of the Knight of Sound...

We're such a bunch of idiots. We let the heart of our group wither and rot, and now look what's become of us.

Goh was the first to speak, surprisingly. He rose. "The kids... they're having a hard enough time dealing with the situation as it is. They're confused and don't know who to trust anymore. Losing one of the foundations of their life is enough, we shouldn't scar them any further."

He stiffly stuck his hand out at Kei. The blond Knight seemed impressed and, if that was even possible, humbled. He mumbled something that was probably meant as an apology and shook the offered hand. After a few awkward moments, Goh and Kei simultaneously announced that they should be going back to sleep, and left for their blankets.

Hayate tried to get comfortable on his pew. It seemed more impossible the more he tried.

They'd screwed up. Totally screwed up. Goh was right. It really wasn't fair that the younger ones had to suffer from their mistakes. Some responsible 'big brothers' they'd been. Home and family were supposed to be save havens, free of the darkness they had to fight at too young an age. But at least Mannen, Hajime and Shin could still get a second chance. If only their older brothers did their job right this time around. At least, that's what Hayate hoped.

Kei, Goh, Hayate and Sasame, though, were screwed for the rest of their lives. No matter how long or short those would be. No matter what would happen. The way things were now, Hayate couldn't see one single happy ending. But...

They were fairytale Knights with a real life Princess. Shouldn't they get their miracle too?

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PSAN: The 'Sasame stopped laughing' thing is inspired by the difference between manga!Sasame and anime!Sasame; from one version of the story to the other, he literally stopped laughing. The Sasame in the anime still flirts and teases a bit, but only a tiny bit compared to his manga counterpart. And probably the biggest difference in their stories? Takako.

Comments on older stories will always remain welcome. :)