Discalmer: I didn't write this story, my friend did and I just HAD to post it. And neither of us own Harry Potter, that's JKR sobs
Warning: This is a comedy. If you are not amused by evil muffins, gangsta house-elves, incorrect titles and boys PMSing, you should read no further.
Anyways, let us read the comicness of my friend Ronika, who is a genius.
Pt 1.
The Bite
One seemingly normal morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Ron Weasley reached for a cinnamon muffin to place on his already overflowing plate. Until it bit his finger. "Bloody Hell! How many things in this damn school are bewitched?" Hermione, without looking up from her copy of Witches Weekly, replied, "Just 'bout everything." Ron retorted, "Even the food?" Hermione, not expecting that response, looked up for the first time in 20 full minutes, said, for probably the first time in her life, "Huh?" Ron said matter-of-factly, "My muffin bit me." Hermione hurriedly got up and walked to the place where Harry was having his breakfast next to Ginny, and spoke to him. "Harry, there's something amiss!" Harry instantaneously answered,"Isn't there always?" "Oh, yeah, well, there's something new." Harry looked at her. "Well, shit. Don't I have enough on my hands?!" Hermione thought about this. It usually took a very small time to do so. "Gee Harry, you sound like you're PMSing." Harry turned red, shoved the rest of his toast in his mouth, got up and walked off in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. Ginny and Hermione looked at each other. Then they, and half of the Gryffindors, bursted out laughing. Once that died down, Hermione sat next to Ron, who was seated very far from the muffin platter. "I suppose we're on are on our own." Ron responded "I guess we should change the title of this story since Harry's not in it." Hermione looked slightly offended at his stupidity. "Well, we can't fix it now Ronald!"
Pt. 2
The Entrance
While Harry was taking care of his personal needs, Hermione and Ron were in front of the portrait of the bowl of fruit. "How the hell did we get here? Not a second ago we were in the Great Hall!" "It's the wonder of writing, Ron! Did you ever learn how to do that?" "Of course! Before I met you I had to do it all the time. But since then I've gotten a bit rusty…" "Oh bother! Which one is it?" Hermione cried, tickling the apple, then the grapes. Ron gave his standard reply of, "Dunno." Finally, after the peach, banana, orange, pomegranate, apricot, mango, raspberries, cumquats, and the rest of the fruit in the bowl, she finally found the pear's sensitive spot. The duo found themselves in the vast kitchen of Hogwarts. House-elves were running around the room in random directions trying to look busy. Ron bellowed with fake authority, "Oi! You all!" His voice echoed throughout the kitchen, all the house-elves had stopped in their tracks and stared at him. "Who made this morning's muffins?" No one made a move. "Come on! Somebody speak up!" A small house-elf with a voice so high that could have excited a dog stepped forward and said "Ditty made today's cinnamon muffins."
Pt. 3
The Secret Ingredient
Ditty was sitting on a stool in a corner. His part of the kitchen was dark in contrast to the majority of the room, which was bright and cheery. He wore a dark cloak with a hood which seemed to suck up the light. His presence was not unlike a dementor's, sucking the happiness out of the entire place. Hermione was on the verge of conjuring a patronus when Ditty spoke. "Whazzup yo? How's the chillin in the hizzle?" Hermione was speechless, but Ron immediately replied,"What's the haps, dawg?" then joined the cloaked figure in a complex handshake. When they had finished their collection of snaps, claps and random other movements, Hermione managed to ask Ditty "What exactly did you put in the muffins today, Ditty?" "Oh some flour, sugar, some cinnamon, a dash of Blast-Ended Skrewt blood—" he was interrupted by a series of loud bangs from above. Shortly after, Colin Creevy burst in and announced, "MUFFINS ARE INVADING THE SCHOOL!!" "Oh thanks Ditty, we have all the information we need, Colin, we'll be right there, Ron, we have to go!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him after her out the portrait hole. She stepped on a muffin or two as she went up the stairs in her search for Harry. Ron squished a dozen. After each of them bit him in a completely different place. He was unhappy.
Pt. 4
The New Look
Near the Fat Lady's portrait, they saw Harry with his back turned to them, talking to Lavender Brown and Pavarti Patil. "And he was like, 'Avada Kedavra' and he was like, dead." "Harry?" Hermione asked. He spun around, and revealed the skirt he was wearing. (AN: really funny picture in my mind at this part) "Umm, Harry, are you wearing a skirt?" "Yes, and so are you." "Yes, but Ron's not. Colin's not. None of the males in this school are!" "Snape is! He's wearing a dress! And heels!" "Do you want to be like Snape?" Ron piped up, "Harry, are those breasts?" "HELP! THE MUFFINS--" Came a cry from below. Everyone ran towards the noise. Hagrid was surrounded by muffins on the first floor. The five fifteen-year-olds started firing random spells and charms, but they all seemed to bounce off the muffins. All hope seemed lost…
Pt. 5
The Rescue
Then, when they were almost about to surrender, in came a load of new muffins! These were chocolate, and they started to fight their cinnamon counterparts. This time, they actually began to lessen the number of their enemies. The half-giant, witches and wizards, ahem, wizard, tended to their wounded while the battle continued. Soon, all cinnamon muffins were gone, and the chocolate ones had defeated them! When asked, Ditty admitted he made the Blast-Ended Skrewt blood muffins on purpose, saying he wanted more excitement in the castle. But he reassured everyone that he had the chocolate ones ready to pop in the oven to finish them off.
Pt. 6
The Clean-Up
A few days later, a screwed up form of peace settled within the castle. The muffins were sealed and refrigerated, ready to be nuked if the need arose. Harry was seen snogging Draco Malfoy after the adventure.(AN: I love that last sentence) Ron found he was able to eat muffins again. Hermione found herself liking Harry's choice of clothing. Colin Creevy was never found.