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Faith's POV

"Faith?" I make no movement at the sound of my name, and keep staring out the window. There's nothing much out there but the city lights in the dark. Out of the slight of courtesy I had left within me, I reply.

"Yea, B?"

"Remember when you...when we switched bodies? And we were fighting in the church?" I cringe inwardly, but I turn to face Ms. Golden Girl with a smile.

"Yea. Sorry about that, B. I didn't mean to pummel your face in." Sarcasm, but in a strange way, I meant it.

"I know." I say nothing. She pauses to look away, then gazes into my eyes.

"Because you weren't pummeling my face in." What?

"Well yea, but it was you inside my body."

"Exactly." Again, what?!

"What do you mean, exactly?" She's in front of me, toe to toe with that intense look on her face when she "means business". I'm thinking auto-defense mode by now.

"It was you." I don't like where this is going.

"Listen, B. I know we've had some rough times, but-"

"No. I mean that it was you. You didn't hit because it was me inside your body. That wasn't even considered inside your head, was it?" I freeze, I can't look at her, so I turn away. Still she goes on.

"You did it because you were looking at yourself. Weren't you, Faith?" I feel my heart skip a beat. Damnit.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"But you do," Her voice starts rising.

"You were screaming at me, telling me that I was nothing. That I was a murdering bitch. I thought about it for a long time, Faith. Then I realized you were just looking at yourself, screaming at yourself, judging yourself-"

"Shut up."

Her voice trails off. She lightly touches my arm and whispers hoarsely.

"...hurting yourself..." I choke back a sob. When the hell did I get this soft? I laugh; it sounds so bitter.

"So you think you've finally figured me out, huh, B? Think you've got it all down pat?"

"Faith-" I whirl around and face her with resentment.

"You don't know anything. You don't know jack about who I am. And you think trying to psycho-analyze me and making me feel like some child who lost her way is going to help that? Fuck no!" I didn't expect her to back down. I'd be worried if she did. And of course, she never seems to let me down.

"Well let me tell you something, Faith. You act like you're the victim in this situation; in all those situations, but you weren't and you aren't. And truth be told, you never will be. You're just afraid to accept responsibilities for your reckless actions, and you know it!" One must admit, she really never fails to tell the truth to a girl. I feel that old rage itching to bust over the top. I force it down through grit teeth.

"Buffy." She stops. I never call her by her name. Must be weird for her. Nothing new to me. I don't remember much about people, and demons, calling me by my name. Maybe a few.

"Oh you little whore, I'm gonna enjoy this." The lovely stench of hard, cheap liquor. I'm ten years old again. I try not to think, I try to force my mind onto other things. Happier times. Moments in life where I felt alive?
I listen to the screams of my Watcher, my very first, those pleading and strong pair of eyes that made me freeze into position. I can hear his snarls; his laughter.

"Once I am done with her, you will be next, Slayer bitch!"

"Run, Faith! Run!" Her last words, and I watched her die.

"No!" I cried out, I rushed to her side and held her in my arms. How heavy it was.

I bring myself out of the flashbacks. She uses the time to form more words.

"Faith, you don't even know how badly you hurt us. How you betrayed us, used us. You created mess after mess, and you think you're the victim here? That in some twisted way, you're the good guy after all?" I see that sarcastic, condescending laugh on her face.

"You are sick. We erased you from our past because we wanted to. But I guess until you're dead, you'll always come back, just to spice things up. Five by five, right? Just keep telling yourself you were needed. I thought you could be my friend, but I guess you surprised me. We never needed someone like you in our town." Oh how those words hurt. How they sting in just the right places.

"I mean, yea. We may have needed you in the beginning, but-" I can't stand it anymore. I can't. It's rushing through my body and as soon as I open my mouth, I know I can't stop it.

"You know why you guys needed me, then? Convenience. Isn't that right, B? Remember a little after I got into town? When Dog-boy needed someone to watch after him? Why use anybody important? We can just use the other slayer, right? We don't have to fill her in on anything, just use her. Forget that we never had her in any of our meetings, we just point and she'll do what we tell her, right? Even Joyce, B. She only liked me because I would be the only chance you could have gone to college and fulfilled her dreams of you being the perfect girl again. Isn't that all you needed from me, B? Or actually, isn't that all I was? Still am? A backup plan?" I take a moment to catch my breath, and of course, she feels the need to interject.

"That's not true. I, we, cared about you, gave you all the chances in the world to-"

"To what, B? To run? I don't remember anyone trying to stop me unless it was to blame me for the mess. And actually, I remember a certain someone wanting me gone, just in a more...permanent way."

"Faith-"

"Oh yea, B. The goodbye stab was great. We should do that again sometime. Real quality time. You made a smart remark that I would've done the same to you. Remember that, B? Would it surprise you if I told you why I never answered that directly? Because I wouldn't." I guess I hit a nerve. She jumped all over that.

"Yes you would've, Faith. Any of us. All of us. And especially me."

"See, B? Again with the not trusting bit. It was always there, and still is like that. I can feel the damn guard that everybody puts up around me. Even the fucking Potentials. I guess everyone can feel the "evil" inside me, huh, B? I went to kill Angel because I knew he could kill me. I would've gone to...well. Back to you to finish the job you started, but I figured at least he'd understand that part of who I was. Who I am. That at least he'd care when he killed me. But any of you, B, and I would've died without a single soul that cared."

I pause to take a deep, irritatingly shaky breath. Yea, I do have a larger vocabulary than is thought. I missed out on school, not on intelligence. I say what I say in short, I never take the time to say it the way I think it. But I'm straying. This has to end, something in my chest is killing me.

"So. Fuck you, Buffy 'Golden Girl' Summers. And your self-righteous, can-do-no-wrong bullshit. I know none of you really want me here, and now that the job's done, I'll be gone in the morning. That soon enough for you, B?"

I didn't want an answer, so I walked out of her room and towards my "room". Damn. Why is this hurting so bad? Oh wait. Now I remember. I clutched at my burning chest and I reach my door. I close the door and let myself collapse behind it, wondering if what I did was a good idea. Too late now. I said what I needed to say, and now it's time to leave. Fuck, I'm blacking out. Guess...I fucking...told her...