He stole my first kiss.
I didn't even realize what was happening. It was just the two of us in the classroom after school, doing our very first assignment as class representatives to fill in the class journal. We almost didn't talk at all during the short period. After all, we barely knew each other as first year students. And it didn't take us that long to finish; I was about to stand up and return the book to the faculty room when it suddenly happened.
All I remember was seeing a glimpse of his emerald colored eyes… before our lips met.
Wha—what…?! My whole body goes stiff. And my mind is blank. With each passing second, my heart pounds even faster I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. That is when, almost automatically, I push him away by the chest with both hands.
"I-I…" I stutter at my words, avoiding his eyes. "Sorry…"
As I dash out of the room without even glancing his way, I wonder idly to myself why I apologized. It was his fault! If anyone should apologize, it should be him! We barely knew each other and he… he… he kissed me!
And… and… I can taste tears in my mouth. It was my first kiss, too… My vision is starting to blur as I run out of the school building, bumping into some people in the process. But I don't even bother to apologize; I don't care. All I want is to run away from there as soon as possible… and do something about this weird painful sensation I'm feeling in my chest.
"Alright, guys… I know it hasn't been long since you guys entered this school, but we need to choose our class representatives," the teacher said that morning, turning his head around the whole class. "Any volunteers? If not, then we'd have to vote."
I didn't dare to look, but I knew, like me, most of my classmates were probably avoiding eye contact with him, too. Some even started murmuring among themselves, calling names, pointing fingers. I could hear some of them.
Saeran should be the representative!
Saeran? That guy sitting in the corner?
Sssshh! He'll hear you!
Saeran… I know him. His seat is at the back, on the right corner of the class – the seat by the window. Since my seat is also near the back row, I sometimes glance his way. Well, even without that, he quite stands out in the class. It's not every day I see someone with striking red hair. But for me it is more about something else; it is the color of his eyes, which is emerald green, almost mint-colored. He doesn't talk much; one or two boys tried approaching him before, but all they got was a cold glare, which creates quite a presence for him. But a number of times now, I notice him looking sideways at the sky, through the window. He always has this thin, yet very peaceful smile on his face whenever he does.
It is then, and only then, that those beautiful eyes of him sparkle.
I was too deep in my own thoughts that I didn't realize the teacher was calling my name. Flustered, I quickly stood up. "Y-yes, sir?"
"You weren't listening?" The older man sighed. "Anyways, you and Saeran are this class' representatives, so for starters, please take the journal in the faculty room after school today."
Ehhh…? Ehhhh?! How did it get to this? I turned my head around the class and noticed Saeran standing up, too. He looked annoyed… probably at the others for voting for him to become the class representative. The whole class was staring and whispering that I couldn't help but look down at embarrassment. It felt like an eternity before the teacher finally told us to sit back down and resumed the lessons.
I can't face him properly for a while after that.
For some reason, my mind always feels hazy and I keep losing my focus… even during classes. But especially, when it comes to interacting with him. Whenever I see him in class, or whenever the teacher asks us to do something, I will always get very nervous. My heart will start beating unbelievably fast, my face gets flushed more often than I'd like it to, and I cannot meet his eyes. I can't even talk to him properly, which is troublesome since we are both class representatives.
While I think I sort of have an idea why, I can't quite sort my thoughts and feelings. It's just that… since that day, whenever I see him, I am constantly reminded of what happened. No matter what I do, my stupid mind keeps replaying that kiss. I keep remembering how he stared at me as he leaned closer… the color of his eyes as they flashed briefly before the kiss… and how his lips felt on mine. Ugh… This is so unlike me that I barely recognize myself. That's why, I tend to avoid him if I have the choice, which I don't, most of the time.
But sadly, that's not the only thing throwing me off my pace. Although my very first thought upon seeing him is to run away, sometimes – mostly without realizing – my eyes wander off and find themselves staring at him, especially in class. At times too, my chest tightens painfully when I don't see him for a while. I run away, but I feel like… I feel like I miss him when I do. It's embarrassing to be around him, but it hurts when I don't. Just what kind of feeling is this?
Worse yet, while my life has basically been thrown around after a single kiss, he seems to be doing just fine. He goes to class like usual, spends his time staring at the sky like usual, doesn't talk a lot like usual, and – weirdly the mere thought of this hurts me – treats me like usual.
I don't get it; despite everything, I keep waiting for him to talk about what happened. There are plenty of chances for him to do so, as we tend to spend about half an hour after school alone, doing something the teacher asks us to do. But he never said anything, not even a single hint. We never talked much to begin with, and even what happened doesn't seem to change that.
Just like that, two months passed since then… and I'm still not okay.
Maybe… maybe it meant nothing to him? The thought comes to me suddenly, bringing an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. I sigh in frustration. Seriously, what's wrong with me? Why do I feel sad? No way… Could I possibly…? I shake my head, stopping the thought. I must be going crazy.
I heard someone call my name. I look up and think my heart might've skipped a beat or two as I see Saeran. It happened again… it's just him! Calm down! "The teacher called us."
As usual, his voice sounds deep and somewhat cold. Trying to calm my pounding heartbeat, hoping the sound wouldn't somehow leak out, I nod and stand up, following him to the faculty room. It is already after school, so the teacher will probably hand us the journal and ask us to fill it in again.
Maybe… I should be the one starting it? I think as we walk side by side in silence. At this rate, we'll never going to talk.
"We're here," he says, stopping my train of thoughts and making me jump a little. "How long are you going to keep walking?"
Whoa… I stop walking, realizing I almost walk past the faculty room. Not knowing what else to do, I let out an awkward laugh and quietly follow him as he enters. For a second there, I thought he was going to start talking about… what happened.
As soon as we're inside, as I expected, the teacher tells us to fill in the journal again. He also gives us some print-outs to sort out. I go out first, bringing the journal with me, while Saeran follows behind me with the print-outs in his hands.
Maybe… maybe this time… he will talk? Maybe… he just needs some time? I can't help thinking as we enter the empty classroom.
Unfortunately, "I'll take care of these," was all he said after that, referring to the print-outs, before he took a seat on his own chair and started working in silence. The only sound in the room is from Saeran sorting out the papers with a stapler, creating a clicking sound every few seconds or so. As he has a big pile of print-outs in front of him, we can't sit across each other like we usually do, so I take a seat on the desk next to his and started writing – and waiting – there.
W-who knows! Maybe… maybe he will talk after we finished this… I think as I write the journal in silence, as well.
Even though I have purposely written in a slower pace just so we could somehow finish together, I still finish my part of the work first. Glancing his way, I see that he has only sorted out about half of the whole thing. Should I wait for him? Will he really talk, though? I'm not sure. I close the journal. But… there's no way he would just keep doing this, not talking, like nothing happened. That's just too—
"You can go first," he says suddenly, which makes me look his way. But his eyes are still on the pile of papers; he isn't even looking this way.
Oh… I realize, looking at the journal on the table. Maybe he meant I could go return this first.
"I'll be right back," I say as I start walking out.
"Leave it," he says, making me stop walking.
Surprised, I look his way. "What?"
"Leave it," he repeats, still not letting his eyes off the papers. "You can go home. I'll take care of the rest."
"Oh, but…" Today, too? So you're really not going to talk?
"You can go."
Really? After all this time… and after this, too? You still won't talk? Ever? "But…" I don't understand this… I don't understand him. Why did he do that? How can he be so calm about this? How can he still act like usual? Why won't he talk? Why am I the only one feeling like this?
Does it even mean anything to you?
He looks shocked as he finally turns this way. Did I say it out loud? "What?"
My eyes are starting to blur from the tears. But I cannot cry now. The tears can wait… now, I just want to make sure this guy gets it. Biting my lower lip to hold the sobs, I repeat, my voice breaking, "Does it even mean anything to you? The kiss? Why did you do that?"
I can't see his expression clearly from the tears. Damn it, why am I such a crybaby? Quite messily, I wipe them with one hand. Still, I can't read his expression. I don't understand it, even though I can see it clearly now. If anything, it seems like he is glaring at me. But that's not everything; he's closer now… standing only a few steps away. I only realize now that he is a lot taller than I am. I take a few steps away from him, which he follows, until my back hits the closed door.
"Tell me," I press him, trying hard not to feel intimidated. I can feel the anger getting stronger inside of me with each passing second without an answer. I've waited enough; I've had enough! Tears start forming in my eyes again. "Tell… me… how dare you did that?" I say in-between the sobs I can no longer hold in. "It… it was my first… kiss!"
He flinches at that. But he says nothing.
"And what's more," I continue. "How dare you to act like nothing happened? Did it ever occur to you in the last two months… to talk to me about it? Does it mean nothing to you, after all?"
He seems hurt. Or are my eyes tricking me? "But that time… so I thought… and you… you are avoiding me."
"Oh, so now you blame me?" I can't believe this guy. "We barely knew each other, for God's sake! Anyone, and I mean anyone, would react that way!"
"So…" His voice sounds hoarse. "Do you hate me now?"
"Yes." Oh, I actually saw it just now. He seems hurt. Is the pain contagious? "But… I hate myself more that I actually liked it." What did I just say?
He pulls another poker face. "What?"
Oh, dear… what am I saying? I take a deep breath. "I… I couldn't stop thinking about that. I couldn't stop thinking about you. And…" This feeling… am I, am I really…? "I-I… I think… I'm in love with you." I can feel my face heating up. It's probably as red as a tomato right now. "There. I said it." He's not saying anything. I let out a long sigh. I don't know what's gotten into me. Why am I saying these things? "Now, can you please move over? I'm going—"
He takes my arm. "Are you sure?"
I avoid his eyes. "That… I… I don't know—"
"I love you." My heart skips a beat.
He leans closer, slowly this time, as if asking for permission. I nod, ever so slightly, closing my eyes shut. Then our lips meet, properly this time.
"So… why did you kiss me that day?"
"That… uhh… you were just… so cute."
"What? I couldn't hear you."
"N-no way I'm repeating that, idiot!"