Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Duh. Continuing on...
A/N: Read. Enjoy. Review.
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Sirius was sitting at the window in his dorm room looking out. Even though he'd seen the view from the tower nearly every day for the past seven years, it still got to him. The winter sunrise was strikingly beautiful. The sun made the entire landscape look blue at first before it turned to reds and oranges. The rays of light seemed to hit every snowflake on the ground and every speck of ice on the frost covered trees. Sirius couldn't help but feel small and insignificant while reveling in the beauty of the world beyond the walls of the school.
Of course, Sirius was never a morning a person, so watching the sunrise was rare unless he was up the entire night. But the night before he had struggled to fall asleep, and once he did his dreams were plagued by the one thing he should never dream about. He awoke in a sweat with his blood flowing hot through his body.
They were always so vivid. He couldn't help but wake up and feel like he was there. Like he was doing the last thing he should be doing. But while dreaming it always felt so right. There were no pangs of guilt. There were no feelings of self hatred that always came upon awaking. There was only him, him and the one thing he desired more than anything else but could never have.
Sirius wasn't one to really care about grades. He didn't care about approval from his family. He didn't even care what other students or professors thought about him. His good looks came natural. The clothes he wore day to day were the first clothes he grabbed in the morning. So many people knew him as the most careless person in the school.
So he couldn't help but wonder why he cared so strongly for the one thing he could only dream of. The one thing that stirred something within him that he wished would just die and go away if it didn't feel so damn good.
Sirius let out a deep sigh as the sun finally showed itself fully. His friends would be waking soon. It was a Hogsmeade weekend and they all had plans. Peter had volunteered to taste test some new sweets from Honeydukes. Surely he'd be busy all day. Remus planned on spending the day with some sixth year Ravenclaw. Sirius hadn't bothered to learn her name. James of course was going to spend the entire day with Lily. He spent a large part of the previous afternoon going over plans with Sirius to make sure that the day went smoothly. James was anxious because this was the first Hogsmeade weekend he and Lily would spend together. A prank that didn't go off as smoothly as planned landed the Marauders in detention for the last Hogsmeade weekend.
Sirius thought his only hope for the weekend was to flirt with the new barmaid at the Three Broomsticks. But it was getting harder for him. Feigning interest in a woman as beautiful as Rosmerta was a struggle. There was only one person he was ever truly interested in. And that person was Lily Evans.
Sirius couldn't help it. Every time he saw her his body reacted to her simple elegance. The way she held herself, the way she walked, the way she talked all screamed that she was too good for him. And Sirius knew it. He wasn't good enough for Lily and he never would be.
It started first year when Lily was sorted into Gryffindor soon after he was. She sat next to him and smiled excitedly. Sirius smiled back before they both turned to watch the rest of the first years get sorted. But that day at that moment Sirius saw the most beautiful thing in Lily's eyes. Looking back he thinks he saw life itself. But her eyes were so vividly green that he got lost in the forest of her young beauty.
Years went by and Sirius admired Lily from afar. He loved how noble she was. He loved how attentive she was in class and she followed the rules from the dots on the i's to the crosses on the t's. If he could he'd be just like her. But he can't resist the urge to cause more trouble than it's worth, except it was always worth it if Lily noticed. Sirius did what he thought was necessary for Lily to notice him, to get her to walk up to him and get close enough that he could get lost in her eyes. He didn't care if she yelled him or thought he was a prick, just so long as she knew he was there.
At least that was until James garnered most of her attention. Sirius will forever regret the day in their second year when he ask James, "Have you ever noticed how green Evan's eyes are?" after they passed her in the hallway. James went on to tease him until he dared Sirius to ask her out. A twelve-year-Sirius could only respond, "No way! You ask her out!" And nearly everyday from then on James asked Lily out until the one fateful day when Lily finally said yes.
So here he was, sitting at the window thinking of Lily Evans, his best mate's girlfriend. But he withdrew those thoughts within himself and prepared for another day of being alone. Another day of pretending not to be madly in love with a girl that was as off limits as possible.
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Sirius was sitting in the kitchens, enjoying his fifth firewhisky. He had left Hogsmeade far too early to return to the common room with dignity. As he was drinking, house elves were bustling around him, occasionally giving him dirty looks. The house elves were happy to serve any student, but they didn't appreciate it when students lingered in their kitchen, impeding their work. Sirius didn't care.
He was working on his sixth when James came running in looking slightly bewildered and angry. "Sirius!"
Sirius snapped to attention. "What?"
"You have got to talk to her. Talk some sense into her. I don't know." James was half rambling, half yelling.
"What in bloody hell are you talking about, mate? Talk to who?" Sirius felt a bit lost as he watched James pace the kitchen floor.
"Lily. You have to talk to Lily." James stopped and looked at his friend. "Go talk to Lily for me. She's gone mad, I swear."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. Everything was going perfect. I did everything you said to do. I said everything you told me to say. Then we were at the Three Broomsticks and I waved at Madam Rosmerta for a couple of drinks. Then Lily went mad. She said I was looking at every girl except for her. And then she mumbled something about "never should have said yes" and ran out. I don't know what's wrong with her. You have to talk to her mate."
"What would I say? Anyways, you know Lily hates me, so why would she listen to me?"
"It doesn't matter. You have to talk to her. Tell her… I don't know… Tell her how much I love her, and tell her I'd never look at another girl because I love her too much. Tell her I can't live without her."
James's pacing had started up again, but much slower. As he was talking, Sirius could sense the pain his friend was feeling. Sirius knew that James really loved Lily, and that without her he would fall apart.
"Okay Prongs. I'll go talk to her, but I can't promise any results."
James went to hug his friend. The embrace took a slightly intoxicated Sirius by surprise. But he gathered his composure quickly and asked, "Where is she?"
"I'm not sure, probably in our common room." With James and Lily as Head Boy and Girl, they shared a common room in their suite, which was not too far from the Gryffindor tower.
"Okay. I'll look for her there first. You should probably stay with Moony and Wormtail tonight, just in case she doesn't cool off. And help yourself to some firewhiskey, mate. It'll be good for you." Sirius gave James a couple pats and the back and took off, leaving James behind with the overly zealous house elves and without saying goodbye.
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Walking down the dimly lit corridors, Sirius wondered what he would say to Lily. But he also wondered what he would do. Being alone with the girl that haunted his dreams, would it be possible for him to hide his feelings? Thoughts swam through his brain, making it a surprise when Sirius arrived at the portrait entrance to the Head suite. He knocked gently at the door. Of course he knew the password, but he felt that entering when he knew James wasn't there was kind of like trespassing.
The picture slowly swung back to reveal the fiery redhead that he grew to love over his few years.
She looked a little apprehensive as she pulled the portrait all of the way open. "Sirius? What are you doing here?"
Gathering his energy, Sirius managed to put an innocent smile on his face and answered, "Just thought I'd stop by for a chat, you know…. Mind if I come in?"
"Yes." She stated before she started to shut the portrait, nearly slamming it against Sirius' face. But he managed to stop it from closing all the way, using his shoulder to keep it open. Soon it became Lily's weight against his own.
"Come on Evans. I just want to talk to you!" "NO! You're here because of James, and I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" Sirius could tell by the breathiness in her voice that she was pushing her weight against the door with much more effort than he was.
"Evans." Sirius said coolly. "I'm not sure what happened between you and Prongs today, but I do know that he is pretty torn up over it." Sirius felt her pressure against the door lessen as he said this.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really. He'd actually be having a nervous breakdown if I hadn't told him I'd come talk to you."
So Sirius was exaggerating a bit, but he was willing to do almost anything to get Lily to listen.
When he finished talking he felt Lily move her body away from the portrait. He stopped leaning on it immediately, which left it slightly ajar.
"Come in then," he heard Lily say, who by the sound of it was moving away from the entrance to the common room.
He cautiously stepped in, admiring spacious room reserved for the Head Boy and the Head Girl. And being that both were Gryffindors, the room was decorated in scarlet and gold.
Lily was sitting on the couch giving a Sirius a "well-what-are-you-waiting-for" look. He slowly moved towards the spacious sofa. As soon as he sat down, almost as far from Lily as he could be, she asked, "So you talked to James?"
"Yeah."
"What did he say happened today?"
Sirius realized that he didn't prepare enough for this. He took a couple of breaths while trying to look like he was remembering. "Well, he said that he thought the day was going very good until… um… until…" Lily cut him off saying, "Until I got sick of his overtly disgusting behavior?"
"Those weren't his exact words, per se. It was more like… like when…"
"Sirius, quit trying to make shite up. Do you want to know what happened today? What really happened?"
He nodded his head.
Lily looked right into Sirius' eyes as she said, "It was too perfect. I couldn't handle it. James always messes something up or says the wrong thing, but today he did everything perfect. And it scared me. He knew what my favorite candy was, he knew all my favorite shops, he knew what to order me for lunch. Everything he said sounded practiced. It was what I wanted to hear, but it was fake. It wasn't him." Sirius looked at Lily. He got lost in her voice as he took in all of her that he could. He noticed how her hair fell below her shoulders in smooth waves. He saw how her lips looked a little chapped, probably from walking in the cold wind. And inevitably he got lost in her eyes. They looked darker now than they usually do. Instead of a bright and almost jungle green, they looked dark and brooding like an emerald.
His attention was called to what Lily was saying as she said sternly, "Sirius. If it wasn't James today, I want to know who it was. I want to know where he learned all those things about me." Lily looked at Sirius with a pressing gaze.
Sirius tried not to act like we was about to break under the pressure Lily was putting on him. "Do you really need to know?" With a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders he continued, "I mean if I were you I'd be happy with whoever I was with, real or not that person is there with you, at that moment."
"But I'm not happy, Sirius. I love James the way he is everyday, not the way he was today."
"Couldn't you love who he was today?"
"I guess I could love that person, but that person isn't James."
"But you could love that person." Sirius was starting to become intrigued with the direction of the conversation, and Lily was starting to notice.
"Yes, I'd love to be with that person, maybe even more than I love being with James. But why do you care?"
It was then that Sirius saw something in Lily's eyes that he never saw before. It was more than just curiosity. Maybe Sirius was imagining it, but he thought that perhaps it was a glint of hope, that sliver of want that he's always wanted to see in her eyes. He wasn't going to let it go.
"Lily, what would you do if the person that was James today came to you now and said that he loved you?" He paused for a moment, gauging the reaction on Lily's face. He saw confusion so he continued, "What if that person was here now with you and gave you the chance to love him back?"
He saw that Lily was starting to understand, so there was no turning back now. "And what if he told you that he has always loved you, that he has loved you since the day he first saw you, and that he loves everything about you." Sirius started moving closer to Lily, almost unconsciously. "He loves how your hair shines like copper in the sunlight," he almost whispered as his hands moved to caress her soft locks. "He loves how your eyes reflect your every emotion, your being." With those words one of his hands moved to her face and he lovingly ran his thumb over her brow as her eyes closed at the feel of his touch. "But most of all, he longs for your lips, so full that they look too sweet to taste." Now both of his hands were gently cupping her face. He brushed his thumb across her lips and loved the sound of Lily breathing ragged breaths through her nose as she kept her eyes closed, clearly enjoying the feel of his rough hands on her sensitive skin.
Before she could open her eyes or take another breath, Sirius brought his lips to hers, claiming them gently. She responded willingly, allowing their kiss to deepen. As Sirius's hands moved from her face to being buried in her hair, he parted his mouth slowly and dragged his tongue across her lips, silently begging her to do the same. Lily acquiesced, opening her mouth to allow his tongue to enter. As his tongue explored her warm mouth, a soft moan escaped her, prompting Sirius to deepen the kiss even further.
Soon Lily found her hands pressed against a toned chest. Only a thin piece of cloth prevented her from touching his skin. She didn't want to break the kiss, but she wanted to be able run her hands up and down his chest and abdomen. She wanted to feel the definition of his chiseled muscles beneath her fingers. Gradually, her hands moved down his torso until she found the hem of his shirt. Lifting it, she touched her cold fingers to the exposed part of his waist. Sirius gasped at the touch and Lily didn't hesitate to use the break in their kiss to quickly lift his shirt off of his body.
Sirius glanced at his shirt lying on the floor and he quickly decided he didn't care if it got dirty, stepped on, or quite frankly if he never saw it again. He instead focused on Lily and more specifically how Lily would feel in his arms. In a flash of a moment Sirius had his arms wrapped around her slender body and his mouth eagerly joining hers once again. Lily dug her hands deep into his hair. His raven locks had always been a mystery to her. She had always wondered how it was that they always fell into his face, perfectly accenting his devilishly good looks. But now her fingers grasped hungrily at whatever they could hold and pulled his head closer to hers. Desperate to feel his body next to hers she leaned back, pulling him down with her. Sirius groaned at the sudden shift of position, finding himself pressed against the soft flesh that was Lily and his hips nestled between her legs.
He adjusted his weight accordingly as Lily's hands began exploring his chest. Her nails raked against his skin causing sensations of an odd pleasure to run through his body making his groin tighten. Before he forgot the advantages of his position, he placed one hand on her thigh as the other slipped under her blouse. A quiet moan was elicited from Lily's mouth before Sirius silenced her, capturing her lips once again.
They stayed in that position for as long as their bodies could take it. Lily ran her hands all over Sirius's body, scraping her fingernails from the nape of his neck down the sides of his back, unable to control herself as he ground his hips into hers. She could feel a bulge tight in his pants as he moved against her. Sirius let out a deep moan when Lily started grinding her hips in unison with his as his hand massaged her breast through a soft cotton bra.
"Lily…" Sirius begged throatily. "If you keep doing that I'm going to come."
"There's no stopping now."
Sirius sat up and in turn Lily did the same. They looked each other in the eyes, sparkling emeralds locking gazes with onyx orbs. Sirius knew there was no stopping now. They had gone too far too fast to start thinking about what they were doing and how wrong it was. They were living in the moment, and now the moment was right. From that instant on there was no hesitation.
Lily gladly raised her arms as Sirius lifted her shirt off of her, revealing a simple lilac colored cotton bra. He took her in, admiring her pale smooth skin. Curves, not sharp angles, were all that Sirius saw. Moving in to kiss her, he also slipped his arms around her to unclasp her bra. His mouth left a hot trail of kisses along her shoulder as the simple straps slid off with the help of his skilled hands.
Small gasps were escaping Lily's mouth as Sirius's lips moved along her collar bone and then lower. He loved the taste of her: slightly salty but also something else. As her bra fell to ground he caressed her now bare skin and pulled her body to his. He kissed her tenderly but realized he wanted more. His body ached to feel every inch of her skin pressed against his own. And if it wasn't pressed against his skin, then he wanted to be able to caress it. Still kissing, he laid Lily back against the soft fabric of the sofa.
His kisses moved lower and lower as his hands worked at the buttons of her muggle jeans. Soon, with his lips at her navel, he was able work her pants and any undergarments off her body in one smooth motion. She lay there completely naked in front of him. He kneeled above her admiring her beauty. He wasn't sure how long he stared at her before he realized she was blushing but smiling rather provocatively at him. He smirked back as she sat up and started fumbling with his buttons. She bit her lower lip as she concentrated on pulling down the zipper in the most tortuous way she could. A groan escaped from Sirius's throat as she started sliding the cloth down his hips, releasing him from the restraints of clothing.
Now that they were both free from any garments, Lily found that even though the sofa they were on was quite large and comfortable, she preferred a bed. She placed a kiss on the lips of her soon to be lover as she stood, grabbing his hand. He followed her readily into her bedroom, never looking back.
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Lily awoke, slowly stretching her arms before she rolled over, reaching for Sirius. Her body found nothing but cold sheets to embrace her. She opened her eyes slowly, hoping he wasn't really gone. The room was dim, but lit enough for her to see that she was the only occupant. Sitting up, she looked around the room for a sign of his presence and saw that her clothes so hastily discarded the night before were folded at the foot of her bed, with a piece of rolled parchment sitting atop them. She reached for the note and unraveled it slowly as she began to read:
Dearest Lily,
I want to say thank you. Last night, you made my dreams come true. I've loved you for what seems ages upon ages. I've loved you without the slightest hope of you returning any of my affection. Though what happened last night was wrong, I would never take it back. But I know that it could never happen again. You belong with James. He loves you more than I ever could, and I love him more than I can say and in a way that can't be expressed with words. He is my best friend, my brother, and I would rather see him happy than break his heart by being with you. Our friendship is worth more than a lifetime of happiness.
I love you Lily. I love the feel of you, the taste of you, the essence of you. But as I held you sleeping in my arms, I knew it wasn't right. Your body wasn't created for mine. We aren't meant to be.
Lily, I don't want you to ever forget what happened between us. I won't ever forget. I won't forget the way your eyes burned for me. I won't forget the way your hair smells, the way you smell when sweat falls from body as we move together. I won't forget the way you moan for more and cry out my name as we finish. And I will never forget the way my name sounds on your lips after you whisper "I love you."
James can never know about us. When you see me next, don't think of the Sirius you knew last night. Think of the Sirius I was to you; think of the Sirius that caused more trouble than ever necessary. Think of the Sirius that lies, cheats, and charms his way into the beds of girls that he has no intention of loving. But when James says all the right things, gives you all the right gifts, or touches you in just the right way, remember me. But only for a fleeting second and then forget me and be grateful for the man before you, the man who would give his life to you if you would let him.
I will always love you Lily. Always.
Sirius
As Lily finished reading the letter, a tear fell onto the parchment, and when it fell upon the ink, the ink slowly disappeared. She watched as all the ink slowly faded away and the parchment dissolved into air and she was left holding nothing.
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Lily avoided the Gryffindor common room for the rest of the day. When James came back to their suite later that morning, Lily kissed him more passionately than she had ever before. He knew better than to question her puffy eyes as he held her tight.
When Lily saw Sirius for the first time since that night, their eyes connected for a brief moment, but he looked away before anyone could notice. He acted so normal that Lily was actually disconcerted. But she pushed her emotions aside as she held James's hands. It was easier than she imagined it, pushing her emotions aside. She didn't have to think of Sirius as he was; she didn't have to think of anything at all. She just had to look at James and feel the love that flowed between them. James was real. James was a lifetime. And one night couldn't take away from that.
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A/N: Please review letting me know what you think! Also, let me know if you spot any mistakes.