Disclaimer: I do not own Glee
Warnings: boy/boy, I might move the rating up later on in the story
I got inspired to write this after I saw Kurt's sad face in the window at the end of the episode 'Home'. I'm really not quite sure where I'm going with this story so updates might not always be that quick. The pairing is Finn/Kurt obviously.
Kurt feels an irrational anger towards him. He knows deep down that it isn't Finn's fault, not really. The problem lies with the rift between him and his father. He's tried so hard to get a proper father-son relationship but no matter what he does he can't seem to get his father to look at him as a guy; a buddy. To see his father and Finn get along so well, so effortlessly, drives a wrench into his heart. Since he doesn't want to accept the larger issue at hand, he opts for the easy way out. Being mad at Finn. Even though he's hopelessly in love with the jock, it's simpler to just vent his anger and frustration at the guy. Which is why he's taken to ignoring Finn. Taking care to never steal those glances at him, no matter how hard it is to fight the urge to gaze upon that perfect body. Making sure that he doesn't stand to close to Finn and pointedly not speaking to him. His justification for doing this, he tells himself, is because Finn betrayed him by not helping to break up their parents. He doesn't want to acknowledge that he's acting immature. But Finn's noticing Kurt's sudden coldness towards him. Kurt pretends not to realize that those warm brown eyes have been turning to him more often, just like he pretends not to see how Finn frequently makes motions to walk over to him. At night, when he's alone in his room, Kurt succumbs to the tears that have been building up all day. Because it doesn't count if no one's there to see his break down. His walls bear the silent witness of those moments. The next morning he starts anew with his current mentality in check. He will not slip in front of his father, Finn, or anyone else. No one can see that he's this close to being torn apart, hell, he can't even see it for himself. Finn's the only one who appears to have noticed something different, and Kurt doesn't know it, but he's about to be confronted.
Finn feels at ease now with his mom dating Mr. Hummel. It took him awhile to accept it, but after having that talk with Kurt's father, he's finally okay with the man his mom chose. He doesn't feel guilty that he abandoned Kurt's idea to break their parents up because everyone deserves happiness right? All the same, Kurt's not been acting himself. It's subtle, but in some ways all to obvious to Finn. He really finds it baffling and strange. It's strange not to have the smaller boy invading his space at the most random moments and saying weird things that make him think twice. To be honest, Finn never thought he would miss that but he thinks that Kurt is actually a really awesome guy and he likes being friends with him. He wants to help Kurt out with whatever is bothering him because he owes the feminine boy for being there for him when Finn was the one with a big problem. It's just that it's hard when the person he's trying to help keeps avoiding him like the plague. He's determined however, to figure out what's wrong. Kurt is his friend and if something's hurting him then Finn is resolute in his decision to stick by him and work things out. He just has to find a way to talk to Kurt without being shunned.
Kurt doesn't see it coming. He's too busy looking at the hallway floor and trying to seem uninviting, that it comes as a shock when a strong hand grabs his arm and pulls him into an empty classroom. He recognizes that all too male scent as it wafts over him and his body is automatically filled with excitement, dread and indecision. It's so hard for him to avoid gazing at Finn when he's this close to the football player, so he studiously focuses on one of the worn desks.
"Kurt…look," Finn begins a bit awkwardly, letting go of his hold on Kurt's arm. "I've been noticing that you're acting kind of, well distant I guess and not yourself. Seriously, I don't think I've seen you smile once this week, which is weird because normally you're smiling or laughing all the time. And…I feel like you're purposely ignoring me or something."
Kurt bites the inside of his lip and his eyes waver to Finn's body for a split second. He doesn't feel prepared to have this conversation, and having such proximity to the guy he loves after avoiding him for what felt like an eternity, is affecting him.
Finn continues in Kurt's silence. "I almost feel like you're mad at me, but I can't think of anything I've done that would make you upset. Can you…tell me what's wrong?"
Kurt's hands tremble a fraction as he stares at the desk.
"Look," Kurt says in a quiet voice with the merest hint of a quiver. "I appreciate you concern but I'm fine with handling it on my own." A bit of his usual spark is heard in those last words.
"But you're obviously not fine," Kurt can hear the frustration leaking into Finn's voice. "I've never seen you act like this before. I-I know that I'm probably not the best at problem solving and really I'm not that great at figuring out people's emotions but I owe you one Kurt, and I want to help you anyway I can."
Kurt knows that Finn is being genuine and it makes him want to cry so badly. He wants to believe that Finn is acting out of more than just friendship but of course that will never happen. And still he feels a smidgeon of anger, at himself this time. He's forced to come to terms with his feelings and he doesn't like it, isn't ready for it.
With a frown starting on his face he speaks to Finn again, still avoiding eye contact. "I told you. I'm fine. It's not a big issue, okay? I am one-hundred percent capable of dealing with it by myself so I really don't need your help." There is a definite quiver in his voice that time. He can feel Finn staring at him and knows that the jock is searching for something to say.
"No," Finn eventually says firmly. "I'm sorry but I'm not just going to abandon you when really need someone. I mean it." He shifts on his feet. "Is-," He seems hesitant. "Is it about your dad and my mom dating?"
Kurt flinches even though he knows Finn was just grasping at straws. Finn must have seen his reaction because he goes, "Oh god. I had no idea you were that bummed out about it, I mean I know you wanted to break the two of them up and everything but I thought you were cool with it now. They-."
Kurt cuts him off with an aggravated sigh. "That's," he runs a hand through his immaculate hair, unintentionally messing it up, "That's not it. Not really."
"Well." Finn pauses. "What is it?" he finishes totally clueless.
Kurt's eyes dart from Finn to the wooden desk as he battles an internal struggle on whether or not he's willing to do this. Willing to bare his soul in front of someone who most likely wouldn't take the news with the greatest of ease. It could make Finn so uncomfortable that Kurt could lose him and things would defiantly be awkward afterwards. His face scrunches up in pain and he knows his eyes are red from all the tears he's been holding back, but he lifts his head to look at Finn for the first time in so long. He swears he can feel his heart beating so loudly in his chest that people a mile away can hear it as he takes in that handsome face.
"I," he swallows, the words stuck in his throat. He's never been afraid to speak his mind, but it's just so hard to say it. "I'm in love with you, but you're stealing my father away from me." The last part is said quieter and Kurt's eyes momentarily leave Finn's before flicking back. As expected, Finn has that dumbfounded expression on his face, the one reserved for when he's confronted with an issue he has no idea how to tackle. Kurt wonders what part of his confession Finn's going to deal with; he guesses it's not going to be his love proclamation. The jock still looks like he's attempting to process what he's just been told and Kurt can see conflicting emotions flit across his features.
"Kurt, I swear I'm not trying to take your father away from you. It's just, it's cool you know, to finally have an older guy I can relate to and talk sports with. I've never really had that opportunity before." Finn's eyes are pleading and Kurt is finding it difficult not to get lost in those brown orbs. "I'm sorry that it's bothering you so much. I never meant to hurt you."
Kurt gives a small half smile. "I know that, and it's not your fault that you can relate to my father better than I can. We've never had any common interests." He grimaces slightly. "I sometimes wonder if he wishes he had a non gay son and seeing you with him makes me think that even more."
"Well," Finn begins, appearing to be thinking. "Maybe you just need to find some common ground with your dad. Like new interests that you both could share or something. And Kurt I'm pretty sure that he's happy with the way you are so…you shouldn't do this to yourself."
Kurt hears the words Finn is saying but doesn't let them sink in fully. Partly due to having Finn's unwavering attention on him and partly because he's still not ready to face the truth. Somewhere inside him he's aware that Finn is right, but it's easier not to recognize that.
The two stand there in silence looking at each other. Kurt has nothing to say really, and perhaps Finn wants to press the issue but he lets it go. The smaller boy can't bear to look directly at Finn anymore so he drops his eyes and is surprised to see the football player's broad chest so close to him. He doesn't know how he missed Finn moving nearer to him and starts to back away when he is pulled against chiselled abs.
Enveloped in strong arms, Kurt's mind is temporarily blank. Slowly he relaxes and hesitantly wraps his own arms around the jock's wide back. He closes his eyes and takes in Finn's scent. He's well aware that this hug is born out of friendship but he can't help himself from enjoying it more than he should.
"Kurt." Finn's voice sounds from above. "Can we talk about the other thing you said?" The words are unsure and nervous. Kurt stiffens in Finn's hold. He doesn't want to hear rejection right now. Disengaging himself from Finn's arms he takes a step back, all to keen to get out of here fast.
"You know I just remembered I was supposed to meet Mercedes this lunch hour," Kurt says a little fast with a fake laugh.
"Oh! Oh well…yeah that's fine, cool. It's just, yeah we can…talk later I guess or whatever," Finn's laugh sounds just as forced as Kurt's.
There's an awkward pause before Kurt replies, "Sure," his eyes once again looking everywhere but Finn's direction.
"Um…great. So I'll see you around…"
"Yeah," Kurt says it too perky that it's obvious it isn't real. He turns on his heels, biting his lip.
He can't see that Finn is watching him walk out of the classroom, just like he can't see the buried longing in those brown eyes.