Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, Firefly or anything connected to it, I'm not making any money off of them, I just thought this would be amusing. Doctor Who is copyright of the BBC and Firefly is the amazing work of one god-of-scifi and all things awesome, Joss Whedon.
Note: It's been a long time since I've written any fic, but I was feeling this crossover today. More to come, in bits and pieces.
Translations:
di yu – hell
pi hua – nonsense, shit
Mal caught himself, barely as the whole ship shook violently. Flinging himself up the ladder to the hall he hollered "Gorramit Wash! What the di yu was that?"
"I dunno cap'n, everything seemed to be clear skies and then we got side-swiped by somethin!" Wash called from the bridge, hands groping at the wheel in an attempt to keep control of Serenity.
"Well is anythin' damaged?"
"Not sure, doesn't seem to be. Kaylee, How ya fairin' down there?" Wash asked, pushing a button on his com.
"Uh, well, her engine's not damaged, but cap'n, you might want to come down here and see this." She answered, her voice shaky and concerned.
Mal sprinted for the engine room, practice being the only thing that kept him from damaging himself on the table in the galley. He opened the door at the other side and ran face-first into some sort of blue box. It seemed to be partially through the wall, trapping Kaylee in the engine room. "Kaylee, you okay?" he hollered, trying to see around it to verify for himself.
"Yeah, I'm okay…. Well, trapped, but okay." Came her muffled response.
Mal opened his mouth to respond, but just as he did, the door to the box opened suddenly and a strange brown haired man in a pinstripe suit popped his head out. "Well hello there! Sorry, I seem to have landed in your ship! Funny thing, that. Sometimes I land in a perfectly sensible spot and sometimes I land in the middle of everything. Shall I move her? What is this, a Firefly class? Maybe your cargo bay?"
Stunned into temporary paralysis, all Mal could do as this stranger with a funny accent spoke was stare. Finally he seemed to find his head and pull his gun. "What kind of pi hua is this? How did you get that in here? Why the di yu is it shaped like a police box?" Zoe suddenly appeared at Mal's elbow, gun pointed at the stranger.
"That's really not necessary. I mean no harm. She's my ship and she just sort of disappears and reappears. Here, let me move her. I didn't mean to trap that lovely girl back there." With that he slipped back inside and the blue box made a funny grinding noise before disappearing completely.
Mal stood dumbfounded, staring at Kaylee for a long time before he could speak. When he finally figured out how to work his mouth again, all he could say was "Zoe, I think I might have finally done it."
Zoe was a little slow to respond, but managed a "Done what, sir?"
"Lost my gorram mind." He turned to stare at his second in command for a moment before they all could hear the muffled sound of that strange blue box. They took off at the same time, headed for the cargo bay at top speed. As they reached the stairs, They could see that the small box had landed in a corner of the cargo bay and the strange man was leaning against it, pealing a banana.
"Hello again." He smiled cheerily up at them, waiting for them to get their bearings. Humans, always so surprised by him. "Really? The guns again? What is with you lot and your guns?"
Zoe kept her gun trained on the stranger, waiting for the captain to make his move. After a few long moments, she looked at him and he seemed out of it. "Captain!" she hissed, nudging him.
He seemed to snap out of it and started down the stairs, making a token effort to point his gun at the stranger. Kaylee followed at a distance, meeting Inara just outside her door to look on from above. "If you don't mind tellin me, who are you? And how did you get that thing in here? Seems to me we ain't made any stops for goin on a week now."
The stranger shook his head and looked pointedly at Mal's gun. "I'm the Doctor. And I'd be happy to answer all your questions, just please, put the guns away, I'm unarmed, no harm to you. " The Doctor put both hands in the air as a show of good faith, holding onto his half eaten banana in one hand, but all he got back were stern stares. "Alright, well if you must know, she's my ship. You don't have to stop for me to land. She's just… brilliant."
"Doctor Who?"
"Just the Doctor, say, where am I anyway? And please, put away the guns. I told you, I'm not a threat. Unarmed, see?" he held up both hands and flipped them back and forth, as if his banana peel and his hands were enough proof.
"What kind of question is that? If that's your ship, shouldn't it tell you where you are?" Jayne piped in from the door to the lower half of the ship.
Zoe made her way to the doctor and patted him down, checking all his pockets and taking out a small wand-like device. She handed it to Mal, not saying a word. "And what's this? Did you just tell me you were unarmed? "
"Oh for the love of- It's not a weapon, it's a screwdriver! Why can nobody understand this? It's so simple. That's my sonic screwdriver."
The Doctor opened his mouth, as if to go on further, but was cut off by Wash on the com. "Hey cap'n, sorry to interrupt the little party goin' on down there, but we've got a ship headed our way, and I think it might be reavers."
Spouting a string of curses in Chinese, Mal spun on his heal, tucking his gun away and the 'screwdriver' in his back pocket. "Well, Doc, you may have just chosen the wrong ship to stow away on. Come on, Zoe. Bring our guest with ya."