Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 or any of it's affiliated characters and locations.
Summary: After 'Point of View' Sam considers how she feels about her CO. Sam/Jack
Spoilers: Stargate the Movie, Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus, Solitudes, There but for the Grace of God, Point of View.
Genre: Romance/Slight Angst
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Possible ooc but I don't really care, I tried and that's what matters right?
She did not know where it had come from; the burst of jealousy that had erupted in her chest when she had seen Doctor Carter kissing Colonel O'Neill or rather vice versa; he certainly hadn't been objecting.
Alternate universes… an actual, physical possibility yet so hard to understand it sometimes gave even her a headache when she tried to get her head round it. Different decisions and forks in the road, it all led to different outcomes forming. Had her decision to go into the Airforce cost her that much?
Sam loved her job; every day was a new adventure, something completely different, in a non-scientific, mundane way the curiosity it aroused was almost infantile. The Stargate was a miraculous discovery and an even more amazing piece of technology.
Every time she stepped through there was always the possibility that this time she might not come back, or that they would finally find the piece of technology that would allow them to wipe out the Goa'uld completely. Or even a way to save the host of the parasitic alien and Daniel could have Sha're back, Skaara could be saved, Kawalsky's death could be avenged.
A quantum mirror was an equally amazing discovery, other universes? The one she resided in was so different to the to both the one Daniel had gone to by accident and the one they had just saved; in both of them she was not military, having continued to study her area of expertise with a passion. She had been either already married or soon to be to Colonel O'Neill… but then again Daniel hadn't had anything to do the SGC with either and Teal'c had never renounced Apophis, the Goa'uld had succeeded in conquering earth.
Did she even feel that way about her CO? The time in Antarctica had revealed some things about herself she had never known existed. Before then he was just her commanding officer, a friend, a good friend but never anything more.
It had been the right thing to do, she knew that, sharing body heat to stay alive, but at the same time it had felt… nice. Not just the warmth he provided and she provided him but just the feel of his body beneath his, solid and yet still so comfortable. She had been so wrapped up in how good it had felt that she hadn't even remembered his broken rib.
"Captain. Much as I might otherwise think this is nice..."
"Shh, try to sleep."
"Is that what we were doing?"
"You were exhausted, you passed out. I just thought we had to combine body heat or we wouldn't make it through the night."
"That's fine, it's just really hard to sleep with broken ribs when someone's lying on you." he choked out hoarsely.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," she felt so stupid then, and moved quickly, despite the angry flash of cold that burned her where there bodies no longer met.
"That's better." he breathed a croaky sigh of relief.
She resettled herself next to him, her arms till thrown across his chest just more wary of any discomfort she could cause, "sleep for a few hours and I'll fix the DHD,"
"Okay. Night," he relaxed, closing his eyes and she relished the small amount of heat for a while,
"Night..." the hard pressure of something against her leg had her eyes snapping open. "Oh...Colonel!"
"It's my sidearm, I swear..." he trailed off, shifting to move the offending weapon away from her but stopping when it only caused him more pain.
She giggled, despite herself and the situation.
"No giggling, please!"
No one was in her lab, she was thankful, everyone having gone home for the evening, she was grateful for the silence. Taking her seat at her desk she looked down at the report left there by one of the other scientists on the soil sample one of the other SG teams had brought back.
There was a knock on her door and she looked up, "sir?" she asked curiously, resisting and overwhelming urge to just hide behind her desk until everything… these thoughts had disappeared completely.
His hands were jammed deep into the pockets of his jeans, having changed into civvies after the briefing; he paused as if he was unsure of what to say.
"Major Carter," Teal'c announced his presence, Daniel just behind him, "will you be accompanying us?"
"Where to?" no where, I want to stay here, read these reports, then go home, have a nice hot bubble bath, then go to sleep, and in the morning I will have forgotten all this. Fat chance.
"Barbecue," Jack spoke finally, his uncertainty gone, having been replaced by his usual jovial sense of casual indifference "my place in an hour,"
"Actually sir I have-"
"Come on Sam," Daniel pressed, smiling just a little to try and convince his friend to join them. He knew how hard it had been for her to watch Jack and Alternate-Sam kissing, their relationship reaching levels in hours what theirs hadn't in nearly a year, and never could.
Sam started mentally kicking herself, she was going to agree and then she was going to have to waylay her contemplation. Would Colonel O'Neill think any differently of her? Would they be able to work as a team still? Did she have any feelings of that variety that she hadn't noticed before?
So there were differences between the universes, in those it seemed that O'Neill had found someone else to get him out of the depression Daniel had told her about after the incident with the crystals, she hadn't even been around in this universe.
In this one it had been Daniel Jackson that had pulled him out his pit of self-torment and had called him the fool for trying to kill himself and thousands of others in an anguished attempt at seeking a reprieve from the agony that was grief.
She looked down at the papers then back up again, Teal'c was sporting his patented expression that was so indicative that he did not understand the 'Tau'ri traditions' a baseball hat in his large hands and a rather bright coloured t-shirt.
Daniel in a comfortable shirt, jacket and jeans, a band aid over the cut on his face he had received whilst through the quantum mirror.
O'Neill's shirt was a pale blue and stood out starkly against the black jacket, his hair, which was slowly turning silver glinted in the light.
"An hour," she agreed softly.
"Great!" Jack exclaimed, "bring your own beer," and with that he turned on his heel and left.
Teal'c and Daniel left also, each going their separate ways, as Daniel attempted to explain another celebration it seemed had been mentioned by of the SFs earlier that day and their resident jaffa was curious about.
Three guys. She was on a team with three guys. A Colonel of the US Airforce, a civilian with a heart of gold and an alien with a 'snake' as O'Neill aptly called them, in his abdomen. She could have fallen for any of them, being the only woman on the team, but it had to be the one she knew she couldn't have didn't it?
Teal'c… Teal'c would have caused no problems with her, she wouldn't have been risking anything. Not that she had ever, or would ever, consider Teal'c that way. He was her friend, a best friend but he could never been anything more it would just be… she abandoned that trail of thought
Daniel, Daniel was a nice guy, sweet, caring, intelligent… married and more like her little brother than anything else, he even had the walking-in-whilst-she-was-about-to-kiss-someone bit down to a T. No relationship of the romantic kind would ever be pursued down that avenue.
Now O'Neill, he was loud, abrasive, inconsiderate, rude… yet when he let you in, when he was around those closest to him… he was caring, possessively so, fiercely protective and playfully childish at times. He'd put his life on the line for every member of his team, his ex wife, people like Kawalsky and Ferretti, not that he was suicidal, no, people who were like that had a dead look in their eyes, the kind that meant they really could not go on.
And even if that darkness never truly left, it was only a shadow in her CO's eyes now, a vibrant light that was life shone brightly, making hazel eyes a wondrous shimmering shade that reminded her of autumn nights in front of a fire.
It was wrong to think of Jack - Colonel O'Neill like that, since when was he 'Jack'? – Like that, he was her commanding officer… no matter how many times she said that it wasn't going to change these feelings would it? Or maybe it would, say it a thousand times and it all goes away? Commanding Officer, Commanding Officer, Commanding Officer…
Sighing and yet knowing that escaping the engagement – bad choice of words – for the evening were inescapable; she pushed away from the desk and headed for the locker rooms.
Pulling up in front of the Colonel's house, behind Daniel's car, she took another breath. She knew she shouldn't feel this. Was it even real? Or was it just some crazy notion put into her head by the mere presence of Doctor Carter? She had nothing to compare it too.
Daniel had never been heard of in her universe and had been dead in the other because he had been working in Egypt, so he had, had no lingering urges identical to that of his alternate-self.
Colonel O'Neill had been dead in the other universe as Doctor Carter had been unable to forget and Teal'c… well he didn't appear to be having a sudden change of heart and to go and worship a God that was long dead.
It was just like any other night right? Steaks and beer, accompanied by bad jokes, half-cocked explanations to Teal'c and laughing over Daniel's inability to hold his drink.
She should have just said no.
Jack leaned back out of the way for a moment as the flames of the barbecue flared as he added his trademark splash of beer onto the cooking meat.
Hearing Sam's car pull up outside he felt a flash of what he could only describe as grief. Doctor Carter… that was a side of his 2IC he had never felt he'd want to see, but he had and… and… she looked good, pretty… sexy.
He and Sam would never happen, never could, that was why he had to see her tonight, even if it was just to see how she was coping with it. He hadn't known at the time she was watching them through the mirror, hadn't until he had asked Daniel and Teal'c what was going on after the briefing and she had left as abruptly yet as politely as possible.
He was about to call Teal'c over from examining one of the plants in far end of the yard to watch the grill as he answered the door but heard Sam's voice drift outside as Daniel let her in.
"Hey Sam," Daniel opened the front door with a smile.
"Hi," she smiled back at him and stepped inside the open door, a six-pack in her hands.
"You okay?" he frowned as he saw the expression she wore.
She followed him to the kitchen and put the warming beer in the fridge, "I'm fine," she assured him "just a little tired,"
He nodded "Jack's out back with Teal'c," he said, then even as she tried to disguise it was if he read her thoughts "Doctor Carter…"
"She wasn't me Daniel,"
"So you and Jack-"
"Colonel O'Neill would never have that interest in me," God who was she kidding? Simple glances, the odd touch, the feeling of security she had never found anywhere else when he hugged her… it was wrong, so very wrong but was indicative of something more than friendship. He liked her, she knew he did, same as she had only been willing to recognise in the last few hours that maybe it went both ways.
"Sam," he whispered.
She squeezed his arm in response "I'm fine Daniel," she repeated, heading out into the backyard.
"Good evening Major Carter," Teal'c approached her as she folded her arms in front of her as she stepped onto the lawn.
She smiled at him.
"Carter," Jack greeted her, she saw him pause as if contemplating winking or smiling at her but then realised it would be inappropriate. Was that how it had to be now? They wouldn't have that… sense of friendship, of being comfortable.
"Sir," she nodded, watching as he turned the steaks again, the charred outsides so very different to the pink centre that would still exist. Much like the way she felt, she mused in a sickly way.
Outside she was a tough military woman, the unmoved Airforce Major, a scientist, an explorer. On the inside she was jealous little girl, terrified of what she felt, exhilarated by the limitations, and desperate to break free of the chains the government held her in and at the same time thanking the heavens they existed, for without them…
A plate was thrust in her direction and she looked up to see Daniel waiting patiently for her to take it. He gave her a concerned look which she ignored and took the plate and paper napkin, holding it steady as Jack put the steak on it, and the others that were being held out to him.
She took a seat in one of the garden chairs, and half listened as Daniel and Teal'c discussed 'Star Wars', the jaffa insisting things with an enthusiasm that she would have found amusing if she had been tuned in completely.
Jack was sat on the patio, staring out down to the end of the backyard unfocusedly. She swallowed and crossed her legs, the skin of one knee chilled against the underside of the other; she straightened her skirt methodically, and tried to avert her gaze from her CO.
However he did not appear to be paying any attention to any of them, the sun was slowly lowering itself, dusk falling gently around them and a tiny breeze picking up and whispering amongst the trees in the neighbours yard.
Wispy shadows taunting the edges of the house and the fences, Jack's own shadow falling at his feet and that of the building behind him highlighting his jaw line and making his eyes darker.
No wonder Doctor Carter had fallen for him. He was handsome, he was… perfect.
Dammit why? Why did she feel this? It was wrong, very, very wrong! He shouldn't be the object of her affections, he couldn't be. It wasn't allowed, it was against regulations, it was – he was looking at her!
She looked down at her half-finished steak and poked it with her fork, stabbing it furiously as if it would make her feel better.
"The meat is already deceased Major Carter," Teal'c pointed out, an amused smile playing on his lips.
She smiled sheepishly at him and let Daniel take her plate and put it on top of his, Teal'c's and Jack's empty ones and took them into the house.
"Something wrong with my cooking Major?" Jack teased lightly, arms loosely round his knees and a playful twinkle in his eye.
"I… I'm just not hungry sir," she forced a smile, before looking back at her skirt, smoothing it out and clicking her tongue as she came across a tiny snare in the hem.
Jack nodded to Teal'c as he excused himself and went into the house. "Carter," he began "about-"
"It's fine sir," she cut him off, trying to smile in a joking way, make it light hearted, hurts less like that.
"No it's not," he said seriously "it was wrong,"
"It… Sir, Doctor Carter and General O'Neill were married in that universe. She was mourning… We're not them, I'm military and regulations-"
"Screw regulations Carter. I don't care what they have to say. Are you okay?"
Sam looked up sharply at the severity in his tone "sir-"
"We're not at work, its Jack," he chastised.
"Jack," God that made it harder! "I don't think-"
Sensing her unease Jack got to his feet "come on," he held out his hand as he approached her seat "we'll leave Daniel and Teal'c to the clean up,"
Hesitantly she took his hand and let him pull her too her feet "where are we going?"
"For a walk," he said as they walked down the side of the house, he stopped when she did.
"There's nothing we can do," she stated, letting go of his hand "and it's pointless pretending there is,"
"Just because there's nothing we can do doesn't mean we can't talk about it," he snapped.
She studied him closely, his eyes dark and full of conflicting emotions, the strongest one there was frustration and something… for her? Closing her eyes and taking a breath, she decided that for just one second, one moment in a million she would just feel.
She closed the space between his body and hers with perfect ease, looping her arms around his neck and pulling his head down slightly as she raised herself to her toes and brushed her lips over his.
He responded immediately and pulled her closer, one arm around her waist and pressing her against his own body tightly, the other hand lost itself in her short blonde hair. Long enough for him to attain such a task but short enough to protest against the fingers brushing it back.
Her hands cupped the back of his neck and the other formed a fist in his hair. What was supposed to be short, cheap kiss was turning into something more. The inside of his mouth was a cavern of warmth and she ran her tongue over ever tooth and the roof of his mouth. Savouring a stolen series of sensations and desiring more with every fraction of a second that passed.
He sucked lightly on her bottom lip and felt a fateful burning wherever her skin brushed against his. It was different to kissing Doctor Carter, she was shier, more reserved, that had been a pity kiss, she had been searching for something to relieve the agony of loss and he had gladly given it because she had made him realise feelings he had ignored and forgotten.
Major Carter, it was intense, passionate, a wondrous feeling of misled desire that should not be felt let alone acted upon, but the fact it was so wrong made it feel that much better.
Sam jerked away when she came to her sense again; this was Jack she was kissing under a slowly descending sun, her Commanding Officer. She pulled away from his embrace "that's why we can't talk about it," she heard herself whispering breathlessly "that's why we can't ever-"
Jack nodded "Carter," what should he say? That he was sorry? He wasn't. That he wished it hadn't happened? Like hell he did.
"Thank you," she told him sincerely "Colonel,"
He knew what she was doing, what she had to do, for both their sakes "same to you, Major,"
Sam watched him head back to the door to the house, and closed her eyes. She could want what she liked, desire what she pleased, and either accept or deny any feelings she had for her CO but she could not act upon them and in a way that was easier than being able to do as she pleased.
Alternate realities were exactly that, alternate. Different things happened and occurred and nothing can be done about them.
Their decisions made long ago were what prevented any further action down this forbidden road.
Seeds of thought had been planted and the plants could not flourish in this world, they would not be able to do. Things were different. They were different. She took a breath, flattened her mussed up hair and went back inside.
My first J/S fiction, but that episode left me hanging and it irritated me, this was written more for me wanting to read it than for anything else.
Please Review, don't flame, yadda, yadda.