Eileen Snape sighed and wiped her sweaty brow with the back of her hand. It had been unseasonably warm for May and by the early evening the small house felt as hot as the inside of an oven. This had not been a good day. Sixteen-month-old Severus was cutting both his bottom eyeteeth and was letting everyone around him know how unhappy this was making him.
Looking at her store of Potions ingredients, Eileen saw that she was missing important elements for brewing either a Pain Potion or a Teething Rub. Maybe a Calming Draught, Eileen thought, for myself, that is. Knowing that she should have concentrated harder on wandless spells while she was still at school, she tried to think of a charm she could use to soothe her baby's pain, but Merlin alone knew what she'd be able to perform right now. Not being able to use her magic very often, her powers had decreased since she'd been married. Maybe it was true what Tobias said – she was really good for nothing after all.
Eileen glanced down at the whining toddler pulling on the bottom of her limp cotton dress. He wanted to be picked up and held, but the last thing she needed was another sweaty body clutching at her. He looked worse than she felt, his nose crusted with runny snot, and his fine black hair plastered to his head from the humidity. The baby's sagging nappy looked as if it needed to be changed, and Eileen summoned up the energy to take him upstairs.
Suppertime had come and gone with no appearance of Tobias. He must have gone down to the pub with his mates after work, thought Eileen. Instead of putting a new nappy on Severus, she ran a lukewarm bath and set him down in the tub. Wishing that she were the one taking the cooling bath, Eileen washed the baby's face and wet down his hair.
"That feels better, doesn't it?" she cooed. "You'll be all cool and clean and ready to go nighty."
Little Severus shook his head. "No bed. No nighty," he said, scowling.
Eileen stiffened slightly. "Don't let your father hear you talk to me like that," she warned.
The baby continued to fuss once she put him in his cot. Eileen went back into the bathroom, taking off her dress and peeling the sweat-soaked brassiere from her body. The tub was still filled with water from when she had bathed the baby, and feeling too exhausted to drain and refill it, Eileen sat in the tepid water. After a few minutes, she got out, patted herself dry, and put on an old nightshirt. The thin cotton shirt was extremely light and comfortable, for Eileen had shortened it and transfigured the sleeves off a long time ago. When I still had my wand, she thought angrily. Tobias had been in the habit of taking it away from her if he caught her doing magic, and the last time he had hidden it so carefully that she'd been without it for several months.
The child's complaints grew in volume until Eileen went back into the nursery, finding him standing in his cot, glassy-eyed with exhaustion.
"No nighty?" he asked hopefully.
"Let's lie down with Mummy," Eileen told him. Nursing her son was another thing she had managed to continue without her husband's knowledge. While pregnant with Severus, Eileen Snape had been asked, or rather been told by her husband, to make arrangements to have the baby at a Muggle maternity hospital instead of at St. Mungo's. And although witches breastfed their infants, Tobias had also insisted that she go about things in the modern way that was becoming more widespread among the Muggle population. "It's cleaner, and I don't want anyone saying I can't afford milk for my boy," Eileen's husband had told her adamantly. Acquiescing, Eileen had fed her son with a bottle, but breastfed him on the sly, even continuing to do so after the baby had become old enough to drink his milk out of a cup.
Bringing Severus into her bedroom, Eileen lay down on her bed and offered the baby her breast, wincing slightly as he clamped down hard with his sore mouth. At first he squirmed restlessly, batting at her breast or pulling the hair that had escaped from her ponytail, but within a few minutes he settled down to suckle contentedly. Not a pretty baby, his mother thought, looking at her child objectively as others might see him, but perhaps, someday, a strong man and powerful wizard. A cooling breeze drifted through the open window, and as Eileen watched the baby's eyes close in sleep she felt drowsiness overtake her as well.
She didn't hear the door open downstairs as her husband let himself into the house.
##
Many people said that Severus Snape was a lucky man, and for a good deal of the time he believed them. Despite the unhappiness, loneliness, and evil that had taken up a great portion of his past, since the end of the war he had been rewarded with a life he thought he never would have deserved. Not only had he survived the attack of Voldemort's snake, Nagini, but he, Severus Snape: Death Eater, spy, the Greasy Git and Bat of The Dungeons had gone on to live a life filled with meaning and purpose. Snape was the owner of successful Potions shop, had time to work on his own research, and had gotten married several years ago.
All throughout his early adulthood, Severus Snape had lived his life knowing that he would never marry or have a home. He was a Death Eater, and his dangerous life as a spy almost guaranteed that he would not survive the war. Even if that had not been the case, Snape's unrequited love for Lily Evans Potter had seemingly left his heart with no room for anyone else. He didn't feel cheated by his lot in life; his pragmatic way of thinking did not lend itself to speculations about what could have been.
Severus was therefore as astonished as anyone else in his small circle of acquaintances when the feelings he finally admitted he'd developed for his young apprentice were actually returned. Surprisingly content in his marriage, Severus marveled at the fact that he'd found a witch who not only was his intellectual equal, but one who loved him unconditionally, despite his past, and regardless of the imperfect man that he was. With her presence in his life, Snape felt that his spirit had begun to heal from much of the bitterness and self doubt that had plagued him in the past. Shortly after their third anniversary a daughter had been born to them, and any fears or insecurities that Severus had felt about his suitability as a father had been assuaged within a very short time as he partnered in the care of the baby. Now, at slightly over a year old, his little, black-haired daughter had just started walking and spoke over twenty words. Like the over-achieving little minx she is, Severus thought smugly.
So why had all those doubts returned to haunt him at this particular time? Severus had been having nightmares for months, jolting him awake and leaving him unable to sleep for the rest of the night. He spent his days groggy and listless with fatigue, yet insisting to all those around him that nothing was wrong.
Severus provided St. Mungo's with a number of rare, hard to brew potions that were a very lucrative portion of his business. He had begun working with Healer Stefan Wilkins five years ago, and slowly their business relationship had evolved into a friendship which fell into a rare category: not a former student, yet old enough to have left Hogwarts before Snape had been a student himself. He was grateful for this fact alone.
Sitting at a corner table at a Muggle pub one afternoon, Severus slowly sipped his ale as he waited for Wilkins to arrive for their bi-monthly lunch meeting. After a brief wait, the Healer turned up, glass in hand, apologizing for his unusual lateness.
"Things have been hopping ever since those American Healers arrived," Stefan said by way of explanation. "Many people are still suffering long term effects from the war." Severus listened as his friend reported the news in his usual enthusiastic manner. The Americans had always been many steps ahead of the British wizards in their treatment of psychological trauma, and a new technique was being used to heal memories without having to Obliviate large portions of whatever else had happened at the time of the event. "But enough of that," Stefan continued. "How are you? Have you been sleeping any better?"
Severus grunted. This was one of the perils of befriending a Healer and a Gryffindor to boot.
"I take that to mean 'no'," remarked the other man. "You look like hell. Nightmares still?" When Snape grudgingly nodded once, his friend went on. "Have you ever thought of coming in to get it checked out?"
"No," Snape said flatly, glowering slightly at the Healer.
"The only reason I'm mentioning this is that the American team is using a spell developed over in the States that can retrieve memories which are so disturbing they've been repressed. You know, the kind that lead to psychosis, unreasonable fears, nightmares…" Severus rolled his eyes. Stefan ignored him. "Once the Healer extracts a memory, it can be viewed in a Pensieve. It's been a breakthrough treatment for many."
"If you imagine that I'd voluntarily choose take a romp through my memories accompanied by some touchy-feely American wizard, think again."
"Dammit, Severus. Whatever you may call me, I consider you my friend." Stefan Wilkins set down his drink with a thump and gazed at Snape intensely. "I know how much your guard your privacy, and I would not presume to ask you anything that you are unwilling to share. But it's as if you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it the war still?"
Snape clenched his jaw. He would have rather been flayed alive than admit to anyone the content of his dreams, for in them he became his father and abused both his wife and little daughter.
Stefan decided to play what was surely his trump card. "If I could guarantee a minimal amount of probing, would you consider coming in?" he asked. "I'll even make a special appointment for you so you won't have to go through the front desk."
"I do not wish to pursue this," Snape sneered. "Consider the subject closed," he continued brusquely, getting up and stalking out of the pub.
After that, life at home became increasingly uncomfortable for Severus. His wife began to express her concerns about his insomnia, but he rebuked her, refusing to be coddled. The final straw came about a week later. Exasperated, she became more persistent in her questioning and he responded with cold sarcasm, hating himself for bringing tears to her eyes.
That night he dreamed of Lily for the first time in what seemed like forever. Children once again, they played together at the old playground. Lily began to swing, pushing herself higher and higher in a rush of movement, and Severus, laughing lightheartedly along with her, pumped his legs hard to keep with her pace. "Jump with me, Sev! NOW!" she shouted. The two of them floated through the air for a period of minutes before landing lightly on the ground.
"Promise you'll do something for me," the now adult Lily asked.
"Anything."
Lily's face began to blur and change, her features slowly becoming those of his wife. "You ruined things for yourself so many times, Sev," Lily's voice said sadly, "Don't let it happen again."
He owled Wilkins the next morning.
##
As Severus entered the office, Healer Jon Edelstein looked up from the parchments he'd been reviewing, indicating for him to sit down. He'd been happy with the Healer that Wilkins had recommended. Edelstein looked to be in his late-50s with salt-and-pepper hair cut short, a clipped way of speaking, and a no nonsense approach. His eyes, behind wire-framed spectacles, reflected generous amounts of wisdom and compassion, the chief trait that marked the man as a Healer.
"Mr. Snape, based on my interview with you and the statements you've written down, we have agreed to the modified approach that you requested." Snape visibly relaxed as Edelstein continued. "During your appointment tomorrow afternoon, Healer Austin and I will extract two memories that we feel have the most likely chance of working for you. You will then be able to review each one in the Pensieve without us accompanying you at first. One of us will enter with you only if you request a second look for clarification, or if you seem compromised or traumatised in any way. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Severus agreed.
"Well, until tomorrow then," said Healer Edelstein.
Severus had spoken to his wife before his first visit to St. Mungo's the week before, briefly informing her about the procedure he would be undergoing. Happy that he was seeking help, she did not press him for more information, understanding from past experience that he would not hold anything back from her once he was ready to share. Today, Severus would be Apparating straight from work, prepared to stay for several hours if necessary.
Upon arriving, a young volunteer escorted Severus up some stairs and then down a hallway to the area where the American healers worked. The small room that he entered was quiet, sparsely decorated, and semi-lit, its only furnishings being several chairs and a table on which sat the stone Pensieve. He was greeted by the two healers, and instructed to sit in one of the chairs as they began the spells to perform the memory retrieval.
The other Healer, Nick Austin, was Edelstein's polar opposite. The frighteningly young-looking wizard sported shoulder length hair bleached an undeterminable number of shades of blond, multiple tattoos that peeked out from beneath the sleeves of his robes, and a ring through one nostril. At the first sight of him, Severus would have turned around and walked himself right back out the door had he not been forewarned by the older Healer, who had described Austin as a prodigy and exceedingly gifted.
The retrieval took longer than Severus thought it would. The contents of the two vials looked slightly different to him, as well, both containing a darker coloured and more volatile looking liquid than normal.
"Here you go, hope this one's a winner," said Healer Austin, pouring one of Severus' memories into the Pensieve and stirring slightly with his wand. "We're ready whenever you are."
Upon entering the Pensieve, Severus Snape found himself in the house on Spinner's End, upstairs in the small bedroom he recognized as the one that had been his while growing up. A black-haired baby, wearing only a nappy and vest stood up in a cot, crying out for his mother. That's me, he thought, finding a vague, unsettling familiarity in the memory.
After a few moments, his mother, looking younger than Severus had ever remembered, entered the room and picked up the baby. Following the two of them into his parents' bedroom, he watched the woman lie down on the double bed and begin nursing the child.
As time passed, Snape grew impatient, wondering about the importance of this particular memory. The mother and baby had just fallen asleep, and he was about to pull himself up out of the Pensieve when the noise of the front door opening and closing downstairs caught his attention. There was a sound of stumbling footsteps on the stairs, a muffled curse, and then the younger version of Tobias Snape walked somewhat unsteadily into the room.
Tobias took one look at his wife and child on the bed and suddenly straightened up, yelling, "What the bloody fucking hell is going on here, Eileen!" His mother woke with a start, and Severus watched his father grab the now howling baby, following him as he stamped into the stark looking nursery.
"Shut your gob!" Tobias thundered at the child, swatting the baby's bottom and plunking him down into the narrow cot.
Not bothering to button her pyjama shirt, Eileen had raced after her husband into the baby's room, trying to position herself between him and their son. Severus flushed in embarrassment, averting his eyes.
"This will teach you not to do things behind my back," Tobias shouted, hitting Eileen's face with a brutal slap. Severus flinched and tried to keep his eyes focused on the tiny version of himself. The baby had scooted over to the furthest side of the cot, sobbing in terror. Tobias raised his hand again, but Eileen dodged him this time, her heavy, naked breasts swinging.
Tobias laughed derisively. "Useless cow … just look at you! Your tits hang half way down to your belly." Suddenly leering at her, he rubbed at the bulging front of his work trousers and began unfastening them.
"Get back into the bedroom, Eileen," Tobias said crudely.
"But the baby," Eileen whimpered, holding her arms out to pick up the child.
"Do as I told you - get in there, shut up, and open your legs." Tobias paused with an ugly look on his face. "Unless you want it right here."
His entire body shaking with shock, rage, and disgust, Severus forced his head out of the Pensive, mercifully ending the memory. Swallowing hard to suppress the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him, he leaned on the table, head in hands. It was only after several minutes had gone by that Healers Edelstein and Austin approached him.
"Will you need further assistance from us?" Jon Edelstein asked quietly, offering Severus a chair.
Severus shook his head. Carefully schooling his face in an expression of bland neutrality, he met the eyes of the Healers. "Just some time alone to sort things out," he told them.
"Take however long you need," Edelstein told him. "There's a work station just down the hall. The Mediwitch on duty can summon us at any time, should you change your mind about additional consultation. Check in with them when you leave to confirm your follow-up visit. Good luck, Mr. Snape."
"Dude, he's a tough one," Nick Austin remarked after the two Healers left the room. "I'm glad he's going to be OK once he sits and chills for a bit; for some reason, I don't think I would have enjoyed revisiting that with him at all," he admitted.
"You've just met Severus Snape, war hero," Edelstein answered. "The fact that he is able to lead such a normal life is nothing short of amazing, considering the horrors the man has endured. And," he added caustically, "what do I have to do to get you to stop calling me 'Dude?' I'm not one of your no-maj skateboarding buddies."
Severus continued to sit in silence long after the Healers had left. Finally, he took a deep breath and expelled it in a loud 'whoosh.' Merlin's hairy balls! That had to have been the one, he thought. A Muggle quotation he had once read resurfaced in his mind, bringing with it a tiny flash of - dare he even think it - hope. "And those of us who do remember the past are not condemned to repeat it," he said softly.
##
Letting himself into the house, Severus extinguished the downstairs lights and made his way up the stairs. The bedroom was dimly lit, and moving silently across the room, Severus felt a sense of well-earned peace envelop him as he looked down upon his sleeping wife and child.
She opened her eyes, blinking drowsily, and began to push herself up into a sitting position. "The poor little thing was fussing so much earlier. I think she's getting a new tooth."
"I'll take her," Severus said. He lifted the deeply sleeping baby into his arms, his daughter's head cradled against the hollow of his throat. Across the hallway from the master bedroom was the nursery, it's ceiling charmed to resemble the night sky. Brushing aside the black curls, Severus pressed his lips against the baby's forehead and settled her gently into her cot, using a non-verbal Accio to summon a blanket from a shelf in the wardrobe. After tucking it around his daughter's small body, Severus quietly left the room.
Returning to his bedroom, he sat down next to his wife. He reached out his hand to cup her face, smoothing away her curls, and she responded by lightly running a finger over the back of his hand and down his forearm.
"Come to bed, love," Hermione whispered.