All Out Of Love

Chapter 1

It isn't because I think I will be happy alone; it is because I think if I love someone, and if than it falls apart I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don't have it, what if you like it, and lean on it, what if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying, the only difference is, death ends, this… it could go on forever.

Quote by Meredith Grey

Meredith

It was three in the morning and for some strange reason, sleep seems to be a rare commodity when one becomes a new parent. I awoke with a start, still sitting in a chair. I frowned because Derek used to say that in my sleep, nothing short of an apocalypse could wake me but that seemed to have changed overnight. Each sound coming from the porta crib and invisible alarm bells started going off in my head. I stood up and looked into the crib but to my surprise Zola was still fast asleep. She had kicked off her blanket though so I carefully tucked it back around her. I watched her for a while when my vision suddenly blurred. I blinked twice before I realized tears were rolling down my face. I tore my gaze away from Zola as the sudden heartache in my heart overwhelmed me; I missed Derek. I sighed and tiptoed to my nightstand to check my cell but there were still no messages. Sighing again, I climbed into my empty bed, burying myself under the covers. I stared up at the ceiling and listened to Zola's even breaths but despite her presence, I felt more alone than ever before. When I awoke a few hours later, the sun was already hitting the curtains in my window, bathing the bedroom in soft glow. I swung back the covers and got up. When I passed the mirror, I sighed; my eyes were dark, like I hadn't slept in days; in fact; I looked like crap. I put on my robe and tied the sash finding my slippers at the end of the bed. The second, Zola heard me, she squealed with joy. I picked her up and she gave me a big toothless smile that made me feel a little better.

"Let's get you something to eat, sweetie. You must be hungry?" With Zola on my hip, I made my way to the kitchen. A quick glance in the living room proved that Cristina was already gone. I set Zola in an improvised high chair at the kitchen table as I dug out a baby bottle and formula from the diaper bag. I poured the correct amount of scoops of formula into the bottle and filled the rest with water. When the micro wave beeped, I lifted Zola from the high chair and fed her the bottle. She briefly mewled and then she started sucking greedily.
"Yes…here you go. You're such a pretty baby and you have the prettiest eyes, I've ever seen," I spoke softly to her. Zola slightly cocked her head, trying to make sense of what I was saying. I smiled down on her as she emptied her bottle in minutes, gurgling happily. In the bright kitchen, she stared up at my face with that peculiar fixed stare that babies sometimes have. It was sort of soothing, watching her. After a while, Zola closed her eyes and her mouth went slack. I put the bottle on the table and lifted her to my shoulder. She gave a soft belch as I carried her back to my bedroom. I laid her down in the porta crib and she immediately took her pacifier, closing her eyes. When I turned to go, I spotted Derek silhouetted in the doorway, dark hair backlit, unable to read his expression. I swallowed hard and walked past him; my heart pounding and my pulse thudding in my ears. In the kitchen. I drank a glass of water while I waited for him. I watched him walk back up the hallway towards the kitchen when his cell rang. He gave me a look of frustration then held up one finger indicating I needed to wait. I heard him answer the phone then his voice went too soft for me to hear. I washed out my glass and stared out the window.

"So…you took her home!" He said from right behind me, startling me a little. I turned around and studied his worrisome face. I lifted my hand and gently touched my fingers to the dark circles under his eyes. "Yes…they've granted us temporary custody. I've tried to call you but you weren't answering your messages."

"Meredith..." Derek tore his gaze away from me and turned his back to me. "You know why I need some space…I'm only here to pick up some clothes."

"What?" I said, narrowing my eyes at him. "I get that you're angry with me but…moving out? We have a baby now. You have to help me take care of her!"

"YOU'VE MESSED WITH MY TRIAL," Derek yelled, turning around and getting right to the point.

"I know but you also know why I did it," I tried.

"Because you don't know the difference between right and wrong," Derek mumbled incoherently.

"Damnit Derek…SHE CALLED ME ELLIS…Adele thought I was my mom…the one who ruined her marriage!" I exploded, losing my patience.

"I AM TRYING TO CURE A TERRIBLE DISEASE," Derek screamed back at me. "WHAT IF YOU HAVE ALZHEIMERS'…WHAT IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHO I AM?" He yelled back. My head snapped up to look at him in disbelief. "GOD…I KNOW IT WASN'T THE SMARTEST THING TO DO," I yelled with tears threatening to fall, "BUT I CANNOT UNDO MY ACTIONS…DEREK, I'M SO SORRY…BUT, YOU HAVE TO KNOW…I WOULD DO IT AGAIN…No one should…get…," My voice cracked against the words, "…Alzheimers'!" Tears of frustration and anger pushed at my eyes, my pupils glistening. Derek noticed but he shook his head, lifting his bag and leaving the house.

Derek's POV

How can you forgive your wife? How many times can she say, I'm sorry for what I did…I should have talked to you when I had the chance? How can she say those things when she has probably destroyed her only chance at a healthy, long, lucid life?

Quote by Derek Shepherd

Indescribable anger coursed through my body as I dropped in the driver's seat and started the engine of my Jeep. The vision of a destroyed clinical trial provided more than enough adrenaline to put my foot down on the gas pedal to speed towards the Hospital. I clenched my fists tightly on the steering wheel, staring at the thick rain splattering against my windshield when a sudden memory sprang into my mind, "I worry every minute of every day that you wrap your car around a pole…your driving is something you can control!" With a sigh, I eased up the gas pedal and let my car slow down considerably. When I arrived at SGMH, I parked my car behind Richard's and sat still for a long moment just listening to the purr of the engine and the rain splattering on my roof. I closed my eyes and the image of Meredith holding Zola in her arms came back into my mind. Just the sight of her and Zola brought tears to my eyes. "Damnit Meredith," I groaned, smacking my fist against the steering wheel. I shut off the engine, grabbed my overnight bag and walked towards the hospital. A few moments later, I walked down the hallway towards Richard's office where a delegation of men was waiting and ready to interrogate me about the clinical trial. I gave a soft knock on the door and entered.

"Ah…Dr. Shepherd, we were waiting for you," Richard said amicably while he gave a short nod to the chair sitting opposite the three waiting men.

"I came the minute you called Chief. I'm fully aware of the importance of the matter," I assured everyone in the room before I sat down.

"Morning, Doctor Shepherd. My name is Dr. Sam White. I'm from the Ethics committee overlooking your Clinical Trial on Alzheimer's' disease. Could you please explain to us what happened on April 28?"

I cleared my throat. "The first real Clinical trial for Alzheimer's started here in Seattle Grace Mercy Hospital. According to the protocol, we've administered the real medicine and placebos to a number of patients. On April, 28 we've administered the medicine to patient 22. It was afterwards that we were informed that the medicine and the placebo were replaced".

"Can you give us the name of the person who switched the samples?"

I gave Richard a quick look but then shook my head, "I don't see why this would be of importance to this matter?"

White grimaced and then turned to his colleague on the right. He lowered his voice to a whisper so Richard and I couldn't hear and then turned back to me.

"I'm afraid you don't understand the seriousness of this case," Dr. White began. "Sure I do," I replied, "…but nothing has changed. When I administered the drug to patient 22, I didn't know, the samples had been switched. The Clinical Trial has never been in any real danger and I don't see why I cannot continue. Until now, the medicine has shown no negative results. It would be a great loss, if I had to stop now!"

I sat there and listened to them talk for an hour and a half about ethics, procedures and disciplinary actions before they finally left with the promise I would hear their decision about the trial before the end of the month. I leaned back and let out a breath, briefly closing my eyes. When I looked up at Richard, he smiled encouragingly and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't be too hard on Meredith, Derek. I will be forever grateful that she gave Adele the real medicine instead of the placebo."

"I'm moving out," I said, staring at my hands.

"WHAT?"

"Come on Richard. There's a great chance, we'll be shut down for her stupidities. I was well on my way of finding a cure for one of the ugliest diseases we know…a disease that killed her mother and…" I shook my head and stared at the floor.

"You're not angry with Meredith…you're angry with the disease. You're afraid that she has the Alzheimer's gene. Don't push her away because she might get sick, Derek. You'll never forgive yourself. If I had known that Adele would develop Alzheimer's disease, you think I wouldn't have married her? Richard shook his head and squeezed my shoulder again. "Please think about what I've said." I nodded and slowly rose from the chair.

Richard's words kept playing through my mind when I walked down the hallway. I turned the corner when I saw Cristina approaching.

"Whyl did you leave her alone last night?" She asked, irritation clear in her voice. Dark eyes spit fire at me and I wondered if I should explain myself to her.

"It's none of your business, Cristina. This is something between me and Meredith!"

"You men…are all the same," she snarled, her gaze suddenly focused on Owen Hunt who came behind me. Owen grabbed Cristina around the waist and hauled her up against his chest. With a sharp jab, her elbow connected with his jaw and Owen tumbled to the floor. The air left his lungs in a swoosh and as I helped him up, we both stared at Cristina in awe as she ran in the opposite direction.