The Big Juicy Sausage Love of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Dyzog
Chapter One - For the Love of Sausage
We were sitting in homeroom on the first day of classes. Our teacher, Mr. Otabe, asked us to introduce ourselves. One by one, up one row and down the next, students stood to share a little bit about themselves. When my turn came, I told the class about my hobbies. Then I sat down to let the next person speak.
This next person turned out to be an extremely beautiful girl. She rose from her seat behind me. "My name is Haruhi Suzumiya, and I'm looking for a guy that knows how to bring his game to the barbeque." She paused to scan the room. "Because I'm a girl who's the absolute happiest when her lips are wrapped around a big juicy…" She licked her lips. "A big juicy sausage! If any of you guys have a mouth-watering round of meat you'd like me to taste, see me after class. That is all."
The class gasped in unison before a stunned silence enveloped the room.
Taniguchi got up to break the spell. "As someone who came from the same school as Miss Suzumiya and went out with her once, I can vouch for this girl's hankering for juicy tube steaks. I can also attest to the intense feeling of satisfaction I experienced when she joyfully wrapped her lips around the gargantuan wiener I grilled up for her on our first and only date."
The class let out a collective sigh of relief.
"It wasn't that big," Haruhi muttered under her breath.
"As for me..." he continued, "when I'm not busy dating gorgeous women with odd culinary fetishes, I like calling radio stations and building train sets." I tuned out the remainder of his into.
The rest of my classmates took their turns introducing themselves. After everyone had finished, Otabe gave us a fifteen-minute break. I turned around to talk to Haruhi.
"You weren't serious about that, were you?"
She raised an eyebrow while playfully twisting the bow of her yellow hair ribbon. "Serious about what?"
"The whole thing about barbeques and loving to wrap your lips around big juicy… sausages." I put the last word in air quotes. "I got the distinct impression you were talking in code to the men in this class."
"No, I wasn't, you idiot. I'm just a typical high school girl who adores a specific type of food. Does my preference make you uncomfortable?"
"A little."
She moved her thumb and index finger an inch apart. "How little are we talking?"
"Not that little," I shouted. When the entire class turned to look at me, I lowered my voice to a whisper and bent forward. "I guarantee you made me much more uncomfortable than that." I moved my hands a foot apart. "Much more."
Haruhi's lips curled into a sly smile. "I look forward to seeing your grill."