A/N: This one-shot was my entry in 2015's Criminal Intent contest on SPPf. It got eighth place out of nine entries. I entered the first version of this one-shot mid-September 2015, and published this edited version of this one-shot on December 28th, 2015 on SPPf. Like everything I've written, this fic will be revised eventually during one of my Rewrite Months (Februaries).
Unlike all of my previous stories, this one-shot is primarily comedic in nature. I admit I have never written anything primarily comedic before in recent memory. While I had some doubts about trying a new genre for the first time as a contest entry, this idea was so good I couldn't not write it. It took me a while to come up with this idea, so I hope you enjoy it.
So you really expect me to talk?
Why would you ask me things, anyways? If you want information you should interview the boss. It was his stupid idea to take over the Pokemon world. I tried to convince him to stick to smaller crimes, but did he listen? No! It's like my opinions don't matter. Excuse me, Giovanni, but I'm the T.R.A.S.H.
It stands for Team Rocket Artistic Services House, okay? My office is an actual house, located right next to Team Rocket's headquarters. I live and work there. My job happens to be very important, although my title leaves a lot to be desired. I swear to Arceus, one day I'm going to find whoever came up with that acronym and chuck blueberries at him until he cries.
What? Blueberries are disgusting. They're like cold, fossilized Pokemon droppings, only blue. I just ruined blueberries for you forever? Good. You suck anyways.
No, I won't talk. Didn't I tell you that already? For Arceus's sake, just interview Giovanni or something. He's the boss, so he knows everything.
...What? He's dead?
...Oh.
Well, that sucks.
Wait, how did he die?
...Oof. Ow.
I guess Team Rocket is finished, then. On the bright side, now I get to tell you a story!
I know, I know. Just a few seconds ago I said I wouldn't talk. But that was before I found out that Giovanni was dead.
Dang. Now that he's dead I feel so free! Wow. I need a few moments to let that sink in. Wow.
The truth is, I'm a lonely woman. I've been wanting to tell someone this story for ages, but my very important job in the ranks of Team Rocket prevented me from talking. My post kind of prevents me from venting my anger to someone. I've had a lot of anger bottled up inside me for a long time, and, ugh! I just need to release it. I am so glad that I get to talk now! And you are going to listen, whether you like it or not.
Wait, you have time? You're actually going to listen? Well. Um, I'm not used to being listened to, at all. Th-thank you, I guess. But you're not a therapist, are you? Wait, really? Huh, that must mean that you're used to listening to people vent their frustrations.
That's actually really, really great, because… well, I'm just a really angry person in general. I know, I know, it's bad for me. I'm trying to get better at not being angry, but it's taking time, you know.
You should probably grab several large heads of broccoli now, because we're going to be here for a while.
Aren't you going to eat the broccoli while we talk?
WHAT? What do you mean, you don't like broccoli?! What the heck is wrong with you?! Broccoli is the best food in the world! UGH. I can't believe you. Give me a few hours while I freak out over the fact that you don't like broccoli. UGH!
...There I go again, flying off the handle. As you can see, I get mad easily. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
Fine. If you really don't like broccoli, I guess you can grab whatever food you eat when you interrogate people.
...No, I mean literally. Go do it. And while you're at it, you might as well get me five large heads of broccoli. Make sure they're ready to eat, okay? Oh, and they'd gotta be organic. Inorganic broccoli is for losers.
Oh wait, I forgot to say please. Courtesy is another thing I need to work on. Please go get me five large heads of broccoli. I'll explain why later.
...Back already? You must be really interested in hearing my story. And, quite frankly, I'm flattered. Did you get my broccoli? Thanks, this is perfect.
What did you get for yourself, by the way? Cookies? COOKIES?! What kind of a weirdo are you? Cookies are the WORST! Okay, maybe not as bad as blueberries, but they're still pretty bad.
...I really, really don't get you.
Anyways, enough about you, let's talk about me.
Aaand I called you a weirdo. Not again. I have no regrets about what I said about cookies, though.
You can call me M. My real name is Marmalade Jellington, but every time someone calls me that I throw a blueberry at him. See, this is why I used to work for a criminal organization. If you have a name like mine, either you deal with it or you turn to the dark side. And since the dark side - in this case, Team Rocket - offered me a good amount of money, the choice was a no-brainer.
Like I said before, I'm the T.R.A.S.H. I'm in charge of drawing and designing everything Team Rocket uses. Those snazzy uniforms that everyone wore? They were designed by yours truly. Our gadgets? Our scientists made sure they worked, but I made sure they looked good. Nobody in Team Rocket does artistic stuff as well as I do. In fact, whenever someone's project needs some snazzing up, he's often told, "Send it to the T.R.A.S.H."
My title is so stupid.
I also design propaganda posters, write speeches, and eat lots and lots of broccoli.
As you can probably tell, broccoli is my love and life. Every day, I marvel over how creative, amazing, and wonderful Arceus was to bring such a heavenly vegetable into existence. The crunchy, succulent stems! The lush, leafy florets! Have I mentioned how tasty and nutritious it is? Broccoli is great with cheese or bell peppers, but usually I just love to take a huge bunch of broccoli and just chomp on it. Speaking of which, I only have one head left?! How did that happen?! I guess I'll have to eat slowly, then.
Wait, you'd do that for me? You're being awfully nice to me - what's in it for you? Nothing? So you're saying that some people are nice just because they like being nice? Wow. I guess I need to go out more. Sorry about my broccoli rant, by the way. It's just that broccoli is the best thing in the world…
I'll stop now. Well, aren't you going to get the extra broccoli? Thanks.
...You know, for a member of the police, you're pretty cool. With you having experience as a therapist and all. I take back what I said about you sucking.
Now that we both have things to nom on, can I finally vent? Cool.
You know how Team Rocket is divided into units? Well, each unit has its own motto, and I am the one who writes each and every motto used by each and every unit.
What? You really thought they wrote their own mottos? Pfft. Excuse me, but who's the professional here? Wait for it… me, myself, and I!
The story I'm about to tell you is about none other than Jessie, James, and Meowth, the unit that we at Headquarters like to call "Team Losers". Okay, maybe not everyone calls them that. It's mostly me, really. I called them "Team Losers" even before they helped thwart Giovanni's world domination schemes. Because, honestly, out of all of our forces they were easily the most incompetent. I mean, how hard can it be to steal a Pikachu and give it to the boss? They were never really villain material to begin with, which is why they didn't support Giovanni's plan, I guess. But that's another story.
Me and Team Losers… well, we didn't get along very well. And that's a serious understatement. I have a serious dislike of them, and to this day I still can't stand them. Don't ask me why. They're almost as bad as blueberries. Which is why I'm going to vent my frustration towards Team Losers to you. I've been looking for an outlet for my anger for ages, and… I'm really glad you're listening, actually. No one else really listens to me.
Jessie and I were both people who really wanted to have their way, although I'd gotten used to not being listened to. But since I'm the T.R.A.S.H. and the only T.R.A.S.H., they had to leave the motto-writing to me.
Team Losers have had, like, four mottos so far. Or was it five? I can't remember. Point is, after using their original motto - which I took the time to write, by the way - for the longest time, they had the nerve to ask me to write a new one! I was like, "Are you freaking serious? I get it, times are changing, but do you really have to show me so much disrespect and just throw away the motto I worked so hard on? Why can't you just keep the motto you have now, and add the special effects that I asked you to add ages ago?"
What special effects, you ask? Ah, those are my pride and joy. You may not know this, but I was in charge of all of Team Rocket's special effects. I LOVE special effects! If I had my Special Effects Crew with me, there would've been a huge background explosion behind me, followed by an image of a huge, glittering head of broccoli. Unfortunately, I don't have my Special Effects Crew with me, which means our conversation is way more boring than it could be.
Special effects are awesome. No motto is complete without them, and no unit is complete without some Special Effects Crew members ready to spring into action when they are needed. Ah, special effects. Special. Effects.
Unfortunately, at that time Team Losers didn't take my suggestion of using their original motto with special effects. Ugh. To this day I still wonder why I bothered to collaborate with them.
Anyways, before Team Losers traveled through the Kanto Battle Frontier, I had to write a new motto for them. And they insisted on special effects too - I can't believe they had the nerve to do that! But I was gleeful to comply with their request, because special effects are always awesome.
And then Team Losers went to Sinnoh, and can you guess what happened? They requested another new motto! Same thing happened when they arrived in Unova. You see? This is why I'm so bitter. At least Team Losers had a habit of asking me for more and more special effects. I had a lot of fun with those.
Then, when Team Losers was about to go to the Decolore Islands, something happened that almost made me pull my hair out. And that's really saying something, because I really love my hair.
I was sitting in my office, working on my assignment to redesign Giovanni's office, when the videophone rang. When I answered it I saw that it was Jessie. I hung up immediately. I really didn't want to deal with Team Losers at the moment, because I had the feeling that they would say something extremely stupid.
I was right.
The videophone rang again, and after it rang for a while I picked it up reluctantly because I knew I would lose money if I turned down a request.
"This is M, also known as the T.R.A.S.H., but please don't call me that," I grumbled to the phone. "What stupid task does Team Losers need me to do now? If it's a mecha, I'll just send one of my old designs to the scientists. No one will notice."
"Don't call us losers, M," Jessie said curtly.
"We do everything in style, and you should know a thing or two about style," James pointed out, joining Jessie at the phone.
Team Losers' stupid talking Meowth popped in as well. "We're no fools! Team Rocket's doing it cool!" he added.
Ugh, I hate, hate, hate the way Team Losers rhymes everything they say. I'm okay with poetry when it's being used properly, like in an awesome motto. But rhyming everything is just going overboard. The fact that Team Losers was doing it made the rhyming worse.
"Meowth, quit it with the rhymes," I growled. I was losing some of my fabulous hair already, so I grabbed a handful of broccoli, stuffed it in my mouth, and chewed it viciously. "Just tell me, what do you losers want?"
"Ew, we can see chewed-up broccoli in your mouth," James complained.
"That's a Y.P., not an M.P.," I said.
"And what does that mean?" Jessie asked.
I was getting a migraine from dealing with these guys, and it had only been a few minutes. I sighed, preparing myself for the ordeal that was to follow.
"That's your problem, not my problem, that's what it means!" I shouted. "Tell me what you want or I'll call my Special Effects Crew."
"Fine," James said. "M, I think it's time that we changed our motto. And we all agreed that we missed the good old days. So we would like to go back to our first motto, only with more special effects, for nostalgia's sake."
"However, it has been quite a while since we used that motto," Jessie added. "So can we come to the T.R.A.S.H. and rehearse the motto, and also work out the special effects?"
I just stood there as everything they said sank in. I started breathing heavily as intense anger boiled inside me. At that moment I wished my eyes could shoot out blueberries, but then I realized how disgusting that would be. Ugh. Time to think about something else.
"M?" Meowth asked as I stood there seething. "Um, M, are you okay?"
Side note: I just hate it when people ask if I'm okay when I'm clearly not.
"NO, I'M NOT OKAY!" I yelled. I was just flipping out. I kept a bowl of blueberries on my desk in case someone annoys me, but this time I was so mad that I threw the bowl hard on the ground. Blueberries and shattered ceramic pieces flew everywhere, and I think one ceramic piece dented the videophone, but I was too furious to care. I stomped and jumped several times on the wreckage I caused, all the while screaming phrases that would be inappropriate for certain audiences.
"Wow, M is really mad," James commented.
Thank you, Captain Obvious! His little observation just made me madder. I snapped my fingers, and a Special Effects Crew member arrived, projecting a backdrop of a raging fire behind me.
"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME LIKE THIS?!" I roared as the flames danced behind me. "I wrote a perfectly good motto for you losers, and instead of taking my suggestion to continue using it but with special effects, you had the nerve to ask me for a different motto! Three times! I take all that time and effort to write the mottos and rehearse them with you, and what do you do? You go back to the original one! I asked you to keep the original motto ages ago, but did you listen? No! Only now you go back to your original motto, after I wrote three new ones!"
Remember, this was back before I learned that getting angry at everything miiight not be the best solution. This story I'm telling you is also the story of how I learned that. But it's primarily a serious rant against Team Losers.
Anyways, back to the story.
"Do you need to calm down?" James asked calmly.
"YES!" I roared. I then proceeded to further destroy the mess that was once a bowl of blueberries, and stuff large amounts of broccoli into my mouth. All the while, my faithful Special Effects Crew helped me express my anger towards Team Losers by using the perfect special effects. Explosions and thunder claps filled my office as I was having my temper tantrum. Ah, I just love my Special Effects Crew. They're so competent and loyal. Unlike some people.
After who knows how long I was finished, and Team Losers was terrified. Good.
"Clean that up, will you?" I asked a Crew member when I was finished. As he dutifully cleaned up the mess, I turned back to Team Losers.
"Fine," I said. "Meet me at the T.R.A.S.H. at 2 AM on Thursday. We'll work out your motto then. And I'm warning you, don't make me mad."
"2 AM?" Meowth complained. "But-"
"Don't make me mad," I repeated.
"All right, we'll see you there," Jessie said as she ended the call.
Ugh. I can't believe I had to deal with these losers, but a job was a job, and I was the best woman to do it.
I spent the next few days alternating between working on the two projects I was currently assigned. I would design Giovanni's new office for a few hours, and then switch over to working out the special effects for Team Losers's motto with my Special Effects Crew. Pretty soon, it was Thursday, 2 AM.
In case you're wondering, no, I don't have a weird sleep schedule. I just wanted to troll Team Losers a little by messing up their schedules as well as my own.
I was in the studio checking with my Special Effects Crew, making sure all the equipment was ready, when the doorbell rang. Well, at least they were on time. I walked to the front door and opened it to see Jessie, James, and Meowth standing there and looking like the losers they are.
"Ugh, why does your doorbell still sound like that?" Jessie complained, inviting herself in. James and Meowth followed her inside, and I sighed and closed the door. Typical Team Losers, showing no respect for me.
Oh, and by the way, my doorbell sound is the Broccoli Boogie that I wrote and recorded. Don't judge, okay? What? You're not judging? Wow, you're even cooler than I thought you were.
Anyways, I instructed Team Losers to follow me. As I led them to the studio, I grumbled to them about Jessie's comment and reminded them loudly to not make me mad. Again, a reminder that even now I get mad easily. It's not my fault that there isn't more broccoli in this world.
When we got to the studio, I said, "I can't stand you and you can't stand me, so just cooperate and we'll get this thing over with. Now, show me what you've got."
"You mean, recite our motto?" James asked.
I said, "More than that. Do all the motions, too. And get everything right on your first try, or we're going to be here for a while, pissing each other off. Stand in the center of the studio, will you?"
"You could have added a 'please'," James commented.
I rolled my eyes. "For your information," I said, "we are villains. And we all know that real villains never say 'please'. Now go. Hup hup." I clapped my hands and sat on my director's chair, which was a giant plush head of broccoli. I designed it, by the way. One of my best works.
Team Losers stood in the center of the studio. My Special Effects Crew leader gave me a thumbs-up, and I grabbed my megaphone, which - you guessed it - was patterned with heads of broccoli.
"Aaand… action!" I yelled.
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie exclaimed evilly.
"And make it rubble… oh, oops," James said. "Can we start over?"
"Ugh," I groaned, putting my face into my hands. "Two lines into the motto and you guys are already a trainwreck. Where to begin?" I picked up my megaphone and barked my orders to Team Losers. "Meowth, get out of there! You don't come in until the end, so beat it! James, I can't believe you messed up already. It's make it double. And Vanilla, get me some broccoli."
"Who's Vanilla?" James asked.
"That's none of your business," I said loudly as Vanilla, one of my Special Effects Crew members, left to get my broccoli. "Meowth, for the last time, get out of the picture. Jessie, James, your backs need to be towards each other! Have you forgotten the most basic thing? James, do you have your rose with you?"
Jessie and Meowth actually followed my orders, which saved me a lot of my hair. But James didn't have a rose with him. Thankfully, as soon as he told me that, Vanilla came back with my broccoli, which prevented me from yelling at James too much.
"Muffin, get James a rose," I instructed. "Cookie, get me some water. Losers, let's start again, and this time, give me more! Say your motto like you mean it!"
Cookie and Muffin obeyed my orders like the good Special Effects Crew members they are, but Jessie, James, and Meowth gave me odd looks.
"Don't. Call us. Losers," Jessie growled.
Then James made a little comment that totally made me lose it. For the record, it took fifty-one minutes and fourteen heads of broccoli to calm me down. That's an exaggeration, but not by much. Looking back, I think I miiight have overreacted a little.
The comment was, "At least our names aren't stupid." Now do you see why I'm so bitter?
Anyways, eventually we got rehearsing again. And everything just got worse. Jessie said, "To detect the world of hesitation", James dropped his rose three times, Meowth wouldn't shut up, and Team Losers even dared to question my choice of special effects.
Okay, not all of the above was true, but Meowth did make a really annoying special effects-related comment.
"How about stars, instead of R's?" Meowth asked. "Hey, that rhymes! I can rhyme all the time!"
If Cupcake and Pudding hadn't held me down, Meowth would probably be dead by now. Needless to say, by that time I was so mad that even my Special effects Crew were scared of me. At least they cooperated by filling the room with angry special effects.
What eventually stopped my rage was the fact that my liver started hurting. And since I love my liver, I took a chill pill. Literally. Vanilla was so scared of me that, while I was raging, she called the Team Rocket scientists and asked them to create a pill that would calm my anger. They delivered the pill to me in just eight minutes. Not bad. One day I need to find those scientists and thank them, but they're probably dead by now. Darn it.
Thanks to the newly invented chill pill, I managed to control my anger long enough to finish working with Team Losers on their motto. I was pretty surprised by how quickly everything moved without me throwing a fit once every two minutes. From that day on, I decided to try not being angry at everything for a change. Sure, Team Losers made a few mistakes. But there was nothing a little rehearsing couldn't fix. A little while later, everything was looking perfect.
"And, cut!" I yelled into my megaphone as the motto wrapped up. I gave Team Losers a round of applause, because they were finally getting it right. Also because I was so tired that I wanted to just get it over with. "Biscuit, load the special effects into a mini projector. Jessie, James, Meowth, you know the drill by now. Make sure the projector is with you wherever you go, and activate the switch whenever you say your motto."
"Hey, you didn't call us losers!" Meowth exclaimed happily.
I sighed and said, "Only because I'm tired of delaying everything by doing that." I put my megaphone down. "Now, just wait for Biscuit to give you the projector and you're all set."
In just a few minutes, Biscuit finished the task I assigned him and gave the projector to Team Losers. What? They're not here, so I can call them that. I sent them away, and I've got to say I was surprised at how calming down really sped up the whole process. After that day's success I decided to learn how to manage my anger without a chill pill, because, y'know, drugs are bad. I've been practicing my anger management skills to this day, although I've got to admit that I haven't been doing very well.
...You really think I've been doing okay? Aw, thanks. You know, you're pretty cool. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again.
So there you have it, a day in the frustrating but fabulous life of the T.R.A.S.H. I'm pleasantly surprised that you listened to my story and all my venting against Jessie, James, and Meowth. I know they deserve more credit for saving the world and all, but like I said, I just really can't stand them. On top of that, you put up with all of my quirks, so thank you.
How were your cookies? Glad you liked them. I really had fun talking with you and telling you my story. It feels pretty good, having someone just listen to me. It feels almost as good as eating broccoli.
Wait, you're leaving already? But what about me? How long will my fabulous self have to stay in prison?
...Only one year? But I was part of Team Rocket… not that I'm complaining, though! I'm glad I got off relatively easy. Look, you've gotta believe me when I say that world domination was never my thing. I only took the job of the T.R.A.S.H. because I love art, and I really needed money.
You see, my parents… they didn't support my love of art when I was younger. I wanted nothing more than to become an artist, but they wouldn't hear it. So a few years ago I ran away from home with my trusty Oddish, who was named - you guessed it - Broccoli. I tried to make a living for myself through art, but it was hard - really hard. I was broke practically all the time, so when I heard that an organization called Team Rocket was looking for an artist, I had to get that job. And I did.
I never had much of a problem with helping with petty crimes, because my job paid well. But I disapproved of Giovanni's master plan, which meant he had to carry it out without me. Truth to be told, as much as I can't stand Team Losers, I'm glad that they helped defeat Giovanni. A world with him in charge would be a sad, sad place.
…
...So now what? I mean, I know I have to serve a year in prison, but what happens after that? Now that Team Rocket's defeated, I'll be broke all over again…
...Really? You can offer me a job? An artistic one, no less?
Let me hug you.
…
Oh… um… I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this, I swear. Usually I'm really prickly. I don't know what came over me, it's just that…
Will you still be working where you're currently working in one year?
Yes? Which means… I get to see you again? Oh, yay… What about my year in prison, though? What will I do? Who will keep me company? Like I said before, I'm a lonely woman. I could really use a friend, or something…
You'd visit me? Are you sure? Really once every two weeks? I mean, you don't have to. I'm kind of a weirdo. What's happening to me? I've never been so self-depreciating before.
...I suppose it'll all make sense sooner or later.
Thanks again for listening to me. I really appreciate it.
Well, goodbye, then. Until next time…
I'll miss you.
-END-