A FAIR MISTAKE
...
"Do not mistake a goat's beard for a fine stallion's tail."
-Irish Proverb
...
The book lay, untouched, on the table beside her. The stars streaked past in the window, simple and calm after the storm of the past few days. Everything on Voyager had returned to normal. Everything, that was, except for Captain Kathryn Janeway. She sat, curled up, on the sofa in her quarters, gazing out at the stars. She had intended to pick up the book and read it, but she had left it sitting there. She sat with her back against the arm of the sofa, her knees curled up in front of her, her hands clasped around them. She wore her black pants and grey top, but no uniform jacket.
She was thinking about Michael Sullivan. For a moment she closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift back to the night in the bar when he'd first kissed her. Yes, she'd had a momentary hesitation, but for once, she'd decided to throw caution to the winds and she'd acted in spite of her better judgment. She began to relive the memories of three perfect days in her mind, but then she stopped herself. None of it was real.
The Doctor's arguments had been persuasive. She had allowed herself to be seduced by them; by thinking that perhaps he was right, that it didn't matter if Michael was a hologram. But in her gut, she knew that was a lie. At the end of the day, he would always be a computer program that could be modified, shut down, erased. He would always be a character created for one of Tom's fantasies. She chuckled low in her throat. Imagine, she thought. Me, in love with one of Tom's fantasies.
In love? That wasn't even really true. Infatuated, yes. In love, hardly. How could one be in love with a hologram? The Doctor had argued that Michael Sullivan was no different from himself, but that wasn't accurate. The Doctor knew that he was a hologram. Michael Sullivan was a hologram who thought he was a person... a person in nineteenth century Ireland. He knew nothing of the reality of his own existence, or the reality of hers. Any "relationship" that she tried to form under those circumstances would be based on a lie.
Deep down, she knew that she had been so willing to pursue a relationship with Michael because it would be safe. If she thought he might betray her, she could just alter his programming. Even though she had prohibited herself from doing that now, if something fell apart between them, she would always have the consolation of knowing that he was just a hologram, and that he wasn't real. She could always end the program if a confrontation became too difficult. She could always delete him from the computer's database if she decided she didn't want to be with him anymore. It wasn't that easy to delete a real person.
The Doctor's words came back to her. "You're the Captain. You can't have a relationship with a member of your crew. They're all your subordinates. So, where does that leave you?" She knew the answer. Alone. It leaves me alone. But she had accepted long ago that she was alone and that that was how it would always be, at least for the foreseeable future. No matter what kind of relationship she might want, it was out of the question until or unless they reached the Alpha Quadrant.
She paused, the impact of her own thought hitting her. No matter what kind of relationship I might want, it's out of the question... What was out of the question? She took a shaky breath and pulled her knees in tighter to her chest. This was not a good path to trod down at the moment. She reached down and picked up her book, trying to read. But although her eyes moved over the words, she comprehended none of them. With a sigh, she placed the book back down on the table, allowing her mind to resume its course.
She returned to the question that had stopped her: What was out of the question? She thought back to her conversation with the Doctor. "Michael Sullivan is exactly my type. Attractive, intelligent. We share the same interests." She knew that Michael Sullivan was not the only one to whom those adjectives applied. In fact, she had to laugh at herself. She hadn't considered it before, but when she had adjusted the hologram's height, she had made him almost exactly the same height as...
The chime at her door beeped. Who would be coming to see her at this hour? She wasn't expecting any visitors. Maybe it was Neelix or the Doctor coming to check up on her. "Come in," she said, not moving.
The door opened and she heard a gentle voice behind her. "Am I interrupting anything?"
She released her knees and jumped up off the sofa, whirling around to face her first officer. "Not at all, Commander," she replied hastily. "I was just doing some... thinking."
He smiled. "I can see that." The image of her curled up on the sofa remained in his mind as a rare glimpse of the vulnerability she so rarely exposed. He knew from the way she had leapt up that she had not meant to betray that to him, and he let it go. "I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a late dinner," he said.
She was about to refuse, but she knew that if she did, she would spend the rest of the night sitting here, looking out at the stars, thinking thoughts she did not want to think, so she said, "I'd like that. Thank you."
Her response made Chakotay smile; he had half expected her to refuse. "Great," he said. "Just give me a few minutes to get everything ready."
...
When Janeway arrived at Chakotay's quarters a half hour later with a bottle of red wine in her hand, she could tell that the Commander was working his usual magic. She buzzed the door chime, and the door slid open a moment later. Inside, it smelled incredible. She looked up at her first officer and smiled, handing him the bottle of wine. "It's a Bordeaux," she said. "I hope you like it."
"Sounds delicious." He took the bottle from her, and she noticed that he, too, had shed his uniform jacket in favor of the grey undershirt.
"What are you making? It smells delicious, Chako..." She broke off mid-word when she saw that the table was already set with their meal. She looked up at him, beaming like a little girl. "You made Welsh rarebit!" she exclaimed. "My favorite!"
He smiled. "I thought you could use a little pick-me-up."
She shared his gaze for a moment before responding, "Thank you, Chakotay. That was very thoughtful."
He gestured to the table. "Please. Let's eat!" He opened the wine and poured them each a glass.
Kathryn was already digging in to her meal. She hadn't realized how hungry she was. "This is delicious."
"I'm glad," he said, taking a bite of his own meal. He chuckled, observing her. "You must be hungry."
She put down her fork for a moment, forcing herself to take a breath. "I guess I haven't eaten much for the past few days," she admitted, but as soon as she said it, her expression darkened.
"Kathryn..." he began.
She waved him off with her hand. "Don't bother. I'm sure the whole ship has heard the rumors by now."
"I meant what I said on the bridge. It was nice to see you having some fun." He studied her carefully as she looked at her plate and took another bite of her rarebit.
She looked up at him across the table. "Chakotay, have you ever... considered the possibility of having a... relationship with a hologram?"
"I can't say that I have," he responded, careful not to put any judgment into his tone. He could tell this was a sensitive subject for her.
"I did. I considered it."
"I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
She sighed, putting her fork down and taking a sip of her wine. "It seemed like it would be so easy. No consequences. No protocols. No one who's feelings I'd have to worry about hurting." She stopped, turning away from him to look out the window.
"But?" he prodded.
She didn't meet his eyes as she continued, "But it wouldn't have been real. When there's no real risk, there's no real reward, either. And I realized that the only reason I was willing to have a relationship with Michael Sullivan was that I didn't really have anything to loose. Sure, for a few days I convinced myself that it could be something. I let myself get lost in Fair Haven... in a man whose subroutines I had modified to suit me... But it was a momentary infatuation, an escape, and that's all it ever could be. If I allowed myself to be taken in by that, to let myself believe that I could have a relationship with him, I'd be no better off than Lieutenant Barclay with his holo-addiction."
Chakotay's eyes were filled with compassion as he looked at her. She was still gazing out the window, refusing to meet his glance. If she had looked at him, she would have seen the depth of his feeling for her; the depth of his desire to spare her the anguish that she felt. She would have seen how much he cherished her willingness to be open to him at this moment. He recognized how seldom it was that she shared thoughts like these with anyone. She must have been truly shaken by her experiences over the past few days. "Kathryn," he said softly.
Reluctantly, she turned to look at him, but the expression on his face when she did took her breath away. This was real. Here was a man who had cooked her favorite meal for her when he knew she must be feeling down. She trusted him with her life. He was the only person to whom she could open up like this, and he wasn't a hologram. He was sitting across the table from her. "What?" she asked, her voice a whisper.
"You didn't let it get that far. You're not dependent on a hologram for a relationship. You have all of us here on Voyager, and we all love you."
She stood from the table and walked over to the window, looking out at the stars as she so often did, her arms crossed in front of her chest. "When I was a little girl, we had terrible storms on the farm. I was terrified of the lightning," she said softly.
He didn't ask her how this related to their conversation, or why she was bringing it up now. He simply stood and walked towards her and said gently, "That neutronic wavefront must have reminded you a lot of those lightning storms."
She wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. "I'm a starship Captain, but I still get the jitters from a little lightning," she mused.
He smiled, taking a step closer to her. "Everyone's afraid of something." He placed his hands on her shoulders. She let him keep them there, let him slide his hands down her arms, let him wrap his arms around her slim frame. Her own arms were still wrapped around her body and he held them there, pulling her close, holding her body against his.
Kathryn closed her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to bask in his strength, to take comfort in real arms that belonged to a real man. What the Doctor said remained true, at least for now. They could never have a romantic relationship... not of the traditional type... not while they served together on Voyager. But they did have a relationship; one that ran much deeper than many couples would ever experience; one that could not be explained or categorized, but which gave them both the strength and the courage to face each morning, knowing that as long as the other was beside them, neither of them could ever be entirely alone.