Note: This is a parody. And parodies aren't for everyone. But if you experience cramping, nausea, explosive diarrhea, depression, or Katniss and Peeta randomly attacking you, stop reading this. Anyway, enjoy the spoof, have fun, and may the odds never be in your favor.

The Blunder Games

Chapter: The Heeping

I woke up, and I saw Prim's fat cat lying right next to me.

"Get away, fatass! And stop giving me the middle claw."

This was the day of the Heeping. The Heeping is where the officials of the Capitol come and pick one sexy male and one slutty female between the age of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Blunder Games, a fight to the death on live TV. Winning means fame and fortune. Losing means certain death. My twelve year old sister Prim was sitting at the table with a very scared expression.

"Katniss, am I a slut?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"I guess not."

"Prim, the odds of being picked are one in a million."

"What if I do get picked?"

"Age twelve and from District Twelve? That's double twelves—you're doomed!"

I grabbed my bow and arrow and walked outside to the woods where I met my friend Gale. After an hour of shooting animals and eating them for breakfast, Gale said something that got me thinking.

"Y'know Katnip, we could just leave all of this behind us and live in the forest."

"We wouldn't last five miles," I shrugged.

"You're right. We'd last a marathon!"

"No Gale."

"C'mon! It'll be fun. We can eat those Katniss roots you were named after. We can pet each other all day, every day."

"Are you on crack?"

"Crack, meth, heroin, they're all the same." But then a helicopter came in through the sky, and we knew what it was: a copter from the capitol. So we made a mad dash back to town, where we were all gathered into the town square. The lady in charge (whose face was entirely white) stepped out. "Katnip, she's a vampire," Gale whispered.

"What makes you say that?"

"Her face is white, she's drinking blood, and she's hanging out with Edward."

Edward approached her.

"Hey, wanna smoke?"

"Go back to Twilight," she ordered. "Welcome to the 74th annual Blunder Games, may the odds be never in your favor. Now it is time to choose one sexy male and one slutty female to represent District Twelve in the annual Blunder Games. Ladies first." She puts her hand in the girl's bowl and picks a piece of paper. "Primrose Everdeen."

"But I'm not a slut!" Prim exclaimed.

"Like I said Prim, double twelves!" I reminded her. "Twelve year olds killing each other, what could be better, am I right?" Everyone else just looked at me. "Fine, I volunteer as tribute," I groaned. Then it was the boys turn. It's Peeta Mellark. He's not sexy at all . . . why are we choosing him?

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you the two brave tributes representing District Twelve in the 74th annual Blunder Games."

Since I'm from District Twelve, volunteering as a tribute is regarded as a death sentence. But of course Gale comes in and tries to make me optimistic.

"Katniss, you're gonna do great!"

"There's twenty-four of us, Gale, only one comes out."

"Other than the Careers, look at your competition! There's power hungry freaks from District Five, grease monkeys from District Six, lumberjacks from District Seven, aliens from District Nine, losers from District Eight and Ten, and most importantly, black midgets from District Eleven!"

Then the black midget came in.

"Awh hell no!" she screamed.

"Gale, you're so racist."

"The point is, Katniss, you're gonna do great. You've been using a bow and arrow since day one, and you might get a spear in your head, but other than that, you're gonna be fine. Now go get 'em!"

And now Gale turns to you. "Now please review, continue reading, and may the odds be never in your favor!"

Sidenote: Beta'd by WildPomegranate, my older sister. Check out her stuff, she freaking rocks.