Hey, there :) Welcome to my story.
I've decided to rewrite this after re-reading the first about 6 chapters. I've been writing this for over a year and my methods of techniques have changed much since then. So, if you're reading this for the first time and not my old work, I've spared you the pain of reading through a poorly-written fanfic. I'm planning to post the old version somewhere though, in case any of you are curious or want to check back on the old story. Here's the link: 624397934-dead-eyes-original-ver-chapter-one
Yes, I know I changed some of the dialogue, but it was so horribly OOC that I couldn't stand it anymore. It doesn't change the plot, though, some of the wording is simply different.
I don't own this fandom or any of the characters.
xxx
If the following tags are included in this chapter, they will be in italics and underlined
DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY CONTAINS SEMI-EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, DISCUSSIONS AND DESCRIPTIONS OF DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, GRAPHIC ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACKS, GRAPHIC SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, MENTAL ILLNESS IN GENERAL, PHYSICAL ILLNESS, AND DISCUSSIONS OF DEATH. DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE TOPICS.
xxx
Ed had been gone for months.
Roy supposes that he should have been grateful for that. Grateful in a sick, twisted sort of way, like half of him ached for the wish that he hadn't been gone so long and the other half of him was so relieved he did that it made his head spin. Because what would have happened if he hadn't found out, if he hadn't been forced to look so deeply into his subordinate's eyes, if he hadn't been left to wonder and debate for days before finally deciding on a confrontation?
But, long story short, if the pain-in-the-ass prodigy child hadn't been traveling around the country for four months, the Colonel would have had no damn clue.
It was a blessing in the form of a curse.
xxx
The raven-haired man had been playing around with a ridiculously large stack of paperwork, as per usual, when the door slammed open without so much as a knock, also as per usual. He didn't need to look up to know it was a large suit of armor cautiously tailing a tiny blond in a ridiculously large and blinding red coat. It didn't even surprise him anymore, the sudden noise of the large mahogany doors being thrown against the wall (how was it not damaged yet?); he and the rest of the office had gotten used to it throughout the years. (Fuery did spill his coffee all over himself once, though.)
"You could be less dramatic when you enter the room, Fullmetal," Roy chided. "You know what? You could be less dramatic in everything you do, for that matter. That wardrobe of yours can be the first to go." There was the sound of loud, padded footsteps followed by ringing, metallic ones before he looked up to see Edward standing in front of his desk, his brother not but a few steps behind. Ed pointedly ignored his taunting and dug through his large coat pockets, face shaded by unkept golden bangs. Roy sighed, fishing his watch out from inside his desk and clicking it open. "At least you're on time."
"I'm actually early, bastard," the fifteen-year-old rebuked, taking a fistful of crumpled papers from his pocket and tossing them onto Mustang's desk. Rolling his eyes and mumbling under his breath about something related to 'borderline intolerable' and 'the handwriting of a two-year-old', Roy took the papers and skimmed over them. They were nothing more than absence reports, an explanation as to why a member of the military had been on such a long, four-month leave. It should have been easy, so why could he barely read the damn thing?
The Colonel looked up at the boy in front of him. "I'm honestly not surpris-" His words came to a stop before the man even realized what was happening. Roy's charcoal eyes had finally caught up with the sight before him, and how had I not seen sooner because damn, something is really, really wrong.
The man took it all in at once.
First of all, Ed was skinny. Not the normal kind of small-build-small-frame skinny, but the kind where you could see the slight protrusion of bones underneath the skin and every article of clothing hung low like it was several sizes too big. It wasn't what he saw first, though, even though the boy was already so small that it kind of shocked him seeing Edward even smaller than usual. The alchemist's gaunt face and slightly hollowed cheeks didn't disturb him as much as it would someone else; sometimes, usually after an especially long or challenging mission, the kid became like that for a few weeks. Roy, without much thought, regularly brushed it off, but not before dropping subtle reminders of go home, Fullmetal, your short ass is falling asleep standing up and eat this, I find it disgusting but surely it'll suit your underdeveloped and mediocre palate.
But even the difference in Ed's physical appearance didn't completely disturb him like the way his eyes did. His eyes, his radiant, confident eyes, what happened to them? Why did they look so defeated, so lifeless, so... dead?
Roy still remembers the first time he laid his gaze on them. Edward was tiny, a small defenseless child bound to a wheelchair and handicapped by both major physical and mental injuries. His eyes had no business shining as bright as they did that day, they had no reason to send a scorching chill down Mustang's spine because that kid had just been through unbelievable trauma. So why the hell did his eyes burn like a raging fire? Why did they blaze through Roy's subconsciousness?
He found the answer to that question out pretty early on. Edward Elric was determined. Determined to live and thrive and fight like no one else he had ever seen, and Roy had always known with a strict certainty that was true.
Always, until now.
His golden, shining eyes were dull. Dull. How was that even possible? Instead of radiating their usual confidence, were blank and dismal. They were always the one thing about the boy that didn't change no matter how many other things around him did. To be completely honest, it scared the Colonel. It sent a different kind of chill than before through his body, like an icy finger tracing down his spine that made his hair stand up on end.
Roy didn't realize he was still staring with a blank, confused look written across his face until Ed's thin eyebrows pulled together in a glare. He raised his gloved hand and waved it in front of the man's face. "Earth to Colonel Bastard. I think your true, idiotic self is showing."
Mustang shook his head, breaking eye contact only to desperately connect it once more a mere second later because what the hell, what happened? "Sorry, I just... Something about you is different." He propped his elbows up on the desk and put a hand underneath his chin, eyes narrowing in suspicion. He knew exactly what was different, but it wasn't like he could just blurt out 'oh, hey, your eyes look like they belong on a corpse.' That would be a lot of weird in one sentence, something Roy didn't really want to deal with.
Edward huffed a breath mixed between humor and annoyance. "I think you need glasses, with your old age and all," the blond teased, a mocking tone behind his words. "Because I'm pretty sure I look the exact same since the last time I saw your ugly face." He paused for a second, considering before his signature scowl sharpened his soft features. "If you're making some elaborate short joke right now, I swear to God I'm going to-"
"No, no," Roy waved his hand dismissively. "It's something else. You still are abnormally close to the ground, though, so don't worry about that."
Alphonse, who had been shifting nervously ever since his brother's classic 'threatening of superior officers' had made an appearance, cut him off before he had a chance to retaliate. "I think what the Colonel means, brother, is that he's worried about you."
"Hmm," Roy hummed uncertainly. "That's not quite it." That's exactly what I mean.
"Yeah, he's just a nosy idiot," Ed stated, ignoring his brother's disapproving, slightly surprised squawk behind him.
"That's not quite it either." The man pulled his elbows off the table and sat up a bit straighter. "Anyways, did something happen?"
Edward raised an eyebrow and let out an undignified "Huh?"
Al spoke up from behind him. "What do you mean, sir?"
"I mean just that."
"Nothing happened," Ed interjected, tone defensive. "Nothing happened and I'm not any different. Now, if you're done being weird, I want my next mission so I can get out of here. You're wasting my time."
Roy narrowed his eyes. He would have loved to just brush the subject off and give Ed the papers he needed so they could both move on with their lives, but something prevented him from doing so. There was some invisible, mental barrier that made questions itch at the back of his mind and just urged him to press further. As if that would get him remotely anywhere with Edward. The kid had a will as strong as steel and there was almost no amount of convincing that could change his mind once it was made up. The knowledge of that fact didn't stop him from wanting to push all sorts of buttons, though.
"I'm being serious, Fullmetal."
"I am, too." Ed's dull eyes scanned Roy's desk before stopping on a stack of papers with his name scrawled across the front. Reaching arrogantly across the cluttered surface, he grabbed for the stack with gloved hands that Roy was sure looked skeletal underneath the material, at least one of them. Mustang was faster, though, and he had his hands on top of the documents before Ed could yank them off of the desk. They played an awkward tug-of-war for a second, both trying to avoid toppling the precariously tall piles of paperwork crowding the desk's surface before the blond growled in utter annoyance, letting go of the papers and slamming his flesh palm down onto the mahogany.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
Roy felt a bit stupid as the question hit his ears. How did he even know something was out-of-place, anyway? Logically, the man knew he could be completely and horribly wrong about the whole thing. Emotionally, though, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was right and that he needed to hurry up and do something about it. So he pushed his conflicting thoughts aside and pushed deeper. "I feel like you're not the one who should be asking that question."
Ed's entire posture tensed, angry with every inch of his body. He just wanted to get his papers and get out. "Who the hell says something happened? Al and I were just searching for the stone, as fucking usual, so I don't know what to tell you! Back the hell off."
"Don't play dumb, Fullmetal, I'm not completely incompetent."
Just as Ed was opening his mouth to shout back a response, Alphonse stepped closer, speaking up before the argument could get any further. "Nothing happened, sir, I promise," his tinny voice squeaked, unsure of himself and his decision to intervene. He didn't look like he was lying, not that he was the type to lie at all. The armor's glowing eyes were honest, sincere, and a tiny bit shaken from his brother's explosive temper as if he was afraid Ed might get his position revoked or something along the lines. If the young alchemist was under any other commander, he would have been fired a long time ago, so Mustang knows that it's not the panic of being caught in a lie, but the fear his brother might lose his job.
Roy sucked his teeth uncertainly, doubting himself again because he knew Alphonse wasn't lying to him. Okay, maybe he had backed himself into a corner. Maybe he had guessed incorrectly and made the wrong decision of pressuring Ed and demanding him to spill a secret he didn't even have in the first place. Because what if he wasn't hiding something? What if there was nothing wrong at all? Their relationship would be skewed. Ed would think the worst of him, surely, and how long would that last? But as soon as he locked his charcoal eyes with Ed's golden ones, his stomach tightened in a knot that refused to loosen no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he was making the whole situation up, that he was horrendously wrong. Because something was not right. It made his chest tighten and chills go up his arms. It gave him such a shocking feeling of anxiety that he almost didn't know what to do with himself.
Because something was so, so horribly off about his subordinate.
And Roy was afraid. That wasn't something he felt terribly often. He had been through too much to feel fear on a regular basis.
But he was scared of what would come if he didn't figure out what was going on. Scared that something horrible was going to happen.
He was afraid.
So he plowed forward.
"Somehow," the man cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the unsettled feeling in his chest. "Somehow, I'm not convinced."
"Damn it, Mustang! Nothing happened so just leave it at that! Now, if you're done wasting my time," Ed slammed his hand down on Roy's desk for the second time and yanked the set of documents from his grasp. "I'll be going. Our research about the stone is none of your business, so stay the hell out of it," the teen hissed, turning on his heel and storming away, Al trailing apologetically behind him. The door slammed behind the two, and the last thing Roy caught sight of was the tail of Ed's red coat, fluttering in the wake of his aggressive exit.
The Colonel dragged both of his hands down his face, sighing. "I wasn't talking about your research, Fullmetal."
The large mahogany doors creaked open, causing Roy to swiftly pull his hands from his face and search the entrance with his eyes. He half-expected Ed to come through them once again and apologize, spilling the big secret that the man knew he was keeping. But that was simply illogical. Instead, Lieutenant Hawkeye stepped through, looking genuinely confused and slightly alarmed. There was usually never a time that Roy wasn't happy to see Hawkeye, being the romantic that he was. Usually, it was the part of the day he looked forward to when she came into work. Now, though, he was slightly disappointed.
That entire confrontation messed me up to the point where I don't even think the Lieutenant can help. I'm not even pleased to see her.
Damn that brat.
"Sir?" Riza stepped forwards, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. Placing yet another stack of papers on Roy's desk with a dull thump, she questioned, "What was that about?" The woman looked half ready to aim her pistol that was always loaded in her belt at him, probably expecting that he had teased and prodded Ed into storming out in frustration.
If only that were the case.
"I don't know," he sighed, rubbing his face again. "But I'm going to find out."
xxx
.
.
.
wHeN WiLL yOu LeArN
.
.
.
tHaT yOuR aCTiOnS hAvE cOnSeQuEncEs
.
.
.