Back from the dead! I have been actively reading everything just haven't posted anything in like 2 years lol. This is awful- prewarning but feel free to read anyway! Love you guys! -Lauren

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door

Twelve years, she thought. Twelve fucking years. She loved him, there was no denying that and she didn't even try to anymore. She did love him, Elliot Stabler, she was in love with every single part of his being. He was apart of her, and sadly, he always will be.

'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die as a happy man I'm sure
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside

She thinks about it all the time, what she'd do if she saw him again. She plays it out in her head. Would she be mad? Would she tell him all of the things his silent torture did to her? No. She'd fall into his arms and weep. She'd love him up and down and never look back. She knows that.

I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

She doesn't break down each night like she used to, the amount of times she cries over Elliot's absence has dramatically decreased since the beginning. But the nights it does hit her, it hits her good. She sobs uncontrollably, she breaks down, starring at herself in the bathroom sink, wondering how she isn't strong enough, wondering why after all these years he still has this hold on her, but mostly, she wonders how. How could he do this to her.

But If you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body, Take my body

She wonders if he loved her at all. Because how could you do this to someone you love? Some days she thinks he didn't love her, she was just another card in the deck, on those days she falls apart. She gets irrational. She calls into work, she kisses Ed goodbye, and drops Noah off at school and she goes back home to crawl under the blankets so she can fall apart. On other days she knows, she knows he loves her, and she trust he had his reasons. On those days she pulls herself together. She washes her face and she'll take a shower, and she'll crawl back in bed, cuddle up next to Ed, and pretends he is all she needs. But he knows truth and it kills him, not enough to walk away, but enough.

All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody

He tries to ignore the face she makes when her eye catches that picture of her and Elliot that sits like gold on the back corner of mantel. The sad love pours from her eyes when she catches a glance of it. Her heart stops beating, just for a moment. Ed knows. He knows he will never be Elliot, he'll always be her second choice, but really, any other man would be her second choice, unless that man was Elliot Stabler.

'Cause you brought out the best of me
A part of me I'd never seen
You took my soul wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens

Ed makes her feel like a million bucks, like the prettiest girl in the room. He loves Noah like his own son, and he knows she likes to drink her cup or orange juice before brushing her teeth, and he bought her the most beautiful engagement ring, and her gave her the most beautiful wedding. But Elliot, he makes her feel she's the only one in the room, he feeds her passion with fire, he knows the difference between her sad face and her angry face. He knows how she brushes her teeth, 5 strokes in each quad, then the fronts, the backs, everywhere in between, he knows how she applies her lotion to her hands and how she always ties her hair up from the right side. He knows when she's had enough, even if she doesn't. He knows Olivia inside and out from top to bottom.

But If you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body, Take my body
All I want is, All I need is
To find somebody, I'll find somebody

But it doesn't matter who she loves more or who knows her better, because at the end of the day, through the tears and laughter, she will never understand how he left her, if he loved her, so she'll wake up tomorrow next to Ed, they will laugh and love until Noah crawls into their bed for Saturday morning snuggles, then they will get up and spend the day together as a family, because that's what they are, a family, she'll continue to wonder how he left her but she will also continue to love what she has. At the end of the day, there is no Elliot, but there is Ed, Because she found somebody.

I know it was awful, still posted anyway! Oh well lol. Maybe I'll brush up on the writing and continue with some off my other stories.

review? Thanks guys!