"I'm home, roomie!" beamed Craig Feldspar as he walked through the front door of his house holding a dozen balloons and carrying many heavy paper bags that sported the "Lucky Aide" logo. Craig waddled into the kitchen and set the paper bags down on the table.

Craig's housemate, Reese Wilkerson, sat at the kitchen table with an opened newspaper in front of him. "Craig, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" he asked, keeping his eyes locked on the newspaper.

"I'm sorry, but I keep forgetting!" Craig paused to tie the strings of his balloons to the back of one of the kitchen chairs. He then sat down at the kitchen table. "Don't you want to ask about my day?"

"In a minute," Reese responded, still staring at the newspaper. "I have to keep my focus."

"Why?" asked Craig. "You're not in school anymore, so why do you need to read? I thought you hated reading."

"I'm not reading!" Reese exclaimed. "I'm trying to see the hidden picture!"

"There are hidden pictures in the newspaper now? Like those optical illusions where you can see a picture within a picture if you look closely enough?"

"Yeah," Reese responded. "I've been sitting here for hours trying to figure this one out."

"Oh, I've always been a pro at those," said Craig. "You know, when I was in grade school, I never fell for optical illusions, and I could solve any optical illusion puzzle that was given to me. The kids called me 'Master of Illusion'…well, actually, that was a nickname I gave to myself. And I was the only one that used it. The other kids were still fixated on calling me 'Poopy Pants' because of that incident in the second grade…they could never let that go. Ooh, I wish they would've let that go-"

"Look, that's great and all, but if you don't mind, I'm trying to concentrate on this puzzle. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here!"

Craig smiled. "Let me see if I can help you!" Craig rose from his chair and walked over to Reese so he could get a glimpse of the newspaper.

Reese pointed to a Sudoku puzzle. "This one is labeled 'easy,' but that is such a lie: 'easy' means an average guy like me should be able to solve this in maybe ten minutes tops! Who sets these standards? Geniuses like Malcolm? Sorry that not everyone is a genius, stupid picture!"

Before Craig opened his mouth to begin to explain to Reese that a Sudoku puzzle did not contain a hidden picture, the doorbell rang. Reese promptly stopped staring at the Sudoku puzzle. "That's for me!" he exclaimed. He scampered to the front door, nearly kicking over two kitchen chairs and a lamp in the process.

A friendly UPS employee handed Reese a large cardboard box. The UPS employee smiled, "Here's your-"

"Yeah, thanks," Reese said as he quickly shut the door before the UPS employee could finish. Reese ran over to Craig. "Open it! Open it!"

Craig's eyes lit up. "For me?" he smiled.

"Yes! Happy work anniversary!"

"Aww, you remembered!" Craig exclaimed.

"How could I not? You've only been talking about this day for the last two months! You've even been talking about it in your sleep!"

"It's true; I do tend to sleep-talk about the things I think about the most." Craig coyly giggled before he paused and started to sweat. "Say, Reese, you haven't heard me say anything about your mother in my sleep, have you? Because I can completely explain that in a non-creepy way-"

"OPEN THE BOX!" Reese shouted.

"Okay, okay," said Craig, as he took the box from Reese, walked to the living room, and sat down on the couch. Reese joined him.

"Before I open this, we need to make sure the whole family is gathered!" said Craig. "Ooh Jelly Bean 2! Jelly Bean 2! Where are you, kitty? Come to your Craiggie-poo, my Jelly Bean 2!"

A fluffy, white cat ran toward the living room from the master bedroom and sat on the floor a few feet from Craig and Reese.

"I still can't believe you gave that cat such a lame name," said Reese. "You should've taken my suggestion and named him 'Reese,' after the one he loves most."

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" Craig protested. "If I said it once, I've said it a million times: just because he pooped on your shoes before mine does not mean he loves you most!"

"He was marking his territory! Plus, if you loved him so much, why haven't you pooped in his litter box to mark him as yours? I've done that five times so far, so he's mine! Now open your damn present!"

"Fine," Craig huffed, muttering cross words under his breath. He ripped the packaging tape off of the box, shuffled through some packaging peanuts, and pulled out a large, pink, porcelain teapot.

Craig held the teapot to his face. "A teapot?"

"Yeah," Reese responded. "I picked it out myself. I figured that you liked girly stuff, and a teapot is about as girly as it gets without buying you dresses and make up. I did not want to go there! Anyway, I hope you like it."

Craig smiled and nodded hysterically. "I do! I do!" Craig swiftly jumped to his feet, startling Jelly Bean 2 and causing him to run into the kitchen. "I think it's time to make some tea!"

"Good idea," said Reese. "Although, if you want to make tea, you may want to use these." Reese reached into the opened box and pulled out four small teacups from beneath a layer of packaging peanuts.

"Teacups?" Craig asked, beginning to feel a pain in his stomach.

"Uh, yeah," Reese responded. "Why would I get you a teapot with no matching teacups?"

Craig stood still, his skin turning pale and his eyes looking distant. "Teacups," he muttered softly. "Tea…cups."

"Uh, are you okay, dude?" Reese asked. "You're starting to look like a zombie. And talk like a zombie. Hey, are you a zombie? Have you been hiding this from me all this time? No fair! I thought we were friends!"

Craig fell to the floor and started crying in the fetal position. Reese rushed to this side. "There, there," said Reese, "it's okay! There are a lot of up sides to being a zombie, you know. Personally, I think the zombies have the upper hand if a zombie-human war ever breaks out. Speaking of which, I need to start putting together a survival kit-"

"No," Craig said. "No, it's not that. I just…just…teacups!" Craig sobbed.

"Yes, Craig, you already said that," said Reese. "I know that becoming a zombie means losing your basic English skills, but as long as the zombies have not declared war on humans, you are stuck having to relearn human English until your people take over."

"Reese, I am not a zombie!" Craig explained. "I'm just afraid of teacups."

"What?!" laughed Reese. "That's stupid."

"No, it's not," protested Craig. "I have a perfectly legitimate excuse for my fear."

"Yeah, whatever," laughed Reese.

"I'm telling the truth!" said Craig. "Sit down, and I'll tell you the whole story…"