Why won't you let me be in love with you?
A/N I just can't stop, this ship man it's taking over. Send help. Yeah I really enjoy writing this couple. They're just so much fun to write about and to think I used to think my favourite ship was Everlark. All hail Hayffie. So yeah I wanted to write a fanfic about them actually becoming a couple because my first two Hayffie fanfics are about them being unable to acknowledge their feelings but now we're dealing with full frontal emotion.
District 13, the destroyed district, the derelict district, the damned district. Effie looked around at her blank room, letting its emptiness sink in. She thought of home. It seemed so far away. Her comfortable bed, her expansive wardrobe and her wig collection. The walls seemed to shrink around her. Of course she wasn't a prisoner. It seemed a small comfort.
She shook her head and grabbed a pencil that was on the table. She was going to do something about this. She would not live like this. She would not live in a world starved of beauty. She couldn't. She took the pencil and began to draw; she wasn't sure what she was doing. Suddenly she realised she was drawing feathers. She applied more pressure to the pencil, its dull grey becoming black.
Her Mockingjay. She hadn't even known what one was before Katniss. Haymitch had to explain it to her. It seemed dangerous but at the same time it was just so incredibly Katniss. To defy the world just by existing. She used her fingers to smudge the colour together, admiring her own work. Sinna told her that she was a good artist. Her eyes filled as she thought of her friend. It wasn't fair; the graphite stung her eyes as she rubbed her tears away.
It was lonely here. Effie had never been lonely, she'd always had plenty of friends and she prided herself on being something of a minor socialite. She'd been happy, well mostly and surely that was more than most had. Of course there were other people from the Capital here but they had chosen to be here. Willingly sacrificed everything, Effie wondered if she would have had the strength to come here on her own. She liked to think she would have, help her Mockingjay, change the world, and make it better. She really liked to think that she would have. Of course she never had a choice.
The gentle knock disturbed her musings. She didn't want to talk to Plutarch; she'd help him besides he'd be helpless without her. It wasn't easy making Katniss look good but if anyone could do it, it was her. She didn't need another talk. She needed to get started so democracy could be restored. It sounded silly and farfetched in her head. "Go away, I'm thinking."
A gruff voice replied "Well isn't that amazing, do you want me to call the Press."
'It better not be who I think it is.' She thought because if it was, she was going to kill him. She opened the door. Of course it was him. Almost as a reaction she slapped him across the face.
"Well I guess I deserved that." He admitted. "Anyway how are you?"
"You kidnapped me." She shouted alarming several innocent District 13 citizens.
Haymitch looked uncomfortable, his hand was shaking uncontrollably. Damn Doctors. There were all looking at him like he was a circus exhibit. "Look, can you please let me in."
Effie slammed the door shut. A tiny voice in her head told her that what she did was incredibly rude. But if there was one person who could make Effie's blood boil enough that she didn't care about being rude. It was Haymitch.
"Effie, they were going to interrogate you." Haymitch pleaded banging on the door "It wouldn't have been pretty."
There was silence. Haymitch just looked at the door; he couldn't let another one close. He'd just have to stand there. She opened the door, her voice shaking "Why didn't you tell me?"
He looked at her, she was so different. This Effie was like Ice, her anger cold to the touch. "You didn't trust me." She said simply looking at him, her eyes fierce despite the tears that flowed down her face.
"There wasn't time" Haymitch offered knowing the answer was weak.
Effie laughed without any joy "So because you didn't trust me, you thought it would be better if I was uprooted from my life without any warning or time to prepare."
"It would have tipped them of." Haymitch insisted.
"Fine." She acquiesced but Haymitch knew that she wasn't done. "What about Sinna?"
God knows how much he didn't want to think about that. It was too much of a risk. The whole mission would have been put in jeopardy. They had to save Katniss. He knew that. Hell Sinna knew that. It didn't make it any easier. Why did he always have to make the choice? During the Hunger Games it was easy. He chose himself. Now he was deciding who lived and died. He was a washed up drunk. His eyes felt sore and hot as he looked at her. How could she make him the guilty one? It wasn't fair. He'd won the Hunger games. That was enough punishment. Now he'd have to spend the rest of his days being guilty. He was crying in public. Damn meds. He couldn't face her; he wasn't going to do this in front of her. He had to leave.
She reached for his hand. For once she was speechless. So many times in her life; she had to fill the air with conversation. Silence was so awkward and there was also something that could be said. She wanted to say something, something stupid that would make him ok. Or hell just something to make him laugh. But she just couldn't think of anything.
He had to run, he didn't know where. The forest, branches clawing into him desperate for a piece. The careers behind him, faster, faster. Need to find a place to hide. Find weapon. Kill. Escape? No, this wasn't the games; this was district 13 with so many damn corridors that all looked the same. Where could he go? There was nowhere to go. He stopped. Just let them kill you.
He could hear them "Where did he go?"
"Let him hide, there's easier prey, twice as many as usual."
"No I'm going to find the runt."
"Just leave it."
The rustling continued but the voice stopped. Heavy breaths. In. Out. Knife glinting in the sunlight. The Career had his pick at the cornucopia. His eyes scouring the jungle for the runt. Hunting prey. Big mistake. Too much training. He thought he was the hunter. Hands, clumsy, oafish, sweaty. Too much heat. Then the knife. Grab. Plunge. Too much blood.
"Haymitch are you ok?" she asked.
He grabbed her. The knife. Where did the knife go? He couldn't see the knife. They could come back. He had to kill.
"Haymitch stop." She screamed. He felt her quivering. Her eyes were full of fear but focused. She looked directly at him. "Haymitch, you need to go to the hospital."
He could feel the wind. He was back there. His hands were warms and sticky, the blood already turning from scarlet red to muddy brown. The scent, the forest, the corpse, it was all here.
"Haymitch this is district 13." Effie said her voice quavering but level. No sudden noise. Just stay calm.
"No it's not Effie, I'm there, I'm always there, and you just can't win." Haymitch cried, his eyes were red with pain. He sobbed, his whole body shaking as he collapsed. How did he let this happen? How did he become so weak?
"I know, I'm going to help you." She told him then added "I promise."
The doctors in district 13 lacked a certain finesse but they were admittedly skilled. Unfortunately addiction therapy wasn't one of their specialties. In the Capital, it was almost considered fashionable to go into therapy. Effie remembered just before she went she'd declined going to someone fifth's rehab party. It was sickening, deliberately becoming addicted so you could celebrate overcoming it. How empty must their lives be?
She left him, not really sure what to do. She couldn't really face him right now even after her punishment. Also she knew him well enough that he needed a bit of time alone. Anyway she had a job to do and a rebellion to inspire. Of course Katniss was predictably awful. Ask the girl to shoot an arrow blindfolded into a target 50 metres away, no problem. Saying a three line speech like she meant it. Impossible. Thank God for Haymitch who came in and immediately knew what to do. Of course now she was gone and Effie once again was left to worry. All those times, all those children she'd sent into the games. A part of her wanted to forget them but then she felt guilty. Those children weren't a scab that she picked at. They deserved to be remembered. Then afterwards Haymitch had been there.
He'd smelled nice sober. Effie didn't need to think that. She would stop herself thinking that. They were colleagues bringing about a better Panem for the future. That sounded like something she would have written on a flashcard. She supposed it was only natural to go and thank him. Thank him for his assistance today. It was only natural besides she should check up on him. She did make a promise. She stood outside his door, willing it to open. This is silly. She took a deep breath and knocked.
She heard groans and then shuffling then open "Hello" she said brightly, too brightly. Her tone was so high it almost made him wince.
"Come in." he said, without even thinking.
Effie just stood there "Umm I just wanted to give you this." She held a bottle of red liquid in her hands "its grape juice, unfortunately not as fermented as you would like but I wanted to thank you for helping."
Haymitch took the bottle of her, without even looking at her "Come in." She knew she probably shouldn't but what was the harm, he had asked.
"God I need a drink." Haymitch admitted, pouring the liquid into a glass tumbler. "Cheers" gesturing to Effie
"Go ahead." Effie said, analysing everything, his room was exactly the same as hers, apart from the mess which was everywhere. The smell wasn't exactly pleasant, but it was almost nice to smell something that wasn't so clinical. He looked ok which was good. He'd clearly been better at their meeting in the morning. He was shaking more now, the juice not quite making it into the tumbler.
"Thanks" he said smiling taking a huge gulp, not really caring that it went down so fast he didn't really taste it.
Effie looked at him with a mix of concern and pity "You do know that's just juice."
"Don't I know it; this no tolerance approach to alcohol is not what I call civil." He said looking at the juice, almost willing it to turn into wine before his eyes.
"At least you chose to be here." Effie muttered not really intending to say it out loud but of course she had.
There was a silence between them. There was a part of her that wanted to scream at him for ruining her life for forcing herself to live in this bland world. She couldn't though. She needed to be here and he knew that. She had to help Katniss. Effie couldn't help but smile at the thought. Effie Trinket, Rebel maker. "Thanks for backing me up with Katniss today." Haymitch breaking the silence and her contemplation.
Effie thought of her Mockingjay, how could she not help her? How could she let her do this on her own? She was only a child. A remarkable child. A child who could inspire a nation to better itself. But she was still a child and she shouldn't have this burden. "You were right she was dying in here, she's Katniss, she needs to be out there, she can't pretend to inspire, she has to actually inspire."
"The girl has many skills"Haymitch mused "Unfortunately pretending is not one of them."
"Well it's a good thing she's got me" Effie said quietly. "It's my forte." Why was she saying these things? This was becoming embarrassing.
Haymitch reached for her cheek, it was already wet with tears despite herself she held onto his hand on her cheek, embracing its warmth. "If this all goes well, we won't have to pretend anymore." He told her, for once in his life trying to sound sincere.
"Aah Haymitch" she said wistfully, not quite keeping her tears in "I don't know what's left without the pretence."
"Can I tell you something, Effie?" he asked, Effie nodded her head, and her eyes were sparkling. "I don't know either."
Effie laughed "Well I guess that's a good thing about this place, we can't pretend anymore."
Haymitch picked up his tumbler "To not pretending." Gulping his juice.
Effie poured herself a drink "To a new world." She sipped it gently, she wasn't really thirsty. "So are you feeling better?"
"How's life without your wardrobe?" He asked.
"I improvise." She said gesturing to her jumpsuit.
"I noticed." Not even bothering to hide the lust in his voice. Her bright flamboyant dresses had a certain allure especially when it came to ripping them off. But he had enjoyed this simpler approach, no makeup, being able to appreciate her figure and her features. It was pleasant.
"You are such a pig and you didn't answer my question." Effie insisted. She poked him with her finger. He was being quite blatant and even here there had to be a sense of decorum. Though it was not unpleasant that her efforts to make the standard jumpsuit a little more suitable had not gone unnoticed.
Haymitch groaned, annoyed that she was asking him this. He considered lying but it seemed improper after the toast on not pretending. Besides she was probably the only one here that cared "I've got these headaches, they're a pain, also I can't stop shaking which is a pain, I don't think I'm going to win any needlework competitions any time soon, also I'll just be sick for no reason, so that's fun, I thought stopping drinking was supposed to make you healthier."
She held his hand feel his shakes going through her hand "It will but you've been drinking a long time and your body needs time to adjust."
"What makes you such an expert?" Haymitch asked.
Effie frowned; the truth was that she'd nagged the doctors endlessly after what happened. Eventually one of the doctor explained that his body had become so used to alcohol and weaning him wasn't an option. So he'd have to suffer going cold turkey. It was going to be a slow road and there was no guarantee that he would stop drinking once he got out of this place. The Doctor had explained to her that if he started drinking again after a long period of sobriety, there was a chance he could die. "I just know." She replied her cheeks going slightly pink.
For whatever reason Haymitch decided to leave it at that. "Yeah well, the doctors here leave a lot to be desired."
Effie was sympathetic to this, she'd found well everyone here to be quite standoffish. She was an outsider, no one was going to let her forget that. "You should be grateful." Effie told him "They've probably added years to your life."
Haymitch didn't answer he just looked down. The greatest pretence of all, that life was worth living. There were plenty of times he wished he'd died in that arena. As he looked back he wondered why he'd fought so hard. He knew no one needed him; he'd made sure of that. There was the revolution, bringing the capital down. If he was honest though he didn't have a thirst for vengeance or even a desire to make the world a better place. Why in the hell did the world deserve to be a better place? It had never done him any favours. Now the only method of killing himself that he could stand had been taken away. His head ached as a single thought crushed his mind. There was no way to escape. As he thought that he felt something soft brush his lips.
Effie's eyes were looking directly into his, they were hesitant, but also questioning, she bit her lip nervously "Wow" she whispered "You taste so much better this way." She kissed him again, her lips covering his. His heart hammered in his chest as he felt her hands stroke his face. He wanted this if he was honest that's why he let her in. The next best thing right. Why not? He deserved this one night where he didn't have to feel like a washed up drunkard who people only put up with out of politeness. He wanted her. What was the shame in that? He didn't have to pretend anymore, President Snow wasn't going to march in and tear them apart. He could just be with her and for the first time ever he didn't have to worry about the Capital. He didn't have to worry about anyone taking her away.
She pulled away at first he was confused. Then he saw her looking at the bunk bed. It wasn't the most comfortable prospect in the world. There was a part of him that really didn't care; his mind was fogging with lust. He lunged for her, pinning her against the wall. His hands shook frantically as he tried to clasp that stupid zip. He just couldn't stop shaking. The clasp was there but he couldn't feel it.
Effie reached for her zip and pulled it, granting him access. His hands desperately sought entry as soon as she did it. Effie could feel his hands on her even though his hands were shaking; they instinctively went to where she liked to be touched. She smiled as he continued to kiss her. She paused for air which just gave him a shot at her neck which he took. "Oh God I needed this." She rasped.
Haymitch stopped for a second. What in the hell did she say? It didn't matter. They were done with talking; he had one thing on his mind now. He wanted to devour her. He wanted her to scream. He wanted her. But what did she say? She felt her hands across his stomach and they clasped around his back pulling him closer. There was nothing in the way now. He needed her so much.
He stopped kissing her and his heart broke at the hurt in her eyes. But he stepped back. He looked at her. He was insane she was giving him exactly what he wanted. Sure she was probably still mad at him for bringing her here. But she was always mad at him. His head was awash with a crushing pain as he tried to focus. For once he couldn't even blame the alcohol.
"Effie you need to leave." He told her his eyes closed; there was no way he was making the mistake of looking at her.
Effie didn't say anything. She walked away back to her room. What else could she do? The moment she got back her knees seemed to give way underneath her and she collapsed onto the floor. She didn't want to cry. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of making her cry. She didn't want him to think that he had succeeded in absolutely humiliating her. It was so stupid. He'd manipulated her into feeling sorry for him. He'd taken advantage of her loneliness and isolation so he could use and discard her. She wanted so desperately to be angry, to have a fit, punish him, and get even.
She cried like she was a little girl. The kind of crying where you don't care how you look or how much noise you're making. The world doesn't matter then, the whole world becomes your sadness and you don't know when it's going to stop. Of course the really stupid thing was that she wanted him. She'd missed him. She wondered if he was ok. She was so soft hearted, everyone knew it. So of course everyone took advantage of it. But what went wrong, she offered him everything like the fool she was. But he didn't take it.
Haymitch kicked the wall as he stayed in his room. This stupid action resulted in a sharp pain in his foot. He wanted a simple release and instead here he was in pain and it was his own stupid fault. How could anyone be so stupid? It would have been so easy. She was so hot especially in that stupid jumpsuit. How could anyone pull off that stupid jumpsuit? Their relationship had always been physical, an emotional release after the games.
There was too much. She was too much. She could be everything. He wanted her to be everything. No she already was everything. How could he give her all the evil in his life as well? She didn't deserve that. He'd taken everything from her, her home, her career and she was risking her life. How could he possibly take any more? What kind of monster would want more?
A/N So that was fun, I hope Haymitch's Nam styled Hunger Games flashback makes sense. Please review. Also whilst this story isn't over. If you want more Hayffie love whilst waiting for the next chapter you can read my other Hayffie fics. I should have seen where they first get it on and it's cold outside where they realise that they can't let each other go.