Title: She's Gonna Break Soon
Rating: strong PG-13. includes language, sexual content, and self-mutilation (nothing graphic)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the characters Nicole Morgan and Dylan Scott
Author's Note: This is a one-shot, however it is on the long side. Comments are always (even CONSTRUCTIVE criticism). Also for those of you thinking Stacey or any of the characters is out of character remember this takes place 4 years later and people do change.
Stacey McGill had always been more mature than the rest of the Baby-Sitter's Club. At 17, she'd changed. Gone were her days of baby-sitting and being "BFF's". It was all about partying and having fun now. Stacey was popular, beautiful, and smart. On the outside, it seemed as if she had everything she desired. Being part of the upper crest meant people thought they knew every detail of her life.
What they didn't know was Stacey had perfected the art of hiding her true self and her feelings freshmen year. When she walked down the hall, guys jeered at her and girls gave her dirty looks while obviously talking about her. They thought they knew her. They thought she had an easy life, but none of them knew about her constant struggle with diabetes. Her need for perfection and attention. The feelings she felt, that led to suicidal thoughts. Did they even know her parents were divorced? Did they know she was in constant battle between the two of them, trying to please them both? At 15, she'd become a big sister. Adjusting to no longer being the gem of her father's eyes had been tough. A year later, another new little girl had come along pushing Stacey further out of the picture.
Stacey McGill, who seemed so cool, independent, and strong was teetering over the edge. She was on the edge, and like fragile porcelain, the smallest vibration could send her falling over the edge to smash in to a million pieces. Stacey would lead to her own downfall and her own destruction.
"Hey baby" Dylan Scott said coming up behind her. He was pressed up close to her, as people flew by them on their way to class. He was so close she could feel every muscle move, every twitch. Stacey knew what Dylan wanted. He said he loved her but Dylan wanted one thing. Sex. Their relationship was purely sexual, hidden beneath a façade of undying love.
"Dylan I gotta get to Calculus" Stacey said moving forward becoming another faceless person in the mob of students. She refused to look behind her. How much longer could she put up this charade?
Stacey slipped on a black blazer over a silky, low-cut, lime green tanktop. She took one final look at herself in the mirror. A pretty but obviously unhappy girl stared back at her. She sighed putting on her heels. Stacey loved fashion but she thought blazers with jeans and heels was a trend that never should've started. For the sake of being "in" she put up with it.
"Stace! Nicole is here" her mom called.
I'll be right down" Stacey yelled. She gave her hair a quick brush and added a coat of lip gloss before coming down. Her best friend Nicole Morgan stood at the bottom of the stairs looking bored. She perked up when she saw Stacey.
"Hey doll. C'mon. If we don't leave we'll miss everyone at Rave" Nicole said. Rave was a new club in Stoneybrook. Stacey loved Rave. They played the best music and there were plenty of hot, older guys to dance with. Rave was technically 18 and older but Nicole and Stacey had managed to get some fake i.d.s.
"Wow Stacey you're a hottie. I'd do you" Nicole teased as they climbed in to Nicole's Red Mustang Convertible.
"Nikki you're a mega hottie" Stacey called back. This new friendship with Nicole was something Stacey wasn't used to. At first, Stacey had wondered if Nicole was gay. She had constantly told Stacey she was hot and a babe but Stacey had learned it was how Nicole was with her friends. As they drove to Rave, Stacey let the breeze hit her face enjoying the ride. Nicole pulled in to a parking lot.
"C'mon. We'll walk." Nicole said. Stacey slipped out of the blazer. It wasn't right for dancing. Stacey wanted to feel sexy and free. A blazer wasn't right for the mood she was in. She wanted to flaunt herself not hide it.
As they approached Rave, Stacey could already hear the music. Getting in was the hard part. Stacey had to quickly flash her i.d. and then blend in to the crowd. As soon as they entered Stacey saw their friends out dancing. She shimmied her hips to the beat as the made her way over. She could feel Dylan's hands all over but she lost herself in the music. For now she was Dylan's.
"Stacey what's with you?" Dylan asked. She pulled him close.
"I'm just so in to you Dylan" Slowly, her lips met his. It was a slow, tantalizing kiss. "I'm gonna get a drink" she said pulling away. Dylan had boyish grin on his face. Weaving in and out of the crowds of dancing people she came to the bar.
"Hi. Can I have a diet coke?" she asked. Not matter how wild or sexy she wanted to be, Stacey still had to take care of herself. She tried not to let diabetes run her life but it didn't mean she could ignore the fact that she had it.
"Stacey? Stacey McGill?" a familiar voice called out. Stacey turned around to find herself face to face with Sam Thomas. A boy she'd once been in love with. A boy she hadn't seen in ages.
"Sam! Hi!" Suddenly she felt as if she were her 13-year-old self, crushing on him. There had been something between them but it had never really evolved.
"Stacey. I thought that was you…dancing. You're not 18 yet are you?" he asked. He gazed down at her. Time had done wonders on Sam and he was now cuter than before.
"I like to think of age limits simply as suggestions" Stacey answered breezily. She had leaned in close, and her mouth grazed Sam's ear as she spoke. All she wanted to do was tease and flirt with him. All thoughts of Dylan flew out her head. Sam smiled at her.
"A suggestion huh? Look at you Stace. All grown up." He said lightly. His warm, inviting eyes bore down on her.
"Well you cleaned up pretty nicely too. So what are you doing here? Already kicked out of college for sleeping with all the hot chicks?" she said laughing. Her hand was on Sam's shoulder. She could feel the muscles underneath her fingers.
"Nah. Nobody ever found out about the girls. No seriously I'm just home visiting. You know, Kristy and Mary-Anne are around here somewhere." Stacey had taken a sip of her diet coke as he said that and began to cough. Kristy Thomas and Mary-Anne Spiers, sneaking in to Rave. Suddenly it dawned on her that they had both had their 18th birthdays already.
"Stacey. You're….here with Sam?" Claudia asked as she walked up. She looked surprised to see Sam and Stacey together.
"Sam! Hi. Can I steal away this doll for a moment?"
"Yeah. Of course" Claudia grabbed Stacey by the arm dragging her away.
"C'mon Stacey spill. You and Sam?" Even in their senior year of high school Claudia and Stacey were still best friends. They had made other friends, even other best friends but they still made time for each other. Stacey loved Nicki with a passion, but she shared an unbreakable bond with Claudia. Sometimes she doubted Nicole and her trustworthiness. Sometimes she got the feeling that Nicole was using her.
"Claud. There's nothing to spill. We end up at the bar together. I didn't even know he was going to be here!"
"Claudia? Stacey?" a voice called out. Stacey turned to find herself face to face with Kristy and Mary-Anne. By the middle of freshman year they'd drifted apart. The girls she'd once shared sleepovers and secrets with were the girls she never talked to. She'd said maybe 10 words to either of them since then.
"Uh hey. So how are you?" she asked trying to fill the awkward silence. Stacey knew how dorky she sounded but she had no idea what else to say. 4 years was a long time not to talk.
"Uh pretty good" Kristy replied brushing her hair back. Kristy had grown-up since 8th grade but she was still a tomboy at heart.
"So how's Dawn? Sunny? Maggie?" Claudia asked. Mary-Anne's face lit up.
"She's amazing! She got accepted to Berkeley so she's super excited to go. Sunny isn't doing so well. She's pregnant but she plans to move up with Dawn. The two of them are going to raise her baby together. Maggie is doing fine. She and Tyler Kendall are getting really serious apparently." Stacey smiled weakly. How sad. She could've even carry on a conversation with her old best friends.
"So what have you two been up to?" Stacey asked trying to fill the unmistakable silence. Kristy's eyes got an angry look in them.
"Well if you'd actually bothered to talk to either of us since freshman year you'd know. But no Claudia and Stacey are too good to talk to anyone below them. They're willing to drop their friends for popularity. God, I've wanted to say that for so long" Kristy spat out. Stacey was blown away.
"Uh Kristy and I need to get going" Mary-Anne said leading Kristy away. Claudia looked over at her.
"Stacey you don't look so good. Let me take you home" Stacey nodded. Her body suddenly felt weak and drained. They started to make their way out when she saw Sam.
"Just a sec" she stumbled over to Sam.
"Hey I'm going to go" she said. He smiled at down at her. Oh wow he was cute.
"We should hang out sometime. We always had fun" he said.
"Most definitely. Call me. My number hasn't changed" she said. He touched her cheek.
"You better be expecting a call from me. You really did grow up Stacey" he said. She nuzzled his hand and then broke free.
"It was fun" she said as she walked away.
Stacey felt completely overwhelmed by her confrontation with Kristy and Mary-Anne. Never in her life had she felt so emotionally drained. It had brought back a flood of old memories. Some made her smile, others made her want to cry. It had made her realize the bad parts of her life. Her relationship with Dylan wasn't going anywhere. He made her feel dirty and used. He made her like she was a slut. Dylan would never admit that Stacey's capability as a human. Or the fact that she was intelligent.
As she thought about her life, memories of her parents screaming at each other raced through her head. Stacey sat on her bed crying. She just wanted it all to go away. She reached under bed and pulled out a box. A small knife was in it. For months she'd thought of cutting. She'd hidden the box underneath her bed but she'd never actually tried. This pain she was feeling right now was just too much. She held the blade of the knife on her wrist. The blade kissed her wrist. She tried to press down but she couldn't. It was like her body wouldn't let her. Stacey let out a deep sob realizing she couldn't do it. Putting the knife away she curled up on her bed and cried herself to sleep.
Claudia and Stacey entered Stoneybrook High School. Mondays were the worst. Stories about her weekend escapades always popped up. It didn't matter what she did. Didn't they have anything better to do then make up stories about her? Guys gave her sleazy smiles as she walked by, girls cast jealous looks.
"Claudia is it just me or is everyone staring at me?" Stacey asked. She felt as if a sign was above her reading 'Look at me! Gawk at me!'
"C'mon Stace. You know how Mondays are" Claudia said brushing away Stacey's doubts.
"No Claud. I'm serious. This is worse than normal"
"I have no idea. I'll try to figure it out during 1st" Claudia glanced down at her watch, "Shit I'm going to be late if I don't leave like NOW. I'll see you during 2nd?" Claudia took off in to the crowd leaving Stacey to face the world alone. Taking a deep breath Stacey headed to the restroom.
"Well, well if it isn't the famous Stacey McGill" Cokie Mason said as Stacey entered. She shot Stacey a snotty smile as she left the bathroom. Stacey went over to the skin splashing water on her face. As she looked up she was greeted with an unwelcome site. Sprawled across each mirror in blood red lipstick were the words "Stacey McGill is a slut." It wasn't the words that stopped her heart. No, it was the familiar blockish writing. The shade of lipstick only one person at SHS wore. The oh so familiar handwriting and lipstick belonged to her supposed best friend, Nicole Morgan.
Stacey stared at herself. How stupid had she been to believe that Nicole was her friend? Nicole was so fake, they all were. The supposed "popular" people were so damn fake. Girls who were friendly to your face spread rumors behind your backs. The guys who seemed so nice would say or do anything to get in your pants. Everything was skin deep. It was based on how pretty you were, who you dated, the clothes you wore, the car you drove. Stacey glared at herself. How could she have let herself get so caught up in the glitz and glam of being popular?
Suddenly the last four years of her life felt so superficial. She was just as bad as any of them. Judging people for what they were not who they were. Leaving her friends for popularity. Hiding who she truly was to fit in with them. She stared at her reflection. She looked so perfect and put together. This wasn't her. She was breaking, losing everything she had believed. Stacey reached in to her bag for a tube of lip gloss but then stopped.
"Screw it" she muttered leaving the lip gloss abandoned at the sink as she walked out.
"Stace. I know what happened" Claudia said breathlessly. She had run from her class to deliver the news to Stacey.
"I know. I know. Nicole wrote some shit about me on the mirrors in the girls bathroom" Stacey snapped. 1st period had been horrible. She kept getting notes asking Stacey when she'd be available to "service" different guys. Her supposed friends had been friendly to her face but she wasn't deaf. She could hear their whispers and giggles when she was turned around.
"That's only the tip of the iceberg" Claudia said. Stacey's eyes opened wide. How could there be more?
"There's all kinds of stuff written in the guys bathroom saying stuff like 'Call Stacey McGill for a good time' and stuff like that. Apparently Nicole was pissed that you left so early on Saturday so she thought she'd 'teach you a lesson'. Nicole tried to come on to Dylan but he like told her off and said that he had you for any of his needs and he didn't need Nicole. So she was even more pissed since Dylan shot her down and decided the school need to know the 'real' Stacey McGill."
"Oh my god. Who did you hear this from?"
"Ellie Watson. But apparently Nicole is denying the whole thing if anybody asks" Stacey felt like screaming. Not one word that was being said about her was true. Nobody knew her. Nobody would EVER know her.
"I can not stand this Claudia. I NEED to get out of Stoneybrook. Or maybe just get out forever" she said bitterly.
"2 more months Stace. 2 more months"
Stacey choked back her tears and managed to spit out "I don't think I have 2 more months" She chose that moment to take off. There was only one thing that she could think of to take away the pain and that sat underneath her bed in a box.
Stacey stared off in to space. It was Friday afternoon bringing her week from hell to an end. Everything had fallen apart in a week. She had lost all of her friends except her boyfriend and her best friend. Rumors just seemed to keep circulating. Apparently she was now pregnant with Dylan's child.
The afternoon heat was beginning to get to her. She began to roll up her sleeves but quickly pulled them down when she saw the cuts. As her life fell to pieces she turned to a knife. Stacey was filled with pain and regret. Cutting was the only pain she could control. She controlled the knife, she controlled the pain. Who would've thought that perfect, blonde, blue-eyed Stacey McGill would become a cutter. Who knew that she would receive her rejection letter from NYU, her top school, the same day her life fell apart. Stacey who always seemed so in control and on top of things played no part in the downward spiral her life was taking.
The bell rang signaling the end of the day. Finally, she could escape this hell.
"Stacey wait up!" Claudia called.
"Oh hey I didn't see you back there" Stacey said softly.
"So do you want to do something this weekend?" Claudia asked. Stacey watched Nicole walk by. It took every ounce of strength she had not to rip out each hair on Nicole's body.
"You know what? I want to go to Matt Lawson's party. I want to have fun and party and forget all this shit. I could care less if they talked about me the whole time. That's what I want to do" Stacey announced boldly.
"Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure in my life"
"Okay I'll come by around 8 and pick you up" Claudia said smiling uncertainly.
Before they even stepped in the house, Stacey could hear the music pounding through the walls. Her philosophy for the night was screw everything. She would get drunk, dance, laugh, and break up with Dylan. As fate would have it, the first person she saw upon entering was Dylan.
"Hey! Can I talk to you outside?" she yelled over the music. Dylan nodded his head smiling at her. He had been great this past week but there was no substance in their relationship. They weren't meant for each other.
"Dylan. You have been so great this week but I think we both realize this isn't really working anymore. I mean I'm the school pariah now and you're not. It's not fair to either of us to be in this relationship. It was great while it lasted but it's finished now" she said. As soon as the words left her mouth she felt as if a brick had been lifted off her shoulders but it didn't stop the tears from forming in her eyes. Dylan gazed down at her.
"I…I guess you're right. I mean I can't force you to be in a relationship with me"
"I just want you to be happy. And I don't make you happy anymore. So go inside and find a girl who makes you happy"
"Stacey. You're crying are you sure you want this?" he asked.
"I'm positive. You deserve better Dylan." Stacey kissed him softly and then returned to the party. She needed to forget all the sadness she was feeling. Stacey walked over to the "bar" Matt had set up.
"Hey Matt how about 2 beers. One for now, one for later" she asked loudly looking around. He looked up at her.
"Uh sure thing McGill" he said reaching in to a cooler. He set them on the counter but before she could pick them up somebody else reached for them.
"Hey!" she began to protest loudly but stopped as she saw the thief. It was Sam. "Sam. Hey. Um can I have my beers?"
"Stacey! Are you crazy? Do you want to end up in the hospital?" he shouted.
"Sam. You're making a scene. Just give me the beers" she hissed.
"Not a chance. You do realize you're a diabetic right? If you drink these you're going to end up in the hospital maybe even DEAD" he shouted. Stacey glared at him.
"If we're going to do this could we atleast do it OUTSIDE" she yelled back.
"Fine" They walked out to the backyard.
"What were you doing back there? You're not my parents. You don't control what I do and don't drink" Stacey said.
"Don't you care about what it could do to you? Stacey I care about you and would hate to lose you over 2 beers" he said softly.
"I don't care anymore Sam. My life is a mess. I just broke up with my boyfriend. I've lost all my friends and all popularity. I am somehow failing all my classes now. I got rejected to NYU. My school thinks I'm the worlds biggest slut courtesy of my supposed best friend. Oh and to top it off I'm a psycho who cuts herself" she shouted. Sam stared at her.
"Stacey, what do you mean you're a psycho who cuts herself?" he asked slowly. Stacey pulled up her sleeves.
"I mean exactly what I said. I swear only crazy people do this" she said showing him her arms. He touched her arm tenderly.
"Oh my god Stacey when did things get so bad?" he asked still holding her arm. He pulled her in to his arms holding her as if she were fragile.
"I've thought about it for awhile but things just got really bad this week. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't have anyone I can truly trust anymore" He stroked her hair.
"You're wrong. You have me. I'm going to help you. I love you. I can't stand to see you hurt yourself" he whispered. Stacey pulled back turning to face him.
"Did you…did you just say you love me?" she asked. Sam blushed.
"Um yeah I did" he said, "Through all my girlfriends and all of our break-ups I've always loved you" Stacey threw her arms around him. He had said the words she longed to hear. She had needed to feel loved again, to feel that somebody still had hope in her.
"Sam, I love you too. I love you for loving me. I love you for having faith in me. I love you for looking out for me. I love you for making me feel a little better. I love you for helping me. Just thank you" she said. He held her tightly. She loved the way he felt. How they fit together.
"I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to help you." He said holding her even tighter. Above all else, she loved him for just holding her. No kisses, nothing but holding her. It made whatever they had, seem real. It made it about more then sex but about real emotions. Everything had felt so big before. She felt hope around him. As if she could overcome all the darkness in her life.
"Just remember to look on the bright side" Sam said, "Oh wow that sounds so cliché"
Stacey sighed trying to find something, "There is one?"she asked.
"Yes, there's two. First, it brought us back together and second, I stopped by your house before I came here. You were already gone but your mom had just gotten the mail and there was a letter in there for you. I had a hunch I'd see you so I brought it along" he said smiling.
"What is it?" Stacey asked.
"It's in my car. I'll be right back" he said. Stacey waited anxiously wondering what in the world it could be.
"Here it is" he said handing her a large envelope. In the corner it read Columbia University. She ripped it open searching the envelope.
"Dear Ms. McGill we are please to inform you that you have been accepted in to Columbia University's class of 2009" Her eyes opened wide. "I got in to Columbia? NYU rejected me but Columbia accepted me?" Sam nodded "Columbia as in the one in New York. The same New York I grew up in and you happen to reside in?" he laughed nodding again. Stacey leaned in to kissed him but he stopped her.
"Before we can be an us you need to get help Stace. I need to know that you care okay with yourself and believe in yourself before I can you to believe in us. I'll wait for you and we can be together but we can't be a couple until I know you're ready. I need to know you'll be alright" he said. Stacey felt as if she might cry but they weren't sad tears. Maybe this time they'd work. This time their relationship wouldn't be based purely on physical attraction. Sam was willing to wait for her. He was willing to take things slow. She hugged him and she felt him puller her closer.
"Thank you Sam" she said simply taking it all in. She was going to be okay.