"I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that."
— Charles Bukowski
He had never wanted to hurt her, never wanted to be the reason for the tears in her eyes or the sobs coming from her mouth. Green eyes closed in pain as he remembered her dash from the park. How her voice had wavered as he took her heart in his hands and crushed it to little pieces in front of her. How she hadn't blamed him or hated him but smiled at his words and tried to make him feel better. As if he was the one who was suffering the most. If that whole experience hadn't been bad enough, his lady had been acting a little off recently too.
Five weeks had passed since that fateful day. A whole month without really seeing or talking to her. Of catching glimpses as she ran to her classes or walked with Alya to the mall. Thirty-five days of seeing her post new designs and finished outfits on her blog; all of them more mature and elegant than her previous work. More refined and delicate.
Marinette never failed to impress him with her tendency to bounce back from whatever was troubling her. Here he was moping about in his room and letting his sadness over the state of their friendship fester and there she was taking her pain and making something out of it. Something amazing and beautiful.
Sighing loudly, Adrien rolled face down on his bed and buried his head deeper into his pillow, determined to not think about Marinette, love confessions or anything. A few minutes passed in blissful silence before the smell of cheese softly drifted into his room, slowly becoming stronger and stronger. A black streak of fur flew through his door before plopping hard onto his bed.
"AAADDRRIENN! The most horrible thing just happened!" Adrien could practically hear his kwami flail about as he got more upset about something.
"Go away Plagg, please... I'm not in the mood".
"But Adrien! It's just horrible! The absolute worst thing has happened since the plumbing broke the first week we moved to this place!"
"Plagg... I'm sure it isn't that bad. You're just being a...a drama cat".
"I am not being a drama cat, you're the drama cat! That's not the point though, this is a serious emergency! Adrien are you listening to me?! We've run out of cheese!"
"..."
Sighing loudly, Adrien mentally rolled his eyes before smothering his face further into his pillow. Maybe if he ignored Plagg long enough his friend would go away and freak out about cheese later or something. He really wasn't in the mood to cater to Plaggs' freak outs over cheese and the glory that is that gooey substance perfected by masters. The one true gift humankind had to offer to kwami's, though Adrien doubted Ladybug's kwami was as much as a nuisance as his was.
Ladybug. The woman he loved so much he broke one of his best friend's heart. The woman who had been acting strangely in the last couple of patrols. Did she know he rejected another woman for her? Damn. And he had been doing so well not thinking about it.
A pensive silence filled the room before soft paws landed on his head and began poking and probing the young man to look up from the pillow.
"Hey! Are you still upset over rejecting that sweet smelling girl? Cause it's been, like, a month since that happened and you've been in a really lousy mood since then. A real space cadet too! Last week you mixed up the Camembert order for Mozzarella. Mozzarella cheese Adrien! Who does that?!"
Feline eyes peered suspiciously at annoyed green ones.
"I thought you were only in love with Ladybug, yet here you are acting like your mate just dumped you for a two-bit pampered pedigree cat with no real claws and expensive catnip squeaky toys."
"Two-bit wha...? No! Of course I am in love with Ladybug! But that doesn't mean I can't be upset with rejecting Marinette!"
"Why? Aren't you humans always going on about 'honesty being the best policy' and all that tripe? To not lead on ladies and only have one mate and stuff?"
"Yes it is but... Ugh!"
Frustrated with trying to explain himself to his occasionally insensitive friend, Adrien flopped his face back onto the pillow before mumbling lowly, "You wouldn't understand Plagg, it's more complicated than that."
"And what is that supposed to mean? I'm not the one having a breakdown over rejecting a pretty girl for another girl, that wears a tight body suit and has never shown you their face!"
Feeling all of his pent up annoyance and confusion at the whole situation boil over, Adrien quickly yanked himself off his bed and began to pace in front of his bemused kwami, making sure to use hand gestured to get his point across.
"She's one of the few people I feel comfortable hanging out with. She makes me laugh at her antics and has always tried to cheer me up, even if that caused trouble for herself. She's really kind and sweet but she can also take charge and be a good leader. She's talented and amazing and so determined to become a fashion designer that it's inspiring to watch her tackle any issue her courses and competitions have hurled at her."
Losing steam Adrien flopped to sit on his beanie bag chair and buried his face into his hands. A still silence filled the room, prompting Adrien to peek through his fingers at a surprisingly quiet Plagg, before a flash of soft green caught his eyes. Marinette's gift lay folded at the foot of his bed, each stitch a reminder of their last meeting on that beautiful sunny day. As the familiar feel of sadness settled onto his shoulders and chest, Adrien turned back to look at the pensive kwami.
"I hurt her Plagg. And not a small hurt like some of the other girls who have confessed to me, but a big one. A strong one. For one small moment I looked into her eyes and saw something shatter and break as I told her I didn't- couldn't love her like she loved me. This amazing, strong, ridiculously kind girl gave me her heart Plagg, and what did I do? I turned it down and broke it in the process."
He might have been speaking softly, but the self loathing and disgust was still audible to the kwami.
"I was such a coward that I couldn't even tell her that I am so obsessed with another woman, a woman who sometimes feels way beyond my league, that if I did date Marinette I wouldn't be able to treat her right and probably end up silently comparing her to Ladybug. She'd end up hating me for sure."
His gaze dropped back to his hands as he pictured the last time he had hung out with Marinette, Nino and Alya. How they had beat Nino at videogames and done mock interviews with Alya as they pretended to be snobby members of their classes. She had smiled so beautifully at him when he complimented her on her latest win in his dad's fashion design competition. He should have seen this coming. Had he really been so blind to her feelings all this time? He was such an idiot.
"She deserves better than me...she deserves a person who could give her their whole heart...I want her happy again. I want to see her smile at me with real joy in her eyes and not the faint shadow of a smile she has been giving me lately. I want to hang out with her again and play videogames together and laugh at the ridiculous things our classmates do to get the attention of my father. I want my best friend back Plagg."
Getting up from the beanie bag chair, he slowly walked towards the bed and grabbed the soft green sweeter. Caressing the fabric between his fingers, he smiled softly before slipping it on and making his way towards the door. Pausing in the hall way, he glanced back to his silent partner who was still watching him, as he slowly made his way into the hallway and glided towards his shoulder.
"I love her Plagg, just not in the way she wants me too. So if she needs space and time to get over me, then the very least I can do is give her that much. No matter how much I want to run over and hang out with her like we used to, I need to respect that she might not want that right now. Her feelings and wants are what's important here. Not mine."
Sad green eyes glanced at the smiling photos of himself and Marinette playing at the beach from last years road trip hanging on the walls.
"We can't go back to how we were before, and I hate that. A part of me wishes she had never confessed to me, that we could still be the same as we were a month ago...and yet she wouldn't be the girl I admire so much if she hadn't been true to herself and confessed to me. It's complicated Plagg, and sometimes I really envy you for not having to deal with this."
Feline eyes stared into sad, frustrated eyes, before letting out a little snort.
"Humans. You're always making things harder for yourselves."
Opening his jacket with a rueful smile, his kwami made himself at home in his inside pocket. Taking one last glance at bittersweet memories decorating his walls, he turned away and left his apartment, the sound of a closing door echoing in the space behind.
Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, Chat Noir let loose a loud whoop as he narrowly missed the landing on the ledge of an empty apartment. That had been his furthest jump yet!
Bright eyes turned towards the moon as a soft warm breeze ruffled his hair. Breathing in deeply the smell of wet grass and fresh earth, Chat smiled broadly at the sight before him. A beautiful small field with flowers swaying in the breeze and fireflies dancing about their petals under the moonlight. Perfect.
Throwing his arms above his head, Chat Noir threw himself onto his back and rolled into the grass around him. It had been so long since he had done this. Let loose and act like a kid, with no worries or cares in the world. Staring happily at the stars above, Chat began to hum a small tune before breaking out into horribly bad singing. Nonsensical words just seemed to burst out and fill the air around him, a mixture of French and English lyrics of different songs put together.
He had really needed this. A night off from everything; no Akuma attacks, no scheduled patrol tonight, no late photo-shoot in Italy or wherever, no Marinette or Ladybug, no love confessions or strange behaviour and no other people around for miles. Perfect.
Reaching into his pocket, Chat Noir pulled out his Ipod, a small notebook and a pen. Now that he was alone he finally had the time to write down that story idea that had been bugging him lately.
Eyes softening Chat thought back to the original muse and inspiration of his writings. His mother had done far more than just shower him with love and be his father's favourite model; she had also taught him how to write out stories. Closing his eyes, a soft smile spread on his face as he remembered sitting with his mom and brainstorming ideas for a new story. They would work on the plot and characters for hours before starting the first draft. When his final draft had been read and edited by her for the last time, they would go to the crafts store and pick out the perfect cover and writing paper to use to print and bind his story. She made the illustrations with her paintings and other artworks, which always seemed to add the perfect final touch to the whole thing. He always felt so accomplished after their book was done, and as a reward for their hard work, his mom would sneak them down to the kitchen and bake a small cake or muffin or parfait. Something small and sweet to treat themselves with.
A lone tear fell from his eye as he remembered his father's rage at seeing those stories after her disappearance. He threw them all into a box and locked them away in the family safe. Too precious to burn and throw away but too painful to leave lying around the house. Now that he had his own apartment he could start writing again, in memory of her love for his imagination.
Rolling onto his stomach, he turned on his Ipod and began letting the music direct the mood of his writing. The fast beat of the song made him want to jump and run as fast as he could, so something light hearted, with action and adventure! Opening his notebook, Chat began to write;
'The wind rushed through the trees as it played among the grass in a field filled with flowers. Golden hair and green bright eyes peered at the scene...'
He couldn't believe he was late! Nino was going to kill him if he accidentally had them disqualified in the video game tag team competition for not showing up on time to their game. Sliding into the room, Adrien nearly tripped as he jumped into his seat and picked up his controller.
"Phew! Made it!"
Looking around the room Adrien spotted Alya talking to the official of the match before walking over to his spot with a sheepish smile on her face and an embarrassed glint in her eye.
"Hey Adrien! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but Nino woke up sick and won't be able to make it to the game today."
"Is he okay?"
Adrien made a move to get up but Alya quickly stopped him from leaving his station.
"Oh, yeah! He'll be right as rain after a goodnight's sleep, lots of fluids and lots of rest."
"Does this mean we're disqualified for the tag team competition?"
He noticed her wince subtly before darting to look over his shoulder and then back to his face.
"Well...not exactly. See, Nino was a little worried that he might accidentally make himself sick with all the stress he's been under in his music program lately and decided to have a reserve player take his spot if anything should happen."
A feeling of absolute dread clutched his heart before rising to choke the words from coming out of his throat. Clearing his throat, Adrien gave a nervous smile while trying to keep his voice steady.
"Oh? Is Max the back up player?"
Shifting her eyes once more over his shoulder, she gave him an awkward smile.
"Not exactly..."
Soft footsteps crept closer to his chair, each step sounding like the loud 'thud-thump' of his heart beat. He vaguely noted Alya saying something before making her way to the audience section. The chair next to him shifted to the side as the smell of cookies and fresh bread filled his senses.
Gulping quietly, Adrien took a moment to get his composure before turning to face the one person who he had both longed and dreaded to see. What do you say to your best friend after you reject their love confession?
A loud announcement from the head of the tournament broke Adrien from his musings on the girl beside him.
"Players have five minutes till the start of the game."
Five minutes of silence crawled by in a painfully slow manner. This awkward tension between them suffocated the space around them and had a couple of other players nearby glance confusedly at them. Adrien fidgeted and tried multiple times to turn around and greet the blue eyed girl next to him, but it seemed that every time he tried to open his mouth the words would die and his gaze would drop back to his controller.
Awkward.
"Players ready? Game START!"
Now typically this was the moment where he'd forget all about who was sitting next to him and just concentrate on his partners' avatars movements and balance out their fighting style. Instead the suffocating self-consciousness seemed to become more glaring and obvious the longer they played.
He messed up; she misread his movements. He grabbed the wrong equipment and lost her a couple of times, leaving himself vulnerable to other team attacks. She ran off ahead of him and seemed to forget at times that she had a partner to help her through the challenges.
In short they were sucking very badly and their entire teamwork was shot to hell. Just great.
"This concludes the game for this set. All qualified team players are required to mark down their final score and return after the lunch break."
Passing by the skin of their teeth, they managed to just qualify for the next round. This awkwardness was ridiculous. God damn it Agreste! Chat Noir up and talk to her!
"Um, hey Marinette."
Green eyes met blue ones, trying desperately to spot if he had somehow overstepped himself and upset her by his less than eloquent greeting.
To his surprise their was no pain in her gaze. Instead all he could find was a healing sadness, love, kindness and a resolve that seemed to grow stronger the more he stared at her.
"Hey Adrien."
A sense of awe and wonder filled him as she slowly smiled at him in greeting. Her ability to bounce back never failed to amaze him.
A few more seconds passed with them smiling at each other, before both Adrien and Marinette burst into giggles. This was just so awkward they had to laugh, he'd probably cry if he didn't laugh at this situation.
"Sooo, we kinda got our butt kicked huh?"
"More like, humiliatingly destroyed by the opposition."
A slight self-deprecating smirk graced her lips before she turned away from him to take out her lunch.
"I'm sorry Adrien. I wasn't much of a partner for you in the first round."
Reaching out to touch her shoulder, he stopped himself before he could place his hand on her. She might not like him touching her now that he...that he had made clear that couldn't feel that way for her.
"...it's fine. I wasn't the best partner either."
A delicious smell of fresh croissants, tomatoes, lettuce and chicken distracted Adrien from the rest of his thoughts. His mouth began to water as he watched Marinette take a bite out of a delicious looking croissant sandwich. He had forgotten to buy himself a lunch and breakfast had been nothing but a black cup of coffee. A loud grumble pierced the quiet atmosphere, causing Adrien to turn a bright colour of red and Marinette to burst into giggles.
At least she was smiling again.
Getting a plastic knife out, Marinette cut her sandwich in half before offering him a piece with a slight smirk on her face.
"Here. Can't have my partner collapsing from hunger in the next round."
Reaching out to take the food from here, Adrien gave her a bright smile. Maybe they could never be what they were before, but at least their friendship wasn't completely ruined. She'd move on from him and he'd move on from rejecting her and hopefully one day she would find someone who could love and respect her the way she deserved.
As they got ready to start the next round of the competition, Adrien barely noticed that a sharp pang had run through his heart at the thought of Marinette with someone else.