ACT THREE:
THE COMPASS BREAKS
Prologue
Hello Operator
Three whole days Edward walked through a white nothingness. Seventy two hours since Frank kicked him out of the car on that deserted stretch of road. He pointed into the blank landscape and simply told him to walk. So Edward did. Now he felt himself falling apart with each step. Color and substance slowly drained in this land of sensory deprivation. Things grew fuzzier in his head. The momentary enlightenment of Hell's dumpster had faded by day two. Surprisingly fleeting Nirvana seemed a state of mind instead of a state of being.
"Buddha on the road," he repeated to himself chuckling, "more like Pee Wee's Big Adventure." Some time ago Edward noticed his right foot beginning to dissolve at the pinky toe. Now he saw the whole appendage missing up to the ankle like an unnoticed amputation. Despite the lack of leg he still felt the ghost of it and walked with no particular difficulty. Something is seriously wrong here, he thought. I'm losing my drive, my purpose out here. I must be looking for…something in this emptiness. The truth, yes, the answer to everything, I planned on using it to save everyone. No, that's not it. I'll use it to control to punish my enemies like Zeus on the mountain top.
"Oh no," Edward mumbled. My right leg is almost completely gone now and it's moving up the left. Speeding up, he thought. If I could go back I'd do it differently. I'd never take that poison, but I did and here I am. They think to stop me by breaking me apart. I'll never allow… His thoughts and steps stopped abruptly. Far across the blank ahead he spied a blotch of color. Without reference the distance was impossible to measure. Now half the man he used to be, Edward ran swiftly trying desperately to ignore the rapid disintegration of his hands. It's too far, he thought. I'll be gone before I make it. Every step he gained he lost. Screaming for help proved fruitless without a throat. I have nothing left, but I won't stop, he insisted. Nobody stops the- the… He couldn't remember, and suddenly Edward was gone.
Somewhere and sometime farther ahead at the edge of a vast nothing land, a small fire of yellowed, aged comic books put off a pathetic tendril of smoke and flame. Three miniscule figures huddled around the dwindling heat rubbing their hands together.
"Listen to this one, Trunk. So there's these two nuns right? And the priest tells them they need to paint a room in the chapel," a slender boy of eleven leaned back and spit into the embers, "However he makes it very clear under no circumstances are they to get paint on their habits. After much deliberation the two decide to paint the room naked provided they keep the door locked." A pretty, young girl pushed back her hood, shook out her raven locks, and eyed the boy warily. The silent boy at the fire called Trunk by his skinny friend leaned forward and grunted staring into the fire.
"Midway through their session, a knock sounds at the door. When they asked who it was, the person on the other side simply said 'a blind guy'. The nuns decided someone who couldn't see didn't pose them a problem in their current state and opened the door. A man walked in with two boxes under his arms. He looked the women up and down and said, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?" The boy erupted into shrill laughter, but his audience remained unmoved.
"You're a pig, Pun!" the girl cried leaning over to slap him.
"Better than a pig pen, my love," Pun replied turning towards the hefty boy called Trunk, "That wasn't funny?"
"Emmy's right. Plus it's like the fourth time I've heard you tell it," Trunk mumbled. Emmy lost interest in their arguing after she noticed a speck floating across the white frontier they had named the Blank. Nothing has ever been seen or come out of there ever before, and yet there it is. It's green, she thought while watching it dance down an invisible path straight to her. By now the boys picked up on it too. Trunk asked what it was. Emmy shushed them and held out her hand to the approaching speck.
"Hello. Are you lost little one?" she asked.
"I feel something from it," Pun began and uncharacteristically fell silent.
"You're right," Emmy agreed, "It's like something is missing from where it should be right here." She motioned around the now stationary orb in front of her. A tingle or a shimmer seemed to run through the empty space.
"Could it have been the Rubber Matrons?" Trunk asked sounding unsure.
"Quiet or you'll wake them!" Pun hissed a little too sharply, "Besides there wouldn't even be a speck left."
"I know you're in there. You must have come such a long way and lost so much," Emmy closed her eyes concentrating, "I can almost hear you. The veil between us feels so thin. Focus little spirit. Imagine what you always wanted to be. Come back and tell us. What's your name?" Reality and space seemed to not so much tear as collapse in on itself. The emptiness crumbled away to reveal a configuration of matter that seemed to have always occupied that space. The only sound came from his lips and throat as they were the first to appear. That first breath rattled down his throat and returned in a guttural growl that quickly turned into a roar.
"rrrrrrrrrRIDDLER!" In a flash of green he appeared eyes bulging with terror and immediately fell to his knees. As usual Pun kept his focus on the girl who privately scoffed to herself as if she hadn't gotten the answer she wanted. In the next moment she was herself again. Quite often Pun felt things that were difficult to put into words, but he felt Emmy had just woken up from a trance of sorts. There was more going on here than some man emerging from the Blank of that much he was sure. Now Emmy looked at the lanky man like a child at Christmas.
"Uncle Eddie!" she squealed wrapping her arms around him, "I can't believe you're here. It's been so long!" Edward stared into her deep amber eyes.
"I'm sorry. Do I know you?" he asked and saw her excitement die as quick as it was born.
"Oh, I guess you're not him," she looked down dejectedly, "You must be a different one, but that's ok. Can you stand? I'm sure you're really confused. First off you crossed the Blank and now you're here in the Possible Wastes where we live." The large boy Trunk stood now nearly as tall as Edward himself and pointed out across the dim horizon.
"If the Blank is a place of nothingness the Possible Wastes are that which could be or that which never will be depending on how you look at it. Plenty of people live across the Wastes, but we tend not to congregate together." Edward thought this strong boy was extremely well spoken for such a soon to be brute. He almost reminded Edward of someone. They all did in fact.
"How do you know me, little girl?" He asked which led to introductions all around.
"You knew my mom and dad, all our parents really. My mom was the cat and my dad was the man in black," Emmy responded.
"Your dad was Johnny Cash?" Pun quipped.
"Shut up! You know I hate it when you say that," Emmy cried then turned back to Edward, "He's just mad because his daddy was the devil. Trunk's dad was the monster. He had to wear a mask to keep from biting people." Edward froze in sudden realization. Pun…the devil, he thought. This is how it could have been for all of us. Batman and Catwoman. Joker and Harley. Bane and god knows who. I shouldn't be here.
"I'm looking for whatever is on the other side of these wastes," Edward changed the subject, "Can you help me?"
"That'd be the wall. It stretches forever with the only way in being the drawbridge," Trunk stated and began heading away from the Blank. The four of them trudged onward through a hoarder's maze of broken rocks and stacks of junk mail. Occasionally one of the boys would stop and snag a comic out of the endless yellow piles. From somewhere beyond his line of sight Edward heard faint calls from birds or insects but saw nothing. No sun or moon or stars graced that pale grey sky.
"The comics always burn the best," Emmy explained handing him a thin copy, "They show other dimensions where we live other lives." Inside the pages Edward was drawn into a riveting story about an insane version of Batman who went rogue and hunted down Gotham's villains. Batman chased a terrified yet still strikingly handsome Riddler through Park Row. Edward tossed it aside before reaching the end. As they moved across the land, he noticed other encampments and natives, but they never hiked close. Many were children the rest nonexistent sidekicks. They trekked on for time immeasurable. Eventually Edward hummed then sang lightly to himself.
"This is the song that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because. This is the song that doesn't end." The children stared curiously.
"What's that?" Pun asked.
"It's from Lambchop. Lambchop the TV show? Forget it." Edward said giving up, but they didn't forget. They sang that song for what seemed like hours laughing at each other. Eventually they came up to a ridge overlooking the wall. Without a word they all stopped to stare at the unending structure then began the long hike down to its base. Sometime later arriving at the drawbridge Edward collapsed on a stack of coupons breathing a sigh of relief.
This is it, he thought. The source of all truth I've finally traced it back. He felt giddy nearly euphoric. Regaining a bit of composure Edward saw a band of three brightly dressed teens approaching the drawbridge and stopping some ways away from their group. The one in the lead shouted out to them. He said they were too close and something about it not being safe. Emmy yelled back explaining Edward's quest to cross the drawbridge. He heard the leader's response loud and clear.
"Cross it? How's he going to do that when it never opens?" All three children turned to Edward expectantly. His heart dropped, and he turned to the wall spitting with righteous fury. It was the rage of a man who has nothing left.
"No! Damn you! What more do I have to do to prove myself? How many more indignities do I have to suffer? There is no truth then! It's one big shell game, and I'm one of a billion marks," Edward cut himself off and stared into space catatonic. Just then a whipping sound caught his ear like the sound of a hand slapping leather. It repeated and grew in intensity like a drone of insects. The children screamed and clapped their hands over their ears.
"Rubber Matrons!" Emmy shouted over the roar, and Edward saw them emerge from the paper stacks. Their bodies were shaped like a woman, but their heads were replaced with a fat pink erasure. Similar to acrylic nails their hands sported long pink erasure extensions. Immediately pouncing on the other campers, the matrons made a swishing sound like shaking an Etch-A-Sketch. The erasure nails quickly wiped the young sidekicks from existence despite all their screaming and fighting. Amidst the carnage Edward heard a familiar voice.
"Well this is pretty horrifying," said a smiling Frank Gorshin who now leaned against a broken column of rock behind them.
"Oh thank God you're here Frank," Edward cried, "Help us!" Then he heard another sound coming from behind Frank that should have filled him with hope but instead just inspired dread. The drawbridge rattled loudly as it came crashing down, and when it hit the other side it sounded like a gavel. Turning back to his impromptu family Edward saw the Matrons already held the children preparing to begin their emotionless work.
"This is it, Edward," Frank said stepping forward, "No more riddles, no more puzzles, and no more tests, just a simple question. What's more important? Being the smartest guy alive or being loved and giving love?" Everything seemed to slow as Edward turned to Emmy.
"Please don't," she begged with tears streaming down her face, "Don't."
"If I say the word you save them?" he asked.
"I will," Frank answered, "At the cost of your great odyssey I'm afraid." Edward paused and stared into the faces of his family from somewhere else.
"No one will ever love me." He stated then turned and ran toward the bridge away from the screams.
Four teeth, three ribs, and two broken fingers later Edward lay on a cold stone floor howling. The room was so big he couldn't see the walls just darkness scattered with round stone columns. He begged and pleaded with Frank to no avail. Coughing up more blood into the growing puddle below Edward understood now the path he chose was incorrect. Frank's wrath made that very clear.
"It just blows my mind Eddie. You get every break and advantage in life and look at what you do with it. Do you even know how many chances you were given? And every time you spit in their faces!" Frank put another boot in his stomach, "Why can't it be enough? There are starving kids in third world countries that are happier and more grateful. Manipulation, extortion, abduction, organized crime, murder, and the list never ends." Frank turned his back and lit a brazier behind him. It burned a tranquil blue, and he realized it was the same light he saw back in the dumpster. Once again the boardroom appeared, and Anarky still pumped away on Edward's dead heart while his peers simply stared.
"Only a few moments have passed since you arrived here. A few more seconds you'll be brain dead. Don't worry though, we'll get you back on time, but first you need your answer. Quite a few stories of old warn against pride. That's your biggest problem by the way. Pride was the first real sin even before Adam and Eve. In Greek myths it was enough to cause a god or goddess to show up and knock a few teeth down your throat similar to what's happening right now." The blue light expanded filling the darkness.
For Edward to explain that complete and glorious understanding of nature and existence would prove impossible. However when it happened he felt the negative aspects of his personality absorbed out of him, and he performed the only selfless act of his life. That truth he hunted wasn't a number or equation but a multiple choice. Plunging his hands into the core of the blue glow he felt the strands of Gotham's lives running under his fingers. He couldn't reweave the tapestry, but he could tighten a few loose strings. Stretching his mind across the dimensions of time and space Edward made contact.
Frank screamed and pulled him away, but it was done. Edward understood he was going back now to his body with every bit of knowledge gained from his mysterious benefactors. The punishment was his own feeble, human mind's inability of handling such truth, a truth too big for man. And yet in his last conscious thought Edward realized he'd succeeded in his goal. He knew each and every face of Gotham's gods. He knew why Batman always won. Spiraling into the endless torture that lay ahead the Riddler smiled and was gone.
Sometime later down a dim barren hallway of Arkham a song could be heard. Previously known as Edward Nygma the dirty, terrified patient sang softly while he chiseled dutifully away on the stone wall of his cell. A long list of names ran down every available surface in hard block letters.
"and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end…"
FINGER KUBERT JONES
ADAMS PAROBECK WAGNER
KANE SPRANG JANSON
MILLER MAZZUCCHELI WAID
LOEB SNYDER MIGNOLA
SALE JOHNS BOLLAND
LEE CAPULLO BINGHAM
MOORE BRUBAKER BARR
MORRISON STARLIN PORTER
ROBINSON APARO ENGLEHART